Struggling with chronic illness, work stress and feeling unable to cope

[thisisnotmybeautifulhouse73]

I’m not sure what the point of this post is, I guess I just want to scream in to the void!

I currently feel like I don’t want to be here anymore, I’m not enjoying my life, I’ve got so many things weighing me down and I just can’t carry on. I’m not going to do it though, because it would ruin the lives of my adult kids who still need me so much. My husband would be fine eventually, he’s a lot stronger.

I have a progressive chronic illness that hasn’t responded to quite aggressive treatments. That’s the main thing. I’m so fed up of pills, needles and bad news. My future looks like dialysis and a transplant. I’m tired and sick of pretending I’m ‘fine’..

Because of the above my life is very different, I can’t drink, I have a follow a restricted diet, I’m often on restricted fluids, I get tired so easily so I don’t go out socially much anymore. I’m not fun anymore.

Adding to this, I have the most stressful job ever and I HATE it. I moved into this space as thought it would be more laidback, I was so wrong. The hours are long, everything urgent, the people are so intense and it’s never fun, never lighthearted- just soul sapping. I need to find something else, but they know about my illness and are supportive with appointments etc. Another employer might not be.

I feel stuck, I have nowhere to turn. Yes, I can try and make my work situation better but I’ll still be sick and getting worse, this I cannot control (I do everything and more to try and contribute to good health). Who would want to live like this?

I’ve tried therapy. I’m convinced the only person therapy benefits is the therapist receiving £150 an hour! It does absolutely nothing for me. I will not be taking anti depressants.

Anyway, life is shi* and I don’t know what to do really! Anyone got any magic advice?

Therapy can't change the realities of things such as ill health and a job you hate.

Stress, however, is something you can manage – it doesn't exist as an entity in and of itself, it's our emotional response to events going on around us; it's something we do, rather than something that happens to us.

If you have adult children I'm guessing you are 50s or 60s? Is there the possibility of early retirement, going part time and/or downsizing to reduce outgoings? If you've ruled out the obvious options try thinking laterally.

downsizing wouldn’t work, our house isn’t big with loads of equity. We still have 8 yrs in our mortgage. You’re right I need to find another job that’s part time but well paid, that’s not an easy thing to do. I don’t want to go part time in my current role, it wouldn’t work- I’d end up working loads of extra hours for free. Early retirement is I ly an option once the mortgage is paid, assuming in well enough to work for the that long!

I agree with your comment about stress but I’ve been quietly dealing with this for 2 years now and I’m breaking day by day.

So do something about it.

It's very easy to say what you don't want – your first reply to my comment was 'no, this won't work' – but it's a lot harder to quantify what you do want.

You are an adult. You can do what you like.

Easier said than done. Being an adult is actually quite often putting up with daily shit and just getting by on with things. I’ve reached the point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck.

Reading between the lines, I suggest you contact Kidney Care UK for free therapy - better than paying for it.

i have direct experience of the dialysis-transplant cycle and what I can say is the expectation is sometimes the worst phase. When you’re in the panic phase it’s weirdly easier to cope with. Not easy obviously, but easier in some ways. I only tell you this as some reassurance that you might not be the “best you can be” right now, and you should be kind to yourself as much as possible.

There is a book called The Reality Slap you may find helpful

Yes it is. But your suffering is not going to be improved by believing you are stuck. You have options but you are rejecting them. That's OK, but no one else can change your situation but you.

How much does your husband take on? Financially can you cope with a lower paid part time role?

Out of interest why wouldn’t you take antidepressants? It sounds like they may help you

Pragmatically, something needs to change. And the simplest thing to tackle is the job. Accept you're ill, you're on your last nerve and can no longer continue with things the way they are. That's ok. It's not giving up or failing, it's recognising you need to hit the pause button. Apply for pip ( it sounds like you'd be eligible from both a physical and m/ h angle), and pull your financial reins in. Downsize if you can't manage.

Thank you, I’ll reach out to them.

I will see if I can download as a audiobook this evening.

He will take on as much as he can, we can afford for me to work part time but it would be a lifestyle change which I accept, but without saying as much, I know he wouldn’t be over the moon.

I do need to find another job that’s less stressful, I can’t carry on like this. I applied for PIP over a year ago, got zero points! At the time I couldnt use my hands properly due to medication side effects, so I couldn’t cook or drive, they said as I was getting nutrition that was fine and I had a driving licence and could plan a journey so also fine. They also said that I was engaged during the call so wasn’t depressed. I appealed and I’m currently waiting on a tribunal.

Definitely pursue the appeal - something like 70% of applications are found in favour of the applicants at the tribunal hearing. Get the cab/ local disability charity on-board to help, if you've not done so already. That would alleviate some of the pressure financially and allow you to look for alternative p/ t positions when you're ready. You recognise that you can't go on like this, that's the first step to change.

Definitely get in touch with Kidney Care UK to help you with the appeal - they know that first applications are usually rejected and can help with the forms for appeal.

Well I bet you’re not over the moon to be sick either. But life happens and if you can afford to reduce the work pressures then it would be an improvement overall