Anyone with BPD?

[TinkerbellesMum]

I saw on my notes not long ago Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder. I've never been told by anyone. I started researching it and have been rather shocked and moved by what I've read as it does seem to describe me quite well. I was recommended the film "Girl, Interrupted" which I've just watched and again I related to Susanna's story.

When I told Mum what I saw she said she told Dad ages ago I had BPD (suspected it I mean, not that she has been told). She now thinks I should automatically change my behaviour (which has been a lot better since my partner came into my life anyway, but I still have my moments) as I understand what is wrong with me. It's left me feeling quite lonely. I don't fully understand it because websites can't tell you everything and they can't give you years of therapy. She thinks because I'm intelligent I should be able to see when I'm thinking or feeling something that's not rational. Her boss (she's a Senior Child Protection Social Worker) is a family friend and he wound me up the other day, I asked him to drop it, he carried on and I got angry. Now they're trying to say there's "something wrong" with me and Tink is at risk. I haven't got that sort of angry for two and a half years. All the people who see me from the hospital and my HV say how well I'm doing, Mum keeps trying to say the HV is worried about me but she keeps saying how well I'm doing. I'm seeing my nurse therapist this week so will be talking to him about it all.

That was sort of an introduction and sort of needing to get some things off my chest somewhere.

So, anyone else with BPD? Come and share your stories and help make me feel less mad

Hi laidback. I am in SE London. YEsterday I made (yet another) appoint with my GP (for next week) where I will ask for a referral to my local CMHT (again). I saw him last month and asked for a referral to the alcohol team and was told I had to self refer. But atm I feel that I need a point of contact. I did go along to my local mental health unit about 18 months ago, but when I got the diagnosis I was left alone again. After that I ended up in a privaste hospital last year (cost a fortune, still paying for it) and then the NHS didnt want to know me after that. I was told there was no crisis team in the area and if I had an 'emergency' or felt 'unsafe' I should go to A&E. Yeah right.

I have spent so much time trying to get help and doing things to help myself. I think people (friends) dont believe me, but I really do try so hard. It is an uphil battle with no end in sight. I thought people were supposed to grow out of this? Well I am nearly 40 and no sign of that happening for me.

I have read 3 books this week on the subject looking for yet more clues to surival, but really atm I want to give up.

Ok, In London you have the Henderson hospital (google it and you will see the website) It is one of the best places for treatment for BPD in the country (although it is residential and you can't take kids so maybe not the place for you if you have them). They used to have an outreach team that would see any london referrals. There must be some services in your area (I will have a look when I'm back from work). St Thomas' hospital run at Cognitive Analytic Therapy Service for people with BPD which you might be able to get referred to. Let me do some research and I will get back to you.

thansk laidback. I ahve had CAT, about 5 months of it, but still totally mad

St Thomas would be a good place for me to get to. Dotn know henderson but will google it later

thanks so much laidback

Nx

Tink how are you sorry for hyjacking the thread

www.personalitydisorder.org.uk/services/results.php?region_id=7

There's some service here - the SUN project looks interesting. I will see what else I can find later.

Just want to say that the Henderson is now closed but there is The Cassel which is an NHS therapeutic community for people with personality disorders in Richmond and takes referrals from all over the country. There is a family unit there for people with chidren but that tends to be for families who's children show disturbance too. The inpantients stay as weekly residents and if they live in London this involves 6 month residential treatment and then several years outreach although you can also go straight to Outreach. Getting funding from your nhs trust can be the difficult bit.
I'm so sorry to hear people dx with pd still not getting the help they need. I really don't like the label mainly for this reason but things are changing.

Hi tink and naswm, I work as a nurse therapist in CAMHs and do a lot of resilience/emotional management stuff with young women who're at risk of or are actually developing BPD. I'm not trained in DBT but am very interested in pursuing this in the future.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dismissed by mental health services but I think the picture is changing for the better, in some parts of England there are dedicated services ofr BPD. Unfortunately though the phrases "untreatable" and "attention seeking" still abound.

I think part of the reticence of some mental health professionals to work with BPD is the anxiety and concern working with this grouo can generate. I'm not saying this to be critical but just to give you an honest view. "splitting" and burn out amongst professionals is common, often due to being inadequately supervised.

I use some of the techniques from the book

"managing intense emotions and overcoming self-destructive habits" by Lorraine Bell.

this is a manual used with people with BPD. You might find some of it helpful.

Best of luck xx

ra29 - I think the party line on the Henderson is that it is 'temporarily closed' because of funding issues. Their outreach team is still taking referrals ( I checked for another patient last week.) Naswm - they would need a referral from a CMHT - so maybe time for another visit to them ? Could you take a mental health advocate with you to help put your point across ?

thanks for the info laidback and peacelilly

I few words have stuck in my head. I have never been referred to as attention seeking. In fact, I go out of my way not to draw attention to myself. It's that sort of thing that irks me though IYKIWM.

I interested in the term splitting re professionals, and burn out. I wonder if something like is happening with my therapist (see my thread/posts from a couple of weeks ago). I think I simply am too much for her.

I am so grateful for your advice and ideas but I still feel like there is no way out of this for me, which means that there is only one way to rid myself of it, but that means destroying my family. Very hard

Naswm - I just had a read through what happened with your therapist and it sounds like she crossed a boundary .... and it can be so tempting to do as so many people with BPD are real survivors and inspirational and come with real emotional sparkiness. BUT as a therapist you just can't cross that line and you have to stick to your boundaries - and that's why we should have very regular supervision.

It must be exasperating to keep on getting knocked down and then having to get up again - but there will be someone/something out there that will help you improve things.

laidback

what do you mean by this 'so many people with BPD are real survivors and inspirational and come with real emotional sparkiness' Do you mean that I was 'nice' and that is why she cross the boundary and we got friendly?

naswm... I mean that many people with BPD who I have worked with have brought emotional stuff up for me. So many clients have had such a difficult time, neglect, lack of consistency etc. Without appropriate supervision or boundaries, as a therapist - you can sometimes feel like giving 'yourself' through friendship/love etc can fix the person. It can't - it just becomes another screwed up relationship with wonky power dynamics. I hope this makes sense ?

yes that is what I thought you said. It does make sense. but my 'warped' mentally is reading into that that she only became friendly because she felt sorry for me.

It's not as simple as that naswm ( as you recognise)...have you still got your 'map' from when you did CAT ? Can you look at the roles/procedures on there and see what might have happened ?

I havent looked at my notes from CAT since I stopped. I have no idea what happened between us, but I am playing the' I am not contacting you between appts' game now - which we both know I am doing - so its all a bit odd really

Good luck with it. Maybe it's something that you can both be open about and look at in therapy - explore what it happening between you. If not - maybe time to find a new therapist ( I can almost hear your heart sinking at that one ).

heart sunk long ago laidback (how did you know I would say that? are 'we' that predictable?

Not predictable.... well maybe a little

One of the things I work on with my clients is focussing on the fact that there isn't an 'answer' . I think in life we all (BPD or not) hope for a person/experience/thing that will make it all better. It doen't happen like that. It's a series of small, small movements forwards and sometimes a few slips back - but once you've got some distance - you can see that you have come some way and things are a little different and hopefully better.

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising .

I will check in later - just going to hassle DS1 off to bed.

hi

BPD is one possible "diagnosis" on my records too

I didnt agree with it tho from what I know of it and nobody has ever discussed it with me

it seems a bit of a dioagnosis of despair to me

sorry you have got into this with your therapist naswm

not patronising - I agree

but my 'problem' (one of many) is that I work bloody hard at this and never make any progress

missed your post earlier

I am really wound uyp about it all atm

Hi naswm just getting back to you from earlier, laidbacks advice is excellent I wholeheartedly second it.

I'm sorry if my post triggered off some painful ruminations I wanted to give you practical honest advice that may help you seek help more effectively.

It's awful you're feeing so desperate at the moment, is there a decent crisis service you can contact? they should help you regardless of diagnosis.

BPD IS treatable in that you can develop ways of aknowledging and coping with your emotions rather than them controlling you. I really think you should access some crisis help right now and think about long term therapy when your head has cleared a little bit.

I'm not too bad. Think I know now what made me angry the other week - I'm pregnant! I found out yesterday and I'm almost 8 weeks. How do you others find being pregnant with BPD?

Don't worry about hijacking, I'm happy for this to be a support and discussion for whoever needs it.

I said before I was posting a reply and it got lost. I was saying that I don't think for me it is a last ditch thing as I've been under a psychiatrist since I was 4, diagnosed as depressed when I was 16 (not to mention the major mood swings around my cycle before then since I was 13) and been on long term sick since just before my 18th birthday. Plus they've never told me a diagnosis.

I can't remember if I said this before but I read a report that was written when I was 14, I can't remember how old I would have been but well after I was on the sick. It was a doctor explaining to CICB how bad I was. She said I was unlikely to ever be able to work because I wouldn't cope in a hierarchical system. I am shocked at how accurate that was. One of the reasons I first got ill at 17 was because of bullying I had at work, old fashioned valued boss took the other persons side (adult v child) and I got in a lot of trouble. It is, looking back now, one of the things I read about BPD of thinking someone is wonderful then being devastated when they don't live up to it. She was my boss, all knowing of course(!) and when she turned on me I couldn't handle it.

Gosh, the things I could say that I am able to match up to symptoms that I would die if anyone I knew read! Some of the symptoms I find very hard to fit with my faith, although now I know it's not just me there is a reason I did things I think I do feel better about it. (It's not easy to talk about something without talking about it!)

Do either of you know anywhere in Birmingham that is good? I'm under the QEPH at the moment. I think the QE in general is a really good hospital, but I don't know much about how they are with BPD.

Congrats Tinkerbellesmum, how did you find pregnancy with your first? The hormonal rollercoaster is hard for anyone, nevermind with BPD.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with relatives with BPD? I don't know if it's me becoming wiser or my sister becoming worse, but I am finding myself less able to cope with her self obsessed attitude and behaviour. I'm finding myself wanting to distance myself from her as I have problems of my own, but I know it's not the right thing to do.

I feel that in the past she has bullied me, she says what she wants about me and tries to force me to do things against my will. We have always got on well but now I have my own family I am less likely to do her bidding and stand up to her a lot more. I don't know if looking at the criteria she is more narcissistic. But basically I do not want to visit her agian and will not let her visit after she got drunk around my children.

I feel guilty about this (she is 200 miles away) as she frequently expresses suicidal thoughts, but refuses to help herself. I dunno think I am just sick of the whole vicious circle.

I spent the pregnancy with Tink just being totally numb, with Lily-Hope I managed to keep myself busy (doing mystery shopping for a well known Europe-wide coach company )so I was fine. I think though with Isobel because of what I'd just been through - it was very close to losing Lily-Hope that I got pregnant again - and I couldn't settle into it because I was scared of losing her too, especially as it was a fault with me.