HELP - unemployed and losing my mind

[Xandere]

Hi I am a high level health care professional between jobs - I have been in a bad place since January since job loss which was just horrible - keep blaming myself for not being quick enough and complaining about working conditions but there was a toxic environment and I was not recignides for my skills - I'm in early 50s so I am a bit despairing at finding another job and I am losing my mind. I am not great with computers but I have an active brain.I don't want to go back to teaching. I feel very lonely and have no friends as work was my social connection. I am married but DH wants to live more rural - I don't. IF I get another job I will need to live away for part of the week. I have applied to work as a carer but would prefer to work in a clinic or surgery where there are other people around. I have applied to jobs as a GP receptionist - no joy and science technician in a school. My youngest boy is leaving for Uni soon and I have tried to end my life recently - nothing is helping. Sleep is not great. I have just hyperanalysed my life so I feel I will need to work everyday for 12 hours a day forever to just keep going. I have lost interest in everything and I don't feel that I will ever want to go on holiday or ever retire or have any hobbies even though I am artisitc and musical. I just feel like I have been selfish and spent the last 15 years obsessed with clothes and drinking too much and going down trhe pub and fraternising with other men - hub stil stayed with me but a hair's breadth- both of these things have stopped dead. Obviously menopause is absolutely shite. I need to stay alive for my kids and one of them is at Oxbridge so I kinda want to see how that turns out. I look pretty awful - brown patches under eyes, putting weight on and my hair is turning white - it's like someone ripped off the soft focus of my life and made me wake up to some dystopian reality - mone is not the problem but ir feels meaningless atm. I used to enjoy singing and would even go to church sometimes but religion is now something I can turn to after this. I hate rattling around at home and I've got boting old age to look forward to with boring insular DH and it's bleak.....

This might be completely off the wall but I trained as a CONTROL practitioner at 58. Given your health care background it might hold an interest for you, one of my colleagues is a GP, others have therapy backgrounds. Worth looking into?

I understand I think.

I slipped into early retirement (similar age to you) though never had a decent job. It was a caring type job but I thought myself more valuable than I was considered in the role and easily replaced. I left eventually after having further dc. The job gave my day structure and of course ready made social interaction.

I am lacking a sense of purpose I think.
Like you I am fairly creative but this doesn't seem to be enough. My creativity seems to have disappeared and I am feeling very unmotivated. I'm wondering what volunteering I could do to try and expand my small world but I don't feel ready for it yet. Some people seem content with a small world but I am struggling. I'm not able to decide what I want to try having given up on many things I have already tried in terms of hobbies and interests.
I have a couple of good friends but it has taken a long time to make them. I was never particularly good at making friends (I likely have a neurodiversity combined with childhood trauma). However, I realise the need to try and expand my social network.
I've tried many things and dropped out of them. I feel conscious of my age - too young to retire but not wanting to retrain as hit some kind of burnout and/or the menopause.

I think it is probably different if you have a likeminded partner to retire with and a couple of friends interested in similar things. It doesn't sound like you have a particularly good relationship with your husband? I think I have placed emphasis on how I appear rather than who I am. Waiting for others to validate me and still waiting. I am certainly not at peace with who I am.
The menopause has changed so much for me, it was like I was floating in a bubble until now.
I would not want to move more rurally.
My dc are younger than yours still school age and yes they keep me going.
On top of everything else, I am having some kind of existential crisis with many regrets.
I'm seeking some psychiatric advice because I feel I have a lot going on and need some help unpicking it plus possible medication (I have spent many years switching from one antidepressant to another).
I have just started some specialised therapy for trauma.
No real advice as I find myself in a similar predicament. Just wanted to say you are not alone.