Fed up with long term depression ! ( Long... and prob tedious!)

[StarSparkle]

Hi,

Does anyone have any tips on coping with long term depression ?

I have been living with clinical depression for 13 years and I am getting a bit fed up with it ! I feel mine is some sort of chemical imbalance as long term depression ( anxitey, bi polar, panic attacks and dependance) runs in my mothers side of the family.

I'n the last 13 years i have been to 2 different councillors, one who tryed to put answers in my mouth and the other who was a mental health assessor. Both were completely unhelpful and seemed to only think mental illness only derives from life experience.

I always have dark thoughts, but as i have lived with it for so long have trained myself to deal with them. I have a had few v minor breakdowns only lasting a few days/weeks. I have taken overdoses 3 times in my teens and had to go to a&e. I also have self harmed (in my teens for 3 yrs).

I often have feelings of cutting myself but since then but have only done it a handful of times in the last 7 years.

I have also developed a degree of social anxiety - which i never had before !

Anyway, enough of me feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity !

Anyones experience or suggestions would be apperiated ! ( I have really bad spelling - so apologies!)

[TinkerbellesMum]

I had a new doctor who hadn't read my notes before I went in. She was flicking through them and I was watching (not sure if that's naughty or not) as she did and saw "Diagnosis: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder" which I found out is another term for BPD, there was another diagnosis under it, but it took me all my time to work that bit out with the distance and angle I was reading at.

I was gutted when I found out I wouldn't be able to go back on the pill. I've been on it most of the time from when I was 13 and this is the longest I've been off of it.

[Eve34]

Evening all, family do went well, DP pissed as a fart and sleep on the sofa now. Thinking of leaving him there all night, but he has to go to work at 6.30. HA HA.

Do was lovely, I guess I too have those feelings of not coming up to the mark, others in my family have been very fortuante in life and have made huge successes of themseleves - not that I am not a success- I am just average - If you lind us all up in a row i would be at the end of the row - less well off, fatest, hols - nil simple house, car etc.

I do count my blessings but it maybe the root of why I feel the way I do? As I can't put my finger on it.

Anyway enough of the therapy, working tomorrow..... yuk.

Hugs to all

[StarSparkle]

Hello everyone !

Glad to see that people are finding this thread useful as a 'off-loading' thing ! It's good to get it off your chest as i find myself disparing with my feelings if i don't !

Its good to have a place to talk honestly about the way we feel and how mental illness has effected our lives.

Its very interesting to hear everyones stories and how what they think has contributed to their depression.

I often feel im worth nothing and look at my family, friends and people in general and think tthat they have made a sucess of their lives whilst im constantly underacheieving and am wasting mine !

On a brighter note, i did enjoy the sun today and me and DP spent some time with DD making her playhouse in the garden look nice !

Hope all u guys are feeling ok !

[Divastrop]

hello all

tinkerbellesmum-whenever i look at the computer screen at the gp's all it says is 'stress-related problem'ok,i have been stressed out for 14 years?!

my childhood wasnt awful or antything,but my dad died when my mum was pregnant with me so there must have been alot of sadness when i was a baby,plus i was always 'different' because i didnt have a dad.

i still feel like i dont fit in.the neighbours were all out drinking and having a barbeque yesterday and i just stood over with my kids thinking 'how do they do that?they have only known each other a few months and they are all chatting and laughing and i bet they're not thinking "oooh,i shouldnt have said that,oooh,i feel silly now,they are going to think im weird/bitchy/moany/freaky"'

i feel so bad for my 9 year old daighter though,as she gets picked on by the other girls and i cant help thinking its my fault

glad to hear others are enjoying the sunshine

im off to make a doctors appointment.i started a thread a few days ago about feeling emotionless on AD's.i dont know whats wrose,feeling depressed or feeling nothing.

[TinkerbellesMum]

Wow, that could have been written by me! Having a premature baby I'm not part of an "antenatal group" (going to ask to go to one early next time ) and like you, I can't barge my way into a group and just make them accept me, so I end up being left out at stay and play groups and the mums are telling their children to be careful with Tink because she's so small

All that I've ever seen about me is "depression", it's what's written on sick notes when I'm randomly asked for one. It was only peeking at my notes I saw they had diagnosed me with something else. I'd seriously advise anyone with "long term depression" for a proper diagnosis, there has to be a reason you don't get better. They call depression "the common cold of mental health", would you accept being told you had a "long term common cold" for 14 years?

[Eve34]

Afternoon all,

well there seems to be some common issues with us lot, Gulit, not fitting in, some family displacement for some - thinking through every conversation we have.

And there was thinking I was all alone. Well it has been two weeks since they up my Ad to 40mg. And I feel a little brighter today, but think I will still press to go to the hospital, there has to be something unresolved there?

Anyway meant to be working, ta ta for now.x

[sasquatch]

Hi everyone,

Diva - that's me with the neighbours as well!
I usually am friendly enough to start with in new situations, then do or say something I regret, that they ppobably dont notice or care that much about, then I retreat and give up, watching others be so much more sucessful than me.
And I so sympathise with you and your daughter getting picked on, my ds was always picked on and ended up being diagnosed with Aspergers, but he seems so mildly affected, I used to, and still do think its because of me that he cant make or keep friends.

Even to the point I dont trust his diagnosis, I feel like a fraud and think people will think I am making his difficulties up and its some kind of munchhausen syndrome. Or all my projection.

God, I hate being depressed!

[StarSparkle]

Hey Eve, tink and diva,

Tink - my DD is also small for her age (but she wasn't prem she was overdue) Despite a good birth weight of 8lbs 4oz she is very skinny. So much so that when it was found she had a heart murur and had to have a hospital appointment the doctor picked up on the fact that she was pale, skinny and tall ! She can still fit into 9-12 mth clothes round the wasit despite being 2 and half yrs old ! This made me feel that i was failing as a mum and for a while i was totally obessed with her being skinny. However we have been back to the hosp and the doctor now beleives she is always going to be very slim as skinnyness runs in both mine and my DP's families . I have also had depression for almost 14 yrs and have no reason why i have it. I just do and it can be very upsetting.

Diva... I also cant bring myself to join in things such as neigbours get-togethers. I feel that if i do they will be bitching about me when i'm not there and laughing at me ! Also feel like u that i can't understand how they are so comfy in each others company despite not knowing each other for long !

Eve... glad u are finding your AD's useful and hope u will continue to feel better ! Press for the hosp appointment if u feel it wil be benefical as u are the only one who can judge what u need in regards to your depression.

I dear..... sorry, didnt mean to write a novel...... take care all !

[TinkerbellesMum]

I think it's been conditioned into us that it is a bad mood because of something that's happened and not necessarily something really going wrong inside our body like any other illness. Mental health is rather taboo in our society and widely misunderstood.

Personally I think that if it's been going on for years then it is a physical problem not just circumstantial and I can see you're all saying that you didn't have a bad childhood or you don't have a reason. I think a lot of these get put under a broad heading of "depression" and any attempt to question it is part of your depression.

Change of subject slightly, has anyone found themselves being treated as a mental health patient for anything that goes wrong. "Ingrowing toenail? It's in your head".

I went to the GP because I didn't agree with my obstetrician that I didn't need Heparin (I've already lost one baby, so logically, whatever the numbers say, I'm bad enough to lose another). He was great, got me a referral to another obstetrician and eventually through that I got onto Heparin. However, the next time I went to the GP I saw what he had written about the visit. He said how I felt, I looked at the floor a lot, how I seemed!

[StarSparkle]

Hey Tink... i also feel that mental health is taboo and very misunderstood in our society. I've always been the one amogst my siblings that has been seen by imeidate and extending family as 'the one with the problem'.
I also feel that i cant talked to my GP confidently as he's been my gp since i was young, when i was in my teens and took overdoses and cut myself, i feel he is judging me even if i go in for something like a cold and is looking for signs that i have finally lost the plot !

[Eve34]

SS - that must be so hard, maybe a new GP would give you more confidence.

Tink thank you for that, I have tried to find a reason for things, but as you say it could just be something from within.

Diva, I am like that with my own family, at the BBQ yesterday I just didn't know what to say even to my sister - just asked about her work, weather and family stuff - although we have never been close it just gets harder with all of them.

I am facing my fears tomorrow - doing a presentation for work to 50+ people, just want tog et it over and done with now.

[wiggleit]

Hi everyone! Eve - how did your presentation go? You are very brave! Good on yer! Well done

I kind of agree with some of the things said on here about mixing with people. But i do try and make an effort to be friendly and sociable when i'm not feeling too bad. If i'm in a proper dark mood then i just shut myself off from the world and don't answer the door or the telephone. Most of the time though i am ok around people although i do struggle to find stuff to talk about and wonder what people think of me.

How is everyone today? xx

[Eve34]

Wiggleit - It went really well I think - got my message across and was pleased with how it went. I like to face my fears to be honest - challenge myself.

How are you doing - hope you are making the most of this great weather.

Everyone ready for fathers day????????

[TinkerbellesMum]

I try sometimes to mix, but I've had problems so long that even at primary school I didn't mix well (was very popular at nursery, all went wrong from Bottom Infants) so I don't know how to now.

I've been to the housing association today to talk about setting up a resident's association. Even though I'm not good at mixing I tend to be good at doing something like this where it's a set topic and I guess I can prepare what to say, if that makes sense. They're happy with my ideas so it looks like I'll be in charge of this project, which includes a newsletter and a BBQ at the end of July! They've also asked if I will be on the editorial panel for the HA's own newspaper and on the resident's board. By the sound of it he had put me forward without asking! If he had remembered my name the people he spoke to would have probably been as enthusiastic as I'm well known there. I was in reception when one of the higher managers came to talk to me, usually I end up standing there with a managing director talking to me! Funny how I can chat with an MD but can't socialise

Star, there are so many of us in my family that it's almost seen the same way. It's not important, it's just one of those things and sympathy can sometimes be very lacking.

Eve, it's one of my pet hates that mental health is seen as "all in the head" when there are physical causes too. Tink's great-nan had a water infection last year, she was seeing people in her room and didn't recognise anyone, it's quite common with UTI's in older people, but it's also a good illustration of how mental illness can have a physical cause. I like to think of it like diabetes, that there is a chemical the body can't control properly and the symptoms are shown in the mood and behaviour of the sufferer.

[Eve34]

TBM - that sounds a really great thing to do - you are focused on a task and will help you to get to know a few more people - I can mix when working - I can talk all day, but in a social setting I just clam up - although this is new too me, I use to be the life and sole of the place, chatting away with different folk, but I was younger then and could get away with a bit of check.

[TinkerbellesMum]

I've done it before, although I was part of a team before(!), which is why they know me there and why I have the ideas and drive to do it again. We had a great community centre going and lots happening all the time. It went down hill when I left and apparently there's only three left now (the guy I saw today was at a RA meeting with them yesterday).

I'm determined to get it going, there is a bungalow we can have and I want to turn into a community centre, eventually we will apply for a grant to pay for a centre manager - which of course I will have already proven myself on Once I have worked six months if I end up back on the sick I will be able to get IB and that means we could afford to live together. I plan to get P&C groups going, so I will be able to do most of it with a baby in tow.

Mwahaha my plan for world domination!

I think the difference at work from home is that you're not socialising at work, you talk about something you all understand are equal on. The lines are probably mostly rehearsed from saying them in some form over again. It's easy!

[wiggleit]

Eve - well done for your presentation. Glad it went well. You have more guts than me! x

Good on you TBM! Sounds like you have fire in your belly too. Go for it! x

[Eve34]

Thank yo wiggleit - it is new to me, trust me 6 months ago I would of never done it. Just very comfortable with my subject area and can waffle on forever.

TBM - that sounds really great, a really positive thing to do for you and the community. Hope it all comes together for you, sure patience and hard work will pay off in the end. Well done you x

[wiggleit]

Eve - but it also takes confidence and self esteem to stand in front of loads of people and talk, no matter how well you know your subject it can still be hard..well done you! xx

[TinkerbellesMum]

I know what you mean Eve, when you know something really well you can talk for hours on it, you can forget all else and your confidence on the subject can over ride your own personal confidence.

GTG hospital transport here

[StarSparkle]

Hey all ! Hows everyone feeling 2day ? Hope everyone is feeling okay !

[Eve34]

Evening all, What a pants day, had a parcel being collected any time today - up at 8 waiting, finally came at 2.30.....DS was going nuts, really wanted to be out of the house, even the garden wasn't good enough - so glad we got out eventually. DP is fishing again tonight, came home at 10.30 last night - I went to bed early and made the most of it.

[StarSparkle]

Hey eve ! My DP just the same ! Hes always going off to get some space and following his hobby. My DP is a body builder and is competely focused on it ! Not that i get anytime to myself - wish i did and sometimes need to just chill out on my own without any responsibilities ! I know what its like waiting for something which means you cant get out the house with a bored child ! It drives me mad when the gas reading guy susspose to come and they give you a time period of 9 - 5 !

[StarSparkle]

Hey eve ! My DP just the same ! Hes always going off to get some space and following his hobby. My DP is a body builder and is competely focused on it ! Not that i get anytime to myself - wish i did and sometimes need to just chill out on my own without any responsibilities ! I know what its like waiting for something which means you cant get out the house with a bored child ! It drives me mad when the gas reading guy susspose to come and they give you a time period of 9 - 5 !

[wiggleit]

Evening ladies! How is everyone tonight? xx