23 year old son feels life is pointless - I need some help please.

[RomayneAnne]

For the last 4/5 years he has felt that life lacks a reason. He finds it hard to want to better himself and has no motivation for anything. After getting 4 A levels he went to Oxford to read Law. He ended up with a "rubbish" 2.2 because he found it hard to do any revision (for the reason above)and was 1 mark off a 2.1 - which he would have been happy with. After an unhappy year in China teaching English he has now come home with some very negative thoughts about the future. He is unable to do what he wanted to do - fly - because of an eye problem, he failed the medical. He has lots of friends from uni and school and has fun in between times. He wants to be alive for us, his parents, but not for himself as he needs to see a point in life. I don't know how to help other than trying to help him find a job. That's hard because there's "nothing" he wants to do.

Yes he could Anna- and none of those are Oxford 'professions' which was why I said think about it before becoming a lawyer/accountant etc.

Well publishing might be. but midwife/plumber no.

I often wish I'd done plumbing....

Romayne - I had moments in me late teens when I felt like your son. I had done very weel in school but not got into my first choice Uni. For many reasons I just could not see the point of life at all. To this day I thank my Mum for the way she dealt with it. First she got me therapy - not long term psychoanalysis but CBT which is more of a short, sharp fix. Next she made it clear that she loved me more than anything and would always be there to talk to me, help me and support me BUT I was an adult and had to make my own way in the world. To that end she refused me free rent and refuge. I had to pay my own way or go to uni. This forced me out into the world and stopped me sitting around ruminating. IMO there is nothing more dangerous for a depressed person than too much time to think.

There were times I desperatley wanted to withdraw from society and hide but thanks to me Mum's approach I could not. I went to uni and my mum kept in clsoe contact visiting most weekends at first, slowly I got absorbed in life and work and started to feel better and rely on Mum less. Soon I was working hard, I moved in with friends and started to really experience life. I loved it and have never looked back. At the end of Uni my Mum again made it clear I was expected to work and I immediatly got a job, not giving meself too much time to think. My keeping busy I found my place in the world.

Sometimes you almost have to be cruel to be kind. While letting your son know that you love him you might also consider pushing him a bit and not giving him the freedom to mope (the one caveat to that is keeping a close eye on him and constantly re-assessing that he can cope with independence).

RomayneAnne - if he's still interested in one of the 'traditional' Oxford careers can I suggest that he looks at the Oxford Careers Service. It's free to use and they take graduates up to 4 years after they have left. They will be very used to this kind of situation and will be able to offer expert advice and help on likely job prospects etc. I think they are probably less useful if you want to have a less mainstream career but may still be worth a ring. The website is here careers Also, if he finds his tutors approachable he may want to contact them. Law tutors tend to have quite a good knowledge of what is out there in terms of job prospects and will probably have seen similar situations before. I'm sure they'd be very happy to hear from him.

I hope all works out. FWIW I think he probably would get a place on the LPC but it's unlikely that he'd get a training contract with funding for it at the moment. I would only take the LPC on if I were absolutely committed to being a lawyer as it is expensive and it might be quite disheartening trying to get a contract with a 2:2. Could he get some temporary paralegal work to fund him to live in London and give him the opportunity to be with his friends and to think more carefully about what he wants to do long term.

Gosh - I cross-posted with Chugga but was essentially trying to say the same thing.

I agree to an extent but if he is depressed and feeling lost I would be worried about just whipping a security blanket from under him just yet.

He sounds like he needs some support. That can be done. Figuring out what he would like long term versus short term may end up in him deciding to undertake further study either using his law degree or not.

I think if he sees a careers counsellor he has a starting point. Either retrain/study in a field he is interested in or just decide to take a job - any job - for a year or so in London or wherever (but sounds like he has friends in London) and take time to make a long term decision.

If he really wants to do Law he should consider retaking a Law Degree at the private Buckingham University. They offer a law degree which is much shorter time wise than other university and they have an excellent reputation.

He won't get onto any LPC or BVC without a 2:1 or a first so if law is his passion he should go back and make the correction.

He might struggle for the couple of years financially while he does this but in the long run it will probably be the smartest move he makes.

Registering with the Oxford careers service is a really good idea. I used to like receiving the lists of jobs (presumably it's all online now?) and it used to make me think about doing all sorts of things I hadn't considered.

He sounds very sad, almost depressed. His self expectation hasn't come to fruition and he's disappointed...sounds very like a vicious circle. It needs to be broken. Definitely sounds as though he needs to talk to someone, though I get the feeling that he needs to talk about himself and his life rather than any future career at this point.
I feel for you Romayne. My Ds of only 9.10 talks about having no point to living and it scares me so much.
I hope he can work out for himself that he can and will be happy if he allows himself to be and accepts that he may not have got his desired result, but he's far from a failure and that everything happens for a reason - including his 2.2. xxx

Hi Romayne - I feel for you, and I also feel quite strongly about what some people have posted on here. First thing's first - has he seen a doctor? If he really doesn;t see the point in living then he needs to see one asap.

secondly - he needs advice, guidance, support. the absolute last thing he needs is to be told what kind of life he wants. hell if he doesn;t know what kind of life he wants how on earth does anyone else? least of all a bunch of mners who've never even met the lad.

I would really urge you not to push him in any particular direction (all this he must have profession, be part of mainstream society, be in London stuff I find, frankly shocking). The only place you'll push him is away from you.

There are a million ways to be happy - the key is finding the one for you. You have to give him the love and support to help him find it. you can't do it for him. I would say the most you can do is suggest he makes himself a plan - set some goals for the next year or so. his goals might be: get himself to a doc to see if he's depressed, get himself better enough that he can work - he might not need a profession but he does need a job (Are you supporting him (financially) at the moment? He needs to know that that won;t continue indefinitely.) make some decisions about where he wants to live (which comes first - where he wants to live or what he wants to do? he needs to decide).

I'm actually quite angry at some of the stuff said about charity/voluntary work and mainstream society. and as for an Oxford boy needing to go to London....unhappiness in life is often about lack of control, putting people into boxes, people dong what they think they "should " do...

Another thought - Does he have a partner btw? is he nursing a university/first big relationship broken heart?

there have been some helpful suggestions posted since I drafted that - please don't think I was deriding those...

Great advice there from hatwoman.

The other thing that's struck me thinking about this more is that if he had his hear set on flying - and that was his thing- then it sounds like he needs to know there are other options. That's where registering with the Oxford careers service could be really great advice as you get a regular list sent to you and it's full of possibilities. I registered with a few career services during my time and the Oxford one was the best for variety of ideas. It had longer lists.

Does he get a chance to fly anyway - for fun?

getback - well, the reason I mentioned midwife, psychoanalyst and publisher was because they are the professions of my three closest Oxford-graduate friends

You were far more eloquent than I hatwoman. I agree with you entirely.

Anna- when I said to be careful about falling into a profession I meant the traditional Oxford professions. Such as law or accountancy or even publishing. I think you're determined to misunderstand that.

I was trying to say what hatwoman has said. But she's said it now. Brilliantly.

No, I am determined to show you that you were talking with blinkers on

I agree with Anna8888-Cornwall is not the place for a 23 year old who doesn't know what to do with his life-pleasant though it might be. (I speak with experience, my parents lived in Cornwall and it wasn't good for my brother at that stage in his life-he is now back and it is fine now he is older).
I think he needs to get out of the comfort zone of home and he has friends he can stay with in London. You need to be mixing with people and opportunities turn up. My DS would still be sitting at home feeling sorry for himself if we hadn't given him a bit of a push. A career counsellor may come up with something he hadn't considered.

romay. your son is amazing to get a degree whatever it is, and to go to oxford is excellent and an amazing university.
give him praise him tell him over the top if you have to how proud you are of him going to university how much you love him how gorgeous he his etc. even that will be a helpful start, tell him to go doctors, no sorry make him go doctors drag him if you can. they will give him some med to start with.
the poor poor boy.

I agree that if he is depressed and has been thinking life is pointless for some time then therapy is far more important at this point than any kind of career advice.

I don't think he needs therapy! He wants some career advice. He is completely normal, but to get to Oxford he must have met with success all his life and suddenly, to his mind, he has failed. A 2.2 from Oxford counts for something! He just needs to see that it hasn't blighted his life.

AbbeyA - I think that a good therapist would actually help him to reframe his perception of success and failure. But that's all the therapy he needs IMO.

abbey if he talks about life only thing is for you. he needs a little help, does not mean he is not normal but having a bad time.
a therapist might help him see his qualitys nd his right job. but for those of us who have been depressed at spometime, it can happen for anything, and think we are normal especially with the help.
take him doctore and explain or you go and tell them and se what they say, there the proffesionals they ll decide if he s depressed or not

How on earth can you make that judgement Anna? You are in no position to know what therapy he needs. If the man goes to a therapist then they can help him discover why he feels the way he does - we cannot do that from one short post by a worried mother.

Maybe the therapist will uncover a can of worms. Indeed, you can never know.

But, from the information we have, that seems unlikely. The situation sounds immensely standard and familiar.

"He wants to be alive for us, his parents, but not for himself as he needs to see a point in life."

That does not sounds very standard and formula to me.

All we know is the mother attributes some of his sadness to a lack of acadmeic success. We have no diea if he thinks the same. What we do know is he did not push himself to revise because he saw no reason in life. If he set so much store by academic success he may well have pushed himself.