Anyone with BPD?

[TinkerbellesMum]

I saw on my notes not long ago Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder. I've never been told by anyone. I started researching it and have been rather shocked and moved by what I've read as it does seem to describe me quite well. I was recommended the film "Girl, Interrupted" which I've just watched and again I related to Susanna's story.

When I told Mum what I saw she said she told Dad ages ago I had BPD (suspected it I mean, not that she has been told). She now thinks I should automatically change my behaviour (which has been a lot better since my partner came into my life anyway, but I still have my moments) as I understand what is wrong with me. It's left me feeling quite lonely. I don't fully understand it because websites can't tell you everything and they can't give you years of therapy. She thinks because I'm intelligent I should be able to see when I'm thinking or feeling something that's not rational. Her boss (she's a Senior Child Protection Social Worker) is a family friend and he wound me up the other day, I asked him to drop it, he carried on and I got angry. Now they're trying to say there's "something wrong" with me and Tink is at risk. I haven't got that sort of angry for two and a half years. All the people who see me from the hospital and my HV say how well I'm doing, Mum keeps trying to say the HV is worried about me but she keeps saying how well I'm doing. I'm seeing my nurse therapist this week so will be talking to him about it all.

That was sort of an introduction and sort of needing to get some things off my chest somewhere.

So, anyone else with BPD? Come and share your stories and help make me feel less mad

i have it too. Cant write much now as on mobile not pc. But i empathire totally with u. I'll try 2 get on pc later but prob not until this eve. But I will write more when i can. Hugs x

I didn't realise you could use this site from a mobile (I used to browse Aitch's site from my mobile and write down addresses for my OH to print off) will have to remember that!

I am looking forward to having a chat later.

That was teh fist time I had done it!

I am only passing through on the pc now but will give this some thought and come back later

x

Okay my story Tinkerbelle: I was diagnosed about a year or so ago. Although I have had mental health problems all my life - first referall to pysch was at 16. The dx has not helped me though. The NHS mental health no longer want to help me becauseI dont qualify for a community mental health practioner now (because of the dx) and they dont take my suicidal ideation serious - which quite frankly I find a joke and absolutely appalling treatment.
Anyway, I ended up in a private hospital last year where they didnt like the 'label' and treated me independetly of the BPD, whcih was a good thing. now I am in psychotherpay and prob will be for the rest of my life to help keep me on an even keel. the NHS dont want to know, I cant afford more private care, so I am left to fend for myself.

Dont want to be depressing about it, but maybe the reason you werent told was because the label doesnt actually do anything, IYKIWM

Srry for the long waffle...

tell me more about you

What makes the diagnosis any less of need from the mental health team?

Ive been under a psychiatrist since I was four, I was a moody teenager (rather like BPD really) and diagnosed with depression around 16. I found out that a report made about me when I was 14 said I would probably never be able to work as I wouldn't be able to handle the structure of a hierarchical system. I didn't know this till I had been signed off for quite awhile and had been working for two years before I was signed off. I think they knew when I was a teenager because I'm pretty sure that report said I may get better in my 40s, which is what they say about BPD.

I've always been treated for depression, given AD's and none of it has ever worked. I've never dealt with certain aspects of what I now know to be part of BPD, I didn't even know it was something to talk about. I've behaved appallingly sometimes, I've never known why I did something and I don't know what to do about it. I think they should have been helping me with these things rather than just giving me AD's and telling me I'm just depressed. I sometimes wish I could say I'm depressed because it would be a feeling. I've never been a self harmer or suicidal, but it's been a conscious decision as Mum was when I was little and I don't want not only to put her thought it but for her to realise what it was like. Although one place I really related to Susanna was when she took a bottle of Aspirin because she had a headache. I once took four times my dose of sleeping tablets because the noise in my head (I had mind rush at the time) was so loud I couldn't sleep. Apparently they managed to wake me enough to sign a disclaimer for treatment when paramedics came. I didn't remember any of it and, although I wouldn't have wanted it to have been made official because it wouldn't have been seen how it was, I was annoyed that they could let me in that state sign to say I didn't want treatment.

I was upset when Tink was born that they were quite stingy with pain meds, I wasn't allowed a snack box which is normally given to everyone when they come up from a CS and they would give me a choice: paracetamol or oramorph every four hours. I had been on bedrest with my back during pregnancy and the CS made it worse, plus the going back and forth to the NNU, so to be given very little in the way of pain relief was very hard. I had bad PNI in hospital and they called the team from the adjoining hospital to come and see me, I told them then I wasn't going to hurt myself.

I'm going to mention it to my nurse on Wednesday, I'm not sure whether to try the subtle "I just watched Girl Interupted" or just come out and say I saw it on my notes. I know he doesn't see my notes, everything he has is what I've given him, so he won't know it's there unless he goes looking.

How did you get on today Tink? Did you mention it? x

No we ended up on a completely different topic (we're trying to sort out TBD at the moment lol - I've told him he's going to the GP next week because I think he's depressed) so I will store it for next time. I've been holding onto it for awhile anyway so another fortnight isn't going to hurt.

Have you seen Girl Interrupted, by the way?

Oh Tink I am sorry things didnt go as you hoped

I havent seen it but I have recently added it to my Amazon order

How is Wednesday for you anyway?

It's ok, it's been helpful. We've spent two sessions talking about my OH and his problems, but mainly because they're effecting me and looking at how I can deal with him that is helpful to us both.

It's a good film, whispers:I got it from torrent^, I found it helpful seeing someone else going through similar things and the fact it is true helps as well I think. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but there are other people and it feels less lonely knowing other peoples stories. If that makes sense.

I am pleased it helped Tink

There are a couple of others on here with experience of BPD so if we keep this bumped they might spot it...

I was diagnosed with it. Then undiagnosed and re-diagnosed. I have come to realise that it doesn't matter all that much - I know I have some traits. When I get very depressed, I behave in very self-destructive ways which mean I fit the diagnosis more. But, on the whole, I get through each day pretty well. What made a difference was other people knowing - it caused horrendous problems for me.

What really helped was Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (look on wiki if you are interested). It was a fairly intensive group therapy program which helped teach me how to anticipate 'challenging' behaviour, how to avoid it if possible and how to deal with it and the crisis that followed. It is failry common sense stuff but really helped.

I think I'd be inclined to tell the nurse that you have seen the notes and see what he says. If you're comfortable with that.

I will have a look for Girl, Interrupted

Its a bloody nigyhtmare tho isnt it

I think the most helpful thing about me knowing and having it out in the open would be to deal with some of the things in my life that have never been dealt with. I don't want to go into too much detail as it's an open forum, but when you've seen the film you will probably understand when I say there is a lot of Susanna that is me. Some of it is so horrifying to me that no one knows some of the things I've done

One of the things I really related to (that I don't mind saying) is she OD'd on Aspirin (whole tub) and used vodka to swallow it, not to kill herself, but because she had a headache. I once OD'd on sleeping tablets (not as dramatic, just 4x my dose) because I needed to sleep I took them when Mum was at church and by the time she got back I was being argumentative but not talking properly (sleepy slurred) so she told me to go to bed. I think I zig-zagged to bed. She realised something wasn't right and called an ambulance. Apparently I told them to go away and leave me alone, I don't remember any of it. I even signed a disclaimer saying I didn't want treatment! I slept till 4pm the next afternoon and only woke up because I was hallucinating that Mum kept telling me to make a cup of tea! I think the phone kept ringing (which was Mum too!) and it had come through to my dreams.

My sister was diagnosed with BPD ages ago, basically the psychiatrist told her this then shoved her out of the door offering no further help. she has had a lot of problems and has gotten worse lately, she is waiting for therapy but it has been a long time coming. I have the book of girl interrupted btw if anyone wants it, I enjoyed it, or found it interesting (more appropriate lol). I have looked at the criteria for BPD but I think it's hard to translate those statements to real life iyswim.

Hugs Tink and so sorry to hear about your sister Mouse. Must be a terrible worry for you. I totally empathise with the 'shoving out the door with no furhter offer of help'. In fact it is almost reassuring to hear that (in a sick way) because so many people disbelieve me when I say that the NHS mental health team dont want to know me, or that I am not eligible for NHS counselling 'because of my diagnosis'. I do hope you sis gets the treatment she needs soon tho.

I am having a bad day, actually bad few days (or rather, I am going through a bad period but today has been harder). I dont know where to turn. I feel so alone.

I was reading the NICE guidelines, BPD is a psychiatric condition and should be treated as such. If you are having problems with getting treatment you should print off the NICE guidelines and take it to the doctor.

I actually found reading the statements rather upsetting because I was relating to it and could see exactly what they meant. I guess they seem odd until you actually live through it, like I said before about the Aspirin.

I'm going to have to get hold of a copy of the book.

I was reading the NICE guidelines, BPD is a psychiatric condition and should be treated as such. If you are having problems with getting treatment you should print off the NICE guidelines and take it to the doctor.

I actually found reading the statements rather upsetting because I was relating to it and could see exactly what they meant. I guess they seem odd until you actually live through it, like I said before about the Aspirin.

I'm going to have to get hold of a copy of the book.

I don't have BPD but a close relative does. It was very difficult and disorientating growing up with this relative. I have read two very good books on the subject:
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

and:
Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder (Paperback)
by Richard A. Moskovitz (Author)

Both are available on Amazon.

On another note you should be aware that a diagoses of BPD is frequently incorrect and used as a last-ditch 'catch all' label. Once you have that on your record it gives mental health services all the excuse they need not to provide you with interventions such as counselling as traditionally people with personality disorders are seen as 'untreatable'-which nicely lets them off the hook.

Sorry to be so depressing.

Like OC says dialetic behavioural therapy may be useful but many health areas don't have practitioners who provide it.

thanks for the info you two. It's bloody despressing isnt it? I have just read Girl interrupted. Didnt particularly enjoy the style, and, imo, a lot of it was 'off topic' ie it was purely another tale from a psychiatric ward. The only 'relevant' information relating to BPD comes in the final chapters. I was disappointed. ButI spend a lot of my time being disappointed. Is that another 'symptom'?

Sounds like the film is better.

I just realised I made a post earlier and it's not gone on. I'll rewrite it later, I've got to go to the CM to get Tink soon.

I work as a therapist with people with BPD and it's in the NHS. I think you are right that lots of general mental health services (community teams and regular inpatient wards) struggle to offer appropriate care to people with a BPD dagnosis. I varies from area to area, but lots of areas are starting to set up personality disorder services - offering DBT and CAT (which is what I do.) BPD is treatable and there is starting to be some really good evidence that therapy works. What the psychs mean when they say 'untreatable' is that they can't give you medication and it be all 'ok' !!! .

It varies..

I kmnow you were trying to be helfpfiul laidnback but I still feel so bloody alone

naswm - I really feel for you. You really should be getting a better service from your NHS team. BPD is not untreatable - you just need to get to see the right people. There are specialist service out there if professional people can be bothered to look into it ! I totally believe you that you are not getting heard at the moment bu your local services. Many people I see have been 'rebounding' round services for years before they get to see us. BPD can be a very emotive diagnosis ! WHat area are you in - maybe I can see if I can recommend who you might be able to get help from ?