Have I done something bad??

[OCDRuiningMe]

At New Year, I got drunk and have memory loss. This is unusual for me, but I’m not a drinker, so I think that’s why.

I was visiting family for around 2 weeks and was at a party that night. Many people were quite drunk, and no one has said I did anything wrong that night. When I was doing washing once I returned home, I noticed that a pair of my underwear was torn across the front. They were a very old pair and seamless and I have tugged at the other side and can see that they can tear, but my mind has been racing since this happened.

I have no idea how they have torn, but coupled with the memory loss, I feel frightened. This party was just family and then family friends, so a group I felt very safe in.

This could all just be a coincidence, an I do suffer from OCD, but I feel like it’s too strange to be a coincidence.

I know I’ve been silly to drink too much. Please be gentle with me.

Should have mentioned, I am married, but DH wasn’t with me that night.

The underwear basically had a big cut right across the front. Very weird.

Possibly torn by something in the washing machine? I really wouldn't worry, if you'd done something bad I'm sure someone would have made comments by now...

Unless you have other reasons to suspect that your friends and family wouldn’t look out for your interests or would watch you behaving dangerously or recklessly and do or say nothing, I think that the damage being caused by the washing machine or because you did something like clumsily stepping on your underwear as you were removing it when drunk and tugging and ripping it is by far the most likely explanation.

Are you receiving any support with your mental health?

If you were drunk you could have ended up tearing yourself after going to the bathroom - I one managed to rip my knickers because i couldn't get my foot through the hole correctly, and put my toe through the material !!

I asked if you could please be gentle. I know im not thinking rationally as I have OCD which makes me ruminate on unwanted thoughts. I was hoping for some advice and a hand hold. I thought that’s what mumsnet was for?

This Is anxiety and OCD talking, OP. Who knows what happened to the knickers, but it seems very unlikely that it involved sexual activity at a family party, whether consensual or not!

This is your anxiety talking. There’s nothing at all to suggest you were anything other than drunk.

You’ve posted in poster in AIBU, where you want people to tell you if you are BU. Maybe ask for the thread to be moved OP

Yes, and, OP, you appear to be worryingly conflating 'doing something wrong' with possibly having been sexually assaulted. Two very different things, and as there's no evidence whatsoever of either, other than a rip that could have happened in the washing machine, I'd put it down to OCD and a tendency to reumination, and just decide not to drink in future if you're unable to stop till you get to the point of blacking out.

I know I am ruminating badly on this because my mind will spiral all the way to my husband leaving me, me having STDs and HIV. I feel like a complete lunatic writing that, but I haven’t told anyone this and have allowed it to totally spiral out of control.

I'd say you tore your knickers when taking them off. Fragile fabric tears very easily. Stop worrying.

Do you remember where you woke up, was it where you should have woken up? Were you dancing and generally just enjoying the party?

Not AIBU - this is where the robust debates are.

You might want to ask MN to move it to Relationships or Chat. AIBU board never goes gently on anything.

Well! In the middle of the night last night I needed to change my knickers and when I stepped out of my old ones my foot got caught and ripped them! So I'm guessing this is what happened to you!

What do you think could have happened OP?

This is your OCD talking and anxiety. If you’re genuinely concerned then go get an STD test to put your mind at rest.

You probably ripped them going to the toilet when drunk - you would have had very little patience and the usual urge to be careful would have gone out the window. I always used to rip my tights, break my nails (false ones) and ruin my shoe heels (not taking any care whatsoever on cobbles/uneven paving) on drunken nights out.

Ask someone you trust who was there

The overwhelmingly likely answer is that you ripped them putting them on or taking them off.
Or, still possible, they got torn in the washing machine.

The chances of having been assaulted by someone at a family party or having been doing an enthusiastic strip tease standing on a coffee table are just infinitesimal small.

Is there someone who was at the party you can ask "did I do anything awful..."?

Kindly, this isn’t a relationship problem. It’s a mental health problem. Because you don’t have a clear memory, your OCD and anxiety are running away with themselves but you need to reframe the question from “Have I done something bad?” to “How can I stop torturing myself with imaginary theories?” I have several pairs of bikini style knickers where the elastic has ripped away from the rest of the pants as they were getting really old. No one you were with has alluded to you doing anything inappropriate. The only real fact we have is that you have an OCD diagnosis. Do you have any professional support for your anxiety? You need to break this train of thought before it becomes too entrenched.

You poor thing, your anxiety is off the scale. Getting blackout drunk is scary in the aftermath, but I am pretty sure, if you had been assaulted or had sex with someone, there would be fragments of memory around that, and more physical evidence than a torn pair of knickers. See if any other party goers took photos. You will probably see evidence of yourself looking the worse for wear, but nothing else.

What else do you want people to say, though, other than “You’re being irrational” ? You already know that you’re being irrational.

Nothing happened to you at the party. There are a billion ways your knickers could have got torn. It could have happened in the washing machine, for a start, or when you were drunk and getting undressed or going to the loo. It isn’t ’too much of a coincidence’. It’s such a non-issue that it barely even counts as a coincidence, let alone ‘too much’ of one.

Begging other people for reassurance or validation isn’t going to help your OCD. Also, some idiot is bound to come along with some equally irrational “trust yr gut, hun xxx” bullshit that you will then fixate on.

Without wanting to sound crude, you would know if you had sex when you woke up the following morning. Especially if it was rough (to the point of your knickers being ripped).