DH just really upset me

[BlankieBox]

I've had MH issues my whole life (childhood trauma) and have recently been diagnosed ADHD & autism.

I took the outside Xmas decorations down but the round the door decorations DH told me to leave as he didnt know what he was doing with them. They are 2m tall doorway wreath things.

So its been over a week now since he said that and they annoy me everytime I see them.

Im due my period, i feel like shite. I just made midweek roast dinner and was doing the kitchen whilst he lay on the couch and I just felt so mad and went to the front door and just pulled them down.

DH came out and was shocked and confused and got mad at me for doing it. I know it was stupid and immature.

He said 'why did you go from doing the kitchen to thinking about that? Just pulling them down?"

I said maybe because i have ADHD?

And he said 'oh here we go, so now everythings about you having that? Sometimes its simply because youre a fucking idiot"

I feel so upset. Our kids are ADHD/autistic. And he would never say that about them.

Its like he think MY diagnosis are just pretend/excuses.

Was it because you have ADHD? Or because you were rushing around whilst he rested?

Depends really doesn't it

It's going to grate on people if someone says 'oh it's because of my ADHD' for their shortcomings each time like it's an excuse

And people do cut their children more slack than their partner

Not to dismiss your diagnosis, and he definitely shouldn’t call you an idiot, but from how you describe it, it doesn’t sound like this was about ADHD or the Christmas decoration, but you took it down because you were mad at him?

Yeah if my partner blamed all grumpy behaviour on ADHD I'd be pissed off too.

So it’s the 14th January and he still hasn’t taken down the decorations, the ones he said he would see to.

I’m not surprised you’re irritated by his laziness. He’s gas lighting you, as he’s blaming you for his own bad behaviour.

You have had ADHD all the time though - so presumably this kind of spontaneous action isn't new to you.
So how did you handle it before?

In all fairness he is usually really good.

He was saying how can you be in the middle of one thing and just start another and its a classic ADHD trait and im getting used to the diagnosis myself and learning about it.

It was definitely because I was annoyed too.

I get what you’re saying - potentially re the emotional regulation aspect and impulsivity. It’s not a giant deal in the grand scheme of things in terms of pulling down the Xmas decs. However, you were clearly upset with what your partner was doing/not doing and need to speak to him about that after you’re both calm. And his use of language about you.

You threw a strop. Not because you have ADHD, because you were annoyed.

ADHD is not an excuse for being an arse. Communicate like an adult and people won't dismiss your diagnosis.

Oh don’t be one of those people. Take responsibility, admit you were being stroppy and that’s why you did it, not because of a recently acquired diagnosis.

Im really struggljng at the minute andni dont think anyone understands how much.
Not with ADHD but depression and being overwhelmed with upsetting thoughts.
I know its not the right was to react but sometimes i feel like im going to implode :(

Sounds like he's lazy and you were moody. You're responsible for your actions, ADHD or not. Just as you can blame him for being lazy!

You did a weird thing out of anger. You don’t get to start using ADHD as an excuse every time you have an angry reaction and still be taken seriously.

I say this with a strong understanding of how debilitating Autism and adhd can be.

Gaslighting?
Bad behaviour?

OP got mad and acted like a child.

I wasnt talking about pulling them down.

I was talking about hoing from one task to another without finishing it.

Thats what he was saying. Why did you start worrying about the decorations whilst in the middlenof something else?

Tbh Christmas decorations should be down by the 14th. Sounds like your DH is a bit lazy.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Yes i acted lkke a child.

Ecause i didnt get a childhood due yo cobstant abuse.

I honestly cant do this anymore. I am a mess. My lifes a mess.

It just gets worse every year.

I dont want to be here anymore

Sorry you're having a hard time. ADHD isn't why you angrily pulled down the decorations though, and I'll bet you anything DH wasn't annoyed that you "went from doing one thing to another" but rather that you threw a strop.
Blaming poor behaviour on ADHD isn't a good example to your children with the same diagnosis imo and you're setting yourself up for a world of trouble if you show them they can tear down things around the house and blame it on ADHD...

Youre right

He would be better off with me gone

I see your logic now you've expanded on it but I also think his reaction was valid. It's not appropriate to explain away all your behaviour with ADHD - you still have reasons for doing things. I would be annoyed if someone did something stroppy and then just blamed it on ADHD instead of saying "I was pissed off and lost my temper".

You pulled them down because you were pissed off - own that.

People without ADHD are also capable of reaching a tipping point about something that has been eating away at them - and then snapping and doing something idiotic in the middle of another task.

Do you think you might be having an emotional flashback?

@BlankieBoxgo have a shower, i promise you it helps when your feeling like this.

That's of course not what I said and I'm sorry you seem to be having such a hard time. Can you talk to him about how awful you feel (forget the decorations and the silly argument), and if not, please give a friend a call 💐