Bipolar partner, finding it hard to forget and forgive

[eyeofthundera]

Hello, wondering if anyone can offer any advice. My husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. The last 2 years together have been fairly awful to be honest, so the diagnosis does help explain a lot of the behaviour. We have been together for 15+ years.

In hindsight this has been going on for many years, but definitely the moods have become very high and very low in the last 2 years

In the hypomanic/manic times he has treated me (and the children, to a lesser degree) pretty awfully. He was so irritable and I couldn’t do anything right. I was made to feel pretty worthless.
There has also been financial abuse - at times of high mood spending £10,000-£15000 of our money/savings. In times of low mood so depressed about money that he has withheld money for the children’s birthday presents. He has also moved money around to make it difficult for me to access.
Then I have found out there has been online sexual things been going on - onlyfans sexting girlfriend experiences as an example of this.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has experienced similar and actually moved on/got through it. I would like to hear from people with bipolar to help explain how accountable you are at the time. Every time I try to talk to my husband he shuts down and says he doesn’t remember a lot about these times.

I have so much resentment and it’s hard to separate the illness from him. I’ve lost trust in him, as he has obviously hidden his impulse sexual activity and also hidden a lot of the spending.

You have permission to leave a marriage or relationship with no guilt at any point for any reason.

You do not have to stay and put up with this abusive behviour.

His illness may explain it but it doesn't excuse it. Who wants to be with someone who's financially abusive to his wife and to his children and who cheats online and won't engage in any discussion to help heal the injury he created?

You deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

I'm not revealing too much, but I ended a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with bipolar during our relationship. A round about the two year mark

When he was arrested for drink, driving and then accused of being drunk at work, that was my line

He self medicated with alcohol. I couldn't live like that.

You do have permission to leave a relationship for any reason or no r.eason

You know you don’t have to separate the illness. You can just not want to be with him, bipolar or not.

Treats you and the kids like shit, financially abusive, sexually incontinent? You don’t have to be with him.

I think you should have left years and years ago OP, for the children if not for yourself. I can't imagine the impact this has all had on your kids.

Does it really matter if he was completely unaccountable for the whole of it due to being unwell? It still happened and it still has huge, lasting impact.

He doesn't seem to be very accountable even now he is (presumably) stable, otherwise he wouldn't be shutting you down when you want to speak about it by saying 'he doesn't remember'. He'd be trying to help you make sense of it and listening and trying to reassure and explain it to you.

This is so tough.

Not exactly the same but I was married to my Dh with a different severe MH problem for 14 years.

I’d start by saying that you don’t have to stay. If it’s too hard to get over what happened, you can split.

I was sure at one point that if things continued as they were with Dh stopping his meds, I would stay married but I would live elsewhere. Tbh I don’t know how I would have done that but I would have worked something out. Luckily he started his meds again and didn’t stop until a few days before he sadly died.

If you do stay, for now or for the long term, I’d think about the future. He needs to plan for possible future episodes - and he won’t want to. But it’s non negotiable. You need to be able to shut him off from any reserves of money if he’s manic, but that’s a very big thing to trust others with, so it’s a big conversation on how to do that. Mind might have some advice, or tbh Sane are more helpful for carers. Maybe you need power of attorney for him? Or maybe he could tell his GP they can talk to you about him?

He also needs to think about his triggers and red flag signs. He needs to tell you his thoughts about those. You need to know what his meds are, have a list. I chose to have nothing to do his meds. You might choose together for you to know or be more involved in that. He could also invite you to a consultant psych appointment, if he has any, or to share his medical letters with you.

But as I say, you can walk away.

I genuinely don't understand why you are putting your kids through this. He is abusive toward them and it really doesn't matter if it's because of mental illness or not. It's unacceptable.

Is he taking his meds and engaging with his support team and determined to change things?

I’m bipolar. If you search my name I posted on a thread in the last few days about how you chose to live instead of wanting do die due to awful mental health. May be worth a look. But ultimately, bipolar isn’t a choice. BUT you can choose to engage with support like medication, tlking therapies, clean diet and strict exercise routines to try to help you become a more stable and well rounded person…. Or you can use your illness as an excuse to justify your shitty behaviour and awful treatment of other people. The first way is HARD. You have to hold yourself accountable. You will fail and stumble at times. The second way, it’s much easier. You can go through your entire life treating people like shit with very little effort.

yours sounds like he’s the 2nd type. I was like that for a while. But I knew it couldn’t go on and I was lucky enough to get onto as medical trial and it transformed my life. I’m a a much happier and calmer person and I’ve been married for 20 years. We had ups add downs, especially with my diagnosis in the early days but in so grateful he stuck by me AND that I had the courage to do The Hard Work And improve myself. It’s paid off big time I’m incredibly happy with my life and so is my DH. ( I’m not suggesting you stay with him btw)

Yes, I know this. But good to see it written down, stop me doubting myself.

If I had read someone else writing this, I would be advising the same.

I guess I find it difficult as some of the things he did were just so out of character that I don’t know what caused what.

Yes, he doesn’t feel very accountable at the moment. He has said he will do whatever I need and will do therapy. But has made no positive moves in this direction. He is now becoming down/depressed again.

Has he seen his GP or been in touch with any mental health support if he’s getting down?

Is he taking his meds?

Sorry, maybe didn’t make it clear in first post. He has only been diagnosed 6 months ago, and has been taking his medications every day.
Treating the bipolar has got rid of all the harmful and hurtful behaviours. But he can barely remember a lot of the harm he has done. I remember it all.

If the harmful behaviour is over, give it some time.
You might still feel like leaving after he has proven to be trustworthy..or you might be happier staying.

Doyou need to have some counselling to help you forget and move on?

I think this forward plannning is so essential and yes think power of attorney for both health and money would help me get back some control over the situation.

I suppose the problem is I am still undecided what I can forgive and if me and the children can go through it all again.

Thank you for your measured response. I can tell you can understand how mental health adds difficulties to how you deal with the situation. If there had been no bipolar and this was purely his behaviour, I would leave. But so much of it was out of character that I almost can’t imagine him doing it. It really messes with my own mind if I’m honest.

Yes, I think counselling is probably a good idea. But part of me thinks what’s the point, the harm is too much.
I think that it is worth trying. Just talking about it with someone else will be good.

I’ll have a look for that thread thanks. And thanks for taking the time to answer. He is finding it all difficult to talk about now that he is no longer high. He feels so embarrassed and feels that he has done so much that can’t be repaired.

I think the diagnosis has left him with lots of questions about who he is. What is his actual personality and what was the illness. He says he’s feels broken as he doesn’t know who he is anymore.

He is now taking his medications, and things have improved. But it’s all the harmful behaviour that happened before that is hard to forget. I don’t look at him the same way anymore.

I think if the harmful behaviours can all be directly linked to his condition, then leaving him over it would be a bit harsh. There is a reason why, in traditional wedding vows, we agree to stay with our partners' in sickness and in health' . It is not just for the good times and he would not have been in control of this behaviour.

I agree though, that when he is not low or high, and you can have a sensible conversation, you need to describe/ remind him what happened when he was previously high, and make a robust plan to prevent this. It looks fairly essential that you control the finances for a start, or that big decisions/ spends need both your agreement. Maybe you need an emergency account with several thousand in so that is he is declining to sign something off, you still have access to money.
You need to discuss his tech and if he is happy for you to keep an eye on appropriate usage whilst he is high etc
It is a lot to get past but important to remember he was not well.

I think counselling for you is pretty essential - see your GP. Look for a doctor at your practice with a special interest in mental health maybe. Apart from anything else they will understand what you mean. It is so extraordinary living with someone in an altered mental state. I hadn’t read it for decades but it made me think of Alice Through The Looking Glass - Dh saying and doing the most bizarre, extraordinary things and acting as if it was perfectly normal. Like throwing away all our cushions, or turning the sofa so it blocked the front door, or cycling 50k through the night and arriving at breakfast. I would walk (or climb over the sofa) out of the door to take ds to school and the normal world would be there again and everyone expecting me to do the usual things and it absolutely did my head in.

It’s not about whether it’s harsh to leave him or not, it’s whether you can reasonably be expected to live this way, and the kids too.

OP I’m in a similar situation but with my brother. During his episodes he has said the most disgusting and hurtful things to me. I can’t forgive him, partly because in his ‘normal’ times little bits of nastiness still come out, making me wonder whether what he said during episodes was just an extension of his normal horrible attitude towards me.

Yes, you wonder whether they always think this way but when manic they just say it. Also when someone knows you well, they know just the right (wrong) things to say to upset you.

sorry you are going through this too.

I think it would be ok to not get past it. It must feel a bit like gaslighting, to have everything be normal now and like you have to pretend none of the abuse happened and just move on. Counseling is definitely a good idea.

We've been trying to support a close friend through bipolar and like you and a PP you do see hints of the nasty side when they're stable, I don't think its as simple as the abuse is just the illness. I have another friend with bipolar who is the sweetest person and never abusive.

It's also ok to decide you want to prevent future abuse, even if he complies with everything he can still become manic as meds need adjusting over time. This is happening to our friend right now. You have to put your children first.

If he better when you first met it suggests he does have control and choice. It's fine to javelins in the sand even if there was no control. Eg past living gentle husband gets dementia and hits you of course you not obligated to stay no mater your vows.

He is a whole person. See him as that. And paying a sex worker and financial abuse is part of his "package deal"

Your not a saint. You don't have to be one either

Thanks OP. I agree. My brother hates me because ‘I sectioned him’. He shows it even in normal moments, little put downs, little comments. He’s also become incredibly selfish. My niece had an operation on her back and wanted help getting to and from school. But for my brother that was ‘a guilt trip’ and ‘she was just using him’.

It’s hard on the kids the most - they are the main people in this and by God have my nieces and nephew suffered. They have mental health issues of their own. Not saying that’s what will happen to you and yours of course - just the main thing is for you to do what your gut says. It’s fine to take a break.

for the sake of your kids, it sounds like you'd be better off leaving.