Crisis Point

[Downtherabbithole34]

I don't know where to start.
I've been suffering from anxiety, mainly health anxiety, and OCD for years. At the moment, for the last 12 weeks or so it's been really bad. I have this existential OCD and thanataphobia-which is phobia of death. It's all I think about all day every day, I feel sick constantly, my hearts always pounding, heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness. I feel like my insides are constantly shaking..terrified of dying. I can never breathe properly. Any pains I get int chest or my head I automatically start hyperventilating. If I see someone young my ages has suddenly died, I always think I am next.

I have a little boy who has got autism and he is non verbal and he had very limited understanding. I'm a single parent and we live alone. I can't cope. I'm always worrying that my heart will stop or I'll have a brain aneurysm and die and he will be all alone and what will he do without me.

I can't drive anymore, I cant go out, even shopping makes me feel ill cos I'm worrying. Im worrying about nuclear war, freak accidents, and choking to death. Literally anything that will kill me.

No one understands, my son's dad, my parents, all laugh at me and tell me to stop being silly. My Dr tells me I'm physically healthy despite being very very overweight. I think they've had enough of me too. I don't no what to do and how can I go on like this? I want to live my life. Death is inevitable so why can I not just stop thinking and panicking. The thought that I will die one day and cease to exist fills me with terror and I don't want to. I can't comprehend it.

I've also developed trichotillomania which is hair pulling disorder, closely associated with OCD and anxiety. I have no hair left on my head, I've pulled it all out and it's sore and horrible looking. I'm so ashamed of my self but I don't know why I can't just stop it. I guess, I just want someone who has had this and had come out the other side. I just feel so alone.

Please any one 😕

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Have you had any medication or therapy OP?

I've had loads of CBT over the years, I will admit, I'm terrified stiff of taking medications because of the worry of side effects.

I don’t have experience of anxiety or OCD myself (apart from scalp-picking) but I have read many posts on here where people have said that medication has been lifechanging for them. I know it is particularly scary for you but you are at crisis point anyway so isn’t it worth taking the risk. A lot of the time, side effects are negligible but we only hear about the worst cases. Even if you do have some side effects they are likely to be shortlived. Good luck 💐

I'm autistic and have had similar feelings when I'm in a bad phase. My health anxiety is usually a symptom of being more stressed and anxious in general, for instance when there has been more noise around or disruption to my sleep. August has always been the worst month for me.

Things that seem to make it worse:

Scrolling or watching short videos (try watching full films instead, choosing feel-good ones)

Noise, heat, sensory overload (hard to avoid but makes a huge difference)

Being in pain (often don't take painkillers until my partner reminds me I'm allowed to!)

Googling medical stuff

I would try to focus your energy on really looking after yourself and trying to get yourself feeling as safe as possible, as if you were looking after a friend who has just gone through a breakup. You need overall relaxation, not necessarily specific health anxiety treatment. Cups of herb tea or hot chocolate, reading books that soothe you, watching films that relax you, having some weight on your lap like a hot water bottle even if it's only got cold water in it, keep yourself clean if possible via showers, baths and clean clothes, projects you can do on the sofa or in bed like hand sewing, knitting, crochet, reducing responsibilities, saying "I am safe" to yourself. Might sound weird but try talking to ChatGPT about how to feel safe?

Also I take Sertraline (hasn't always worked but this time it seems to help a small amount) but it can be tricky starting it as it can increase anxiety at first, and obviously you are already at your limit.

I hope this doesn't sound basic or patronising, like being told to "go for a walk" to cure depression. I understand the complexity of mental health issues but have also experienced certain small things having an impact on my mood, even when I'm spiralling. I hope you feel better.