DH just really upset me

[BlankieBox]

I've had MH issues my whole life (childhood trauma) and have recently been diagnosed ADHD & autism.

I took the outside Xmas decorations down but the round the door decorations DH told me to leave as he didnt know what he was doing with them. They are 2m tall doorway wreath things.

So its been over a week now since he said that and they annoy me everytime I see them.

Im due my period, i feel like shite. I just made midweek roast dinner and was doing the kitchen whilst he lay on the couch and I just felt so mad and went to the front door and just pulled them down.

DH came out and was shocked and confused and got mad at me for doing it. I know it was stupid and immature.

He said 'why did you go from doing the kitchen to thinking about that? Just pulling them down?"

I said maybe because i have ADHD?

And he said 'oh here we go, so now everythings about you having that? Sometimes its simply because youre a fucking idiot"

I feel so upset. Our kids are ADHD/autistic. And he would never say that about them.

Its like he think MY diagnosis are just pretend/excuses.

Sounds like you could benefit from some counselling or other MH support or you could always phone the samaritans if you don't want to wait.

Do people say you're usually really good when you do adulting?

OP get yourself to the doctors and tell them you are struggling to cope and that your feelings are having a negative effect on your relationships and those around you.

There will come a time when you feel better than you do now. This does not have to be the way you feel forever. I wish you all the help and support you need.

Please take a few minutes. DH and 2DS diagnosed. I know the things they do in anger and frustration look completely different when they are calm, which can take a while.
Will you also speak to your GP. I think some talking therapies may help.

No - going from a preparing a meal to ripping the decorations down in a tantrum is NOT ADHD. Lack of focus and task changing is a little more subtle. Lack of emotional regulation - which throwing a strop is - IS a feature of ADHD, however. But it’s not an excuse, as an adult, to get away with it. I have AuDHD as do both of my kids. If we stropped every 5 mins because we were ticked off about something or with someone and then blamed our diagnosis we’d have killed each other by now.

You have to own your behaviour and apologise. And maybe speak to a GP and counsellor to get some support.

I find adult diagnoses of autism and ADHD just an excuse to explain away/justify poor behaviour

you’d have been better just saying you were having some kind of pre menstrual rage which it could equally just have been that than ADHD

Yeah sorry OP, you can’t blame this on ADHD. It won’t fly if you act in such a way in a workplace.
I don’t think ADHD/ASD is even relevant here. You sound stressed out with life in general and due on. It’s just a bad patch.

Not being funny but it had fuck all to do with your ADHD and everything to do with being pissed off at your DH. From his response I assume now you've got a diagnosis you're using it as an excuse for other shitty behaviour all of a sudden. I get why he was pissed tbh

This is Mumsnet. The DH is always the problem.

@BlankieBox hide this thread. You will always get posters looking to stick the knife in. Of course he upset you speaking to you like that. What a nasty and dismissive thing to say just to defend his own lazy arse from being called out.
It would do my head in too.
Be kind to yourself, you need some time to rest.
you won’t get comfort from mumsnet, get in bed when you can and watch something happy.

Jesus, call me sceptical if you like, but it seems everyone and his (or her) dog has ADHD and/or autism.

This

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I get fedup of hearing sometimes i cant help it i have ADHD or i have SEN.

I heard that there is an over diagnosis of all these SEN and some people dont have.
Like my friend that thinks her child as ADHD all i see is a 3 year old acting like a 3 year old, or her 12 year old she is pushing for autism diagnosis, all i see is a spoilt tween thats never heard the word no.
It like having a green card to act like a twat and get away with it.

Not saying this is all people but there are many out there.

regardless of whether or not the decorations should be down: you have ADHD (so do i) and presumably you went for a diagnosis because you recognise those traits in yourself?

So you know that an absolute classic is hopping from one thing to another. You need to work on that, because although you have probably been doing it for years - you now know why.

What mitigations for the annoyances of ADHD traits are you doing? For me? it is i must finish the big task before i start the next task. If i'm doing one job, and i notice another thing needs doing, i make a note of it and try to come back to it later. etc etc.

One way women are often advised to avoid being called a nag is to not keep reminding your partner about a task they have agreed to do. And not to step in and do it yourself. At least: not without discussion (eg if previously a deadline had been set)

Agree.
if I was cooking tea and my dh was lazing about on the sofa, while great big Christmas decorations donned the front of the house - a job dh had promised to do , well over a week ago , not only would I break off cooking his tea …., he would end up wearing the dec’s

I understand you. I have ADHD and so have poor impulse control. I also feel very compelled to do things as soon as I have the energy to do them as I know the energy will go and whatever the thing is may never get done... that and/or ill completely forget about it.
This often manifests as anger for me when really its anxiety that im not going to be able to keep on top of everything I have to do.
I also get the rage when things need doing and my DH is relaxing. This is due to the reasons I just explained. I cannot do things at a leisurely pace as I'll just end up losing energy or forgetting.

My DH isn't always patient with me but then obviously im not always patient with him.
He would never ever call me a 'fucking idiot' though. He acknowledges that I struggle and I try to take responsibility. But part of taking responsibility is communicating. You can't always help how you end up behaving in the moment.
It sounds like you told him why you did it and then he reacted very badly. Which is shit on his part. Because yes sometimes it is due to your adhd.

Sounds annoying of your DH

Yes the OP’s DH is at fault here.

Well you lost your shit. Adults do do that without having a diagnosis. Adults do also lounge on sofas when jobs they really should have done need doing.

Im not minimising your diagnosis so much as saying sometimes we all do things that are annoying and sometimes we do things because we are just cross.

It sounds to me that tonight in your house was one of those nights.

Take a moment alone to cool your jets. Accept that there was wrongness and you were both wrong and park it.

I have to say the whole ‘I have ADHD’ excuse for just about every single thing is quite tedious and unnecessary, especially in adults.
You threw a strop quite simply, neurotypical or neurodivergent, it was a strop.