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in your opinion/if you have it or have family members, friends, colleagues or a partner/ex-partner with it, does BPD deserve the negative representation it often gets as a condition, in the popular media and also in real life ?

145 replies

Nonoanddefintelyno · 01/09/2025 21:59

I read somewhere that bpd can be compared to having full thickness, raw burns all over ones body as a representation of how it feels for people with BPD to try and get through a day where the otherwise smallest social interaction, look or body language change, can cause genuine alarm, fear of abandonment or provoke intense anger in someone with the condition. I imagine it must be really shitty to deal with as the sufferer and i generally feel like virtually everyone with BPD has developed the condition because they have been exposed to or have had to experience a higher number of traumatic life events compared to the general population. Ive often heard BPD be described as the form of PTSD that never actually got diagnosed so it just turned into BPD because it wasnt recognized that it started as PTSD initially

OP posts:
MaryMungoMidgley · 02/09/2025 13:11

I'm inclined to view it as a personality type rather than a mental health condition because it's not something you can be cured of 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jamjams · 02/09/2025 13:15

I have been diagnosed with both ASD and BPD in the past three years. I have had constant trauma and quite serious abuse pretty much my whole life. Because I never had the help I needed from anyone I am now beyond help I think.
I tried to speak to a therapist about not being sure about having a personality disorder. She barely knew me but said to me, 'no, you are autistic and have trauma' She also asked me if I was manipulative and attention seeking. It was almost as if she was saying Autism/trauma 'good person, and BPD 'bad person' ?

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 13:58

Wimble2 · 02/09/2025 11:42

I suggest you take another look at the diagnostic criteria as stated in ICD.

Nowhere in the diagnostic criteria is relational harm mentioned.

Difficulty maintaining relationships is mentioned, but this is also true of diagnostic criteria for many other conditions

Relational harm is not a criteria for BPD diagnosis.

And this is exactly why this thread is so damaging. It is full of misinformation.

From the NHS website:

"When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. You may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

  • constantly texting or phoning a person
  • suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
  • physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
  • making threats to harm or kill yourself if that person ever leaves you

Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger. You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse."

All of those things are abusive and distressing to the person on the other end of the situation.

You can feel sympathy for the perpetrator and recognise it's not their fault but it doesn't alter the fact that you experience the effects of abuse from this happening to you.

The delusional thinking can make it worse. My SIL has made several very serious false allegations of abuse against partners, ex-partners and relatives, including me, spreading rumours, posting online, contacting social services, and even in some cases trying to prosecute. I am not sure whether she actually believes those things happened. If she does, that's very sad for her, but nowhere near as sad as it has been for the many innocent people whose lives she has attempted to ruin.

You can't expect people just say, "Oh yes, I had to move house because she told all the neighbours I drugged and beat her, my child is traumatised from having social services turn up and grill them after she made up a story I'd abused them, then she contacted the police and said I raped her and I'm now on bail whilst they investigate, but she can't help it, poor thing. We must be sympathetic."

SIL had an absolutely dreadful childhood, the cruelty was off the charts. But right now she is coming up 50 and she's a huge risk to other people. What are we supposed to do?

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 14:12

JustFrustrated · 02/09/2025 01:01

Id never expect sympathy from any victim towards any perpetrator. Ever.

However, you cannot, just cannot, label every single person with a diagnosis as being "the same". You couldn't do it for any other illness, so why BPD?

There are many, many people with BPD for whom recovery is an option. With the right care, support and focus thru can, and do, love normal, fulfilling and productive lives where they don't harm anyone..

There isn't a single other illness where people are allowed to be marginalised and discussed as though they are less than. As with all illnesses it is different for everyone, and I am heart sorry, genuinely for those that have been victims and the abusers used BPD as an excuse. But it is just that, an excuses, not a cause.

Yes there is.

It applies to pretty much all personality disorders, anti-social, narcissistic etc.

Psychopaths and sociopaths get a similarly bad rep.

Plethorapeach · 02/09/2025 14:18

somethingnewandexciting · 02/09/2025 11:36

To be fair I do think this is true of a lot of people who don't have a PD. A very "normal" ex of mine was dating women in their early 20s when he was mid 40's, cheated on a long term partner with a family member of his (which he never disclosed to her) and remains friends pretending to be a support to her and confidant. He has never ever once reflected on his behaviours and how they hurt people around him and is anti-therapy yet continues to date people and cause havoc in other people's lives. He once said to me "why do women always want the bad guys?" not recognising himself at all.

At least most of the people with BPD I know have engaged with therapy at some point. It's obviously better for them and people around them if they keep going but at least they have some awareness they need help. I say that having had the father of my child stalk me and try to take my child away from me through the Court system - despite having multiple current addictions.

Honestly none of that is behaviour from a person with a healthy personality.

youalright · 02/09/2025 16:10

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 14:12

Yes there is.

It applies to pretty much all personality disorders, anti-social, narcissistic etc.

Psychopaths and sociopaths get a similarly bad rep.

Psychopaths and sociopaths aren't even a diagnosis but I agree all people with personality disorders are treat like shit

youalright · 02/09/2025 16:12

Jamjams · 02/09/2025 13:15

I have been diagnosed with both ASD and BPD in the past three years. I have had constant trauma and quite serious abuse pretty much my whole life. Because I never had the help I needed from anyone I am now beyond help I think.
I tried to speak to a therapist about not being sure about having a personality disorder. She barely knew me but said to me, 'no, you are autistic and have trauma' She also asked me if I was manipulative and attention seeking. It was almost as if she was saying Autism/trauma 'good person, and BPD 'bad person' ?

Because thats exactly what everyone thinks and its wrong. Maybe people with bpd would act nicer if others didn't treat them so badly

youalright · 02/09/2025 16:14

MaryMungoMidgley · 02/09/2025 13:11

I'm inclined to view it as a personality type rather than a mental health condition because it's not something you can be cured of 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is very few mental or physical illnesses you can be cured from. A medical condition can be treated and managed but rarely cured.

LarryUnderwood · 02/09/2025 16:20

My stepmum was finally diagnosed with BPD in her 80s, after a childhood of dreadful abuse and an adulthood of wreaking havoc with the lives of everyone close to her whilst refusing any help. On an intellectual level I understand she is unwell and I can recognise that she is deeply in need of sympathy. As a person who was once a child in her care, I wish that she had never been part of my or any of my family's life. She was ruinous - her need for attention, help, support was a bottomless pit, and her lack of empathy and inability to control her anger and fear made her a source of terror for me for decades. People with complex mental health conditions are deserving of support, help and love. But people around them have a right to protect themselves as well. I am autistic - I can see nothing of my condition in her behaviour. They are quite quite different.

Onlyseeingitnow · 02/09/2025 16:30

youalright · 02/09/2025 16:14

There is very few mental or physical illnesses you can be cured from. A medical condition can be treated and managed but rarely cured.

What nonsense!

youalright · 02/09/2025 17:00

Onlyseeingitnow · 02/09/2025 16:30

What nonsense!

How is that nonsense. Diabetes, asthma, heart failure, high blood pressure, hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism, parkinsons, copd, etc etc etc

MaryMungoMidgley · 02/09/2025 17:23

youalright · 02/09/2025 16:14

There is very few mental or physical illnesses you can be cured from. A medical condition can be treated and managed but rarely cured.

I have recovered from numerous illnesses, thanks for confirming that I am a miracle✊😎

youalright · 02/09/2025 17:24

MaryMungoMidgley · 02/09/2025 17:23

I have recovered from numerous illnesses, thanks for confirming that I am a miracle✊😎

That why I said very few and not none

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2025 17:28

I have ASPD, I have never admitted it in real life apart from to 1 friend (who actually suggested it) and then I got a diagnosis.
In old language I am what would be called a Sociopath BUT I am not a danger to anyone and actually can be very nice (if it suits me). In fact because I know that my instincts are wrong and unacceptable in society I am probably a better human being than most if I am judged solely on my actions.
I have admitted it on here before and was told my DC hated me and I was ruining their lives amongst other things.

Onlyseeingitnow · 02/09/2025 18:27

youalright · 02/09/2025 17:24

That why I said very few and not none

What nonsense!!

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 02/09/2025 18:53

youalright · 02/09/2025 16:12

Because thats exactly what everyone thinks and its wrong. Maybe people with bpd would act nicer if others didn't treat them so badly

So it's the fault of the person being abused for not being 'nice enough'?
This thread is concerning,especially with people saying they are mh professionals, and telling people who've been abused that they are disgusting for not centering their abuser.

Thattimeofthenight · 02/09/2025 18:55

youalright · 02/09/2025 16:12

Because thats exactly what everyone thinks and its wrong. Maybe people with bpd would act nicer if others didn't treat them so badly

Maybe they would act nicer if people didn’t treat them so badly?!

hahahahahahahaha!!

”Maybe you wouldn’t have been abused if you’d just been nicer to your abuser.”

😑

Thattimeofthenight · 02/09/2025 18:57

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 02/09/2025 18:53

So it's the fault of the person being abused for not being 'nice enough'?
This thread is concerning,especially with people saying they are mh professionals, and telling people who've been abused that they are disgusting for not centering their abuser.

My instinct is it’s because it’s mainly women who
are diagnosed with BPD. We just have to be nice to the poor dears. Not their fault.

If it were mainly men the narrative would be different.

My abuser was a man with BPD. He doesn’t deserve one iota of my sympathy. His disordered personality is not my fault.

Thattimeofthenight · 02/09/2025 19:00

Wimble2 · 02/09/2025 11:14

The other day, a thread describing people with ADHD as irritating and annoying for talking a lot about their diagnosis was taken down for being ableist and causing distress.

This thread, describing people with BPD as "nasty, abusive, lying, manipulative, attention seeking, mugs, victim mentality, run for the hills, don't touch them with a ten foot barge pole, deserve negative representation, deserve the reputation, aren't worth the hassle or effort, a fucking nightmare"

Those are all direct quotes.Admin, can you please step in here? Given that a thread that described some people with ADHD as irritating and annoying was taken down, it is hard to see why this thread, describing a different disability in far more disgusting terms, is allowed to stand

Imagine if it was said about any other group of people protected by the Equality Act (because yes, it is a mental illness and a disability, and in law a protected characteristic)

Free speech does not equate to hate speech. Admin, please can you help here?

A symptom of ADHD isn’t abuse of others. It is very often a symptom of BPD.

Thattimeofthenight · 02/09/2025 19:03

youalright · 02/09/2025 10:13

But some people are abusive if your partner had autism or cancer would you say everyone with autism or cancer is abusive

A symptom of autism or cancer is not to abuse people. People with BPD very often abuse others. It’s part and parcel of having a disordered personality.

Posters seem to be happy to pretend that isn’t part of BPD.

bombastix · 02/09/2025 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

youalright · 02/09/2025 19:58

Onlyseeingitnow · 02/09/2025 18:27

What nonsense!!

Its not nonsense its facts

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 20:06

Thattimeofthenight · 02/09/2025 18:57

My instinct is it’s because it’s mainly women who
are diagnosed with BPD. We just have to be nice to the poor dears. Not their fault.

If it were mainly men the narrative would be different.

My abuser was a man with BPD. He doesn’t deserve one iota of my sympathy. His disordered personality is not my fault.

I hear you and I think this thread is quite upsetting for those of us who have been abused by people with BPD and are trying to recover.

I'm not sure what the argument is- that abusive behaviour isn't part of BPD and the verbal and emotional abuse, splitting, rages, false allegations, lies and threatening self-harm and suicide that we've experienced had nothing to do with the fact the perpetrator had BPD and BPD did not cause the behaviour, or that the abuse didn't count because the perpetrator was ill and therefore not in control of their actions and we should have endless sympathy and keep taking it, regardless of what that does to our own mental wellbeing and safety.

It would behove those posters to remember that mental health might not be a person's fault but it is their responsibility.

BaseDrops · 02/09/2025 20:20

People with BPD/EUPD who are not able to consistently manage it are a lot. I have sympathy for people and the damage they sustained to create the diagnosis.

I’ve had up close long term experience and I absolutely would not have anything deeper than acquaintance level with someone who has BPD/EUPD ever again. I do not have the capacity to deal with it and I can’t imagine a scenario where the positives outweigh the negatives.

As far as Autism/ADHD missed and BPd misdiagnosis is concerned of course it’s possible, particularly in women. It’s also not necessarily an either or, it could be “and”. IME actual BPD/EUPD is nothing like ADHD/Autism. Rejection sensitivity disorder versus a triggered bout of rage fuelled paranoid ideation is like the difference between a moderate breeze and a class 5 hurricane.

Thattimeofthenight · 02/09/2025 20:21

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 20:06

I hear you and I think this thread is quite upsetting for those of us who have been abused by people with BPD and are trying to recover.

I'm not sure what the argument is- that abusive behaviour isn't part of BPD and the verbal and emotional abuse, splitting, rages, false allegations, lies and threatening self-harm and suicide that we've experienced had nothing to do with the fact the perpetrator had BPD and BPD did not cause the behaviour, or that the abuse didn't count because the perpetrator was ill and therefore not in control of their actions and we should have endless sympathy and keep taking it, regardless of what that does to our own mental wellbeing and safety.

It would behove those posters to remember that mental health might not be a person's fault but it is their responsibility.

100%

It is sensible to advise avoiding intimate relationships with anyone who has a cluster B personality disorder. If that upsets people with personality disorders, that is not my problem. People have to protect themselves. “But I have BPD and I’m a saint.” Well that’s lovely, but it still doesn’t change my advice to anyone.