Trauma back

[Actuallynomore]

I don't know why I'm doing this as I know there really is no solution but I just need to get it out. I have had a horrible life - not all of it - I've got an amazing husband, a job I'm good at, kids who are just incredible and grandchildren I (usually!) adore, but my childhood was really not good. A mother with Munchausen's by proxy who put me through a huge amount of unnecessary surgeries until I was old enough to say no more - then she got furious, no father, and a very fractured relationship with sibling. I got through it and reached a calm and reasonably content space but this year has blown that out of the water totally. Without going into it, a lot happened medically and things have deteriorated - I've needed more surgery, directly connected to what she put me through. I almost died in January which was bad enough - now...this. All the trauma is back. I'm struggling so much. Waiting for psychotherapy (as if I haven't had enough in my life, but I think this may finally the the right one - I have fought for it) but God knows when that will be. I can talk to my dh and friends and colleagues but I don't want to - I feel they must be bored witless with me by now. I have a GP appt on Monday and I know they will just suggest I take time off. I can't - I used all my sick pay on hospitals and recovery this year and I work with people I cannot let down. I genuinely think I am going to explode and do something insane. Not suicide, but what? I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I'm on medication and have been for most of my life. Maybe it could be tweaked? I just had to write this down. Thank you if you've got to the end

There is a solution to trauma; it involves understanding what it's purpose is.

This is the way I explain trauma. When something bad and/or unexpected happens a part of the mind takes on the job of figuring out exactly what happen, why it happened and (crucially) our role in the event. Hence the flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares that are often part of trauma. This isn't to punish or torment us but to stop that particular thing happening again – it's a protective mechanism.

That's fine if we were texting when the car accident happened or the other person was drunk when they fell into us, but some things are just so random or unexpected that there's absolutely no way of predicting them, preparing for them or avoiding them. This is especially true of childhood trauma when we don't have the ability or the agency to understand what other people are doing to us.

Once that part of your mind understands that there isn't, and never will be, a satisfactory answer it will stop, because it's a fruitless exercise which is detracting from your happiness. You won't forget what happened but the emotional link will be broken; your past will be something that happened but not something that defines you.

Thank you. Intellectually I know this- it's just exhausting. I went though most of life not understanding why I was angry all the time, drinking messing up relationships- not until recently when when I got the diagnosis of cptsd did I get it.
It doesn't help understanding it though. I just want it to go away

Understood. And you're right; knowing why it's happening on a logical level doesn't stop it. I help people to break the emotional link with the past, as do my colleagues in the UK. Happy to provide a list of practitioners, if it's something you'd like to look into.

Thanks but I just wanted to get it down. I have had plenty of private treatment in the past and am hoping the next lot will finally help..