23 year old son feels life is pointless - I need some help please.

[RomayneAnne]

For the last 4/5 years he has felt that life lacks a reason. He finds it hard to want to better himself and has no motivation for anything. After getting 4 A levels he went to Oxford to read Law. He ended up with a "rubbish" 2.2 because he found it hard to do any revision (for the reason above)and was 1 mark off a 2.1 - which he would have been happy with. After an unhappy year in China teaching English he has now come home with some very negative thoughts about the future. He is unable to do what he wanted to do - fly - because of an eye problem, he failed the medical. He has lots of friends from uni and school and has fun in between times. He wants to be alive for us, his parents, but not for himself as he needs to see a point in life. I don't know how to help other than trying to help him find a job. That's hard because there's "nothing" he wants to do.

good about progress romayne
hatwoman i agree with you. I mean look at the lifeboat guys. It's glib I know -- but that's not a luxury and it's profoundly motivating for those involved. Same all the way through the charity/voluntary network.

you say he really wanted to fly...why don't you suggest he tries looking for something else in that field. My Dh is an aircraft engineer and he loves his job. It might help to have a change of direction.

Is there anywhere near you where he could join a gliding club? Might be an alternative to flying as a career providing the eyesight problem doesn't preclude it. I know it wouldn't solve any problems regarding a career but it might give him something to be happy about. You would probably have to help him out financially a little though.

I agree with hatwoman. There are careers that require some voluntary work to even get into them. Others that need huge amounts of work experience.

Was he a member of the OU gliding club? (Nosey emoticon and only asking because I was- cold Sundays at Bicester- Iused to come home so frozen I'd have to sit in a baking hot bath for hours to recover).

Just wondering if you are still about RomayneAnne? If so, and I realise this is a very long shot, but perhaps he could look at
www.environment-agency.gov.uk/jobs/2051254/?version=1&lang=_e. It's law, but not as he knows it. Academically he's obviously way above the minimum requirement, and it's not going to earn him much (it's the government for heavens sake!) but it could, if he chose, be just the start of something. Or it could just be something to get going on while he finds his real niche. From what I know, it's not a job for the faint-hearted and one heck of a lot more interesting than a fill-in job in McD's!

Or even [http://www.environment-agency.gov.uk/jobs/jobsearch/2070793/?lang=_e&region=&jobrefnum=&jobtype=&ke ywords=&searchfor=&hours=&contracttype=&datefrom=&dateto=&anyall=&chooseorder=&exactphrase=&withou twords=]] . Pays (a bit) more too!

The bottom line is there is stuff out there. Stuff that might interest him, and therefore give him more interest in life in general. Get him to collar everyone you know/he knows, find out what they do, what the people they work with do. The sad thing about looking for a career is that you just don't know what's out there, and sad to say, in many respects neither do careers officers beyond the broad spec of 'teacher', 'docotor', 'solicotor', 'plumber'.

Answering a few questions -
Eandz, he graduated in 2007. Thanks for your encouragement. The thing about having to compete is exactly right - he needs to move away from that mindset and I'm working on it.
ArrietyClock - the links look great and I will show them to him.
Jangly and Ecmo - other areas of flying are definitely an option. He loves airports and anything to do with aircraft - maybe a ground job in management or something.
CissyCharlton - I have mentioned doing another degree which would then sit on top of the first one but it really comes down to the finances. He is already deeply in debt from the first degree and we can't (and shouldn't, I know) provide the funding as heavily in debt ourselves with our first mortgage.

I think the voluntary/charity work discussion is v interesting - food for thought which I can discuss with him. He does have to earn a decent amount tho to pay off the loan.

Came across a job with the MOD to do with map making - he was interested but doesn't have the geography qual. May pursue that by doing any job for a year while getting geog GCSE and then apply for it.

Am feeling better about things because we are making few steps in right direction. Perhaps if job sorted then he might lift out of the depression. My task for tomorrow is to find the 'Meaning of Life'! Going to do some reading around it and try to pass on helpful stuff to him. I think he needs an answer to the question 'why am I here'. It took me ages to find my own answer but it doesn't seem to work for him.

Thanks to everyone again.

I hope I'm as good a Mum as you when the time comes Romayne.

sounds good Romayne - in all this I had missed how recently he graduated. you really don;t need to panic. loads of my friends took several years after Oxford to decide what to do - and I can honestly say that they've all "turned out ok" . some have changed careers, some have got amazing careers, some realised they weren't career people and have got jobs (good ones) that pay the mortgage that they try not to care about too much; most of us are somewhere inbetween; even my friend who went down for drug dealing and suffered serious mental ill-health is now running a business with his father doing what he loves!

has to be said though that I'm 99 percent sure that none of them had financial support from their parents. and I can only think of one who went back to live with his parents. We were all forced into the job market one way or another, by our desire to pay our own rent so that we could flat-share with friends. I'm not suggesting booting him out if he's properly depressed and ill - but do give that aspect of things some thought.

Stuffitllama, you will be because you obviously care. Thank you for caring about me and my son! I'm going to go through all the comments again when I feel more calm and less panicky. Hatwoman - thank you for your last message - makes me feel optimistic.