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How to start living a happy life?

112 replies

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 20:29

My DP and I are both quite depressed and we are conscious that we are wasting our lives away. We are both working part time in the run up to retirement and fortunate to have good health (apart from being run down physically) and to be financially very comfortable.
He lost a sibling recently (early 60s) which has reemphasised that life is short but we still don’t seem to be able to have fun and make the most of our time.
How do we make some positive changes? Is it best to just concentrate on one day at a time or try to come up with a longer term plan?
Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated

OP posts:
OwlBasket · 27/12/2025 21:57

For the less canny it could be. Not usually for those of overthinking.

you must have seen that here?

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:00

OwlBasket · 27/12/2025 21:57

For the less canny it could be. Not usually for those of overthinking.

you must have seen that here?

Not sure why you think that of me from what I have written?

OP posts:
Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:05

Best advice that helped me:
Do something you've never done before every single day and keep a record of the outcome. Can be tiny - trying a new flavour of fruit tea or walking down a street you don't know. As the habit forms, make it a bit bigger and start to include some of those things you've kept meaning to do or been curious about. (Like visiting local landmarks or trying a new hobby or exercise.) What i like about it is, you don't feel any pressure to commit. It's not 'You did Zumba once and then never went back - oh you lazy failure' mindset. It's 'Yes! You tried Zumba and it wasn't for you. Good for trying it out. What's next?'
Keeping a record of the new experience is important. It's quite fun to read back over it all. You could keep notes in a notebook. I had a private blog. I would read through it sometimes and realise all the things I had done. I think it helps rewire the neural pathways, so you get out of that depressive loop and lethargy. I really should do it again. I did it for six months and it was life changing.

Other advice I loved: make sure each day you have a tiny thing to look forward to (favourite TV show, long hot bath, home cooked food, feeding the birds etc); each week a small thing to look forward to: coffee/lunch/walk with a friend; craft or exercise class, cinema visit with partner etc; each month a medium thing to look forward to - a weekend away or fun day out, a trip to the theatre, comedy gig, concert or an exhibition; each season a big thing to look forward to - a holiday, a festival, a workshop in something really important to you, a visit to old friends, a fitness challenge like a really long hike; and each year, an action that feels like a major achievement - it could be passing an exam, training for a marathon, losing weight, getting married, seeing DC graduate, moving house, redcorating your home or overhauling the garden, writing a book, putting on an exhibition or performing in a concert etc - something that you can look back on with pride, or something that has been a long-held bucket list - like finally visiting somewhere you have wanted to go to since childhood.

Also - create tiny rituals that make ordinary days pleasant. Mine are: feed the wildlife every morning then make a fresh coffee with frothy milk and watch them come and eat. I often put on very gentle piano music while doing this. It is such a peaceful start to the day. And put on uplifting music that you really love - maybe from when you were in your twenties (or maybe new artists you have listened to as part of your try something new experiment) while cooking fresh food for dinner every night. I get 30 minutes of lovely music every evening.

And the basic, classic advice: take Vitamin D and B-complex supplements every day if you have low mood. Maybe iron too if you get tired and lethargic easily.
Take regular exercise and try to ensure some of it is outside everyday, preferably in nature, even if it's just a park or recreation ground. Put down your phone, get off screens, and read books made of paper - poems, essays and short stories if your concentration is bad. Or go for a short walk after dinner with your partner. just around the block to look at the moon and stars and have a quiet chat.

Ohpleeeease · 27/12/2025 22:08

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 21:42

I was wondering if it was withdrawal symptoms but my psychiatrist says it is the depression. I don’t want to be dependent on them.

It is almost certainly withdrawal. I have first hand experience supporting someone through a very badly managed withdrawal from ADs. I have to say one of the least helpful clinicians involved was the psychiatrist, because they’re so wedded to solving things with drugs.

If you’re really struggling mentally I cannot recommend Mindline highly enough. If what you want is someone to just listen and make sympathetic noises without judgement they are brilliant.

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:09

Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:05

Best advice that helped me:
Do something you've never done before every single day and keep a record of the outcome. Can be tiny - trying a new flavour of fruit tea or walking down a street you don't know. As the habit forms, make it a bit bigger and start to include some of those things you've kept meaning to do or been curious about. (Like visiting local landmarks or trying a new hobby or exercise.) What i like about it is, you don't feel any pressure to commit. It's not 'You did Zumba once and then never went back - oh you lazy failure' mindset. It's 'Yes! You tried Zumba and it wasn't for you. Good for trying it out. What's next?'
Keeping a record of the new experience is important. It's quite fun to read back over it all. You could keep notes in a notebook. I had a private blog. I would read through it sometimes and realise all the things I had done. I think it helps rewire the neural pathways, so you get out of that depressive loop and lethargy. I really should do it again. I did it for six months and it was life changing.

Other advice I loved: make sure each day you have a tiny thing to look forward to (favourite TV show, long hot bath, home cooked food, feeding the birds etc); each week a small thing to look forward to: coffee/lunch/walk with a friend; craft or exercise class, cinema visit with partner etc; each month a medium thing to look forward to - a weekend away or fun day out, a trip to the theatre, comedy gig, concert or an exhibition; each season a big thing to look forward to - a holiday, a festival, a workshop in something really important to you, a visit to old friends, a fitness challenge like a really long hike; and each year, an action that feels like a major achievement - it could be passing an exam, training for a marathon, losing weight, getting married, seeing DC graduate, moving house, redcorating your home or overhauling the garden, writing a book, putting on an exhibition or performing in a concert etc - something that you can look back on with pride, or something that has been a long-held bucket list - like finally visiting somewhere you have wanted to go to since childhood.

Also - create tiny rituals that make ordinary days pleasant. Mine are: feed the wildlife every morning then make a fresh coffee with frothy milk and watch them come and eat. I often put on very gentle piano music while doing this. It is such a peaceful start to the day. And put on uplifting music that you really love - maybe from when you were in your twenties (or maybe new artists you have listened to as part of your try something new experiment) while cooking fresh food for dinner every night. I get 30 minutes of lovely music every evening.

And the basic, classic advice: take Vitamin D and B-complex supplements every day if you have low mood. Maybe iron too if you get tired and lethargic easily.
Take regular exercise and try to ensure some of it is outside everyday, preferably in nature, even if it's just a park or recreation ground. Put down your phone, get off screens, and read books made of paper - poems, essays and short stories if your concentration is bad. Or go for a short walk after dinner with your partner. just around the block to look at the moon and stars and have a quiet chat.

Thank you, that sounds really helpful

OP posts:
Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:11

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 21:36

Yes, I’ve weaned myself off my AD and struggling to deal with feelings of despair.

That is how I felt when i started that 'do something new every day' experiment. Total flatness and despair, as I was weaning off ADs. It really was a massive help to me. It was ages ago, but I am sure I read somewhere that it rewires you neurally and it did seem to for me. I have not suffered from depression since, and I did for years. Occasionally I can feel it descending on me, and I just do something new. It may be worth a try. There are long lists online you can get for inspiration - soem of them are really silly. Some of them are intended to help you overcome fear and self consciousness. I did a few things I really felt silly doing but overall, it was so worth it.

GarlicRound · 27/12/2025 22:13

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 21:55

I’m interested in what has worked for others on MN so what’s wrong with asking that?

OK ... What's worked for me is antidepressants and psychotherapy.

I have severe clinical depression and many objectively sound reasons to be depressed. I handle the second part using simple tools I learned in therapy.

Of course, if your depression's so extra special that it cannot be treated using bog-standard meds and therapy, my offering's of no use to you.

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:14

Ohpleeeease · 27/12/2025 22:08

It is almost certainly withdrawal. I have first hand experience supporting someone through a very badly managed withdrawal from ADs. I have to say one of the least helpful clinicians involved was the psychiatrist, because they’re so wedded to solving things with drugs.

If you’re really struggling mentally I cannot recommend Mindline highly enough. If what you want is someone to just listen and make sympathetic noises without judgement they are brilliant.

Psychiatrists definitely do downplay the severity of AD withdrawal which I guess is understandable as they are so ken to push medication.
Thanks for the suggestions of Mindline. It would be so helpful to be able to discuss my suicidal thoughts without the risk
of it triggering any action from
MH professionals

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 27/12/2025 22:15

Think about what makes you happy. Put some plans in place. If you are depressed but have good health, just work part time and no money worries what obstacles are in your way to being happier? Is it boredom, poor relationships, lack of motivation, burnout?? Or is retirement concerning you? It can be a drastic change. I took up a new hobby when I retired, joined new groups and made new friends. DH spends more time on his existing hobbies. We both travel more and value our family and friends so consider ourselves lucky.

Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:15

Btw @Yoloinpractice, I titrated off ADs way way more slowly than medics advise you to. If you come off too quickly, you feel low again. I got a pill cutter and went from one dose a day to 3/4 dose one day, full dose next day for a week, then 3/4 each day, then 3/4 one day, 1/2 the next day and so on, until I was taking 1/4 of a pill every other day, then every three days and then stopped. It really prevented mood dip. It's much better to listen to what actually works for other people on the same medication as you than to believe the medics who have never actually taken it.

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:16

Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:11

That is how I felt when i started that 'do something new every day' experiment. Total flatness and despair, as I was weaning off ADs. It really was a massive help to me. It was ages ago, but I am sure I read somewhere that it rewires you neurally and it did seem to for me. I have not suffered from depression since, and I did for years. Occasionally I can feel it descending on me, and I just do something new. It may be worth a try. There are long lists online you can get for inspiration - soem of them are really silly. Some of them are intended to help you overcome fear and self consciousness. I did a few things I really felt silly doing but overall, it was so worth it.

Thanks for sharing that, it does give me some hope for positive change

OP posts:
OwlBasket · 27/12/2025 22:16

Ok, i’ll play. Follow PP’s advice. Get a nice gratitude diary too, they are genuinely very helpful to many, many people

None of this will help if you go around pretending not to be canny

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:17

GarlicRound · 27/12/2025 22:13

OK ... What's worked for me is antidepressants and psychotherapy.

I have severe clinical depression and many objectively sound reasons to be depressed. I handle the second part using simple tools I learned in therapy.

Of course, if your depression's so extra special that it cannot be treated using bog-standard meds and therapy, my offering's of no use to you.

No need to be spiteful

OP posts:
Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:20

OwlBasket · 27/12/2025 22:16

Ok, i’ll play. Follow PP’s advice. Get a nice gratitude diary too, they are genuinely very helpful to many, many people

None of this will help if you go around pretending not to be canny

You’ve confused me. What makes you say that I go around pretending not to be canny?

OP posts:
OwlBasket · 27/12/2025 22:20

This is the one I was recommended

proper therapy is better but it might not be depression even if it seems like it. You need to trial and error. It takes patience. It turned out to have asd as well as ptsd and depression. Needed a slightly different combination medication than we’d have sound if I’d have dumped the real work

OwlBasket · 27/12/2025 22:20

💕🙏🏻

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/12/2025 22:24

I deserve to suffer

my therapist hates me so I’ve stopped that now. I am quite an unlikeable character. My psychiatrist is fed up with me too and I can’t blame him really

We aren't born believing we deserve to suffer or that we are unlikeable, they are the opinions of others that have stuck. Who did that to you?

Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:29

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:16

Thanks for sharing that, it does give me some hope for positive change

I wonder if part of it is simply that it gives you a really tiny and achievable mission each day, even if your motivation is non existent, it is possible to click 'play' on a youtube song you've never heard before, or to make something slightly different to eat. And keeping a record of it helps you learn what you enjoy, or what gives you results. And it really helps you see progress. Week one, I was just washing in a different scent of cheap shower gel or walking round a cul-de-sac I had no reason to go visit. By a few months in, I had learned new skills, got a new job, things which at the start of the year seemed impossible because I'd been either depressed or comatose on medication for so long.

GarlicRound · 27/12/2025 22:31

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:17

No need to be spiteful

To your credit, you have been engaging more constructively with comments after the post I quoted.

At that point, you were all "ADs are evil and/or ineffective, I had this specific kind of therapy and it didn't work, everything is pointless".

For what it's worth, I do nearly everything PPs have recommended. I learned about them in therapy. Just 'psychotherapy', not a single discipline.

I'm sure Psychodynamics work for some people, but it seems fairly wanky to me and I don't understand why someone would choose it specifically. One of mine gave it a try and I just ended up making fun of it (he wasn't that great a therapist, to be fair - and he'd never have got an acting job!)

The short answer to your question is "Look on the bright side of life". This one simple thing is inaccessible to the depressed mind, which is why you need explanation and encouragement.

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:34

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/12/2025 22:24

I deserve to suffer

my therapist hates me so I’ve stopped that now. I am quite an unlikeable character. My psychiatrist is fed up with me too and I can’t blame him really

We aren't born believing we deserve to suffer or that we are unlikeable, they are the opinions of others that have stuck. Who did that to you?

Mother and siblings originally but I’ve had decades of evidence from others since then to back up the facts

OP posts:
StasisMom · 27/12/2025 22:39

Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:05

Best advice that helped me:
Do something you've never done before every single day and keep a record of the outcome. Can be tiny - trying a new flavour of fruit tea or walking down a street you don't know. As the habit forms, make it a bit bigger and start to include some of those things you've kept meaning to do or been curious about. (Like visiting local landmarks or trying a new hobby or exercise.) What i like about it is, you don't feel any pressure to commit. It's not 'You did Zumba once and then never went back - oh you lazy failure' mindset. It's 'Yes! You tried Zumba and it wasn't for you. Good for trying it out. What's next?'
Keeping a record of the new experience is important. It's quite fun to read back over it all. You could keep notes in a notebook. I had a private blog. I would read through it sometimes and realise all the things I had done. I think it helps rewire the neural pathways, so you get out of that depressive loop and lethargy. I really should do it again. I did it for six months and it was life changing.

Other advice I loved: make sure each day you have a tiny thing to look forward to (favourite TV show, long hot bath, home cooked food, feeding the birds etc); each week a small thing to look forward to: coffee/lunch/walk with a friend; craft or exercise class, cinema visit with partner etc; each month a medium thing to look forward to - a weekend away or fun day out, a trip to the theatre, comedy gig, concert or an exhibition; each season a big thing to look forward to - a holiday, a festival, a workshop in something really important to you, a visit to old friends, a fitness challenge like a really long hike; and each year, an action that feels like a major achievement - it could be passing an exam, training for a marathon, losing weight, getting married, seeing DC graduate, moving house, redcorating your home or overhauling the garden, writing a book, putting on an exhibition or performing in a concert etc - something that you can look back on with pride, or something that has been a long-held bucket list - like finally visiting somewhere you have wanted to go to since childhood.

Also - create tiny rituals that make ordinary days pleasant. Mine are: feed the wildlife every morning then make a fresh coffee with frothy milk and watch them come and eat. I often put on very gentle piano music while doing this. It is such a peaceful start to the day. And put on uplifting music that you really love - maybe from when you were in your twenties (or maybe new artists you have listened to as part of your try something new experiment) while cooking fresh food for dinner every night. I get 30 minutes of lovely music every evening.

And the basic, classic advice: take Vitamin D and B-complex supplements every day if you have low mood. Maybe iron too if you get tired and lethargic easily.
Take regular exercise and try to ensure some of it is outside everyday, preferably in nature, even if it's just a park or recreation ground. Put down your phone, get off screens, and read books made of paper - poems, essays and short stories if your concentration is bad. Or go for a short walk after dinner with your partner. just around the block to look at the moon and stars and have a quiet chat.

Thank you, this looks like excellent advice and I’ve screenshotted it to have a proper read tomorrow.

Hauntedbyhazel · 27/12/2025 22:46

Jugendstiel · 27/12/2025 22:05

Best advice that helped me:
Do something you've never done before every single day and keep a record of the outcome. Can be tiny - trying a new flavour of fruit tea or walking down a street you don't know. As the habit forms, make it a bit bigger and start to include some of those things you've kept meaning to do or been curious about. (Like visiting local landmarks or trying a new hobby or exercise.) What i like about it is, you don't feel any pressure to commit. It's not 'You did Zumba once and then never went back - oh you lazy failure' mindset. It's 'Yes! You tried Zumba and it wasn't for you. Good for trying it out. What's next?'
Keeping a record of the new experience is important. It's quite fun to read back over it all. You could keep notes in a notebook. I had a private blog. I would read through it sometimes and realise all the things I had done. I think it helps rewire the neural pathways, so you get out of that depressive loop and lethargy. I really should do it again. I did it for six months and it was life changing.

Other advice I loved: make sure each day you have a tiny thing to look forward to (favourite TV show, long hot bath, home cooked food, feeding the birds etc); each week a small thing to look forward to: coffee/lunch/walk with a friend; craft or exercise class, cinema visit with partner etc; each month a medium thing to look forward to - a weekend away or fun day out, a trip to the theatre, comedy gig, concert or an exhibition; each season a big thing to look forward to - a holiday, a festival, a workshop in something really important to you, a visit to old friends, a fitness challenge like a really long hike; and each year, an action that feels like a major achievement - it could be passing an exam, training for a marathon, losing weight, getting married, seeing DC graduate, moving house, redcorating your home or overhauling the garden, writing a book, putting on an exhibition or performing in a concert etc - something that you can look back on with pride, or something that has been a long-held bucket list - like finally visiting somewhere you have wanted to go to since childhood.

Also - create tiny rituals that make ordinary days pleasant. Mine are: feed the wildlife every morning then make a fresh coffee with frothy milk and watch them come and eat. I often put on very gentle piano music while doing this. It is such a peaceful start to the day. And put on uplifting music that you really love - maybe from when you were in your twenties (or maybe new artists you have listened to as part of your try something new experiment) while cooking fresh food for dinner every night. I get 30 minutes of lovely music every evening.

And the basic, classic advice: take Vitamin D and B-complex supplements every day if you have low mood. Maybe iron too if you get tired and lethargic easily.
Take regular exercise and try to ensure some of it is outside everyday, preferably in nature, even if it's just a park or recreation ground. Put down your phone, get off screens, and read books made of paper - poems, essays and short stories if your concentration is bad. Or go for a short walk after dinner with your partner. just around the block to look at the moon and stars and have a quiet chat.

What a great post. Such a lot of brilliant suggestions!

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/12/2025 23:16

Yoloinpractice · 27/12/2025 22:34

Mother and siblings originally but I’ve had decades of evidence from others since then to back up the facts

Opinions are subjective, not objective. Ask your DP and look up Core Beliefs to better understand how your view of yourself was influenced by your mother and your siblings.

Slippersandrum · 27/12/2025 23:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Gribouille · 28/12/2025 03:48

Adding to the thanks to @Jugendstiel for that terrific post - you've clearly inspired a lot of people, and I hope the OP too! 😄