Fed up with long term depression ! ( Long... and prob tedious!)

[StarSparkle]

Hi,

Does anyone have any tips on coping with long term depression ?

I have been living with clinical depression for 13 years and I am getting a bit fed up with it ! I feel mine is some sort of chemical imbalance as long term depression ( anxitey, bi polar, panic attacks and dependance) runs in my mothers side of the family.

I'n the last 13 years i have been to 2 different councillors, one who tryed to put answers in my mouth and the other who was a mental health assessor. Both were completely unhelpful and seemed to only think mental illness only derives from life experience.

I always have dark thoughts, but as i have lived with it for so long have trained myself to deal with them. I have a had few v minor breakdowns only lasting a few days/weeks. I have taken overdoses 3 times in my teens and had to go to a&e. I also have self harmed (in my teens for 3 yrs).

I often have feelings of cutting myself but since then but have only done it a handful of times in the last 7 years.

I have also developed a degree of social anxiety - which i never had before !

Anyway, enough of me feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity !

Anyones experience or suggestions would be apperiated ! ( I have really bad spelling - so apologies!)

[Divastrop]

hello all.didnt want to bring you all down yesterday with reports of my nightmare trip to the GP.

eve+TBM-well done on gettig out there and doing stuff!

i seem to f**k up every time i try and do something

my dh plays world of warcraft,that is his life hobby.

[Eve34]

Thank you Diva, did post on your other thread, have you thought about going to see different GP? Hang on in there x

[TinkerbellesMum]

Diva, I've been out of work for 10 years, so don't think it's coming easy (not that I'm trying to blow my own trumpet). I've tried to get into things and always messed up, it almost makes me glad they won't let me go back to work because I don't think I could do it, I'd make a mess.

I've just come out of WoW , was falling asleep.

Does anyone else find that their OH needs hobbies because he needs a break but he doesn't see that you need one too? My OH thinks life is a break for me! He comes in from work and needs to play on the PC to unwind, he's had a hard day so can't play with Tink, weekends he needs to go out and spend time with his friends. I asked him once when my break is and he said when did I think he got a break. I told him at least he can go to work, he said that's not a break it's work. But when he is at work he's got an 8 hour break from home and Tink, I have her 24/7.

[Divastrop]

eve-yes,thank you for posting.im not going to bump it again but i got a letter from the gp today saying there was no need to apologise and shes happy to continue seeing me if i want,or i can see someone else if i prefer.

TBM-i thought i recognised your name,were you on that thread the other week about someones WoW addict dh?what realm/server (or whatever it is) are you on on there?

i think its a common mis-conception among(particularly first-time)dads that SAHMs have an easy life.does your dh ever look after dd and let you have a break?maybe he needs a reality check.

[Eve34]

Oh yes - it is a regular argument here, DP fishes regularly, which I don't mind at all, but the other weekend day is a family day - so if I want time'off' DS misses out as DP isn't too good at getting out and about. I had to work away one weekend, DP took DS to his mum's because he knew he would find it too much.... I second you getting yourself out for a few hours, catching up with friends, a stroll around the shops anything to give you a few hours down time. It is really important.

[StarSparkle]

By the posts here it looks like the dads are very similar ! When my DP gets back from work he goes round to his dads whos giot a gym in the garage and spends some time there. When he's home he uses the equipment at our place ! To put u guys in the picture we live in a 2 bed flat, half our living area is taken up with his gym equipment which drives me mad !

He works for his dad so always takes on jobs at the drop of a hat despite any plams we have made. He reckons that he needs a break as he works. I have DD 24/7 and the only break i get it 2 hrs on a sat when i do my mum/dads housework so mum has her as she and my dad work fulltime.

Dont get me wrong he adores our DD - but if i want to do something like have a bath he gets really flustered arfter an hour and then makes it so i have to take over from him , even if i havent even got out the bath yet !

[wiggleit]

Hi everyone! Hope you are all well.

Sounds like you all have a lot to put up with , with your men and their hobbies.

My DH is into shooting and goes out every other Sat and sometimes in the evenings depending on the season. At one point he was out every night so i had to put my foot down!

He is generally very good though and does a lot with our DD. If i'm not feeling so good he'll take her out for an hour or two to give me some time alone. I only have to tell him i'm not up to it and he'll relieve me, he baths/showers her for me etc. I know i've got a good un!

I've just come back from my counselling session...another step in the right direction. I've felt a lot better this last week, no dark thoughts like i was having the week before. I just feel so guilty that my DH has to put up with me. Does anyone else feel that? I wish i could be more into things iykwim.

[StarSparkle]

Hey wiggleit, does indeed sound like u have a goodun in your DH ! My DP is good too - buut hey doesn;t really understand my depression - but puts up with it as we have been together for 8 yrs !

Good to see you are going to councilling and taken a good step in improving your situation.

I always feel that my DD, DP and family members deserve better than me and putting up with me. I feel its all part of the illness. I know this sounds awful but depression is a very selfish illness as it engulfs those who have it so much. I often wonder whats worse, me having depression or those i live with having to live with someone with it.

Glad u aren't having any dark thoughts like u were having. It's good ! Well done !

[stillfatbutlostabitnow]

I don't sleep well most of the time. Managed to sleep last night without 'nightmares' (I'm awake when I have them at 2/3 a.m and always about DD). Despite that, I was so tired I may aswell have been awake all night. Thought too much about something DH said on way out door, and avoided his calls until lunchtime. Couldn't answer phone cos I was in tears until had to go to toddler group. Had to make out I was OK even though must have looked a mess but no-one asked so got away with it. Finally spoke to him, and never told him I had been crying. I normally tell him. Don't know if I prefer him at a distance or not, but can't tell him now. Think he's getting so fed up of me being like this. He noticed I took my ring off but never said anything.

[StarSparkle]

Hey still, hope u are feeling better now. I have had nightmares each night for years. I still remember one horrid one i had at 5 yrs old ! Dont worry about having your worst ones at 2/3am and this is the time that the most people have nightmares/ terrors - if you research on the internet it is very common that people find the hour's you mentioned as high hours of anxiety, asleep or not !

[StarSparkle]

Hey still, hope u are feeling better now. I have had nightmares each night for years. I still remember one horrid one i had at 5 yrs old ! Dont worry about having your worst ones at 2/3am and this is the time that the most people have nightmares/ terrors - if you research on the internet it is very common that people find the hour's you mentioned as high hours of anxiety, asleep or not !

[mummyhill]

Hello,

Not had time to read all the posts on here but wanted to add my own bit iyswim.

I have suffered depressive episode's since my teens and am now in my early/mid thirties. I have also been known to SH or self neglect. Every one else gets looked after because they are so much more important than me. I don't count and I do think most of the time that they would be better off without me.

I am currently on 225mg venlafaxine a day, I see a mh social worker once a week, gp once a month and psychiatrist once every 2 months. This latest bout has been quite bad and has seen me take rather a lot of time off work. Hopefully I am on the way up now but will wait and see.

I find the mood gym very useful it is an Australian site that has CBT excersises on it which I hope is helping me to change my reactions to stuff.

I also find a lot of help and support from a site called dealing with depression. Everyone on there either suffers from depression or lives with someone who suffers.

Part of my problem is my thyroid being underactive, depression also seems to run in the family which hasn't helped the way I have dealt with all the crap we have had thrown at us as a family over the last 4 years.

[Eve34]

Hello mummyhill - good to see you. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, hope they help, I find going to work keeps me going, I work 3 days, at the end of the 4 days off I am glad to get back to it.

SF - sorry you have such bad nightsmares, you must be exhusted. WE had DS up in the night for a past 2 nights and I feel terrible, you must be exhusted. Hope you manage to rest up in the day? Hang on in there.

SS and WIggleit - think the feels of not being good enough are very common. I feel like this most of the time. My DS deserves better than me. I am a rubbish mum, short tempered etc

Well it is friday so DS and I or off to the zoo, as the sun is out, get him running around so hopefully we will get a good nights sleep....

[stillfatbutlostabitnow]

Thanks for support everyone.
mummyhill - hope you find the right thing for you now. sounds like you've been through the wringer a bit. hope you can start to leave the past 4 yrs behind you soon

[SIBLINGRIVALRY]

Hi,
Hope it's ok to join in. I've been logging onto MN for over a year, but never had the courage to post before now.

I feel like this thread could have been made for me. I've suffered on and off with depression for 16 years - I'm 34 now.

Aout a year ago I started feeling really low and stressed and I haven't been back to work since.

I am getting some CBT, but don't really like the man who does it, so dunno if I'm getting much from it. I too have seen umpteen counsellors, as well as a totally crap CPN.

I feel like everyone is judging me when none of the treatments work - as tho I don't try to get better! I really feel for you all -your stories are so familiar.

[StarSparkle]

Hey SIB, welcome !

Hope you find this thread useful and supportive !

[SIBLINGRIVALRY]

Thanx star,

It's just so reassuring to find out that other people feel like I do. I honestly thought I was the only person who analysed the conversations I had with people!

Have to say, my DH sounds just like your DP. He also needs an awful lot of 'space'[hmmm] and even stayed with a friend of his for a couple of weeks a few months ago- said he couldn't cope with my problems if he didn't have time to himself.

Didn't feel as if I could argue with that one - just adds more guilt. I know it's a cliche, but try to keep your chin up. Most of the time, the horrible feelings pass.

[Divastrop]

hello mummyhill and SIB

SIB-its so frustrating when you are basically accused of not wanting to get better when you dont respond to treatment.i mean,if you hired a lawyer and they were crap you would want a different one,nobody would say 'oh you just dont want to win the court case'.i think alot of CPNs etc get away with saying their patients are non-complient when in fact they are incompetent

i dont have nightmares often,just the same dreams over and over,about the same things.i chat to a lady who does dream interpretation on another forum and she says my dreams are telling me there is something,possibly traumatic,that happened when i was a teenager that is deeply buried and i am going to confront it soon.()

i am having real problems with anxiety and paranoia atm.i cant stop thinking about this situation with the kids in the back street,i keep thinking i have made my children into outcasts because im so freaky.

i often only want to get better because i feel my kids deserve a better mum,and my husband deserves a better wife.

[Eve34]

SIB = hope you stay around, always good to have others who understand. I feel so much better this week knowing I am not alone feeling like I do. Shame your DP finds it difficult at times, but if you are anything like me I appreciate the space too, although hate being alone = or the thought of it.
DS has a birthday party to go to tomorrow, I have made biscuits but they have fallen apart, so will buy something instead- rubbish cook that I am....

[SIBLINGRIVALRY]

Diva, I bet if you asked your dh and dc they would say that they wouldn't swap you for anyone else in the world.
Maybe depression can make us hard to live with at times, but would we be so hard on ourselves if we had a physical condition instead?

My lovely GP said it could be helpful to think of depression as being like a condition such as diabetes - it's something you live with, there are measures you can take to control it and you may have to accept that you will always need medication. I thought this sounded sensible advice - what do you think?

Also, have you ever tried CBT? Even though I don't like my consellor, I think it could work really well for someone with extreme anxiety. xx

[Divastrop]

i am having group CBT but it is aimed at self-esteem issues.they do an anxiety one as well,i dont know if i would be able to do that when this one eventually finishes.

has anyone here tried any alternative therapies or remedies?

[SIBLINGRIVALRY]

Eve - you are not alone in being a crap cook, believe me! Someone said life's too short to stuff a mushroom. . .and to make your own biscuits! No disrepect to all of you who are fab at baking!

You are also right about appreciating the space when DH is out. He's out watching footie tonight and if he was at home he would be nosing around -has no idea I have just started to post.

I think it's great that we can all support each other. This is the first time in 16 years that I have come across people who go through the same fears and feelings IYKWIM. I don't really talk to my friends, cos I sort of feel like I've bored them enough over the years.

If it's a bad day for anyone, please just log on and talk - don't sit and suffer.

[SIBLINGRIVALRY]

Diva, I heard that CBT particularly useful for anxiety - was from a reliable source. Isn't finding the right help like the Holy Grail?

I've tried hypnotherapy, which took me back to my traumatic childhood. Only did it twice tho, so am not really qualified to say. Think it's very much a 'suck it and see' situation.

Apparently, ther's a good book called CBT FOR DUMMIES and there's a workbook too. There's stuff in that can help you to stop the same thoughts from worrying you - in your case, the kids in the back street. It's easier said than done, I know .

[ActingNormal]

Had depression on and off for years but feel better at the moment. Don't know if this will be helpful but here is a list of things which have seemed to help. If one of these things is any help to just one person then it is worth posting this because I know how f*cking awful and paralysing depression feels and that I've been trying anything I can think of to get out of it for so long:

Organising my life so that I see people I can talk to nearly every day

Therapy - if there are difficult things you still haven't really faced up to then maybe you will never really feel better. I think this is what is making the most difference to me

Liquid iron with b vitamins supplement - feel less tired now

Magnesium-ok and agnus castus - hormonal mood swings seem a bit better now

Sports carbohydrate milkshake powder drinks between meals - to keep blood sugar steadier, so seem to have less highs and lows throughout the day

Keeping a scrap of paper in my pocket and writing down on it each time the smallest good thing happens in the day or positive thoughts I might have or ideas to make my life better or each time I think I've done well at something. This helps me focus on positive things and what I have got rather than what I haven't.

A book I read - How to Stop Thinking and Start Living - about how to not overthink and how to make happiness a way of life rather than a goal, so that you focus on enjoying what you are doing right now - this is good for the small stuff but if you have serious issues that you have had for years then I really think therapy is important for those.

[ActingNormal]

ps...ADs didn't work for me at all, just had side effects. Also tried loads of different contracteptive pills - all seemed to make me worse. St John's Wort and Kalms didn't work. Gingko biloba at night seemed to make me wake up a bit more clear headed. Red Bull works when I feel really desperate and can't even bring myself to talk to the children but I got 'addicted' to caffeine and it stopped having any effect so I gave it up (horrible withdrawal symptoms) and now try to drink hardly any, only if I'm desperate then it works. Eating right and exercising didn't have much impact. Apple Cider Vinegar seemed to work for a while then stopped working. There are so many things I tried, I have a shelf full of herbal remedies, I could go on forever. I even tried having ice cold showers in the morning but this just made me f*cking angry!