Work mistakes and stress leave while caring for family mental health

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Good evening all
I’m going through a bit of a tough time and it’s impacting my work.
LSS - Single mum, DS 14 has ADHD & DD 5 little madam
working p/t 3 days doing referrals for NHS. Been there 3 years
My mum got scammed and January of 24k. It’s made her very depressed and forgetful. Also she has been gaslit by her partner. She is relying heavily on me for everything. Too scared to drive or do life admin I’m having to do it all
also my DS medication gave him suicidal thoughts for a few days
DD has had gastroenteritis and other illnesses (coupled with her not sleeping and crying for anything)
Ive then had insomnia due to all of this
my brother doesn’t help and my kids father is no help.
im making stupid mistakes at work ( not life or death) but they are adding up and sometimes I don’t even recognise why I would fuck up like this. Im constantly apologising for messing up or anxious about what email is going to contain something I have or haven’t done. I’ve tried slowing down and double checking but somehow I’m always doing something wrong.

I’m now having to have capability meetings with HR and line manager said my job could be on the line.
Im hesitant to get signed off with stress because I feel it will impact the team but my mess is impacting the team but my line manager said I could take unpaid leave for a few months. I don’t know what to do. I feel like such a failure

any advice would be welcome

Get yourself signed off work for a month. Find out how to get your mum the support she needs - you can’t do it all for her.

You have to drop something at some point. Your mum needs to have other help. Take a few weeks off work and get a social care assessment booked in for your mum, then tell her clearly you can’t carry on like this and she needs to ring brother.
your children need you and you have work committments. It’s ok to say you are at your limit and can’t help.

Are you in a union? If so my first step would be to go to them and ask for advice. It’s situations like this that unions are for.

If family stress is so badly affecting you, then you should be speaking to your manager about this, otherwise they have no context for your performance. I know someone who was off with stress in the NHS for a long time due to family issues. She was in a critical clinical position though so could feel secure.

Jobs in the NHS tend to be more secure than in most organisations.

Having read your email again I don’t see how staying at work helps you if you are still stressed and will still make mistakes. This seems to me to increase your likelihood of losing your job. I think you need to tell work about your family situation and look at getting signed off for stress.

But again, some proper advice would help, so if you are in a union speak to them.

When you say your mum is gaslit by her partner, is she in an abusive relationship?

Good morning @peaceatnight my work are aware of the problems I’m facing. I’m very open with them. I will contact the union and speak to someone. I had an OH assessment in February

@Yogabearmous hi. Please don’t get me started on my brother 🤦🏽‍♀️
he has two kids and a partner and always uses the excuse that he’s working and has a family. Only calls mum to watch the kids or help them with food. He is absolutely no help.
she is under the mental health team and she’s had an MRI results to be shared in September. She used to be a Band 5 team leader for training and development and now she can’t make a phone call or send an email without me there or calling me at work to help her with something

Is dd5 getting any help as a young carer, or you as a carer? It
sounds like you are getting very frustrated with her describing her as a “little madam” and “crying for anything” but she’s also living amongst all this stress and if a lot of your attention is on ds and your mum, it will be affecting her behaviour.
take the time off work!

You are entitled to representation at your capability meeting so speak to your union sooner rather than later. Don’t go to the meeting without representation, if need be ask to reschedule to allow your union rep to attend.

Have your work offered any supports, given they know you’re overloaded out of work - any adjustments to work load, counselling support? Your union can help identify what might help you. If you have paid sick leave, taking some time off can help you reset - get some help in place for your mum and your DS and to gather your thoughts.

What was the outcome of the OH assessment, did they make any recommendations and have they been implemented? It may be worth getting that updated, because you’re 6 months down the line and things may have changed. Have you spoken to your GP about your struggles? I know it’s an old chestnut on here but could menopause be playing a part - my attention span fractured during menopause but HRT helped enormously.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn you are right I get frustrated very quickly. I call her a madam and cries for anything in the sense that I’d say she cannot have another smoothie as she didn’t finish the last one and she literally has a melt down which can last hours. For a 5 year old she has a lot of attitude and I try my hardest to talk nicely and explain why she can’t but then she’d drag out the upset for ages. She has been unwell with gastroenteritis, vulvoganitis, random itching parts of her body, diarrhoea, woke up with swollen eyes one day and school anxiety (kicking and screaming all the way to the gate)
the school have been excellent and she’s been ok for about two weeks

@peaceatnight shes been with him 16 years but he only moved in two years ago. Since he moved in she retired and became his kind of carer (he had a toe amputation). He’s a hoarder and has filled her house with crap off of Temu and he’s dirty. We have realised he has hidden things that she has been looking for, accuse her of not telling him about her appointments when she didn’t book them etc. Wasn’t helpful when she was scammed and just an overall negative person. Last week he finally moved out but that was due to me having to be the go between

Get signed off

Mentally you are being pulled in all directions and you have way less capacity you need to recover and function well.

Action plan:

1. get signed off - you can deal with that later, they need to follow due process and you do not have to take unpaid leave if you are stressed

2. speak to your mother and only do absolute critical tasks otherwise she needs to start doing for herself again
   Keep contact regular but less often and brief to reduce the mental load too. Make sure you have ‘days off’ from her and her situation. You can care and be supportive but try to push back on feeling wholly responsible for her difficulties as that can creep into the mental load. By doing to much here you maintaining her helplessness.

3. Monitor son for medication response and request review if needed

4. Plan rest even if not sleeping you can rest. Plan some simple routines to maintain stability for your household Plan some simple days out to her away from it all and ‘step off’

5. when you feel up to it consider advice related to work

Quick thought that may be either annoying or helpful. You said your son has ADHD. Have you considered if maybe you do? As you hit perimenopause this is when undiagnosed ADHD begins to show itself as the hormone changes start to make emotional regulation suddenly harder, anxiety harder and focus. If that is the case it may be that diagnosis/meds and maybe HRT might help? I don't know your age so its just a thought. My children were around 14 when I got diagnosed after a bout of depression and anxiety from stress of being a single F/T working parent and managing a tricksy ex husband. I'd coped well enough for years and then suddenly hit consistent overwhelm and started therapy at which point it was suggested I have an assessment. No one - previous GP/psychiatrists had picked up on it. Turns out subsequently a few years later after that diagnosis that I am also autistic. You have a lot on your plate. It's understandable to be stressed out and dropping the ball a bit though - maybe you do just need some time out - but that will only be useful if that break from work isn't just turned into spending more time picking up the load for your mum and running around doing jobs/wrangling kids. In some ways, work can give you a break from all that. Maybe it might be better to split your P/T over more mornings or something? Or could you do flexi time type thing?

@FMLpassthegin not annoying at all. Definitely something to explore. 2 of my sons have ADHD as does my brother and uncle so it could be possible. I never thought about it for myself.
we don’t have flexitime in my trust but I will see about spreading out my hours
thank you x