Extreme oversensitivity to other people

[pinkisnotmycolor]

Not sure why I’m writing a post really, I know no one has a solution! Just a brain dump really.

I am stupidly oversensitive. A (perceived) sharp tone of voice, an eye roll, a ‘look’ from someone sends me spiralling in a very disproportionate way. I’ve always been like this and having had a few years of therapy, put it down to a few things from childhood. Bullying, parents who loved me and did their best but dismissed my worries etc. Or perhaps it’s just my personality.

I ruminate on things that other people wouldn’t even notice, for days, months, years. Specific (big or small) events hurt less over time but they still hurt.

Today I made a minor mistake when driving (which other people have made ‘against’ me and I’ve thought ‘oh well that was dumb but no harm done’) and got shouted at by a woman from her car, waving her arms and scowling at me before giving the finger and driving off still yelling. In reaction to this, I’ve spent the last 3 hours on the sofa crying and hating myself for ‘letting’ her do this to me. Having intrusive thoughts about suicide (to be clear, they’re absolutely not thoughts that will go anywhere or that I am at any risk of acting on but it’s as if my brain is flashing up images of ‘hmm maybe you could try dying?’).

My therapist has been helpful in many regards but obviously can’t make me less sensitive and it feels life ruining at times. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope. At work, I don’t allow myself to join in with chit chat in case I say something stupid or annoy someone. I think carefully before speaking regarding work related things in case i say the wrong thing and anger someone. Mistakes I make seem monumental to me and I feel as if I make them because I’m no good at anything including my job even though I logically know this isn’t true and that everyone makes mistakes.

I find it extremely upsetting and frustrating that I can be perfectly fine and then my whole day/ week is ruined by something very minor and then I’ll remember that event and feeling for the rest of my life. I feel WEAK and like other people can sense my weakness and therefore use it as a way to pick at me. Logically, the woman in that car didn’t know anything about me as a person so I know I’m not being reasonable by thinking that!

I’m lucky to have good, caring friends who would let me vent to them but honestly I’m embarrassed to phone any of them to say ‘a woman shouted at me so now I’ve completely fallen apart’.

Has anyone experienced such extreme sensitivity and managed to become a bit more robust? I’m in my mid forties and sick of feeling like a toddler.

Thank you for reading.

You maybe can't change your personality, but you can change the way you think.

Logically, the woman in that car didn’t know anything about me as a person

Imagine being able to 'step outside' your learned responses and recognise the truth you posted there. The woman was angry at the situation, whatever is happening in her life – you just happened to be right place, right time.

Also imagine if you weren't 'stupidly oversensitive' but just normal. I’ve always been like this. No, you weren't. I can promise you that as a baby you didn't care less about tones of voices and eye rolls; you learnt that these were signs that you needed to pick on for self preservation.

You CAN change the way you think and react. Talk to your therapist about metacognition.

I'm surprised the topic of neurodiversity hasn't been raised by any of your therapists before. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a major part of ADHD and autism for a lot of people. There's also the possibility that you have it with any neurodiversity, but some of your post sounds very similar to my autistic family members. They tend to have intrusive thoughts and excessive rumination, usually because they're not very good at perceiving the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others. This makes them invent intentions and read too much into situations, they get very wound up about perceived attacks that really weren't there sometimes.

Also to add it sounds like your nervous system is constantly on high alert so you're very reactive to things. This is very similar to my collection of autistic folks. Once they work out ways to bring down their nervous system and soothe it, they find it easier to step back and calmly assess interactions before jumping to conclusions. It's a difficult skill to learn but it's absolutely impossible to do if your body is constantly in fight or flight mode.

You’ve got RSD, perhaps as part of a wider ND profile. I’ve got it, too, but I’ve been working on it and I’m better than I was.

Thank you for your reply. You are quite right that I’ve not always been like this but it sure feels it! I will look into metacognition, thank you. You’re also right about ‘stepping outside’ and seeing the situation for what it is. I’m quite good at rationally talking myself through the reality of a situation ‘he didn’t mean to snap at me, maybe his baby had him up all night’ / ‘she’s having a bad day and took it out on me’ but it doesn’t actually ‘land’ with me if that makes sense. The logical likely reality and my emotional reaction to it are 2 separate things. Thank you.

my nervous system is quite a mess, you’re not wrong! To the point that I’m convinced the development of autoimmune conditions/ chronic illnesses are caused by my buggered nervous system. I’m trying to address this in various ways, thank you. Re ND, this is something I’ve wondered for the last few years. Some pointers to ADHD/ autism definitely fit but others not at all. But then everyone is different I guess. I’m not sure what the waiting lists in my area are like and I know exploring a private diagnosis is very expensive. Perhaps I’ll discuss it with my GP. Thank you.

I was googling RSD earlier and thinking ‘yeh this does fit’ but then saw others on an online forum say that they have never asked someone out/ avoid inviting people to things in case they say no etc and I’m not like this at all. However, maybe I have RSD only when it comes to fear of people being angry with me/ thinking I’m stupid? And less in social situations? Not sure if that’s possible.

do you mind me asking how you’ve been working on your RSD? I’m glad things are better for you

Another one here interested in working on RSD with a potential autism diagnosis (awaiting assessment).

I think its just quite a normal human reaction that most people dont admit.
Cbt abd dbt can hekp. As can being more open with loved ones, you may find they experience exactly the same and can help you fact check.

Yes, CBT helped me with my RSD (am ASD). What an acronym salad!

Some ND people don't find CBT helps them, but it was a game changer for me. Learning how to objectively analyse what they call "hot" thoughts really gave me control over my horribly dysregulated emotions and made me a nicer person to be around, as well as happier in myself.

Hi, I never comment on MN but as someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (also known as BPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder), please have a wee look at the diagnosis criteria etc on websites like mind. Take care x

I work with lots of ND children and CBT seems to help with unhelpful thinking patterns - I try to practise some of the techniques myself.

ND women often benefit from DBT, which helps with acceptance and recognition of emotions. It works particularly well on distress tolerance and RSD/dysregulation.

I would also add autism as a possibility. We have this in our family, even to the point where I am aware of my husband’s body language and tone and this can trigger me without him even saying anything bad (he is usually hungry!).

However, if you have suffered from any history of violence as a child this could also add an element of sensitivity. If you have had to live in a situation where you had to ‘watch your back’ and be hyper-vigilant about body language and tone. This is known to happen as a trauma response.

Thank you everyone for your replies and suggestions, lots to think about

THIS !
I have recently (after suggestion from my MH nurse) gone down the right to choose pathway and got an ADHD diagnosis.
Rejection sensitivity and sensitivity in general are big players.