How to help SIL with PND and a donor conceived child

[pndworrysil]

SIL and DB just had a little baby girl via egg donation. It was a long hard road to get there and SIL told me what a huge loss it felt to not have her own biological child.

She’s really suffering since having DN and is talking very oddly that she feels jealous as it’s as if DB has had a child with someone else and she is really not allowing him much time if any with the baby as it makes her feel more jealous.

DB has gone back to work earlier than planned as she just didn’t want him around and seems calmer by herself with DN he has shared with us that he feels pushed out and he worries showing affection to DN as it seems to trigger SIL to become tearful and she said she feels replaced somehow and it’s too much for her.

Is there anything I can do ? I’ve been popping round to help as she will accept that so I’ve been doing essentially what DB would have done if was still on paternity eg housework etc. I want to help them but not sure how.

she is under the care of the community MH team and a specialist health visitor I think.

All I can see is give it more time. I was my baby’s world for the first 6-12 months my husband sort of dipped in and out. It hasn’t damaged his relationships with our 3 kids as far as I can tell. Around the year mark they started thinking he was amazing and wanting him a lot more. I’m so sad your brother feels pushed out, it must be painful but I think spooking her might not be good in her mental health situation, just let her warm up to the idea of him looking after baby solo more

It’s very worrying, I feel like if I can help lift the burden a bit with practical tasks that a big thing but I want to do more . I think it’s all just overwhelming for her really and she needs time alone with DN to bond

Ask her what you can do?

Its really important that she doesn’t push your brother out, this isn’t his fault and he needs to be able to bond with their baby.

Bless her, she is tearing herself apart over the biological bond. I have been an egg donor and I accepted there was no link between the child and I, I was just lending some building blocks to a mummy in need. Yes the child would be half my genetic material, but I am not Mum. Mum is the one who maybe carries the child, who loves, feeds, waters, clothes, nurtures and raises the child.

I can see her reasoning, I am sure once the bond builds with her she may then let your DB in. Maybe she is trying to build her new little world. I also since know a couple of Mums who also rec donor eggs and became a Mum and they thrive and consider nothing else than they are Mum. It’s a huge transition and I wish you all well, and a HUGE well done for your help to her.

Speak to them both about accessing the counselling services at the fertility clinic. They wouldn’t have been approved for donor IVF in the UK without at least one counselling session first, so they could contact them for additional specialist counselling to help.
Our child is donor egg conceived, I have never thought of him as anything other than ours. The DCN is also a good source of information, books etc to support families.

I did reciprocal IVF with my wife and the way I think about it is that my wife and our sperm donor gave me the plans, but I built our daughter. She needs to reframe her thoughts to realise that that child would not exist without her. It is as much hers as her husband's. Genetics isn't everything.

DN couldn’t exist without the woman who gave birth to him, none of us could. SIL is his mum.

To be honest, it’s the expression of genes that counts, ie whether they come on or off, rather than raw genetic material - and expression is controlled by envt ie parenting. It’s the mum that counts.