TLDR - I'm 20. My older sister, BIL and her kids live in our home country while me and our parents live in the UK. I don't like visiting my country anymore because of casual racism and just bigoted comments from people there, including my sister, BIL and parents sometimes even joining in or laughing along. However, I don't want to cause drama and so I felt peer pressured to go back. I’m here now and honestly wish I wasn’t. I want to come back mid-August because I had a concert planned with my ex (we broke up but stayed close friends), which we were planning to go on for over 10 months from September, and she paid over £150 for my ticket, but my sister brushed it away and wants me to stay the whole month. My dad expects me to help him around too. I don't know how to say I want to go without upsetting everyone. I don't think I can stand my ground because I don't work and still depend on parents. I haven’t felt happy for the past week because I know this is approaching, it'll cause upset and either I lose my closest person or I upset my family. I know my sister and dad especially will not be happy and have a go at me or worse.
The longer story:
I moved to the UK with my parents when I was 5. I've lived and studied here for the majority of my life. I'm 20 now, and in September I go into my third year of university.
Since I was young we have been flying back to my country every year for summer holidays and occasionally Christmas, Easter etc, to see our extended family and mainly my older sister, who didn’t like the UK and decided to go back and stay in our country with her then-boyfriend and now husband. She is now 30 and they have 3 children, which is another major reason why we go back whenever we have the opportunity.
All these years I loved visiting my country to see them but now, as I've grown older and got used to living and going out in the UK, I really don't enjoy going back anymore as I've realised how casually racist/colourist and homophobic my family and other people can be.
Recently, especially this and last summer when we've gone back, everyone has made some sort of racist/colourist comment about people of colour, and they all laugh about it or treat it as normal. It was mostly my brother in law that would say this type of stuff so I used to think he was the worst and resented him, but recently I've realised my sister is just as bad. My parents even go along or agree with whatever bs they say sometimes, which has just made me lose hope completely.
As a whole their attitudes make me resent them and my own country and I want to go back less and less each time.
The issue is that I’m here now, because I felt like I had to from my sister constantly asking when I'm going and how the kids want to see their uncle, especially the youngest who is turning 2 this year. My parents were also asking when I would go and I didn't want to turn against them. They are coming too but slightly after me at the start of August. They encouraged me to go and help my sister out with the kids. I caved in because I feel like I can't just not see my own sister, nieces and nephews as I don't want to cause a massive upset in the family. We have never been on bad terms or argued even, and my main fear was that if I said I don't want to go, not only would everyone be upset at me and against me, but I'm also a broke, unemployed uni student and my parents still keep a roof over my head and feed me etc, so what power do I genuinely have in turning against them?
My worry now is that I want to come back to the UK early because in mid-August I'm meant to go to a concert with my ex-girlfriend. We broke up last year but stayed on good terms and are still close friends. We planned this in September so almost a year, and she paid over £150 for my ticket so we could both go. I know this might weaken my side because it's my ex, but I just want to have a good time and it would break my heart to call this off when she has been waiting to go with me literally all year. When I told her my sister wanted me to stay and there’s a possibility I might not make it, she said if I don't end up coming she might consider cutting me off and not talking to me anymore, which I completely understand because we've had this planned for a year and I decide to pull this 3 weeks before. If it was up to me I’d fly back without a second thought, but my family is the issue.
I told my sister I wanted to come back because I have a concert, but I didn't tell her it was my ex because that would give her something to argue against me, so I said a friend paid for my ticket. However, she didn't take it seriously at all and said the friend paid for me to guilt trip me into going with them (they didn't, I agreed to go), and she said I can just tell them now that I'm not going and they can go with someone else. But not only do I want to go, I don't want to cancel something we had planned a year ahead and make her not talk to me anymore. I see her as a close friend and I don’t want to lose our friendship because of this.
I told my mum the same and she initially got kind of annoyed, saying if I wanted to return early I should’ve come back here much earlier at the start of July. Had I come here earlier and sacrificed a bit of time before, I could’ve made it back for the concert now. I should’ve thought this through more instead of just not coming. After this though, we looked at ticket options for me and it didn’t seem like it was a complete no from her, which is good but I still don’t know which side she’ll pick in the end.
I don't know what to do because I have to bring it back up at some point. I know my sister would get upset and likely have a go at me, which in turn will make my holiday suck as I’m with her for the majority of each day.
When my dad comes back he said he’d be working on our house this summer and I would be helping him around, but he doesn’t know that I want to go back early. I know this will make him mad and disappointed.
It doesn’t help that my ticket will be coming out of his/mum’s money.
So I'll basically be up against my whole family, and again I don't have a job or any reason like that to stay in the UK over the summer apart from that concert which, judging by my sister's reaction, no one will take seriously.
All I’ve been doing this last week is dreaming of coming back and stressing a lot because I keep anticipating them having goes at me. If something positive or good happens it always tainted by this as I know it’s approaching, so I genuinely can’t feel happy or calm, hence why I’m posting in this mental health thread although it might be more suited elsewhere.
Could anyone help me on how to handle this?