Have I done something bad??

[OCDRuiningMe]

At New Year, I got drunk and have memory loss. This is unusual for me, but I’m not a drinker, so I think that’s why.

I was visiting family for around 2 weeks and was at a party that night. Many people were quite drunk, and no one has said I did anything wrong that night. When I was doing washing once I returned home, I noticed that a pair of my underwear was torn across the front. They were a very old pair and seamless and I have tugged at the other side and can see that they can tear, but my mind has been racing since this happened.

I have no idea how they have torn, but coupled with the memory loss, I feel frightened. This party was just family and then family friends, so a group I felt very safe in.

This could all just be a coincidence, an I do suffer from OCD, but I feel like it’s too strange to be a coincidence.

I know I’ve been silly to drink too much. Please be gentle with me.

I understand about rumination in the context of OCD, OP. It’s actually a really positive step to say your fears out loud to get things into perspective.

I do NOT think anything bad happened. There are so many reasons underwear can tear.

Is there anyone in the group present you can speak with? Just to say you are worried you had too much to drink and potentially said something embarrassing? If there is, i would ask them but first say to yourself that - when they invariably say you were fine - this draws a line under the worry.

Rumination can create a living Hell. Ive been in your situation (different scenarios) so many times and you end up experiencing the horror in the same way as if it was real. You have not done anything wrong.

if you can’t remember the party, can you speak to friends and family to try and piece together what happened? If people can say they had eyes on you through the night, then that should make you feel better as there won’t be a gap where anything bad could have happened. Do you have gaps in your memory?

Aibu or not some people are just bloody insensitive.

Well done for speaking out about what’s going on in your head.
Do you have prescription meds for OCD. Possibly have a chat with your GP about all these things.

I've torn tights and pants and stuff when wearing fake nails before, usually when pissed.

OP - I have had things tear in the washing machine.

Were you wearing trousers with a zip? Clumsily (due to drink) you could have caught your pants when going to the loo or taking them off at bedtime.

Combination of stuck in zip and long nails?

I hope you are able to deal with this in your mind and return to calmness.

As someone who has experienced severe anxiety and some of the worries you've mentioned, I am offering you a big handhold right now. It's awful, all-consuming, and in the moment, it feels like it will never end - but I promise you the intrusive thought will go.

It's great that you've acknowledged that you're spiralling, as hopefully it will help you realize that this is your anxiety talking and not a reason to be genuinely concerned. I'd strongly advise organizing a chat with your doctor/therapist to get some ongoing support that will make these kind of situations easier for you.

I would also have a moment of wondering this OP but I think that's not at all enough evidence so would not worry. I think if that's the only sign, it's unlikely something happened.

Maybe not so much insensitive but not understanding why someone who knows they have OCD gets pissed and then exposes themselves on Mumsnet AIBU.

Hello there @OCDRuiningMe - we've moved your thread over to Mental health as posters there may have more specific advice and experience of OCD. Best wishes.

sometimes when I'm spiraling over something that later is clearly not worth the anguish I put myself through I force myself to think of the worst possibility. So in your case the worst is-
1-you have VD
2-your H finds out and leaves you
3-your job finds out and fires you
4-your entire circle of family and friends find out and all abandon you

so then I make myself answer each possible calamity

1-I get medical help for VD
2-I get through the divorce
3-I find another job
4-I learn to rely on myself and how shallow my circle was to cast me aside for something I may have done while very very drunk

So-in the end you will survive this even if the very worst happens. It will make you stronger ultimately.

However you really should get a bit of therapy to help you prevent these imaginary disasters, its so draining to live this way and think how much happier you'd be if you had the energy you waste on these intrusive thoughts to use for productive things. 💝

Lastly if you feel you may be drinking too much its probably time to consider stopping drinking.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's likely a coincidence, especially since it was a safe family event. You're being hard on yourself, but it's okay to make mistakes. Be kind to yourself.

Are there any dogs about? I’ve had a dog rip my knickers

washing machine has ripped a couple of my knickers too

who was at the party and what do you remember?