Hi I am a high level health care professional between jobs - I have been in a bad place since January since job loss which was just horrible - keep blaming myself for not being quick enough and complaining about working conditions but there was a toxic environment and I was not recignides for my skills - I'm in early 50s so I am a bit despairing at finding another job and I am losing my mind. I am not great with computers but I have an active brain.I don't want to go back to teaching. I feel very lonely and have no friends as work was my social connection. I am married but DH wants to live more rural - I don't. IF I get another job I will need to live away for part of the week. I have applied to work as a carer but would prefer to work in a clinic or surgery where there are other people around. I have applied to jobs as a GP receptionist - no joy and science technician in a school. My youngest boy is leaving for Uni soon and I have tried to end my life recently - nothing is helping. Sleep is not great. I have just hyperanalysed my life so I feel I will need to work everyday for 12 hours a day forever to just keep going. I have lost interest in everything and I don't feel that I will ever want to go on holiday or ever retire or have any hobbies even though I am artisitc and musical. I just feel like I have been selfish and spent the last 15 years obsessed with clothes and drinking too much and going down trhe pub and fraternising with other men - hub stil stayed with me but a hair's breadth- both of these things have stopped dead. Obviously menopause is absolutely shite. I need to stay alive for my kids and one of them is at Oxbridge so I kinda want to see how that turns out. I look pretty awful - brown patches under eyes, putting weight on and my hair is turning white - it's like someone ripped off the soft focus of my life and made me wake up to some dystopian reality - mone is not the problem but ir feels meaningless atm. I used to enjoy singing and would even go to church sometimes but religion is now something I can turn to after this. I hate rattling around at home and I've got boting old age to look forward to with boring insular DH and it's bleak.....