Childhood - neglect *TW*

[SneakyZzzz]

This is historic, but something I would like to share as I feel it deeply damaged me and I feel really quite sad about it.
I am in therapy and lots of stuff is coming up.

I grew up believing I had a 'lovely childhood' . My parents are together, married, I have memories of playing with my siblings and some family moments (seaside days out etc)

BUT and here's the but... I do not remember ANY words of affirmation or any physical touch. Like literally never - neither of my parents EVER gave me a hug or said they loved me.
I find it deeply disturbing now that I am a parent myself... And also really sad that they weren't more emotionally available or able to show warmth and compassion.

I'm sure I'm not the only adult in this situation, but I guess I just feel a bit sad that they were so Victorian and cold..!! ☹️

I've put this in Mental Health as I feel it's had a profound impact on mine and has taken me a long long time to come to terms with the sadness I carried

I feel for you. I had a similar childhood. Perfectly normal and treated well but not much hugging or saying “love you”. It has made me into a very insecure adult.
I feel sad about it too. Oddly enough, they’re more loving now they’re older.

Mine were the same. I remember being a sad, withdrawn dc as a result. It’s very harmful. Thank god we broke the chain though. I can’t imagine treating my dc like that.

It’s something that happened decades ago. Same here. Different times, different parenting styles. Didn’t bother me but I was different with dc. We evolve over time. I don’t see it as helpful to expect modern standards decades ago.

I am glad you broke the cycle OP.

I say this kindly, one can dwell too much.

I had an awful childhood and blaming it (for many years) got me nowhere. Owning it as part of me helped me move to who I wanted to be.

When was this OP? I think it was perfectly normal in the 60s and 70s that parents didn’t tell their children they loved them.

Have you spoken to your siblings at all about this?

My dh had something similar... when he met me it was all I had a happy childhood my.parents are very normal ... I met them and was 😦

I had the same childhood as you. Never cuddled us, read us a bedtime story or told us they loved us, no kisses, no nothing.
I’m talking about me and my brother here. Grew up feeling unloved. Really damaged me. It’s really affected my relationships with potential partners as I never feel worthy and constantly crave love. I’m fallen in love with men that were horrible to me as they showed me a “tiny” bit of affection. I’m in my 50’s now and I know my childhood and the lack of affection has definitely made me the way I am today.
I’m the opposite with my children, always telling them I love them and would never want them to feel as I did.

Parents who grew up in the war years and into the 50's wouldn't have been used to being told they were loved and therefore it wouldn't have occurred to them to say in to their own children; they showed it with their actions instead.

Think about it – no or little TV and what there was didn't show people hugging their kids, no everyday declarations of love in films or books; there was no cultural examples to follow until well into the 1970's.

Mid to late 80s.

And that's the eye opening thing... That I think we are led to believe that it was the norm back in the day, but it's really not!
I have friends who had cuddles, warmth and emotional support/encouragement in their 1970s-1990s childhoods.

Sadly it is the norm in my maternal and paternal families, but yes I am glad I've changed that.

Think I am just struggling lately because more has come up in therapy and realising that my parents are still quite difficult to be around, has been a bit eye opening 😏

Exactly. I wouldn’t call it neglect

I would, because it was.
We got absolutely no guidance or emotional support whatsoever and the impact on my self-esteem was huge.

Even now as an adult I get criticism if I challenge their prejudices or don't conform to what they expect (I mean being told I am dense, useless etc)
I am pretty sure my mother is narcissistic. She can be incredibly cruel and seems to really lack empathy 😵‍💫

That’s your prerogative if it will help you to believe that.

With respect, take a look at a thread about physical punishments back in the fifties and sixties. Many children then were regularly smacked, caned and beaten. They accepted it as part of normal life.

Yes we were smacked with a shoe or a hairbrush across the back of the thighs.

I grew up believing everybody was and was surprised when I learned that wasn't the case!

I'm just glad there's more safeguarding in place now to protect kids from this shit!

Even in the 70s and 80s I think it was normal for children to be smacked and hit by their parents

We were beaten round the head

I think you’re looking at the past with a modern eye.

Yes my friend was too.

But he did get cuddles when things were okay, so it's like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other...!

I'm just proud my children aren't scared of us and that they know I would protect them rather than harm them ☺

Well it could be argued that things have gone too far in the other direction these days as children have no respect for parents or teachers.

1986

Neither of my parents were tactile and I don't remember any verbal confirmation of love or care from them either.

Infact quite the opposite. They were both verbally abusive.

They were also raging alcoholics, desperately unhappy in their marriage and have significant mental health issues. Particularly my mother.

I don't let it decide how I live my life as an adult or how I feel day to day. They aren't worth that much of my energy.

Conversely I am extremely tactile affectionate and verbally loving towards my children.

I think my experience is probably why.

Debatable. I don't think children living in fear means they have respect.

I recall in my teen years feeling like I hated my parents, because they had no respect for me where they'd hit me.

I personally think it's a parents job to model self control and if they can't manage that they can't really grumble about how their children behave.

I think a lot of young people nowadays are amazing and decent, but I don't buy into the media hype that all is bad with the world

There are so many threads on MN with parents despairing at the way their children behave because they have no control over them.

Fear does not = control

My parents tried to subjugate me. It had the opposite effect.

I agree. There is a middle ground between children being scared of their parents and parents being scared of their children.

I had an awful childhood in the 80s. Lots of name calling and beatings. I dont think my parents were capable of showing love to me and my Sister, my DM especially. She hasn't changed over the years either. I had just accepted that this was life but as an adult its affected my mental health quite badly. The last few years with her has made me realise what a nasty, selfish, heartless woman she is and I have very minimal contact. Nothing she says or does surprises me anymore.
I feel sad at the fact I've never had a loving Mum but I've given up expecting anything from her.