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What do you do when you are so sad that it hurts?

11 replies

morefeen · Today 14:28

What do you do when you feel so sad that it hurts?

When you're frozen and empty but raw all at the same time.

I have a thousand things I should be doing, that I've put off for days. But can't think about starting them as all I can think of is how sad I am inside.

Hollow but full of pain.

OP posts:
PJsandbiscuits · Today 14:31

I have a shower. Something about water makes me feel better. A swim is better, especially in the ocean, but I realise that is not always possible for everyone. But a shower is good. And then clean clothes. Baby steps.

Hope you feel better soon.

wizzywig · Today 14:46

Shower, music, i journal, and know it takes time

Bufftailed · Today 14:48

Take a walk. Try to remember you are not alone and it passes. Sending hugs - it’s awful

CypressMoon · Today 14:49

Accept you are unwell. Act like you have flu, to take pressure off feeling like you 'ought' to do things. Cancel appointments and work if needed, because you are genuinely very unwell by this stage of depression, whether triggered by an event or just snuck up for no apparent reason.

I am always amazed by the difference between a duvet day ridden with guilt that I should be doing things and a day in bed which acknowledges I am currently too ill to do anything.

After a good 24-48 hours of bed rest I then tell myself 'You don't have to want to, you just have to do it' and go through the motions of self care: shower or bath including hair wash. There is something restorative to the depressed brain about washing your hair - maybe it's the scalp massage.

Then a small amount of healthy food. If depression triggers sugar or carb binges, still add this rule: something healthy first - boiled egg and wholemeal soldiers or fruit and yoghurt or a simple salad. If you can, add food known to trigger dopamine and seratonin boosts: most nuts and seeds, especially walnuts and brazil nuts; blue cheese, grapefruit, turkey, berries.

Then fresh air. If you feel too frozen for a walk, just sit in a sunny spot and focus on nature - clouds in the sky or leaves, birds singing, cats on walkabout etc. But if you can walk, do. No pressure to feel better afterwards, just breathe, look for signs of nature, walk as fast or a slow as you like.

Also - gentle stretches. Depression does cause physical freeze, so even a 2 minute stretch of arms, legs and spine can help, as can the weird but effective static run, where you put one foot forward, bend legs and lean slightly forward as if about to set off on a run, then stay still but just pump your arms. It really gets the blood moving.

Music might help. Very soothing piano music helps me, or songs that are upbeat but not too attached to memories of other times.

I find journalling helpful too - download the brain blocking loops of depressive thought and then gently challenge them. It's especially useful to list what you did. e.g. If your mind is ranting: You are so useless, you have so many things you HAVE to do but you have done NOTHING for days, it can be therapeutic to say, 'I am very ill right now, but even though I feel so ill, I managed to put on a washload, have a shower, call the GP, feed the cat.' And if you truly haven't done anything, it helps to say, 'Yes, I stayed in bed all day to rest because I am so very ill. Clearly, if I need another day or more in bed and am so ill I can't even wash or dress, I will know that I need help and make an appointment to see the GP.'

Just ditch all guilt, self-criticism etc. To get well, we have to admit we are ill and give ourselves recovery time.

morefeen · Today 15:46

Thank you. I am so touched that you replied to me. I followed your suggestions and managed to have a shower. Feel stupidly tired now, but at least I'm cleaner. I find it really difficult to be kind to myself when I feel this way- so much so that reading the replies made me cry, and I felt shame. I never feel I deserve that kindness. I've recently started historic trauma therapy so I think it's churning my emotions up. Next appointment on Monday so I have a safety net and can tell someone in real life.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · Today 16:16

Virtual hug @morefeen

My sadness is caused by grief as I lost my wife almost a year ago. I recognise all the things you mention. Apathy about jobs I know I should be doing, worry about the consequences of not doing them, etc etc.

Fortunately, I work with dogs which is forcing me to get out and walk, and keep some sort of routine even when I don't feel like it.

I agree with the previous posters about getting up, getting showered, eating properly. I have tried to keep some order in the house, but it slips from time to time.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Allow yourself time to reflect on whatever you need to. Accept that some things will take longer than they should.

morefeen · Today 17:51

Thanks @HappiestSleeping
I am sorry for your grief.
I like your user name, I too am happiest when asleep- mainly. When I'm not having nightmares.

Sitting with my cat in the garden. Been dissociating quite a bit, so I've been trying to keep present with watching butterflies, listening to birds, feeling the sun on my face, the soft fur of the cat and the ground underfoot and smelling my rosemary plant that is by my bench.

Getting through each 10 minutes feels like a massive accomplishment, rather than an every day occurrence.

I appreciate the encouragement from you all, it's hard when you don't know where to turn.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · Today 18:28

morefeen · Today 17:51

Thanks @HappiestSleeping
I am sorry for your grief.
I like your user name, I too am happiest when asleep- mainly. When I'm not having nightmares.

Sitting with my cat in the garden. Been dissociating quite a bit, so I've been trying to keep present with watching butterflies, listening to birds, feeling the sun on my face, the soft fur of the cat and the ground underfoot and smelling my rosemary plant that is by my bench.

Getting through each 10 minutes feels like a massive accomplishment, rather than an every day occurrence.

I appreciate the encouragement from you all, it's hard when you don't know where to turn.

Thank you. There is a good quote from Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hanks is explaining how he feels and he says something along the lines of waking up and having to remind himself to breathe in and out, and make breakfast, etc until the time comes when he doesn't need to remind himself.

I think portions of time, be they ten minutes, or an hour, or whatever duration are just the way to look at it. I think that way about it too. If I can just get this bit done, then rest a while, then do the next bit.

At least there is plenty of sun at the moment 🥵

Conversationalcheddar · Today 18:35

i tend to accept it for a bit but put a timer on it. Like say that I can be numb and unproductive until x time but after that I have to just go through the motions. Allowing myself space to be sad really helps rather than constantly fighting it.

concertinacornflake · Today 18:36

Meditation can help, find a guided meditation focused on sadness

GreenEyesMillennial · Today 18:37

morefeen · Today 15:46

Thank you. I am so touched that you replied to me. I followed your suggestions and managed to have a shower. Feel stupidly tired now, but at least I'm cleaner. I find it really difficult to be kind to myself when I feel this way- so much so that reading the replies made me cry, and I felt shame. I never feel I deserve that kindness. I've recently started historic trauma therapy so I think it's churning my emotions up. Next appointment on Monday so I have a safety net and can tell someone in real life.

I am sorry you feel that way. I agree re shower, have a bath, put your best pjs on and relax? Watch a movie you like, get some chocolate and tuck yourself underneath a blanket. I felt like you some time ago and would re read a book I loved, re watched a series. I did not want to discover anything new so took comfort in things i already liked.

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