Never seem to get to the bottom of my mental health issues

[Pathologisingera]

I had many adverse childhood experiences and have read a LOT of books and consumed a LOT of content about every iteration of mental health issue and neuro-type.

I work in safeguarding and have had a long career working with young children in various capacities.

My late mother had a diagnosis of schizophrenia/ manic depression but aside from being a bit emotional at times I didn’t ever witness the bad years that led to her diagnosis and I adored her. She literally never did/ said anything unkind to me and from that point of view, I feel very blessed.

Intellectually I understand a lot about all sorts of mental health issues and it has been my life’s mission to seek out resources to ‘break cycles’.

Here’s a list of my own issues:

•ADHD diagnosed & medicated in adulthood
•Binge eating disorder (tackled through years in OA)
• Depression (always been there on and off and know the right things to do when is comes in)
•Anxiety (took Sertraline for a shortish period but it dulled my libido and made me think I should change my triggering family/living situation rather than take pills to deaden me to it’s impact on my nervous system. I also found that I couldn’t cry and worried that it would stop me from processing my grief plus when k started to feel my anxiety breaking through the wall of sertraline I worried that I couldn’t keep upping the dose indefinitely plus I worried that I need to be alert to bodily sensations and threats for my daughters sake as they’re messages from my nervous system designed to protect her so for want of a better term I have been raw dogging life ever since.

•PMDD - absolutely diabolical on my mental health. Increasingly prolonged periods of deep dark moods, anger, irritation, over sensitivity to noise/ smell (not great to say the least when you work with young children)

Peri Menopause. I paid privately to have HRT in my early 40s which has improved stuff somewhat but am recently feeling it’s still not quite sorting me out.

I have felt sad that I’ve lost my identity as this warm, cuddly person and withdrawn from people. Others in my family have become estranged from each other due to having not had as much therapy as I have had (I’ve had years and years worth) since my mum, grandparents died, I’ve felt so alone in the world. Like no one understands me.

I’ve avoided drugs and abusing alcohol and have, to an outsider created a stunning family home/ life, I do lots and lots of art, my child is a credit to me as happy, safe, sane and thriving.

I understand nutrition, the adhd meds have completely stopped my binge eating.

The thing that’s bothering me is that I feel so alone. I feel that all the labels I have given myself and resources I’ve utilised still haven’t fully helped me. My relationships seem to be the thing that really trigger me nowadays and I don’t know why. I end up convincing myself I have BPD/bi-polar when I don’t.

My DH is I think undiagnosed autistic so leaves me to do EVERYTHING as he seems to be in some kind of freeze mode at all times so can’t get things going as simple as tea time, a day out especially not a holiday or housework of any kind. He is very insular and does t like conversation. Hes increasingly controlling about things like driving or how the shopping should be packed to the point where I opted to drive separately on a holiday with him so I didn’t have to be in a car with him because he is very verbally aggressive and diminishing of me if I tell him how he has made me feel. I stay with him and plan to do so because there are JUST enough positives (I can keep an eye on his emotionally neglectful nature with my daughter and manage that, physical touch, shared sense of humour, shared history, shared financial life) to keep me there but it very easily ends up being a family dynamic organised around his anxiety and avoiding triggering him due to him becoming unkind/ more withdrawn.

I have a very very stressful toxic workplace due to bullying management and due to my home situation, I struggle to be resilient to it. I have been above my line managers head and the CEO is a wonderful man who has really listened to me, helped me in a way that has kept me safe and I stay because of this but it is so hard watching my colleagues and ‘friends’ fall in line with our bullying manager. I understand why they do because I would if I could see it was the fastest route to an easier life but because my bodily responses kick off so much and go in to threat mode I see them all as enablers and I can’t trust any of them any more knowing what they say behind her back and present to her face. It makes me feel I’m going insane and my strong reactions at times have made me a bit of a legend on the one hand but generally “the problem” on the other so I further silence myself. Again,
loneliness.

I’m consumed by worry that I am pre-occupied and unhappy. I don’t invite friends round because my husband’s behaviour when we have people round causes me anxiety. E.g. he doesn’t help keep the place tidy or know that he can’t be mean to me in front of others in tone or otherwise.

I think I’ve answered my own question. It’s DH.

I’m so used to internalising and feeling I can’t change others, only myself so if I consider leaving him, I feel guilty for breaking up DC family then find patterns that suggest I am flawed, I don’t have successful relationships (not true) and I have no confidence I can break the cycle alone.

I went to stay with my dad who raised me alone from age 1 over the summer and I became afraid of the dark, had nightmares and was just epically triggered by being with him. His weirdly coercive ways, his cyclical arguments with his partner, his lack of emotional regulation, his ability to guilt trip me, his insistence on cooking for me but inability to not get really angry when doing so, his view of himself of the good guy or the bad guy nothing in between, his lack of curiosity about my child, his inability to cope with my DC not being happy every second of every day, his obsession with hooking himself on to his new partners family each time and being more interested in how they are doing than me or my own child. His fractured relationship with my sibling who has cut him off for reasons he doesn’t understand and I’m placed in the middle.

I returned from this holiday quite triggered but without any emotional support from DH and a phone call with my sister where I asked if she’d be willing to go to therapy with our dad and she said he was an awful parent who damaged her and she wanted to kill herself last time they had an argument. I felt so in the middle of so much pain and having to mediate and moderate.

What can I do to get my life in to a happier place?
At present my main joys are my daughter, spending money on clothes and interiors and working with children and their parents.
I go to therapy (IFS) fortnightly.
New job?
sell my small flat (my grandparents left it to me) and buy a she shed for the garden/ go on some kind of healing retreat?
proactively design my social life.
Have people round anyway?
get a dog?
work part time?
Please help 😞

LTB obviously.

Your DP sounds abusive and lazy to boot. I’d look to rid yourself of him for a start.

Then look at your job as it sound awful - no wonder you feel bad !

Honestly has neither your husband or job come up in therapy ? If not it doesn’t sound like it’s working.

Yes I think you need to leave ‘d’h. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself in a very difficult situation. I also think you need to protect yourself a bit from your dad. He’s not going to change now.

Have you properly addressed the trauma of being raised by your dad ?

Being raised by the person you describe will have significant impact that may need up to 18 months talking therapy to unpack.

Being raised by someone who can not emotionally regulate is very damaging.

Have you been looking for answers to how you feel in diagnosis ? When it may actually be from trauma?

asking for support is good.

You've had so much to process, and you have processed so much of it. I wonder if you have ever done self-compassion therapy? I arrived at it very late (mid50s) and it felt alien to me, but it is transformational. You learn to reward yourself for everything you do right, moment by moment and also longer term. So you shift your focus from what is wrong with you or your life, to what is right, strong, wonderful about you and really savour it, cherish it, honour it. Recognise that any good thing in your life is a result of your efforts, abilities, personality.

It might well feel almost repulsive at first. Really fake or egocentric. But actually, it's a rebalancing act.

So from your descriptive OP, I might start to tell myself: The reason outsiders must think I have an amazing life is because I - unaided, and with so many stumbling blocks – have actually created a truly awesome life. It isn't perfect. It may have issues, but I am conscientiously a wonderful, loving supportive parent, breaking a vicious cycle of neglect. My child benefits from having a better parent than I had, and I benefit from knowing that I am a better parent than mine were. I congratulate myself for that immense hard work.

And also: I am incredibly proud of myself for sorting out my ADHD medication - that is an uphill battle for adults. I was tenacious and cared enough about my life to do this. As a result, my binge eating is under control.

And: I am immensely proud of myself for my control over mind altering substances like alcohol and drugs.

Etc etc. If you can't see them, I'm happy to list more for you. But pick off, one by one, everything - literally everything you have achieved, and consider each one carefully. the tenacity it took, the energy, the focus, the obstacles to overcome, the growth and strength you gained from it. The benefits you might now dismiss or take for granted. The thousands of tiny failures that actually led to a breakthrough of sorts.

It helps to write them down in a journal. Anything from childhood onward that you did right, against the odds, mistakes along the way that were a learning curve that got you finally on track. And small, every day things - good nutrition, loving your child, any self or home care, your art work etc.

Practise actually rewarding yourself too. Small self-hugs, pats on your back, thumbs up, arms in the air - they feel false at first but all these gestures are wired to tell us physiologically that we have done well, and to enjoy the moment. You can also practise consciously giving yourself treats. Weirdly, there's a difference between making and mindlessly swigging down a cup of tea and telling yourself, "I sent off those emails/cleaned the bathroom. Well done me. I deserve a cup of tea." You can also buy yourself small rewards - a bunch of flowers, a notebook, a novel or magazine, nice soap. Do all these things consciously, reminding yourself of something you have done well that deserves recognition.

This approach has made me SO much more comfortable with myself and who I am, it has eased the rumination on bad things and I forgive myself more easily.

Another tip: if anyone ever compliments you in any way, there's only one reply: 'Thank you! What a lovely thing to say!' Don't deflect, don't explain you weren't really worthy, don't joke they are blind, don't offer an immediate pay-back compliment. Just thank them to acknowledge that the world out there likes you and what you do.

Even reading how you cope with your DH makes me admire you. You just solve the problem – you won't drive with him. (My DH is also autistic and I decided a while ago to just do certain things my way, or without him involved, instead of hoping he could change or be open to discussion). It might not be ideal. You may need a better long term solution, but from the outside, I see a person who is capable and practical.

Edited for typos and then I added a bit more. Sorry for the essay!

I think your first sentence sums this up - you’ve read a lot of books and consumed a lot of content. You seem very keen on labelling what I would call ‘the ups and downs of living’. Lots of us had tough childhoods, traumatic life events, difficult job situations - but we have moved through them, trying to live our best lives. Because in the end this is no rehearsal.

I don’t mean to minimise your pain but the therapy, drugs, labelling, clearly isn’t helping. Refocus yourself onto the positive, do things that bring you joy, stay close to those you love, change the people/ situations that distress you.

I realise mental health conditions are real but this level of obsession isn’t helpful to you. That, to answer your original question, is why you can’t get to the bottom of it. I wish you well but suggest you speak to your therapist about ways of resetting your outlook.

You have a lot on your plate...... but no one is coming to rescue you. It is up to you to make changes: LTB? see less of your father? change jobs? see friends away from your home. Some of these changes are obviously huge and require strength and courage to achieve... but if your current life is so dreadful, you need to change it. You seem to know what the problems are by selecting them to write about in your posts. Having identified the problems, stop making caveats and excuses. It's up to you - with your therapeutic support- to take action.

have read a LOT of books and consumed a LOT of content about every iteration of mental health issue and neuro-type.

I feel that all the labels I have given myself and resources I’ve utilised still haven’t fully helped me.

Gently, have you ever considered that this might be part of the problem?

Hi OP. I think most people would feel unhappy with an angry abusive partner and toxic job. Just one of those would be awful but two is even worse. IFS is controversial. I wouldn't do it. If you really want to, I would try EMDR but just have maybe ten sessions. Then, if I were you, I'd leave your partner, look for a new job. Then, after everything has settled. I would imagine you'll feel a lot better. Those are two areas that you have the power to change. Good luck.

Firstly youve held a lot, I agree it sounds like you have an unresolved DH issue. I dont know enough to say if your job is worth it, but for an emotionally draining role, life outside work has to be enriching especially. I agree with the poster who mentioned self compassion therapy - from there working on prioritising your needs. It sounds like you and DH have a friendship more than a relationship - maybe theres a thought - to amicably part ways if its unresolvable.

This might not even be helpful and might say more about me than you. But your analysis and wealth of words yet your lack of embodied feeling better - plus the fact you are tolerating a lot of shit - reminds me of high functioning autism or audhd . I think i might be the same.

But I also think it might be "shit life syndrome" where you have just had a load of crap to deal with. Could you strip it right back to super simple and just say to yourself right, I am only going to do stuff that feels good and.doesnt trigger me, dump DH, change jobs, take a break if you can, try and get your nervous system into a calm place?

It's a fine balance as problems do need to be identified and treated but I never feel as weak and panicky as I do when I think "I Have A Problem".

Reading books is good for the mind and the heart.

You've analysed it all but you're still stuck in problematic relationships with little boundaries.

Did you diacuss your current family of origin dynamic in therapy? Before even discussing your marriage?

I can relate to much you have written Pathologisingera

I have a husband similar to how you describe and I'm trying to keep the family unit together 3 dc. I feel so lonely and alone. He does provide practical support and financial support but no emotional support. I regard his support as better than no support as I have no other real life support and together we muddle along. I live a different life alongside him. He is irritable and short tempered.
Money orientated yet I am grateful for the comfortable life he has provided.

Look successful to the outside in terms of housing, comfortable life etc.

I've had a very difficult couple of years life stressors gone through the roof.

I am trying to get a ND diagnosis (I'm in my early 50's). This has been an uphill battle for me and I'm in the process of booking a private psychiatry consultation.
Autistic and ADHD traits combined I would say. Audhd. Circled around on antidepressants.

Menopausal and hrt didn't seem to make a lot of difference.

I've done a lot of reading. I'm struggling with self diagnosing and really need professional input. I am currently undergoing EMDR (just started).

Toxic family upbringing and estrangements.

I don't work having plunged into an early retirement situation. One or two good friends. I feel like I want a lovely live in companion to do things with like walk in nature, talk to and to help me work through life. If money was no object this is what I would have. Like a mother figure or best friend. Someone reliable to turn to. I'm wondering how much companionship I can buy in later and whether the age uk homeshare scheme might help too.

I've thought about joining the gym, taking up some volunteering, looking into crafts/interests etc, I feel like it won't touch any of my issues. I don't know how to make life better. I have some kind of existential crisis going on and trying to function for my dcs only one of whom is adult age. I do experience joy mainly being out in nature.

The NHS offer nothing in this regard so increases the sense of abandonment.

Life is comfortable yet feels miserable. I dread my old age. Things don't seem to be getting any better.