Childhood - neglect *TW*

[SneakyZzzz]

This is historic, but something I would like to share as I feel it deeply damaged me and I feel really quite sad about it.
I am in therapy and lots of stuff is coming up.

I grew up believing I had a 'lovely childhood' . My parents are together, married, I have memories of playing with my siblings and some family moments (seaside days out etc)

BUT and here's the but... I do not remember ANY words of affirmation or any physical touch. Like literally never - neither of my parents EVER gave me a hug or said they loved me.
I find it deeply disturbing now that I am a parent myself... And also really sad that they weren't more emotionally available or able to show warmth and compassion.

I'm sure I'm not the only adult in this situation, but I guess I just feel a bit sad that they were so Victorian and cold..!! ☹️

I've put this in Mental Health as I feel it's had a profound impact on mine and has taken me a long long time to come to terms with the sadness I carried

No

I agree with this.

If you want to feel better and move on from it then don’t fall into a victim mindset.

Your life has not been entirely dictated by this, even if it wasn’t a great start.

If you feel they are still damaging for you then go no contact.

That's my whole point though. It seems my life HAS been dictated by this.

It's the reason I ended up in a shitty neglectful relationship - to me 'love' meant being ignored, criticised and walking on egg shells, with occasional moments of joy. So the fact I ended up in a really unhealthy long-term relationship from very early adulthood, speaks volumes - my parents didn't model healthy attachment.

I am not in a victim mindset, I'm just in a place where I feel pretty sad that I gave so much of my time and energy to people that were damaging to me.
My whole life fell apart in my 30s and rather than support me, my parents actions towards my ex have caused me even more hurt and annoyance (they minimise and ignore his abuse)

Kindly OP, you were an adult and will have seen other relationships besides that of your parents.

My parents were both addicts, I’m not. There was a choice in that.

We all make choices in life and those choices are part of who we are. Yes they didn’t support you but they also didn’t force you into that relationship.

You can dwell and blame or move on.

I suggest if they treat you poorly that you go no contact. And seek therapy, as you have, to help in having healthy relationships.

I'm trying not to be too outing with details. But I was not a 'legal uk voting age' adult when I met the person I had a long relationship with.

With hindsight it was codependent from the off and we both came from shitty parents.

I thought I was nearing the end of my therapeutic journey, but loads more stuff keeps coming up and it's been very eye-opening, hence the post.
And scary finding myself single at this age and not really knowing who on earth I am and having to work backwards to connect all the dots... 😄

Sorry you’ve had such a time of it OP but I honestly think it’ll be onwards and upwards for you with the right support. 💐

This is just such bullshit. Famously both animal and infant studies show that mammals need loving attention and kindness, cuddles and snuggles and safety, to develop normally. Look up the “wire monkey mother” experiments and read up on the child suffering in the UK when children were sent away from families. Safe and healthy development has been extensively studied. Lack of touch, safety, security, and kindness is destructive to children’s development even if it is culturally approved or excused by its victims.

Why do it to yourself?
Please say you don’t subject your children to them?

I had a horrific childhood, neglect, SA, emotional and physical. I was very angry about it for a very long time.
My take on it now is that I’ve accepted the damage it’s done to me. I don’t expect to have the same reactions or resilience as someone who has had a normal childhood. It has very much damaged me.
I’m lucky in that I have a loving, supportive husband and I’ve tried my best to be a good mum myself.
I am different though, I can’t keep friends, I can be overly sensitive.
I know Mumsnet hates this phrase but there is something in acknowledging your inner child.
It’s why I went no contact with my parents years ago, I have so much more peace now.

I don’t think it’s the norm but I do think we have to be really careful when we examine our childhood memories and parents as well as children need to be aware of this.

Honestly, I could cherry pick some times and present my parents as abusive monsters. I remember them both getting angry with me over very ‘normal’ childhood stuff; vividly remember my Dad roaring at me and yelling at me when I didn’t understand some school work (I was only little) and my Mum screeching like mad at me for getting muddy outside. I could go on but I won’t.

Having my own children has put this into so much context and I understand now how hard it is and how tiring it is and how something can push you over the edge.

So I also need to mention how my mum did twenty odd miles one evening to ensure my brother and I both got to go to some amazingly important event (slight irony there!) How my dad used to take us for long walks and told us things about the word and politics. How when I got into horses they would get up at 6 ever day to take me to the tables to much my horse out. And paid for it as well (my dad grumbled but he did it because I loved the horse and he loved me I guess 🥰)

And they weren’t perfect. My mum could be really pushy about school and my appearance and made me verrrry weight conscious. My dad could be really embarrassing - I know all dads can but his habit of taking his shirt off ALL the fucking time at the slightest hint of sun was really cringe.

I was very critical of them in my twenties (they died young) as I had my teen hang ups and sort of ‘blamed’ them and honestly there are any number of therapists who’ll tell you you were abused and take your £70 or however much it is. And I’m not saying you weren’t, @SneakyZzzz . Ultimately only you know that. But nothing good comes of reading the last chapter.

I’ve tried hard to be a good parent but I’m far from perfect and I just hope my children know I really love them and understand how hard parenting is when they have their own DCs!

It's emotional neglect...

Yeah, I’m a clairvoyant

I am both a parent and a former child. ITS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD not to terrorize your child.

I had the same OP, my mum never ever cuddled me or told me she loved me but was quick to critisise me, I remember her telling me at 13 that " I always liked the men" I was brushing my fucking hair...
I can't imagine being like that with my DC, I'm always telling my kids how much I love and support them, but I think back and wonder why, her behaviour seems so alien to me

I think when you become a parent yourself, it seems to bring it all to the forefront because you go through each stage of parenthood and the memories of cruel remarks etc resurface and it makes you reflect on what you experienced.. Also how messed up it is to make those critical/cruel comments to a child/teen and you look at your own babies and wonder how a mother can be so spiteful and unkind.

I'm really really proud of the mother I am, my children know they are loved and valued.

I just feel sad currently because of where I am in my theraputic journey and realising my parents can still be so unkind with their words.

The bare minimum really. Rarely do I come away having enjoyed their company.

My children don't have much of a relationship with them, no.

@pikkumyy77 It’s not. It was standard parenting received by many. No I’m not reading woo woo research. Most of us are perfectly fine and we do things differently with our own dc. Harping on about the past drags us down and cannot be changed. Move on and enjoy the present.

I’m sorry OP you are getting so many comments from the “just don’t think about it”, “I coped, you should too” “don’t ever criticise your parents, they did their best” brigade. I, too realised through therapy that I was emotionally neglected too and it’s affected my whole life. I hope with continued therapy you can get to a place where you can hold this and use it for self care to go out into the world.

@SneakyZzzzim sorry that they didn’t give you support, warmth and emotional encouragement because that is part of parenting a well rounded individual and the more subtle things are important. I don’t think being reserved with your emotions is neglect. I think there are plenty of parents through time who have not been tactile but aren’t bad people.

i think it only crosses the line into neglect if they verbally abuse you, belittle and bully/ borderline bully you, which they did by the sound of your later posts. They are difficult to be around because they have been unkind and you can’t trust them. That is poor parenting.

I think if they gave you lots of kisses and cuddles but were also verbally abusive it would still be neglectful parenting.

I was hit as a child.
I still think my childhood was amazing. Being hit was just a punishment for poor behaviour.
People might say it was an abusive childhood as a result, but it really wasn’t.

My mum was very loving but looking back, she wouldn’t show affection in public. I was always surprised when friends parents hugged and kissed them infront of other people. My mum was lovely, but if you tried to hug her in public she’d sort of brush you off 😂