23 year old son feels life is pointless - I need some help please.

[RomayneAnne]

For the last 4/5 years he has felt that life lacks a reason. He finds it hard to want to better himself and has no motivation for anything. After getting 4 A levels he went to Oxford to read Law. He ended up with a "rubbish" 2.2 because he found it hard to do any revision (for the reason above)and was 1 mark off a 2.1 - which he would have been happy with. After an unhappy year in China teaching English he has now come home with some very negative thoughts about the future. He is unable to do what he wanted to do - fly - because of an eye problem, he failed the medical. He has lots of friends from uni and school and has fun in between times. He wants to be alive for us, his parents, but not for himself as he needs to see a point in life. I don't know how to help other than trying to help him find a job. That's hard because there's "nothing" he wants to do.

Yes, Cornwall is the new City, donchaknow

Well it is in August. You can't move for BMW's bought from garages in Park Lane!

Well precisely - you are proving my point. Cornwall is lovely and gorgeous but it isn't an economic powerhouse with lots of businesses and careers around to explore. It's where people go to relax and chill out. Which is lovely for a couple of weeks. Not for a 23 year old with a life to build.

Well it depends which sort of career you want and which sort of life. We did the Oxford/London thing and moved to the south-west as soon as we could.

My disagreement wasn't really with where a 23 year old might prefer to be it was with the idea that because his parents were in Cornwall it might be terribly difficult for him. Found that idea frankly bizarre.

It's not bizarre at all. Think of the 23 year old whose parents live in central London or the Home Counties and is surrounded by people with London careers who he has known since birth. Much, much easier to have a full picture of career options for that boy than for the OP's son.

That doesn't preclude moving out later on. But there is a point in life where you need to get started - and a boy with 4 A levels and an Oxford degree needs to go to London or a very big city IMHO.

Hundreds if not thousands of people who do well in business and build careers have parents who live outside London Anna! Most of them flat share with mates and go home for the odd weekend and Xams. It is possible!

Romayne - sympathies - you must be feeling really sad and sorry for your son. I think a careers counsellor would be a great first step.

In the meantime what other things does he enjoy? Can he think of other fields that he may have an interest in?

FWIW my DH got a 2.2 (only from Durham though!) in maths and ended up as an accountant. He sort of fell into it but generally enjoys it and is quite successful! Hoping to retire at 50 and really enjoy himself then!

That's not the point Buda

The point is that the OP's son needs to get to London/big city soon - in Cornwall at his parents' home he is isolated and won't be able to weigh up his options.

Well it depends what you want out of life isn't it. Many people go to London from Oxford but many don't. Which is why I said earlier to think about whether he wanted a profession. It's very easy to fall into the whole London/profession thing with an Oxford degree and it's not right for everyone. I know people who did it then spent ages trying to escape or did escape.

You sound like my MIL Anna.

Your MIL obviously speaks a lot of sense

No - I'm sure she has many talents. Speaking sense is most definitely not one of them.

I think it is incredibly misguided to offer a 23 year old with obvious academic talents the option of "wanting a profession" or not. Of course he needs a profession (or else how is he going to build a life for himself). The point is - he needs to know what professions are out there. How can he find out if he is in the sticks?

Ignorance is not bliss.

Anna- there is more than one type of life.

I write from the experience of watching many Oxford graduates fall into whatever it was that was expected of them. And happiness that does not necessarily produce. I see this 23 year old of being in the fortunate position of being able to take a little bit of time (and yes I agree that action is important) to do whatever it is that he really wants to do.

FWIW the people I know from Oxford who are happiest in their working role are generally running their own businesses. Most gained some general business type experience (none went into a profession has to be said), then did some form of MBA. Then went self-employed/set up in business.

Of course after looking into everything he might decide that he does really want to be a lawyer for example. And great, it's a great job if it's something you enjoy,. Miserable if it's something you hate.

Lots of people manage to find out things from the 'sticks'. You asked why the OP was in Cornwall.. Presumably she lives there and their family live is there. You can't expect them to move to London. It is not the be all and end all of the world. The OP's DS may not want a 'profession' such as law/accountancy etc. It sounds to me as it he would not enjoy any of the so-called professions. At the moment he needs to work out what it is he does want. And what better place than in his family home with parents who want what is best for him?

He can research from home and travel to where ever he needs to for courses or interviews or whatever.

Well, precisely - there are many sorts of life and you will see a huge variety in a big city and only a small variety in a rural environment.

I never suggested that the OP's family should move to London . I wondered what the family life model was, that was all - after all, children's first example in life is their parents.

Agree with Buda.

You have a very strange idea of life in Cornwall versus London Anna. Real people live in Cornwall too.

The OP son may well want to go to London- the majority of Oxford grads do go straight there for a few years at least, so no doubt it's where his friends are at the moment. I'd still advise him against falling into a profession (very very easy to do) and to take a little time exploring all options.

Sorry if I misunderstood but it seemed that you were questioning why they lived in Cornwall when he needed to be in London. I was just pointing out that he can still sort himself out from Cornwall - he prob will end up in London but can start from where he is.

Not sure why you expended so much energy disagreeing with me when we actually agree on almost everything getback (apart from Cornwall having fewer employment opportunities than London, which just economic fact I am afraid ).

Buda - he is depressed. He thinks life is pointless. I think he needs to see more life options.

Do you think after 3 years at college he is still likely to be constrained by his parents' 'life model'?

My PIL were Devon farmers. DH is an engineer and BIL is a Finance director. In London

I agree Anna - but he can do that from the comfort of the family home with family support. He needs to figure out what he wants.

Asking himself some long-term questions will help. Where does he see himself in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years etc. A careers counsellor sounds like the best next step for him.

Even if he can't figure out what he does want he may be able to figure out what he doesn't want - that in itself would be a start.

Well I totally disagree that a 23 year old 'needs' a profession. If he wants one, great go for it, although a 2:2 in the current climate will probably make it difficult to get a City training contract in law- would be fine outside the City though, but would mean self funding law school probably. Legal exec might be a possibility though with funded law school a few years later.

But does he want that? That's the key question really. Once he knows what he wants he can go for it.

i might be sticking my neck out here- but the part that stood out for me was when you said he could live with you for free - if he can do that then there in no motivating factor for him to have to get on with making his own decisions, and the more you indulge him by continuing to fund his life, the worse you are making it, even with the best of intentions.
Am sure that many on here would agree he is plenty old enough to make his choices in his own time- and it doesnt have to mean choosing an entire career path this week. Some of us never know what we want to do, but find that we are capable of far more than we realised when we have to do it- ie by taking a job that may not be the high flying career that your post suggest you feel he needs to give his life meaning.
Force his hand into choosing a job by stopping funding him, and let him sink or swim on his own for a bit.

He could be a midwife, or a psychoanalyst, or a publisher..

Think that's good advice chuggabopps.