Has anyone found a way to become strong and assertive

[Merseymum1980]

I really struggle with boundaries, beimg assertive and being overly empathetic.
Its held me back all my life,its really caused my family worry and heart ache.
Im such a soft touch. On here ive been called wet.
I get so frustrated with myself, its kept me im bad relationships and friendships.
I keep trying to change my nature as its ruining my life and by affect has touched on ds life.
My childhood i was put down hit and screamed at daily by my parents, they used to drink heavily leaving my siblings and i frightened. My siblings have become such strong successful people and im a quivering wreck loser that over worries.
I know that im draining emotionally to friends
For context ive had counselling, hypnotherapy and cbt to no avail.
Can anyone share how they combatted this and stopped living in fear.

Yes

A lot of ground work had to go into it first. Anti depressants, being diagnosed with ADHD and working my arse off to build strategies and a lifestyle that works with, not against that, HRT, broken thyroid meds.

And then I had sistemic coaching with a specific Coach I knew well enough to trust.

That coaching was the “on” switch.

I’m assertive not aggressive.
I have and hold boundaries.
I do not take on the emotional burden of others, while still being able to empathise and be sympathies, within reason.

I did not have particularly high hopes for the coaching because I honestly thought it was a bit of a lost cause and being not that far off 60 I was quite “old dog, no new tricks possible”.

I was wrong. She was amazing and I’m not the most trusting of souls so appreciated not having to go over all the gory details of how I turned into who I was, in order to be who I was always supposed to be, had things been different.

Ive never thought about a coach

I hadn’t thought of it either. Just knew there is no way I’d relax and trust a therapist.

Met my coach in an online group setting for managing ADHD. Clicked with her, looked her up, and discovered the whole range of issues she was more than qualified to help somebody manage and recompose.

Easily the best money I’ve ever spent on myself and much cheaper (not to mention quicker) than a therapist.

I’m really not a candidate for talk therapy or somebody waiting until I work the answers out for myself. I need action, tangible results and no requirement to pick at the scab of my childhood.

Another thing I did was I wanted to understand how influencers were manipulating us.

I didn't want to spend money on a course, so followed lots of them online. With the freebies they gave away I learned and kept telling my children about it.

Basically they will identify a pain point in people's lives - problem

They will manipulate you (remember that youtube short I linked, she was a PR expert prior to children and her husband is one) with emotions - reaction

Whatever it is they are trying to sell, item, idea, service -solution

In life there are problems that need solutions. What you have to be suspicious of are fans who have been taken in and want company or if that really is a problem or solution you need.

I literally came on here to say fake it till you make it. And once you've done it once and you realise the world hasn't ended, it gets easier

I'm a recovering people pleaser. Even now to this day, internally I want to people please and I have to be really strong in not doing so. And I'm always so proud of myself

People who push boundaries don't give a shit about how we feel. They just want to control and dominate.

I'll never ever forget finally standing up to my sister, I was really polite and calm ( this was I front of our whole family) my sister got anger and angrier, started saying I was clearly angry ( I really wasn't, I actually ended up laughing at how bizarre her reaction was )

I've had so many "friends" in the past use me for childcare 🤦‍♀️( I've been single for 8 years with 2 disabled dc! )

When I finally started putting in boundaries one of my friends asked me to babysit her children whilst she worked and I felt so uncomfortable saying no but I knew I'd end up being resentful and told her so. She was angry eith me but then I felt angry at her for even putting me in that position

Practise makes perfect op. And we don't have to be rude ( not saying you would ) but a simple, that doesn't work for me sorry, no thanks ect

The world won't end but you will feel so much better and it does get easier each time x

The good bit about this is that cross you carried whilst they dragged theirs behind them and tried to shove theirs onto of yours too, sent them to hell and you to heaven.

They want to drag you to hell with resentment and you laugh at them instead. You will have a great heavenly rest of your life and they will be in hell forever looking to make mugs out of others.

I found that menopause did it for me. I take zero crap from people now and I was always a shocking people-pleaser and tried to keep the peace for similar reasons to you, OP.

Menopause has been liberating and eye-opening.

It's very telling to me that my sister has had several friends and family members go NC with her due to her demands and unreasonable behaviour and the friend who got angry with me for not wanting to babysit ( for free BTW 😅 ) has also had several friends and family members go NC with her too ( I'm also NC with them both now too 😅 )

Very limited interactions are good for both of you, she may join you as a result and stop locking herself and others in hell soon.

Thank you for people sharing there ideas. I think im starting peri which could be why im starting to get drained with it

I was going to say this.

Plus, work on understanding that most people can hear a refusal without being upset by it. I can remember being surprised to discover people wouldn’t think I was dreadful, or be cross with me, because I couldn’t or wouldn’t do something.

I always consider what’s in it for them at my expense then assertively use the single word “No”. One shouted at me and complained I’d made her life difficult (a user who wouldn’t look after her children), one refused point blank to host but wouldn’t stop inviting herself and her whole family to visit, another sarcastically asked if I’d thought of going on an assertiveness training course. I don’t care who they are, this is my life and I’m not here to be used. Think no more of your refusal and put yourself first OP. It’s not your problem if they don’t respect you enough to sense your reasonable boundaries.

How often do you want to say no?

What helped me was leaning in to who I was by volunteering (gardening project with adults with addiction and mental health concerns) It has filled my need to really care which has meant I can care a less in other areas.

You can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. If you need to care, find an outlet where doing so makes sense and you’ll feel more able to care less in the areas of your life where you need to be firmer.

Its just taken over my life. I stayed with horrible exes for too long, stayed in a contract which cost my business money to suit a friend.
Done things with family that i didnt have the time for.
Allowed a toxic family member to interfere and trouble cause, when approached about it she gas light me and i let it go.
Allowed customers to take advantage
Now a friend wants me to get involved in a business contract that doesnt work for me.
Not saying no to school pta etc.
I could go on and on

Good advice.

Remember those that need to exploit are prowling for more victims constantly, so they will travel more, so will be busy people with people, overly social, they will be out locally more, more likely to be in a city or move country.

I am glad I didn't run a business for an ex. He found the next woman to run a business that he claimed was his. I know she will have done all the work and it failed because of what little input he will have had will have ensured that outcome.

Wasted resources and he will blame her for why it failed. I have no sympathy for her, unlike me she knew what she was taking on.

No the business is my own x

This is really good advice

Thank you for creating this thread, OP. I have always struggled with this too.

Someone was talking about successful companies of England in the past and said that they stopped trading with some and built a little group themselves because they knew only each other were trustworthy. They stick to Christian companies and I lament that Cadbury (one of them) sold out, as standards dropped when they did.

I had a watershed moment when I realised that people who were doing less than me, putting themselves first were more respected and given more praise and recognition for the littlest thing and I was always inconveniencing myself and later my family for their sake (mainly talking about work and friends) so it made me angry how I let myself be a door mat.

I might have been rude initially as I found my feet with assertivemess but I think people knew i'd had every right to be angry by then.

I set out what my values in life were and what my I want my own code of conduct to he, I decided what topics or issues were hardline no go's. I then realised that I actually respect it more if people were upfront about what they will and wont do, it's better than doing them and suffering so it was a good lesson that I needed. Nothing is for free, i got tired of doing more to be liked, those who like you will like you no matter what and certainly won't dislike you for saying no to a boundary.

Someone herr also recommended the book (a woman in your own right) which was very grounding it was the mentor i needed.

So you can be kind but you have a duty to protect yourself and interest and when there is a conflict you need to think about your values and whether the person or the thing genuinely deserve bending for them and that becomes easier to ascertain if in advance you sit with yourself and review examples of where people pushed and how in hindsight you would have liked to behaved and if you get stuck, google the issue as i guarantee someone has mentioned it online somewhere and you might benefit from the advice they got.

So to recap:

1. Decide your boundaries
2. Decide your values in life and dealing with others
3. Think of past situations and how you'd tackle them differently in the future, writing helps me here.
4. Remember people pleasing doesn't work, if they like you they will like you anyway

And lastly, forgive yourself..when you know better, you do better.

Why do you want the good regards of a fake using, cruel manipulator anyway? Who cares what they think of you and if they like you? Do you actually like them?

You have a cross to carry in life as do others. I don't have much regard for those who are capable that want to throw their cross intop of mine, I admire those that offer to help others carry their cross who are struggling though.

There aren't necessarily magic wands and different things work for different people. However, ponder the following.

1. The Three Second Pause. This isn't 'hold your tongue', it is let something sink in and respond after a little thought. You might not give the response you would have given. It also slows down and can throw the other a bit.
2. The Conditional No. It is good to say 'No' and you must be prepared to deploy no, however, sometimes 'hmm, interesting', 'that's something to think about', 'we'll see' has a place. If they come back to you, and they might not as there might be another target, you deploy 'no', as in 'oh that? No.'
3. Making a balance sheet for your interactions with X and noting @BeNoisyFish 's post above realise that if there is huge ongoing imbalance with someone it it best not having them in your life.

I was very similar to you and then the menopause came along. I can honestly say I no longer give a shit.😆 It’s so liberating! My change in attitude was a bit difficult initially for friends and family to get to grips with as I started to put myself first so was a bit of adjustment for them.
I wish I’d been like this years ago and admire you @Merseymum1980 for thinking about how to do it now! Good luck.