23 year old son feels life is pointless - I need some help please.

[RomayneAnne]

For the last 4/5 years he has felt that life lacks a reason. He finds it hard to want to better himself and has no motivation for anything. After getting 4 A levels he went to Oxford to read Law. He ended up with a "rubbish" 2.2 because he found it hard to do any revision (for the reason above)and was 1 mark off a 2.1 - which he would have been happy with. After an unhappy year in China teaching English he has now come home with some very negative thoughts about the future. He is unable to do what he wanted to do - fly - because of an eye problem, he failed the medical. He has lots of friends from uni and school and has fun in between times. He wants to be alive for us, his parents, but not for himself as he needs to see a point in life. I don't know how to help other than trying to help him find a job. That's hard because there's "nothing" he wants to do.

A career advisor might do that.
He has been working hard to get good GCSEs, A'levels and into Oxford which puts him in the cream of the country academically. He must have had to work hard to get one mark off the 2.1. Suddenly he has come to the end and he is not where he hoped to be, it is not surprising that he wonders if it was all worthwhile.
My DS got very good GCSEs and A'levels that were respectable enough to get him into a good university, but didn't get the degree that he hoped for. He had the added complication of not knowing what he wanted to do and wishing,on hindsight,that he had done a different subject. The real world is very hard, it doesn't owe you a living and there always seem to be people better qualified than you. He met failure for the first time and it is hard to remain buoyant when everyone else seems to be getting on with new careers and challenges.
Talking to someone outside the family would be a good idea, to give him more perspective.However I don't think therapy is needed-it gives a victim mentality IMO.

very sensible post hatwoman. the reason I was suggesting he work in London was because according to OP pretty all much this lad's friends were there, not because I am London obsessed.

from personal experience - the LPC is mind-numbing boring, and is only useful as a means to the set of end of a professional legal career. It is not academically satisfying. So unless this lad really wants to be a solicitor, there wouldn't be much point doing it on the offchance that it gives him focus.

jimjams - very interesting post about falling into careers - like the friends you describe, I got an oxford law degree, did LPC, then training contract and ended up extremely unhappy, and happy to jack it all in when I had DS.

That wasn't my experience of therapy at all AbbeyA - it just stopped me obsessing about things I had hated in the past and made me focus on the future.

Hatwoman, I like what you said miles ago. But I don't think you should be angry about people giving ideas.

anyway
good luck op and op's boy

I don't have any experience of therapy Anna so I can't really comment. I steer clear because you might find that you have all sorts of problems that you didn't know you had when you walked in! It depends a lot on the therapist-I would want them to be tried and tested with commonsense.

Well, I would suggest that you try to open your mind a little to the concept of therapy .

Some people do indeed uncover a can of worms in the therapist's office. But, more often than not IME, therapy quite on the contrary makes you realise that your problems are quite normal, routine sorts of ones that zillions of people have, that there is no need to be ashamed about your perceived failure to cope with them alone, and enables you to move on safely.

Romayne,
what year did he graduate from oxford? my husband finished in 2005...a couple people from the same year didn't graduate with the marks they wanted and became very depressed. my husband had a break down in his first year but has been ok about it. the friends that had breakdowns after school eventually got over it by finding jobs before attempting graduate schooling. (they are all in London). I know he doesn't need friends because he's got them but i think it's good for you to know that this is very common. maybe if you encourage him to come to London and do things that will increase his confidence in himself like small courses in mandarin at ucl or something...maybe getting an internship somewhere where others will encourage and teach him so he dosent feel like he has to compete?

• ideas are fine stuffitllama - it was more the "this is what he needs" type approach that I think is counter-productive.

and the thing that made me angry was the rejection of your idea re charity/voluntary work (which is, imho a good one). the rejection seemed to be based on the idea that there is something called "mainstream" society to which we must all aspire to belong and which inludes "business" people but somehow not people who do charity or voluntary work or the people you would come into contact with doing such work.

and in general I get annoyed with dismissing this kind of work, like it's something nice and fluffy at the edges that can be a bit of a phase in life (gap-year, something for sahms when the kids are at school, old dears in charity shops) but not "proper" work. From the likes of Irene Khan (Amnesty) to my fil who drives a community bus, it is absoutely integral to our society - and was a good suggestion

Charity and voluntary work are luxuries that only those who already have a viable means of support can afford to do.

The boy in question has already spent a year teaching in China. It is now time for him to build a career. If, once he is on his own two feet financially, he wants to devote time to charitable causes, fine. But he must first understand capitalist society, not opt out straight away.

And I'm supposedly the one wearing blinkers???

Do you have any inkling that different things make different people happy Anna?

Of course, and I also understand economics

I think he should do a Masters degree in Law. This would give him the chance to impriove upon his degree result and buy him a bit of time until he knows what he wants to do. Alternatively, he could try to get work with a firm of solicitors, engratiate himself then apply for the LPC with the promise of a training contract at the end of it. Tell him that I'd trade my 2.1 for a 2.2. at Oxford any day. His experience is not untypical of Oxbridge graduates, who after often being the brightest kids in their school find themselves for the first time surrounded by really smart people. I once read that low self-esteem can be a real problem for their students and have seen this for myself first-hand from friends who are Oxbridge candidates.

anna- if hes 23 then hes hardly a boy, but i do agree that therapy may be a usful starting point, if he can access it. (have no idea of facilities in area he lives in, I just know access isnt universal).

"But he must first understand capitalist society, not opt out straight away.".

But why Anna? He's young, got no family to support, and supportive parents. The ideal time for opting out IMO.

His parents should no longer be supporting him financially (only emotionally) and he needs to start building a life ASAP or he'll wake up and find he's missed the boat.

It is ridiculously self-indulgent to opt out of capitalist society at 23 (not that I think for a moment that the OP thinks her son should). Only spoilt brats do that.

Yeah because right now the world really needs another lawyer

I don't think that choosing not to do law/accountancy/live in London etc is quite opting out of capitalist society or being a spoiled brat. If that's what he wants to do. If he wants to do law/accountancy/live in London then its a great thing to do. Miserable if it isn't.

I agree that too long out can become a problem, but a few weeks/the summer to decide what to do can be a good one. As long as there's a plan and a bit of a timetable and a deadline by which time something productive will be started it can work out well. If it leads to finding something that he really wants to do (capitalist or not) then it's a good start to a happy and productive life.

I don't have any feelings about whether any young person should be a lawyer, accountant or anything else.

What I do think is that every young person should have a profession/skill/trade where he/she adds economic value and can support him/herself within mainstream society. If, later on, someone wants to go and work for a charity - fine. But what on earth can a young person with no practical job skills usefully bring to charity work anyway? Far, far better to get established first - work first, spend later

Romayne, did you have some progress today?

Hattie

charity and voluntary work are luxuries? I'd best tell that to the several hundred people I know who have good interesting careers in charities. careers that pay their (modest) mortgages and bills (just). and help them sleep at night.

and to my fil who was under the impression that he was providing some elderley people with an extremely important service. ok he's retired and draws a pension but he is one among an absolute army of volunteers up and down this country that do essential work that halpe our society tick. don't demean them by saying it's a luxury for the people that do it

This boy sounds like he really needs help to work out who he is and where he is going, rather than to be shoe-horned into something befitting his academic potential.

Have only skimmed thread but it sounds to me as if OP's son needs to do something that benefits someone else for a bit before jumping into law/accountancy/journalism/whatever.

I haven't picked up what, if any, interests he has but DS1 (who is 20 and is going to go to university in Sept 09 - maybe) has just had one fantastic winter season, admittedly on minute wages, as a child care helper in the Alps, which has turned him into an ace skier (he had never been near a ski before he went) and compelled him to go back for one more season next winter, and meanwhile encouraged him to do an Alps summer season in the same role.

When/if he does get to uni he intends to do some summers in US summer camps. He really enjoys working with kids, but also enjoys the social life that goes with the job.

He will probably be at least 24, maybe older, when he graduates, but even then there is loads of time to decide what he finally wants to do with his life and I think the OP's son needs to piddle about a bit in the same way while he looks for a reason in life.

Wow, just read through all of this and feel overwhelmed by the thoughts and ideas from everyone. Thank you so much for all contributions. I will read through again later today - have to go off to work now. (I am a dyslexia specialist and my husband has just left the RN - we have just moved to Cornwall having been twice around the country in our 29 years of marriage!)

Yes, made some progress yesterday. He sounds a bit better. Really wants to concentrate on getting a job and will return to the heavy stuff later. I will definitely encourage him to contact Oxford careers service and to see a dr. He has a friend coming today for a few days so good to have some company his own age. Yes, he has broken off a relationship with lovely girl from Oxford - they were together 18 months before he went to China. Must go - thanks again.

hatwoman - but you are absolutely proving my point. Your FIL can do a voluntary job (as both my parents do, btw, in similar circumstances) because he has an income and a roof over his head and no longer needs to work. The fact that he chooses to put his time and energy towards others is very laudable - but it is a luxury to be able to make that choice.

A young man of 23 shouldn't be put under any pressure to think of anyone but himself and his close family until he is on his financial feet.

sorry Anna but I really can;t agree with you there. firstly re the kind of voluntary work my fil does - it downgrades the role of voluntary work in our society to call it a luxury for the people that do it. it's integral to our society and I think my fil (and many like him) would rightly be offended. spending your free time (of which we all have some) going to the football, gardening, having boozy barbecues - these things are luxuries. spending some of it doing this sort of voluntary work is not.

in many ways though, that is by-the-by and not particularly relevant for this lad - what is more relevant is your incorrect assumption that a person doing voluntary/charity work doesn't benefit from it and/or is precluded from combining it with other things and/or can;t do it whilst supporting himself and building a career/deciding what to do with his life - and therefore that he should not do it/should not be pressured into doing it (though where you got the idea of him being pressured I don;t know - I have specifically said that I don;t think he shouldn;t be pressured, in any direction). I am an Oxford graduate who has a very interesting career in the not-for-profit sector that was started off by complementing paid work with well-chosen skill-building voluntary work. And I know several other people like me. tbh - hundreds - ie virtually all of my colleagues.

you can't lump all voluntary work together or all charity work together or both of them together and make broad sweeping statements like he shouldn;t do it. the terms cover a vast amount of different work including skilled and specialised work that can contribute to a very enjoyable life and longer-term career (if that's your thing). or things that can just help you decide what you want to do. saying categorically that he shouldn't do voluntary/charity work is on a par with saying he shouldn't take a job with an employer that begins with the letter m. I have no idea whather voluntary work/charity work will be a productive route for him, but it can't be categorically dismissed - especially not as a luxury that he can;t afford...If I had not done voluntary work in my 20s chances are I'd now be miserable in a job I hated. tbh, for me, it was an imperative, not remotely a luxury.

with apologies to Romayne for the slightly public-spat in the middle if your thread thing going on. You can probably tell I feel quite passionately about all this . Buried in my response to Anna are reasons why voluntary work can be a good thing - not saying it will be for your ds, just that it can, and shouldn;t be dismissed.