OCD ruining me please help

[lacylay66]

I keep having really disturbing intrusive thoughts and thinking I’m a terrible awful person, I’ve had panic attacks over it and before the intrusive thoughts started I was relatively ok! I’m staying with family because my head scares me, I was diagnosed with OCD 12 years ago and was under a mental health team mainly for depression and SH. But I had ‘thoughts’ and as I classed it then as voices and genuinely thought I was schizophrenic, the voices would tell me to sh. The mental health team quickly shut me down and said no this OCD. So I was diagnosed with that. I was discharged and I got better and no longer has intrusive thoughts which I now know them as until now. 12 years later. And I’d take any other form of OCD over this one. I believe it’s ’harm ocd’ it’s ruining my life. I don’t want to leave my house. I have the thoughts 24/7 it’s debilitating. I’ve started Prozac for ‘anxiety’ I know this also works for OCD though.. as I haven’t told my doctor yet however I did call the mental health team by phone out of hours that you can call anytime (I am not under a mental health team now this is a phone line) I called as I couldn’t get myself out of the panic attack and they told me it sounds like OCD and best thing to do is start some therapy. But I keep telling myself how can this be OCD? I don’t really have compulsions but I guess my compulsion is asking for reassurance as I am constantly researching and fighting the thoughts that come, I am sleeping a lot aswell actually as it’s the only time I get peace. My life is really going downhill. I’m so so so depressed and I’m scared I will never be ‘normal’ again, even writing this I’m scared but I really am just terrified it’s got to that point where I just need any kind of tips or reassurance advice anything :( even if someone has been through this and came out other side? Positive stories anything

Also please be gentle I’m really suffering with this 😔

Obsessive thoughts are really debilitating. I suffer with OCD too and mine is in the form of thoughts with some rituals do I do sympathise. You can self refer to Talking Therapies which might help?

I too suffer with this and have done for decades, it’s utterly exhausting and debilitating. Seeking reassurance is the compulsion, I try not to do this now although still do some things that I’m not ready to give up, i have been spiralling for a few weeks and understand how distressing it is. The only thing that helps me really is distraction. As soon as the thought appears, i repeat this mantra - fuck off, you snivelling piece of shit, as you can imagine, sometimes i do this on repeat; then distraction, walk down the garden, walk on the treadmill, phone someone, play a game on my phone etc. it’s utterly miserable and i wish it would just do one too x

Yes I’ve done that, but unfortunately it’s a really really long waiting list 😭

I’ve just joined the gym today and actually ended up contacting the doctor saying I’m suffering really badly with ocd and depression and if I can up my dose. They’ve said they’ll call me tomorrow. I’m hoping now I’ve joined the gym and get out of the house a bit the thoughts will calm down. I only feel depressed because of the OCD, I never knew it could be THIS bad 💔 it’s traumatising me to the point I just don’t even want to do anything but il start telling them to F off 🤣 hopefully it works 🤞

I am trying my hardest not to try and rationalise or understand why it happens, as I know that just gives the snivelling piece of shit the attention it wants.
I can absolutely relate to the stomach lurching panic when the fucker comes calling, but you’re doing the right thing in terms of distraction, do it, at every opportunity x

Thank you, it’s so much easier said than done isn’t it :( I’m really suffering I keep thinking am I going insane or do I need to be locked up which just sounds crazy even typing it, I’ve been looking up the type of OCD I’ve even seen online it’s common to have this type of OCD but my mind won’t let me believe it, I keep thinking what if it’s not OCD what if I am genuinely a psycho lol. It’s actually so awful I am gonna try and do like you do, usually I just cry lol it’s been a very tough week.

Hi OP. I have the same.

Intrustive thought OCD, with not many compulsions (though do have some)

I mostly think awful things about hurting people and disturbing sexual thoughts.

Something that really helped me is reading that if I was really a bad person I would get enjoyment from these thoughts, not repulsion. I would lean into them and take time to expand upon them for my own pleasure. The fact that I immediately feel repulsion and anger at my own brain and cut the thoughts off and try and distract myself into something else helps me realise this is a compulsive and Intrustive thought, NOT a desire.

Thank you for responding I really appreciate it. It makes me feel less alone reading these, I wish none of us had to suffer with this. I keep telling myself this too but I feel like I’m persuading myself and that’s what my mind tries to tell me that I’m just trying to ‘hide’ but I know deep down I wouldn’t have countless panic attacks if I was truly awful. I have it every minute of everyday it is so bad 😭

I think all of us who suffer with this, question if we are psychotic or a psychopath at some point, but I know I wouldn’t be questioning it if I was. The fact I find it so distressing tells me I’m not that person, but, again, I’m trying not to analyse it as it’s part of the cycle.

I too have had it every minute of every day, sometimes I still do. As awful as it is and we wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it is comforting to know there are many others going through this too and that we’re not alone x

Thank you 🤍 I really appreciate you commenting and sharing your own story.

Oof, intrusive thoughts are tiring. And some. The facts:

1. No one with intrusive thoughts acts on them. You are not a criminal in waiting.
2. They won’t send you nuts.
3. Try - this is hard - to respond calmly to them. Be polite. They’ll go away faster. See, told you it was hard.
4. Everyone has them. Don’t beat yourself up.
5. One day they’ll go away for good.

When stressed, I find it really hard to believe the above, but it’s all true. Whether or not the anxiety makes you question them, facts are facts.

My tip: An extremely expensive shrink told me that Paroxetine is a really good drug for intrusive thoughts.

Thank you, the medicine I’m on now is making me numb to emotion which I don’t like because although I feel sheer panic with the ocd thoughts, I can’t react the way I want to, like usually I will cry or panic, but the medicine is working now and I can’t 😭 so it makes me feel worse like why am I not reacting? I experience the thoughts 24/7 even when I’m distracted my mind is like, wait, sorry no we can’t have this and then an intrusive thought comes bam and that’s it, mood ruined for the rest of the day. It is a massive cycle I hate it. It honestly has really ruined my quality of life. These days I just stay bed bound 😔

Do you find it’s worse at night? Classic ocd, that.

Crying often is numbed by meds, but they damp down the ocd too, so stick with them.

Have you tried changing the thoughts to something else? Replace the negative verb with a positive one. Then repeat the positive thought out loud.

Really tough and rough OP.

Things people have found helpful:

Imagine each thought is in a bubble - burst each one.

Name the person they're coming from in your mind. Women find naming them a man's name helpful. 'Shut up Gary', each time you have a thought.

You really aren't a psychopath. A psychopath doesn't worry they're a psychopath.

Meditation. Cultivating the witness. Who is the I that sees the thoughts?

Perfectionism? There's an underlying perfectionism. Like, you have a thought,ok, great, nobody is perfect with perfect thoughts. Thoughts can be wild without meaning anything.

Highly recommend books about it or finding a therapist that specialises.

Sometimes it's not the thought. What's underneath the though You think about having sex with your father/brother or whoever. Like, is separation an issue. Do you need more freedom? Less enmeshment. Look beyond the obvious meaning: it's not about sex with your brother/father etc.

Guilt and punishment. Really depends on the context. Guilt for striking out on your own - mind produces punishable thoughts to stop you. Underlying conflict.

You said: 'I experience the thoughts 24/7 even when I’m distracted my mind is like, wait, sorry no we can’t have this and then an intrusive thought comes bam and that’s it, mood ruined'

Guilt about doing ok? Doing well? Succeeding? Internal conflict. Good therapy would help maybe. Can you allow yourself to be ok/successful/happy... And if not, why not? What's happened in your life to prevent you being ok with being ok?

I think it’s just the cycle of OCD, I suffered with it badly 10+ years ago and I can’t remember how I got out of it, I have done a lot of research on it again since and found OCD is one of the cruel cruel conditions to experience, basically the mind is stuck in a cycle and even when you are happy the ocd tries to bring it back to what you misalign with. I’ve also joined an OCD group and feel much less alone too, it’s a cycle I’m hoping I can get out of 💔

Thank you for this. ❤️
I’m trying really hard to try and distract myself, it’s really painful for me because I remember how ocd really ruined my life 10 years ago, I wasted a lot of my younger years depressed because of it, I can’t remember how I got out of it and really wish I remembered so I could use the tactics again, I’m slowly able to leave the house now little by little, I do feel more anxious when I leave the house as before I started medication the OCD trapped me indoors, but little by little I’m now able to take little walks. I’m hoping this is the start of my breakthrough. I never realised how bad OCD was, it’s such a cruel illness.

even when you are happy the ocd tries to bring it back to what you misalign with.

I’m pretty sure that’s not true. It’s a bastard but ocd loathes happiness and scampers at the very prospect of it.

Yes, leaving the house is definitely the start of your improvement. Bloody congratulations, the first steps are the hardest and you’re managing to take them.

I promise every step you take is a step away from OCD.

Yeah that’s what I’m struggling with 😭 When I’m indoors I can regulate myself so much better I guess that’s what I meant to say, but the minute I go outside it’s like my OCD comes at me 10x harder. I can literally be walking along feeling happy and enjoying myself and then BAM, it throws something disturbing into my head and completely ruins everything for me. I’m still trying to make myself go out because I don’t want OCD controlling my life, it’s just so much harder for some reason

Keep going out - it’s healing you. When you go out, the ocd kicks off with walking brain activity, and it starts pushing the bad stuff out, which you don’t like.

But your brain’s getting rid of the bad stuff as you walk. It’s called introverting and, depressing as it is, it’s making you better.