Has anyone found a way to become strong and assertive

[Merseymum1980]

I really struggle with boundaries, beimg assertive and being overly empathetic.
Its held me back all my life,its really caused my family worry and heart ache.
Im such a soft touch. On here ive been called wet.
I get so frustrated with myself, its kept me im bad relationships and friendships.
I keep trying to change my nature as its ruining my life and by affect has touched on ds life.
My childhood i was put down hit and screamed at daily by my parents, they used to drink heavily leaving my siblings and i frightened. My siblings have become such strong successful people and im a quivering wreck loser that over worries.
I know that im draining emotionally to friends
For context ive had counselling, hypnotherapy and cbt to no avail.
Can anyone share how they combatted this and stopped living in fear.

As in medication, counselling

I’m similar, op. I thunk it’s just who I am. Overly concerned about hurting other people’s feelings, when they are often not nice to me!
Don’t beat yourself up over it. Hopefully someone can come in and teach us about boundaries.

I would say that what you need is mentoring rather than mental health support.

You need to understand sophisticated etiquette, social games and subtle manipulating behaviour from others.

Reading. ‘The courage to be disliked’ for example can be a life changing book.
Also loving-kindness (to self) meditation.

And space documentaries are great for putting things in perspective.

These two videos may well help you;

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Edited to add – they both relate to negative core beliefs and how to overcome them.

The links dont seem to work x

Yes do you have any suggestions please

practise saying no. If you get a group of friends together and sit round and the only answer to a question is no, it is mind blowing and makes you go through the uncomfortable, at first, sensation of rejecting a suggestion, request, entreaty.
Then you begin to live with the unease and can deploy no without caveats, without guilt and immovably.
It’s a really simple brain trick that helped me massively - when I did it, it was facilitated but I have done it since with friends to explain the process.

Read a 20 year old etiquette book.

Learn to take the sting of being insulted.

People who trample all over your boundaries will often do DARVO (Deny attack reverse victim and offender) on you.

I will link a youtube short in a bit about how manipulating people behave.

Look on Youtube for Negative Core Belief Schema & Toxic Shame: Part 1 and Part 2, both by Lana Seiler.

Id really appreciate that

Punching up gives the best confidence, the bigger the bully the better.

Do not go around looking to fight bullies next week BTW, just take your time and only when they pish boundaries.

Keep laughing, bullies hate laughter.

https://youtube.com/shorts/HQgEpbM6uBE?si=caGQO0BWQJTQCIwq

Yes. The menopause. I truly have zero fucks left to give

Lose the negative self language for a start eg calling yourself a loser. Using terms like that does nothing to help how you feel. You are not a loser. Practice using non- judgemental language about yourself.
Look into self compassion practices.

This made me giggle

Thank you

That was an interesting video

Just bumping this and going to watch a video on darvo

Watched the darvo video. Im going to try find the cire beliefs

Fake it til you make it - a cliché, but this is one of those areas where active practice is the only way to experience something like the actual thing you're striving for. Start small and low risk, for example, next time someone barges into you, grit your teeth and don't apologise. Notice how it feels,even if initially uncomfortable. Next, maybe turn down something, an invitation or an unwanted drink, a simple "no thanks" with no explanation. And so on.

The menopause. Truly every fuck evaporated.

This is probably true!
I dither do much about sending emails at work sometimes and lately I’ve just thought “Ah fuck it” - who cares at the end of the day. I’m not going to be here in 10 years time!

The Peri. I couldn't give a flying f* anymore, after a lifetime of loyalty and looking for best in people. Dont have time for that sh** anymore.

What suprised me the most (after calling out a friend out recently who has all the hallmark of the narcissist, in front of the whole WhatsApp group) is the realisation that I really don't care what others think and that I actually feel quite comfortable being disliked. Ha!

On a more practical side OP, Stoicism might help, maybe even taking up contact sport, starting a new hobby. Good luck 😃💪

I couldn't care less what others think of me. Those hormones made us so easy to manipulate.

Il look into stoicism as i dont know what it means x