I’ve suffered from depression on and off all my life but 6 years ago had by far the worst breakdown I’ve ever had. It went on for 2 years and involved substance abuse, self-harm and a suicide attempt. I was abandoned by my partner and multiple friends. I ended up completely alone. Slowly, over the course of a couple of years, I managed to build my life back up to a place I never thought I’d be: reasonably content, peaceful, with consistent reasonably content moods every day. I came out the other side with giant walls up though and an inability to let anyone in. I went from being an emotional wreck, crying every day, feeling everything so intensely, to feeling kinda numb/flat most days. I rarely feel down anymore, I can’t remember the last time I cried. I even feel reasonably positive most days, or maybe better described as a feeling of being at peace. I haven’t got this way through therapy, I haven’t had any for years. I am on SSRIs but I was also on them when I was I was an emotional wreck every day, so I don’t think it’s them. I think it’s my decision to lead what I call a very “beige” life. It’s the only way I can feel emotionally safe. I went from big highs and lows, lots of friends, lots of drama, constant arguments with my partner, but also, I was fun, excited about life, interesting to talk to. Now I’m a boring fucker whose weekend highlight is pulling an extra large weed out the garden! I’ve cut out anyone who didn’t bring positively to my life, which has left one friend and some family (although most cut me out first!) I spend almost all my time alone or with my young son. I’m able to be a much better parent now, which was the most important thing to me, and I do do lots of fun things with my son, usually nature-based stuff, which we both love. I feel a deep sense of relief and gratitude a lot, that I don’t have to deal with rejection or judgment from people because they’re no longer in my life to reject or judge. I know I’ve become boring, my social skills have suffered, and I’ve gone inside my shell a lot. I feel like my sparkle is still in there, buried deep, and I do worry that sometimes I’ll never see it again. But on the other hand, I think back to the dark times and this life feels like bliss in comparison. I even occasionally dare to think I’ve “cured” myself of depression. But is living such a beige life the trade off?? Cos I don’t think this is healthy long-term…anyone else had a similar experience? I think the self-isolating is a direct result, in my case, of being deeply betrayed & let down by multiple people close to me