I need help, please 🙏

[Zombieof3]

Trigger warning: self harm and suicide

Hi everyone,

I have 14 year old daughter who has always struggled with school. She gets easily overwhelmed by noise, people and changes and for this reason school has been an absolute nightmare. When my daughter is not in school, she is happy, she has a spark in her eye, she's engaging with conversation and she copes a lot better. When she is in school, it is almost as if she is a different child, she is distant, shuts herself off as soon as she is home and spends a lot of time asleep.

She started self-harming at 12, and attempted suicide just before her 13th birthday telling myself and professionals that her main trigger is school. This behaviour has been ongoing, ive tried everything, but I am at a loss. I am not a stranger to mental health issues, there is significant chronic mental health issues on both sides unfortunately, and I can't help but feel guilty and partially responsible for her struggles. Ive tried sitting down and talking with her, when this has been too difficult for her we have resorted to using text messages. She has had counselling and group sessions through CAMHS, but has found these mostly unhelpful. School have attempted multiple different options such as reduced timetable which has now gone back to normal for the new academic year, offering her time in the sensory unit when she is struggling, having conversations with her from trusted teachers. Ive tried encouraging healthier coping mechanisms but nothing seems to be working. I feel like im failing her. I send her to school and everything gets worse, I can literally see her fading in front of me but if I don't she doesn't get the education she deserves, will potentially lack other essential skills which will impact her in the future, and not to mention it is a legal obligation for her to be in education.

She's a smart, beautiful and kind girl who deserves so much, but at this moment in time, I am scared for what her future will look like if this continues. Any advice?

We are also completing paperwork to start the SEN pathway, after the paperwork was previously lost by the school.

You are NOT failing her and neither are you responsible for her issues. She is lucky to have you on her side and advocating for her.
Random thought. Has she been assessed for autism? It doesn’t present with girls like it does with boys.

Is home schooling an option? Or looking at flexi schooling with some alternative provision?

I have 4 children. One of mine could not manage secondary school. He had several suicide attempts (more than 100 tablets in one instance). We changed schools, we tried everything. Eventually I pulled him out. We homeschooled and one school agreed to let him sit maths and English gcse there which he passed. He then trained as a chef through a work based program and now works as a gardener. School was just the wrong environment for him. I now realise he has ADHD.
Can you remove her from school?

You’re doing brilliantly, being a great mum. You’re absolutely not failing her.

Missing school is not the be all and end all in life. Lots of people either don’t pay attention or don’t go and catch up later in life.

The good news is that’s she’s ok out of school. Focus on that - the real her.

Can you afford anything private - child psych, therapy - because that will help.

Thank you everyone. I feel so lost in all of this. I wish more than anything that I could afford to home school, but we're barely getting by as it is. I know the school previously mentioned a college based education where she would go to college and do a programme through that. Im going to query this with them again as perhaps that would be better.

I do believe she is autistic, my youngest is autistic, and whilst her traits are very different, there are some very obvious signs. I am currently completing the paperwork for this, and im hoping that this might give her some understanding.

I just want to thank you all for your advice, it means a lot.

You sound bloody lovely, OP.

Homeschooling is not an instant solution anyway.

The college idea sounds promising. You and DD are not the only ones with this quandary - it’s a battle and you’re so switched on.

When it boils down to it, DD has her health and stuff she likes doing, and that matters more. She’s got a great mum, too.

You are not failing.

My own daughter is autistic and I can relate to everything you’ve written.

Home educate her. There are so many platforms online she can use. Her mental health must come first x

You email the school to de-register your child, and that’s it. You home educate. She is old enough to be set work if the OP has to work. There are numerous online platforms that follow the national curriculum for less than £20 a month. Every community has home educate groups she can join for socialisation and activities.

It absolutely is an instant solution to a ND child not coping in a mainstream setting.

You sound like you are doing everything you can. We’ve been there and it’s terrifying. On a particularly awful day when my child called me at work - absolutely beside herself, after the call - my colleague gently said “she is telling you something, you know what you need to do”. That moment changed everything. With the GP in agreement we stopped even trying to get her to school, I gave up work (I would have NEVER thought I would or could do that). We moved onto universal credit (go to the website entitled to, you may be surprised), and we gave her space to try and test and recover - without the threat of school looming. This saved her I think. It was awful, and still is challenging - but she now has two diagnoses, an EHCP and a place at a specialist school. Try not to worry about education, we are drilled into the mindset that kids have to go to school or thier future will be awful. Far better to be healthy, happy, understood - and then in a position to pursue education later on. Education comes in so many forms.
She has you - which is a fantastic protective factor. Sometimes things don’t pan out as we expect them to - but that’s ok. Being home for my child saved us all really - and it wasn’t until we investigated UC that we even realised it could be doable (it’s very tight, we have nothing spare, drive old cars etc - but she is here). Feel for you OP, these experiences are horrific.

Although homeschooling is appealing, it is not the right thing for all children. Some need home to be home - not a place they associate with learning. Also, de registering your child instantly absolves the local authority of all responsibility to educate your child - and this is often not the right thing either. Perhaps explore local Facebook groups for SEN parents / carers etc, they are a mine of information and will usually be full of excellent advice with regards the law and also different education options, you will hopefully find some support and confession there also. This unfortunately is a much more common situation that people would think.

I’m really sorry to be pedantic, but it’s home educating not home schooling. The distinction matters, especially for ND children because home education should look nothing like school if it’s school that has caused the trauma.

You are absolutely right that the L.A should source alternative education provision if 15 consecutive days of school are missed, but what they “should” do is not what happens in reality. You have to fight with everything you have for crumbs while being fined for non-attendance usually, if you’re lucky they might find some funding for a tutor for a couple of hours a week, but it’s not easy and it’s definitely not instant. The current wait list for an EHCP is three years in my area. The OP’s daughter is 14, it is likely that the battle for the local authority to find alternative provision will still be ongoing when she is 16.

I have been through this and fought this battle myself, and I’m not saying home education is for everyone but it is something that should be considered.

Fine to be pedantic - I didn’t proof read and was half asleep! Sorry you’ve been through also.

Our area is awful too, 5 year wait for assessments, non communicative LA’s, illegal refusals, tribunals, EOTAS fights etc. I think I was just trying to ensure that there are no regrets and also knowledge about options.

I know a few families who de-registered out of panic and stress - and it just made things so much worse in the long run. However - if it is a considered choice which a family has a capacity for - then this is very very different and it can be just right.

Unfortunately, this discussion just magnifies how unique, hard and complex the situation it is for each family, in each area - everything is so under resourced and people are so desperate. We are usually forced to make decisions during periods of crisis and overwhelm - and we don’t have the capacity or access to the helpful supporting information.

OP, we will all have a slightly different take, often based on our own challenges. However, at the core of this is your child’s safety and well being. If you have a gut feeling, go with it. Education can always be returned to, ignore our outdated national educational rhetoric - health and wellbeing needs to be prioritised. sending solidarity.

Personally, I wouldn’t deregister and EHE. That is because when you remain in the system, crudely, you are someone’s problem. It is much easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet if you EHE. At the moment, the LA has responsibility; if you EHE, you relieve the LA of their duty. That doesn’t mean you have to force DD to attend school if she is unable, though.

If DD is unable to attend school, under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a duty to ensure she still receives a suitable full-time education. Or if full time in any form (the scope of education is wider than just academics &/or traditional education), as much as is suitable. A couple of hours of tuition a week does not satisfy their duty. This must begin as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed. The previous poster is wrong. The days do not need to be consecutive. They do not have to have already been missed either. And provision should start by the sixth day. Yes, many have to fight for provision, but you can force the LA’s hand, including via JR if necessary, you don’t have to accept unlawful behaviour.

Alongside this, I would request an EHCNA. Many have to appeal, but it is worth it. An EHCP can fund far more provision, including therapeutic provision, than the vast majority of parents can afford to fund themselves or get via the NHS. EHCPs can last until 25 if necessary, or 26 in some cases. The EHCP process is governed by statutory timescales. No-one has to accept LAs delaying by incorrectly saying there is a 3 year waiting list. Again, if LAs breach timescales, they can be enforced via JR if necessary.