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Has anyone found a way to become strong and assertive

62 replies

Merseymum1980 · 29/11/2025 20:29

I really struggle with boundaries, beimg assertive and being overly empathetic.
Its held me back all my life,its really caused my family worry and heart ache.
Im such a soft touch. On here ive been called wet.
I get so frustrated with myself, its kept me im bad relationships and friendships.
I keep trying to change my nature as its ruining my life and by affect has touched on ds life.
My childhood i was put down hit and screamed at daily by my parents, they used to drink heavily leaving my siblings and i frightened. My siblings have become such strong successful people and im a quivering wreck loser that over worries.
I know that im draining emotionally to friends
For context ive had counselling, hypnotherapy and cbt to no avail.
Can anyone share how they combatted this and stopped living in fear.

OP posts:
Potteryclass1 · 30/11/2025 18:02

firstly I want to say how much you’ve been through and how you’re brave and strong just to be here talking about it.
i also struggle with this kind of thing. I hope my perspective might help.
one day on the radio someone talked about “giving away our power”. I don’t remember properly what was said as I was driving.
it did resonate with me when I applied it to events from my past.
sometimes after something traumatic or where I am blamed for a situation that someone else created I try to work out what I could’ve done differently.
almoat always it’s my empathy that means early on I come across as a walkover. The other person usually takes advantage of this later in the situation.
at some point my empathy for somebody who has bad intentions or is manipulative means they take advantage. I give up my power to control my boundaries because I am overly empathetic to their situation.

i am still trying to work it all out but this is as far as I have got. I can see the pattern but I haven’t yet worked out how to stop it.

i wish you well and I send you a hug. You sound like a good-hearted person who is undermined by people who (for whatever trauma in their lives) only know how to go through life being manipulative. You don’t need to give up being a good person but you need to work out how to not give away your power over your own well-being.

when you work it out - let me know.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/11/2025 18:09

It's sometimes regarded as a bit outdated but I found reading nice girls don't get the corner office very helpful.

RalphLaurenXmas · 30/11/2025 18:13

Potteryclass1 · 30/11/2025 18:02

firstly I want to say how much you’ve been through and how you’re brave and strong just to be here talking about it.
i also struggle with this kind of thing. I hope my perspective might help.
one day on the radio someone talked about “giving away our power”. I don’t remember properly what was said as I was driving.
it did resonate with me when I applied it to events from my past.
sometimes after something traumatic or where I am blamed for a situation that someone else created I try to work out what I could’ve done differently.
almoat always it’s my empathy that means early on I come across as a walkover. The other person usually takes advantage of this later in the situation.
at some point my empathy for somebody who has bad intentions or is manipulative means they take advantage. I give up my power to control my boundaries because I am overly empathetic to their situation.

i am still trying to work it all out but this is as far as I have got. I can see the pattern but I haven’t yet worked out how to stop it.

i wish you well and I send you a hug. You sound like a good-hearted person who is undermined by people who (for whatever trauma in their lives) only know how to go through life being manipulative. You don’t need to give up being a good person but you need to work out how to not give away your power over your own well-being.

when you work it out - let me know.

OP has told her she didn't give away her power, her sister took it and groomed her to have it taken by others. OP will not let that happen anymore and the sister lost one of the best gifts in her life.

What an idiot the sister was. Had OP been helped, she could have shared way more with the greedy sister who had a short outlook in life.

Darkdiamond · 30/11/2025 18:14

I think that people who have poor boundaries amd cant assert themselves don't trust themselves to make a judgement as to whether the other person is in the wrong. This, I think, is due to having your own sense of injustice eroded at a young age.

Here is what I have realised over time:

Other people aren't more important than me and they don't get to have priority treatment and override social norms so they can say/do whatever they want.

The people that we often want to be nice to when they are walking over us, are walking over us because they don't care about us. It makes no sense to try to appease someone who doesn't respect you at all.

Develop red flags so that you can shut users, CFs and bullies down before they start. When you get the feeling that someone is seeing how far they can push you, you will feel a kind of shift inside yourself. Listen to it and don't brush it off. Every time someone has tried to take the mock out of me, I recognised it. Trust that instinct.

If you feel like someone is taking the piss, they probably are. Don't give them more time to prove you right. Act decisively and decide that you will be very wary of that person and have a boundary phrase up your sleeve, ready to unleash at a moment's notice.

Finally, think of future you. My mum once told me that sometimes you have to be brave and speak up for yourself, even when you feel scared, because you want to look back and respect how you handled it. You don't want to look back and kick yourself for letting someone walk over you.

I was picked on a lot as a teenager and had such a toxic friendship in my early twenties that I still have nightmares about her now, 20 years later. I was a complete walkover and let people push me around, but I now have a very sensitive siren that goes off when I feel like I'm at risk again. I am then on the (firm but polite) defense very quickly and nobody ever tries it on anymore. I don't mean that I'm hard or something now, I'm not, but my boundaries are really strong and I think people sense it.

Fiftyandme · 30/11/2025 18:16

Darkdiamond · 30/11/2025 18:14

I think that people who have poor boundaries amd cant assert themselves don't trust themselves to make a judgement as to whether the other person is in the wrong. This, I think, is due to having your own sense of injustice eroded at a young age.

Here is what I have realised over time:

Other people aren't more important than me and they don't get to have priority treatment and override social norms so they can say/do whatever they want.

The people that we often want to be nice to when they are walking over us, are walking over us because they don't care about us. It makes no sense to try to appease someone who doesn't respect you at all.

Develop red flags so that you can shut users, CFs and bullies down before they start. When you get the feeling that someone is seeing how far they can push you, you will feel a kind of shift inside yourself. Listen to it and don't brush it off. Every time someone has tried to take the mock out of me, I recognised it. Trust that instinct.

If you feel like someone is taking the piss, they probably are. Don't give them more time to prove you right. Act decisively and decide that you will be very wary of that person and have a boundary phrase up your sleeve, ready to unleash at a moment's notice.

Finally, think of future you. My mum once told me that sometimes you have to be brave and speak up for yourself, even when you feel scared, because you want to look back and respect how you handled it. You don't want to look back and kick yourself for letting someone walk over you.

I was picked on a lot as a teenager and had such a toxic friendship in my early twenties that I still have nightmares about her now, 20 years later. I was a complete walkover and let people push me around, but I now have a very sensitive siren that goes off when I feel like I'm at risk again. I am then on the (firm but polite) defense very quickly and nobody ever tries it on anymore. I don't mean that I'm hard or something now, I'm not, but my boundaries are really strong and I think people sense it.

This is so true.

Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 18:16

RalphLaurenXmas · 30/11/2025 18:13

OP has told her she didn't give away her power, her sister took it and groomed her to have it taken by others. OP will not let that happen anymore and the sister lost one of the best gifts in her life.

What an idiot the sister was. Had OP been helped, she could have shared way more with the greedy sister who had a short outlook in life.

Think thats some one else xx

OP posts:
RalphLaurenXmas · 30/11/2025 18:28

Those with strong boundaries for themselves who stand by and watch a bully go for the vulnerable are just as bad.

It really is how you are supported. One Mum when their daughter is going through a hard time will offer advice written about here, another will sadistically watch on having eroded their child's boundaries so they can have a lifetime of joy.

Someone told me how they reacted to their grandmother (a nurse) randomly placing her hand down the back of her top aged 13 when in public and how horrified she was. The grandmother said she was feeling to see if the grandchild had a bra yet as she couldn't gain the information from pumping. The girl told her mother who said "now you know what I had to put up with, I am sorry, aren't you glad I gave you boundaries, even when I was given none?".

Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 19:18

This is so helpful

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 19:37

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/11/2025 17:41

Thank you for creating this thread, OP. I have always struggled with this too.

You are welcome x

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 30/11/2025 20:37

I learnt about the story of the Loyal Soldier.

he represents all the falsehood and behaviours you learn in childhood to keep you safe, of which being careful not to hurt other people's feelings at any cost was one of my failings.

the loyal soldier is not longer useful in adulthood so you need to metaphorically stand him down and tell him you don't need to do the same things now you're an adult.

it frees you up by giving you permission to stop doing things as an adult that are a form of self-harm. I did a leadership course a couple of years ago and we all had to stand down our loyal soldier. It was liberating.

Merseymum1980 · 30/11/2025 21:12

daisychain01 · 30/11/2025 20:37

I learnt about the story of the Loyal Soldier.

he represents all the falsehood and behaviours you learn in childhood to keep you safe, of which being careful not to hurt other people's feelings at any cost was one of my failings.

the loyal soldier is not longer useful in adulthood so you need to metaphorically stand him down and tell him you don't need to do the same things now you're an adult.

it frees you up by giving you permission to stop doing things as an adult that are a form of self-harm. I did a leadership course a couple of years ago and we all had to stand down our loyal soldier. It was liberating.

This is eeally interesting

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 01/12/2025 21:01

So i tried one thing today, i told my friend i would not be renewing the business contract with her.
It went down like a led balloon but im not as stressed as imagined

OP posts:
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