Bipolar partner, finding it hard to forget and forgive

[eyeofthundera]

Hello, wondering if anyone can offer any advice. My husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. The last 2 years together have been fairly awful to be honest, so the diagnosis does help explain a lot of the behaviour. We have been together for 15+ years.

In hindsight this has been going on for many years, but definitely the moods have become very high and very low in the last 2 years

In the hypomanic/manic times he has treated me (and the children, to a lesser degree) pretty awfully. He was so irritable and I couldn’t do anything right. I was made to feel pretty worthless.
There has also been financial abuse - at times of high mood spending £10,000-£15000 of our money/savings. In times of low mood so depressed about money that he has withheld money for the children’s birthday presents. He has also moved money around to make it difficult for me to access.
Then I have found out there has been online sexual things been going on - onlyfans sexting girlfriend experiences as an example of this.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has experienced similar and actually moved on/got through it. I would like to hear from people with bipolar to help explain how accountable you are at the time. Every time I try to talk to my husband he shuts down and says he doesn’t remember a lot about these times.

I have so much resentment and it’s hard to separate the illness from him. I’ve lost trust in him, as he has obviously hidden his impulse sexual activity and also hidden a lot of the spending.

@Lafufufu . I am listening to what you are saying, thank you for reaching out and reminding me of the huge impact it has on my children.

I have only found out six months ago he was bipolar and am still trying to process everything that has happened to us. We are in a period of stability and I am taking this time to plan for the future whatever way that may be.

I have come to the conclusion that staying with him if these behaviours continue is not good for me and the children, but need to give him a chance on medication (which he has not been on before)

I can see how much on a huge impact growing up with a parent with bipolar has had on you- I am listening and will not take this lightly. Thank you for sharing- every little helps me (and my children)

Never said OP would be harsh for leaving him or that she has to stay with him just because he has an illness. Just said that it’s worth exploring all options (but it sounds like she has..) if she had not yet explored other options I think if someone (that you’re married to and have kids with) is ill and is actively trying to do everything they can to help themselves and positive changes can be seen, then they should be supported in doing that. She should not be made to feel guilty about “putting her kids in that situation”. She’s probably doing the best she can to keep her family going, supporting her husband and trying to protect her kids. Breaking up a family isn’t ideal either. It’s a tough decision to make and it sounds like she’s doing a great job in a nightmare situation, by deciding that if she sees further abuse from him she will leave.

@Lafufufu sorry, just read your other message about neglecting the children.

I am up for being challenged on these things- that’s why I started the thread. I need to consider all this when considering the future.

Im sorry that all this happened to you.

This is so hard, I'm sorry you're going through this!

I know when your life is so entangled with someone, it is difficult to have clarity and take a drastic decision. But the advice I tend to give my friends when they ask for my opinions on relationship difficult situations is the following: if this was happening to someone you love, and you were the person looking in and giving them advice... what would you tell them?

If you think you would tell them to protect themselves and leave, then consider why are you not worthy of your own advice.

It is OK to prioritise your happiness... yes, being bipolar is not his fault. But it's also not yours. And you are allowed to want better/more from your partner in life.

Thanks @eyeofthundera
as you can see its highly emotive! 😬
As an adult and mother now I can see just HOW hard it was for my mum. It is so difficult the right decisions arent easy and the fear can hold you.... but as a child it was SO hard too. I was lucky and came out of it a lot better than my siblings...

I am going to warn you (you can Google this as it is a proper thing) bipolars are often non compliant with meds. Even if they take it for a few months they dont "like how it feels" so dont think you can relax if he gets a prescription, bothers to collect it and takes it for a few weeks.

You already point out he is not accountable for his actions.
He agreed to therapy but has done nothing... so his marriage is at risk and he wont bither to make a phone call?

These arent good signs.

i can tell you for free this guy isnt going to take his meds and you are going to be back at square one. He'll then started taking them when you say you are leaving and you'll stay and then he'll get that itch and stop again ...

Get your finances in order i.e. hide money so he cant do something crazy with it.
Start finding accommodation/ estate agents to value the house ...
research schools or whatever you need...

Give him this One. Last. Chance. if its what you need to do so you can walk away and know you did everything you could but you are going to need to leave.

Good luck 🍀

@Lafufufu you are highly emotive because you are right. This type of thing has a huge impact. You are also right that people often say “ one last time”. I hope that’s not me.

I find people in real life, who haven’t been through this minimise it hugely. They don't (ow won’t) see the whole picture. So that in turn causes me to minimise it too- if that makes sense? So it’s good to hear from people who have experienced this first hand

A lot of people IRL almost couldn't comprehend what my ex was doing. I think they thought I must be exaggerating to be honest as it was all so batshit at the time. That's the problem, your level of "normal" is all out of whack after years of trying to figure out what is going on. These people in manic times seem the life and soul and as enablers people around them do almost egg them on. When they crash they don't show that to anyone not within their family, so you end up with double the worst bits as everything negative comes at you and you have to fix every issue they cause. It's like having a puppy that never grows up and learns the rules of the house. Random wanton destruction then a brief boost of puppy dog eyes and tummy tickles. Puppies grow out of it though, without meds this is the cycle for life you and your kids are on.

Like other's have said in our experience they do often come off meds for the highs. Often this is connected to a creative passion or work in my experience - a friend is highly musical and developed BPD late teens. She repeatedly came off her meds because she didn't feel creative on them, for example. They've had a lifetime of those highs being what makes them different/special. They don't see themselves as "normal" and don't really want to be. So your goals and his are unlikely to be in alignment, making the medication taking a big thing to watch out for. He possibly sees the highs as the main way he "bonds" with the kids, for example, even if he doesn't see it as unhealthy.

i have been bipolar for 30 years . When I first got diagnosed I was put on lithium and it made me feel drowsy, confused and I couldn’t work . Back then I was told I could only have lithium so I came off it . Bipolar got me through work . I was bubbly , happy all the time maybe outspoken at times but never aggressive . It was the complete opposite of who i
realky am , shy, keep myself to myself.
My only downfall was money . I spent a lot . I say only because it was my money .
When I was high it was like I had all the money in the world. I spent and spent , I was told this by my sister. It was only when I crashed did I realise the magnitude of my spending . It was from £1,000-£10,000++.

I went to my doctor for help but she just brushed me off saying my husband had a good wage so I would be ok . She didn’t offer me support , talk about medication , nothing at all . I plummeted into deep depression that I had to take time off work . That’s when I had to tell my husband about the money .

He was never supportive of my bipolar diagnosis always said it didn’t exist . I just liked spending money . We had seen countless private doctors and psychiatrists who sat him down and explained this to him but still he didn’t want to know .
Suffice to say he went crazy when I told him . I went to mums for a couple of days , we had no children at that point . My mum and sisters didn’t like him as he constantly belittled me infront of them . After a week he paid the debt because he calmed down . I begged him to take my name off the bank account but he said , No! He didn’t want to make me into someone who had to ask for money .

Our first son was born and it happened again . Then our second . The psychiatrist said it seems that my hormone balance triggered these episodes.
This time he marched me to the bank and in front of everyone said ,
“my wife has been spending out of our bank without my agreement so I want her off it now !”
everyone just looked at me and gave him a dirty look . The bank teller asked if I was ok .
He then asked if my name could be taken off the mortgage, they said only if I move out of the house . That never happened.
He constantly threatened to take my children off me saying I wasn’t fit to look after them . I did nothing to my children apart from love and keep them safe .
I was at my parents every day .

I knew we were never going to have more children so my psychiatrist put me on medication and we tried a few until one worked . I can say those episodes of spending have never happened again .

My husband still brings it up on occasion. He said he will never forget it . But he has done worse to me .
I never hurt him .
He has hurt me after all this that has made me a recluse in my own home . My mental health is worse now .

All I can say is having bipolar is horrible . I do feel so sorry for the people who are genuinely physically hurt by their partners .
We didn’t ask to have bipolar and yet we have to live with it . For 25 years no one knew I had bipolar because I was so ashamed to say I had a mental illness because it was frowned upon.
You hear of people who can’t cope with this disorder and the strain it has on them and I for one can understand this. Unfortunately their side isn’t taken into account. It is us who are dealing with this every day , living it . Sometimes it is too much .

I am not asking for pity , I just wanted to explain how it is from someone who has bipolar.

@somethingnewandexciting
A lot of people IRL almost couldn't comprehend what my ex was doing. I think they thought I must be exaggerating to be honest as it was all so batshit at the time. That's the problem, your level of "normal" is all out of whack after years of trying to figure out what is going on. These people in manic times seem the life and soul and as enablers people around them do almost egg them on. When they crash they don't show that to anyone not within their family, so you end up with double the worst bits as everything negative comes at you and you have to fix every issue they cause.

This rings so true. When he went high this time I reached out to some mutual friends, they really thought I was exaggerating.

Regardless of the emotional turmoil and FOG you are currently experiencing, please use this time to make a plan.

Everybody on this threat who has walked a mile in your shoes knows that this cycle will continue until you break it.

Keep a notebook.
Decide where you and the children will live.
Take stock of all your (and his) finances.
Take advice from a lawyer about what your position would be in the event of divorce. Then get a second opinion.
Think about what you want for your future and for your children's future.
What will that look like?
How will you budget for it?

Be prepared for him to seriously ramp up if you decide to end the marriage. Plan for your response when he inevitably threatens suicide. When that happens you make a 999 call.

Try to picture all the scenarios so that you are mentally preparing yourself for how events might unfold if you end the marriage.

By writing these things down it helps to empty your head and make sense of the situation you are dealing with.

You can also call Women's Aid for advice.

Yes forgot to mention this - Things will likely escalate rapidly when you leave /start to leave.
It got fairly intense/ crazy when my mum left my dad. She made the call to leave the family home with my siblings and gave him no notice which retrospectively was a very good choice.
He never got her new address which again was good news for her and mine / my siblings safety.
You should be well prepared and get good advice from people with experience....

Really interesting to read other experiences. I spent my childhood with an inordinate number of people non-ironically telling me how funny, charming and generous my dad was and how LUCKY I was to have him as a father... 😵‍💫 just bizarre...

@Lafufufu . Yes, there would be a large amount of people saying how enthusiastic, charismatic and generous he is. This would be even at the height of his manic phase. He would continually invite people over and be so chatty and pleasant, offering them help with DIY/feeding their cats etc. I would be telling people it wasn’t a good time, so would come across as less accommodating and anti-social.

@Sicario. that is very good advice thank you. I spoke to women’s aid whilst he was in hospital at his worst.

I am a practical/list lover, so will definitely be getting myself a little notebook and cracking on with the practical stuff in preparation.

People in real life minimise all of the extremes of abuse that is why it is incredibly important to step outside of the dynamic and speak to a really good therapist or somebody outside of the dynamics.

@Plethorapeach Yes. I’ve come to realise this. Everyone in real life wants to believe the best in him. He had a blip when he was unwell, now things are better. They think he was just a bit loud and excitable, as that’s often how he was in public.

I think the first few months he was diagnosed, I was just in survival mode. Now that the fog is clearing I need to find the next steps forward, one of which is therapy for myself.

Therapy is a wise move. Take your time in finding someone who is the right fit for you. You might also add into your notebook some of the issues to tackle such as FOG, boundaries assertion, and how to deal with the stress you will undoubtedly be experiencing.

I had a wonderful therapist who I continued to see for 4 years.

@eyeofthundera am so sorry you are going through this. My M has just had very late stage diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and it only because came to light based on a review of a long clinical history while she was declining rapidly due to dementia and they were trying to work out why and how she was presenting. She had previously had a personality disorder diagnosis and chronic depression.

I am assuming your DH has been diagnosed with bipolar 2? M's diagnosis makes a huge amount of sense in the light of hypomanic phases, less obvious in the manic phases - it wasn't the stereotypical version you see in TV programmes where people believe they can fly. And that is what makes it so hard for people to get their heads around. They just haven't seen that side to M. But behind closed doors she was making grandiose plans, believing she was going to be an international opera singer, could cure x, y, z illness, and had a hotline to God etc etc. When that didn't transpires the lows were epic and it was all my fault.

I am getting support from a counsellor but what I struggle with is trusting myself after decades of gaslighting where I have been told it is me that is the issue, that she couldn't possible have behaved that appallingly. I genuinely think she didn't remember, but equally the personality disorder meant she would never take accountability for her actions even in the face of deeply compelling evidence.

For M, there is no hope any more. She is far too far gone, to get help. It is the loss of hope I feel most deeply. I hadn't realised I was holding onto it so dearly, even having been no contact/VLC for years. Not because I wanted a magical transformation in our relationship (which was dire) but because I just can't imagine how miserable her life and inner turmoil must have been and how awful that is to think of that happening to someone you love/loved.

I think what I am trying to say, is staying or going - there is no easy answer. The outcome will just be different. But children need and thrive on consistency, and good role models. Whatever happens the chances are you have a long road to travel. You need to work through what is right for you and the kids. A diagnosis is only the start of the rest of your lives. Work out the best way to live them. For your kids.

I simply can't imagine staying with a man who had treated me like this and who had been a crap father as well. Nobody should feel the need to make allowances for any of that, regardless of what caused it.

My current partner has bipolar and I swear it is tearing me apart bit by bit. We will have the most fantastic relationship and then something will trigger him and then he withdraws, he’s moody, I don’t hear from him And it’s like the person that I love has disappeared.

I make excuses for him that it’s not actually him, It’s his bipolar. Regardless of what it is, I cannot live a lifetime of this, I don’t want to have kids with him in case they get it too. And I know I need to end this relationship at some point it’s just hard because when he’s normal, I love him.

If you can get out, just leave and don’t look back.

The best way to move on is dump his sorry arse.... He sounds dreadful. Seriously though, throw him over board.

I have bipolar and it does make relationships hard. I have been with my partner for the best part of 20 years, diagnosed for 13 years.
It's hard, I have bipolar 1 so when my mood goes high I can loose complete touch with reality and in my first manic episode I was unfaithful. I was 21 and no kids or family commitments. My partner with time was able to see past it. It took time and a few years but he was able to forgive me and we have moved past this. I have been on my medication since I was diagnosed. I am a guess unusual in that I don't crave or like the mania. I really hate the feeling of being out of control. I predominantly have depressive episodes and some times mixed episodes. I have been pretty stable for the last 8 years.

Being compliant with medication, being proactive in engaging with support and being open and honest about how I am doing has been the condition on our relationship. I live my life in a way that is best for my mental health. I was doing a PhD when I was diagnosed and that really was a recipe for disaster. I did make it through to the end but I made the decision that any jobs after that needed to be ones that wouldn't trigger my bipolar. Low stress, regular hours, I prioritised my sleep, regular meals, low caffeine, low alcohol, whole foods, mindfulness. In many ways it's a "boring" life and I can see how it wouldn't be for everyone but for me it gives me a fulfilled life that the bipolar highs and lows would rob from me. I am in tune with my moods and start putting plans in place as soon as their is a niggle that it's going up or down.

We have a family, we waited until I was stable and got unwell anyway but I had ensured I had a security net around me and I got better.

For me friendships have been harder to keep and I don't have many friends at all from my unwell years. I have no resentment at all towards those that have step aside. It's not easy to have a relationship with someone that is mentally unwell. I am always grateful for those that stick around.

My relationship works with my partner because I am the one responsible for my mental illness and for staying well. I wouldn't expect him to be repeatedly picking up the pieces of endless episodes. He obviously is supportive when I'm unwell and in staying well. Much in the same way as we are for one another with physical illness. I think it has helped that we were so young when we got together and our relationship has developed alongside my bipolar and stability.

It takes work and when only one person in the relationship is doing the work and the sacrifice it's so much harder

@Superscientist thanks for taking the time to read and give your own experience. It helps me navigate things just now.

I have been with my husband for a similar time that you have been together. One of the things I struggle with is that he has been undiagnosed for so long. It used to be small ups and downs which have been progressively worse the last 5 years. I look back on our life and there were periods of time when we were in a long distance relationship and I was always very trusting. Looking back I now recognise he had these low and high moods then - was he faithful all those times we would be apart for weeks at a time?

He started the only fans thing 2 years ago and he has definitely had periods of normal mood since then. He didn’t come clean about the only fans to me, his phone screen was accidentally open on it one day. So how much more has he hidden.

It’s a lot to process and he has been a bit avoidant. I am looking at some therapy for myself then consider some therapy together if things remain stable.