Fed up with long term depression ! ( Long... and prob tedious!)

[StarSparkle]

Hi,

Does anyone have any tips on coping with long term depression ?

I have been living with clinical depression for 13 years and I am getting a bit fed up with it ! I feel mine is some sort of chemical imbalance as long term depression ( anxitey, bi polar, panic attacks and dependance) runs in my mothers side of the family.

I'n the last 13 years i have been to 2 different councillors, one who tryed to put answers in my mouth and the other who was a mental health assessor. Both were completely unhelpful and seemed to only think mental illness only derives from life experience.

I always have dark thoughts, but as i have lived with it for so long have trained myself to deal with them. I have a had few v minor breakdowns only lasting a few days/weeks. I have taken overdoses 3 times in my teens and had to go to a&e. I also have self harmed (in my teens for 3 yrs).

I often have feelings of cutting myself but since then but have only done it a handful of times in the last 7 years.

I have also developed a degree of social anxiety - which i never had before !

Anyway, enough of me feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity !

Anyones experience or suggestions would be apperiated ! ( I have really bad spelling - so apologies!)

[StarSparkle]

Good news that ur session went well wiggleit ! Its good that you are seeing some hope despite feeling depressed - it meanws you have something to aim for ! Well done for being positive !

It has been another sunny day ! I went on a mission for some hanging baskets but was dissapointed to find that the local woolies had sold out ! Ha ha..... gwad i sound so boring !

I think the majority of society dont understand mental illness at all..... u always get comments such as ' pull yourself out of it' or 'everyone has down days!'. I know this sounds alwful but no one would ever say that to someone who was suffering a long term physical illness, they would go out of their was to support them. I understand that the statement might sound callous but i often feel i cant tell those closest to me the exent of my depression as am worried they may brush it off or feel im being weak !

Well, feeling much better 2day and glad there are u guys just to chat to about it ! Nothing like having a good moan to others who have been there ! Hope u r all feeling ok ! xx

[wiggleit]

Hi SS.. Glad you sounding happier hun..the sun helps doesn't it? Understand where you are coming from and your comment doesn't sound harsh at all, it's very true. I too don't tell people how bad i really feel coz know i won't be met with much understanding, then that'll make me worse! My DH knows how bad i am, but that's coz he lives with me and sees me at my worst. He is very good with me though, he would do anything to make me right.

You sound like a bit of a gardener...i need some inspiration for mine, i'm supposed to be designing it but am not getting very far! And you DON'T sound boring, stop putting yourself down! (I know it's what we do best!) xx

[StarSparkle]

Hee hee ! Maybe i've got green fingers ! This is our first place with a garden and when the sun shines i am really enjoying it ! Its nice to have a space to escape to so you dont feel so hemmed in ! We used to live in a flat ova a cafe and in the summer u started feel very closed in !

I also feel that sunny days make me feel happier.... however rainy, dark days make me feel worse ! But i guess that is just what everyone feels, depression or not !

Your DH sounds really supportive ! My DP trys to support me, but in the end he just calls me mad or a nutter. I know that sounds harsh but he has been with me for 8 yrs and given me our beautiful DD, and i really do believe that living with someone with long term depression must be very testing !

[Eve34]

Evening ladies, glad you have had a good day, SS anytime you want some land to potter in my small garden is open to you to tinker in....
Been working today - strange how I can pull myslef together for that - just fall apart at 5pm.... been to the park again after work with DS he is now sound a sleep.
In the nicest way it is good to know others share the guilt and pressure of not telling others. I just don't see how they can help, and I really don't want others to make a fuss. Hope to get hospital appoinment next time I see my GP - really want to do all I can to get through this.

[Divastrop]

hello ladies

wiggleit-good that your session went well.sometimes it can help just to know youve made that first step.

its true tat often only tose who live with us know the full extent of how we are.i dont know about anyone else but i tend to down play things to the doctor so i dont sound like im not coping,as i have this fear that social services will turn up at my door.i only have one friend who knows about my depression as i met her a PND support group so we talk about stuff like that.anyone who doesnt know her that well would think she is always jolly and happy.i try to hide how i feel but i dont do that good a job alot of the time.

i went to my self-esteem group therapy today after 4 weeks of it being cancelled.it was helpful to get my thoughts back on track,as i had been doing pretty well untill 2 weeks ago.

[StarSparkle]

Glad that this thread keeps going ! Seems that there are some of us around who are going thru the same thing ! Nice to know that i'm not the only one who feels guilt all the time in every aspect that i do.
Diva S... i also play down my feelings when i go to the doc as am so scared of them thinking i cant cope !

I feel if i amit to my 'dark feelings' that in some respect i am being a bad mother.
DivaS, glad u are finding your group useful, well done... self esteem is very hard to regain if you have lost it..... what do u mean about doing well untill 2 wks ago ?

[sasquatch]

Hi, can I join you ?
I am very glad to see this thread.
I am a long term sufferer too since my teens. I have one son but didnt have pnd, my next depression occured after he was three. I have been on and off ads for the last 10 years, currently on 125mg of imipramine. Seen clinical psychologist, counsellors,cbt,and two groups, for quite a length of time. The second group is just coming to an end after a year and yet again I feel I am no further on. The longer it goes on the more depressing it gets. I am into my forties now and really beginnig to see depression as shaping the rest of my life; ie: if I dont get back to work soon will I ever?

I will try and keep up with this thread, but do have commitment issues!

[Eve34]

sasquatch good to see you - the more the merrier, I am feeling a bit brighter this week, just knowing I am not alone, so try and stick with us. Do you feel any of the help you have had has made a differnece?

I am off work today so will go into town and do a few bits and pieces DS just playing with his cars so having a slow morning - my fav kind of day.

[sasquatch]

Hi eve, thanks for the welcome.
I think some of my therapy has given me more insight into my problems and how to manage them, the cbt was a waste of time for me. However, I have never been able to confront the root of things I think.

I'm currently on an aggressive drug therapy for a physical health problem, and one of the main side effects is depression, so I get double whammy. Feeling ok today so far though, glad you are too. I am going into town with a friend to shop, get a birthday pressie for ds next week, and avoid the college work I am meant to do by tuesday.
It seems that all I do is worry about not getting stuff done and not doing it recently!

Can I say re; the opening post, there is also a history of depression in my family and my gp has told me I could well be on ad's all my life. Joy.

[Eve34]

Don't think you should see that as a negative, I am happy to have to take Ad for as long as necessary, if I knew they were making a difference, I just always seem so down, and so damn tired, I slept for 4 hours yesterday and went to bed at ten til 8.

[stillfatbutlostabitnow]

Hi have just joined. Have read through your posts. Sounds so like me! I always felt different at school, but then who doesn't? That's what I kept getting told, even into my twenties. I still feel like an angst-ridden teenager and i'm in my 30s now. I take DD to toddler groups, and then analyse every single conversation I've had with people when I'm on my way home. I'm avoiding a good friend with her DD as her DD just winds me up ( I know this is so horrible as she's only 2 same as mine) and I just find it so stressful being near her.She had tried to understand how I feel (not about her DD!!)but if I talk to her I just feel worse as she doesn't feel like that. I see her looking skinnier than me now she's pregnant again and I'm still trying to lose the flab. She (very nicely) criticises what I do with my DD for potty training when in actual fact, I can see she is going to have problems soon with her DD and I can't tell her in the way I want as she will take it wrong and then we will fall out. Deep breath now......! Anyway, I have to avoid her until I feel I can talk like a a sensible person and when she says hi how are you, I know I can't tell her that although I have a perfect DD who sleeps 12 hrs, is beautiful and well behaved and clever, knows to do wees in potty, a helpful DH, I still have days where I don't want to be here any more. I'm on the counselling list but can't take DD with me, have got no-one to look after her for the appt and I don't think I can wait much longer. Have heard so many horrble stories bout ADs that don't want them. Some days are such a struggle and I don't know why. Other people seem to cope OK. I wish I'd looked at a thread like this before. Maybe I'm not so much on my own?

[StarSparkle]

Hey still ! Welcome ! You sound like me ! I always analyze evey convostaion i have - then think 'oh my god ! Why the hell did i say that - bet they think i'm a right werdio' Its getting so bad i have found myself thinking about how i acted with the casiher whilst shopping ! I keep thinking @they think im a right nutter, they proberly talk about me and laugh! eventhough these people dont know me from adam and prob have much better things to do in their spare time!

Well done on the potty training, my DS is almost 2 and half, and despite my best efforts still refuses to come out of nappies !

Is;nt annoying when after babies some mums seem to just lose the pounds? I managed to get down to my original weight (basically as was stressing so much wasnt eating well) however, doint be fooled, my belly is very saggy and so many strech marks it looks like the underground map ! Not nice and i hate it ! Do you have any other friends to talk to if u feel uncomfy around the friend u meantioned ? I dont have any friends with babies/children and very few friends anyway. I often feel very isolated as my life just has my DS and DP in it, noone to moan about how hard it is to be a mum !

I too struggle to cope, some days re good, others are horrid. I also look at others ane think, why can they be so happy and cope, whats there serect !

Well, i'll stop waffling on now ! Hope all that have bbeen using this thread are feeling ok today !

[StarSparkle]

ooopppssss just realised i put DS when i have a DD...... silly me !

[sasquatch]

Hi stillfat and everyone
I've just got up from the sofa been there since 2.30. Ds made his own pasta and ate it alone. I am feeling terribly guilty that I am ruining his birthday and I do this every year. All to do with my own feelings of inadequacy and I am making it his problem.

Eve, I dont mind taking the ad's generally, but am feeling pretty low on this other heavy medication. They are monitoring my mood as I have this underlying depression, but I dont want to complain to much for fear of them taking me off it.

Analysing anything and everything usually over here too,

Hope everyone here finds support and has a good w/end

[stillfatbutlostabitnow]

Hey Sparkle, I bet you've not given yourself that name for nowt. Bet you are really as others would see you, which is a sociable, chatty person. I have dealt with the public most of my working life and you can very easily tell if someone is 'not all there' for want of a better phrase! They usually smell and are escorted off the premises muttering to themselves about the end of the world being upon us, or something. I think it's probably true that most people go through episodes in their lives where they live in a darked place for a bit. Some move out and some don't. I do think that just because they haven't yet doesn't mean that they can't. I sometimes feel I'm in a cul-de-sac and there's only one way out. I don't mean what you might think I mean, I just mean that I will have to go back out the way i came in, facing demons and the rest of it. I don't feel strong enough right now, but I'm sure I will at some point, with or without help and I'm sure everyone else will too. Sometimes we don't realise how far we've come. It's a shame you don't have anyone in your area. I have gone to toddler groups, etc. I found 1 where evryone is lovely, and have been to some that are just crap. Have you tried seeing if there are any other mums in your area? There's the meet-up board. You're not in Kent are you?

[stillfatbutlostabitnow]

Oh yes, and hi to everyone else. Seems we are not alone after all - hooray for moral support!!

[StarSparkle]

Hey still ! No im not in kent, i'm in surrey. Currently up at the mo as dd has woke up and has been sick 3 times ! Great ! So just spent the last hour washing the carpet and looking after DD !

I am really paraniod therefore go to only one toodler group a week !

I have had depression for 13 yrs and have been living in a dark place since then . I have no reasons why i am like this.... so guess its some sort of chemical imbalance thing !

I have dark thoughts all the time but have learnt to suppress them.

Hope all that use the tread are feeling okay ! Glad we have a place to unload are feelings/problems to others that have been there .

[Divastrop]

still-is there a sure start where you are?the one where i am pays for nursery places for some people who need respite or some time to themselves etc.if there was something like that where you are you might be able to get some childcare while you go to councelling.

starsparkle-my dd2 is 2.6 and i havent tarted potty training yet.my dd1 was 2.10 when she was out of nappies and the boys were both about 2.7-2.8(i have 5 children btw).

i thought i was the only person who analysed every conversation as well.when i feel really bad i just avoid talking to people altogether so i dont have to bother beating myself up about how stupid i sounded

i had a bad couple of weeks cos of half term and also the problems with my dd1 and the girls who live round here.

[StarSparkle]

Hey Diva. Your not the only one who analyizes every convosation you have ! I do it all the time ! I get so worked up about it. For example my DD has an innocent heart murmur and everytime we go to the hospital for a check up i thiink the doctors are judging me and when the ask me questions i think they are testing if im a good mother.. also i think they look at me and see how lovely and bright my DD is and think that i don't derseve such a lovely DD. Sounds crazy but thats how i feel !

Sounds like u are stressing out at the mo, don't worry too much and just focus on being postive... i know it sounds fillpant but if i didnt try to get above things, i prob be much worse than i am now ! Hope u guys that use this thread are feeling ok !

[Eve34]

Morning all, welcome stillfat - like the name by the say. Sounds like you have had a tough time. Sure when the time is right you will be able to face it and get back to where you want to be.

It is like listening to myself, guilt, not wanting to go out where I might have to talk to people, re living every conversation I have had... wow I am not alone.

So where is everyone - I am in Hampshire.

Not such a good night yesterday. DP came home made a mess and couldn't find the remotes - called me stupid for him not being able to find them. Funny how one word can push me right back. I know he doesn't mean it, he is as fed up with me as I am.

So a better day today I hope - sun is out so have made a picnic....

[sasquatch]

Hi eve, hope you have a nice picnic. I am in central London. I have to do some college work today and try and make a dinner and get ds a birthday present.

I started yesterday positively, but soon wore out. Today too, I am often overwhelmed by the thought of all the things I have to do [i wonder if its all that much at all?].

Anyone else get that? maybe, if you have 5 kids Diva! i only have one.

[Eve34]

Sasquatch - hope you got your work done, I am doing a presentation on Tuesday and as yet still have not organised anything, well hey I have monday to work on it. Not like me to leave it til the last min, but I really can't be arsed.

Well we went to HMS collingwood summer show, had a good time caught the sun, off to visit family tomorrow - 70 of them..... deading it.

Will report back on how it goes. x

[wiggleit]

Hi everyone! Gorgeous day init? I've just come on the computer for a bit of shade!

This thread is so helpful, it's good to know you are not alone. I can relate to most of what you all say. My depression seems to stem from an iffy relationship with my Dad and also my sister. Always feel inadequate. It has severely affected my self esteem and confidence and how i think people view me. I beat myself up about everything and ananylize things to death, including conversations as some of you have said you do.

I'm lucky that i have a good network of friends and a very supportive DH. I must do all their heads in at times!

Anyway, the sun is shining so lets enjoy it and be positive and know that we all are friends on here and will help each other through. Lotsa love xx

[TinkerbellesMum]

I haven't read the whole thread but I do sympathise with you. I have been under a psychiatrist for behavioural reasons since I was 4 and diagnosed around 13 years ago with depression, although I was a "moody teenager" too and had bad PMT with a reverse cycle (three weeks on and one off) for a lot of my teen years. I've not been able to work for 10 years because I've been so bad.

I found that antidepressants make me feel ill, I've had some I've reacted to. Counselling doesn't seem to help. The only thing that ever did was being on the pill, but I'm not allowed that now because I'm a high risk for clots.

I've just made a post about finding out my secret diagnosis. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and in a way it is a relief to know I'm not just depressed, cause I don't actually feel "depressed" in fact any feelings would be nice!

I wish I had some solutions for you, but getting a firm diagnosis may be helpful to you, if you know what is wrong you can work with it. Ask them what is wrong with you, tell them that "long term depression" is a cop out (on their behalf).

[sasquatch]

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all enjuying the sun!
I got a good bit of work done this morning and took ds to the cinema as promised, so a good day here.

tink, I had really bad pms and being on the pill has helped my mood, but I am on ad's as well.

How did you find your dx? My hospital letters say I have Depressive disorder NEC, but have also heard recurrent depressive disorder used.

I know my problem come from my parents difficult split and my mother abandoning the family home when I was a young child. I believe she has had some mental health problems . I was moved around and felt unwanted I suppose. I have never plucked up courage to confront her as it is still too painful.

Hey ho!

Anyway, we struggle on, glad to have found others here to share with.