Bipolar partner, finding it hard to forget and forgive

[eyeofthundera]

Hello, wondering if anyone can offer any advice. My husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. The last 2 years together have been fairly awful to be honest, so the diagnosis does help explain a lot of the behaviour. We have been together for 15+ years.

In hindsight this has been going on for many years, but definitely the moods have become very high and very low in the last 2 years

In the hypomanic/manic times he has treated me (and the children, to a lesser degree) pretty awfully. He was so irritable and I couldn’t do anything right. I was made to feel pretty worthless.
There has also been financial abuse - at times of high mood spending £10,000-£15000 of our money/savings. In times of low mood so depressed about money that he has withheld money for the children’s birthday presents. He has also moved money around to make it difficult for me to access.
Then I have found out there has been online sexual things been going on - onlyfans sexting girlfriend experiences as an example of this.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has experienced similar and actually moved on/got through it. I would like to hear from people with bipolar to help explain how accountable you are at the time. Every time I try to talk to my husband he shuts down and says he doesn’t remember a lot about these times.

I have so much resentment and it’s hard to separate the illness from him. I’ve lost trust in him, as he has obviously hidden his impulse sexual activity and also hidden a lot of the spending.

Read the look loving someone with bi polar
it taught me a lot
and also made me stronger and look out for myself more

Yes I was in a relationship with a man who had bipolar disorder.

His ex advised to me to walk away very early on in the relationship but of course I didn’t listen to her because I thought she was being bitter and I was in love with him. She told me about his anger, swearing and the yelling which I didn’t see to start with. One of the grownup children went no contact with him and accused him of emotional abuse and the other had limited contact with him and refused to let him be on his own with her kid.

Eventually he assaulted me and this is when I ended it. I still don’t know if this was down to the bipolar or not it’s hard to tell.

He tended to be manic from spring to autumn when we would do things together and he would tell me he loved and needed me and then in the winter months very low while he would talk about wanting to not be alive, going through phases of not talking to me, not engaging with me and saying he didn’t feel anything and he didn’t love me.

So there were rages, shouting and long periods of dark moods, all eventually intolerable for me but I’m not sure if all of that behaviour was down to the bipolar.

Whatever the cause is of your partner’s behaviour it seems that it’s fairly intolerable

Hi there,
Just emerging from the latest episode with my bipolar husband. I couldn't possibly write down all that has happened over this summer, and indeed, most of the summers that we have been together. I've dealt with him abandoning me and our children, spending money, moving my money, making accusations and threats, it has been unbelievable and has almost cost me my own sanity.
I have had counselling since the episode started, which has been incredibly helpful at helping me to build my confidence and self worth. I would absolutely recommend considering this path.
I have built myself up in his absence, I've had a bit of a makeover, I have done DIY, I have made decisions on my own, and if feels great. I'm seeing friends, and doing things for me.
He is now coming out of the episode and feels a lot more remorse than he did, he wants our family back. However, there are still consequences to actions, even when people are ill, why should I put up with this any longer, when it's making me, and the children so miserable?!
Put yourself first, I've been cheated on a lied to, it's not possible to simply get over that and brush it under the carpet, excusing him "because he's ill."
I want my husband to take accountability for his managing of his condition, he's always been in denial about the impact. It's only now that he seems to know what to do, when he's lost everything and everyone!
I would recommend a Facebook group called support for for partners/ carers for those with bipolar. Helps to see that you are not alone.

Another who ended a relationship with father of child who at that point was undiagnosed. He was later diagnosed with BPD then after that as a narcissist with possible ADHD, but he preferred the BPD label. It might be a complicated ADHD or Autism diagnoses like that which you could look into as it's often (in women at least) mis-diagnosed as BPD.

However, even though he is ill and I know you are trying to do the "right thing" really he is abusing you and your family. You need to bear in mind this is not normal for children to see and have in the home. Mine nearly set fire to our home, police bought him home after he picked a fight with some teen boys in town, frequently got so drunk he couldn't walk or talk and repeated stories and finally found another woman who's pictures he'd "accidentally" let me see just to make me even more insecure. All of those were in the first 4 months post birth...

You do not have to stay, as others have said.

I’m glad counselling has helped for you. And great that you are getting some control back and doing things for yourself and building yourself back up.

I have definitely noticed that my confidence has been battered over the last few years. At first I thought it was having the children m, but in hindsight it’s the constant little comments and put downs when he’s manic. Then when he’s low he’s still so critical of things too.

Ill have a look at the Facebook groups thank you ☺️

@Sidsidthe thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sorry that this happened to you. A lot of what you say rings true with the highs and lows.
I think it’s so difficult as he’s now so full of remorse and he is disgusted at himself. But with a lot of it he cant fully remember. So I feel so torn. I am listening to all of this advice though, and taking it on board.

You are all quite rightly talking about the impact on the children.

I find that when he’s high he is mostly out of the house- goes to work, comes home and then either goes out with friends or to work on a new “project”. At the weekends he is often out, but will sometimes come out for family days as long as they are interesting enough. At these times he is often very playful and full of fun with the children.

So it is more like having an absent father or me being a single parent. There are times when he is irritable with them, but to be honest he mostly just ignores them as they aren’t “exciting” enough when he’s high.
I know this isn’t a good father in anyway, but it’s probably preferable to anger directly at them.

When he’s low he is in bed a lot and again, the kids dont see him much either.

That does sound like you are minimising the impact and work you are doing to enable that. It's manipulative to be Disney Dad to the kids when he is cheating on you and only coming out with the family when everything is planned exactly the way he likes it. I personally think being a big kid with the kids isn't parenting, just Disney Dadding, but I can understand how it doesn't make it easier if you feel the kids have managed not to notice all of the other behaviours. If they haven't already they will though.

It's worth looking at it from all angles and as you say at least he is diagnosed and taking his meds. It's really up to you to decide if you have it in you to stick around until next time or consider if maybe being a single parent is preferable to being in a constant state of fight or flight for you. For me it was, largely for safety reasons but also I guess if I had been given the "but I'm mentally ill!" line I might have felt sorry enough to stay, or at least keep trying, who knows. I'd want to be in on all communication from his mental health team too. You need to make sure he is going to appointments and taking meds whatever happens if he has access to the children.

You do not have to put up with abusive behaviour. Mental illness is not an excuse for abusive behaviour-any mental health professional or charity will tell you that.Feel free to leave him. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether, and no longer enjoying your life.

@somethingnewandexciting yes, I probably am minimising it. It’s something that has been going on for years and slowly getting worse. My mum compares it to the boiling a frog analogy- if it had happened suddenly it would be a shock, but it has slowly built up over the years to become the “normal” . He was in hospital for 2 weeks, and that little break really opened my eyes to all the damaging behaviour. I felt like I could breathe again.

I think I am going to set myself very strong boundaries (which he has crossed before) that if things progress, then I will just get him to leave. I’m not putting the children through this again- even if just ignored, it is not good and consistent for them.

I accused him of being a Disney dad 2 years ago, when last high. You are right, it is not parenting. It is like having another child. It’s hard though as his family see him as a fun involved dad. So when he had his diagnosis his mum said I was making things up and manipulating the psychiatrist 🤯

I think this it’s a case that I will hope for the best- that the meds will help and things continue to improve, but preparing for the worst.

Please leave. My DDs boyfriend has just been diagnosed with the same and for the moment he is completely unstable and I am hoping she will do the same.

If an illness causes a person to abuse others then the victims of the abuse are not the people to support the person through that illness. That support needs to be people who are not being abused by the person.

I think it’s worth exploring all possible options before deciding to leave. No, mental illness doesn’t excuse abusive behaviour, but it is an illness - it’s not who he is. Therefore there are potentially solutions rather than if he was just an abusive prick because he’s just an abusive prick if you see what I mean. Is he on mood stabilisers? Could he change meds? Could you try couples therapy along with his own therapy specifically for bipolar? If he’s aware of how bad his behaviour is and is fully committed to improving it then I would try your best to support him. If things don’t change despite trying everything then it may be time to reconsider

It’s fucking horrendous. I left my ex. Couldn’t take it. Made me feel suicidal.

He had counselling and got medicated and what a difference. He changed from a prick to understanding what id gone through and the price i paid for his reluctance to seek help when he knew he needed it. For years.

I would never ever date a bipolar person again.

Id suggest you get counselling and also keep an eye on his medicine bottle to make sure he is taking them. Don’t rely on him saying he has. Check sneakily.

What happens is that they feel better and decide they don’t need the tablets any more / “dont like how I felt on them”.

You need to get that nipped in the bud. I’d make it part of the agreement that if you come off the meds we are done.

I’d also somehow want more dual control of finances so there can be no more splurging without you knowing.

Good luck. The condition is a bastard. My ex is a much better person now so it can happen. Im just not with him now.

I really strongly disagree with this and @vdbfamily . You are not harsh for leaving someone who has abused you NO MATTER what the reason behind the abuse. Pretty much everyone who is abusive probably has an undiagnosed condition and/or a traumatic childhood, it doesn't mean for one minute that you should have to stay with them because you made the mistake of marrying them and couldn't predict the future.

You are not an emotional support human for your husband OP, he needs to be taking responsibility for himself and for his behaviour. How can you live happily when you're constantly 'preparing for the worst'? This sounds like an absolutely miserable relationship where you're constantly on egg shells and the only time you've been able to breathe was when he was in hospital.

What do you think it's like for the kids OP living in this atmosphere?

Do you genuinely believe he’s doesn’t remember what he’s done or is this a way to avoid engaging with his behaviour? Whilst the mania may have impacted his behaviour it doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t remember it. It doesn’t bode well for self awareness or attempting to improve if he simply says he doesn’t remember the abusive behaviour. It’s a way to excuse what he’s done and avoid responsibility. He has to want to change and engage properly with treatment. If that will isn’t there you can’t want it for him. You and your children matter too and it may be some time and space away from him to see if he can truly make improvements by himself would be beneficial.

Look up the boiling frog analogy. Your perspective has been skewed through years of bending yourself into whatever shape is needed to survive living with a mentally unstable and abusive partner.

The detrimental effect upon you and your children will run very deep.

Understand and accept that your DH's happiness is not your responsibility. Nor is his mental health.

Read up about FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - which imprisons so many women into toxic dysfunctional relationships because we are terrified of the ramifications of what will happen if we say, "No, I will not live my life like this any more."

Think about how much better your life would be without this constant cloud, walking on eggshells, wondering when the shoe will drop again. And it will.

Please save yourself, save your children, and start taking steps towards building a better, brighter future for you and for them.

Yes. When I say prepare for the worst. I mean if there is any abusive behaviour again, I will leave him. So have things in order to prepare for this. I will not put me and the kids through this again.

I have shifted my mindset- before it was about getting him better and how we had to adapt around him. It’s now about making sure me and the kids are well and happy (not that I neglected the kids before, but he was very much the star of the show if that makes sense)

But I can tentatively hope that the medications, and therapy will help.

Abuse is abuse, even if they are ill. It still impacts those around him. If it was the other way around and I was bipolar I would want the children protected from me. If I acted this way, I would want my children and their feelings put first.

Also - stop trying to understand or analyse his behaviour. It's exhausting, and it makes no difference.

Think only of yourself and your children.

You can have bipolar and also be abusive outside of the bipolar. It doesn't permit a person to just say "oh, but I'm ill."

My son-in-law has bipolar (medicated) and is lovely. My mum's friend when I was growing up had bipolar (medicated) and she was terrible. My ex has bipolar (unmedicated) and it was a literal nightmare for me, even though I also have bipolar (unmedicated). He may well say that it was a nightmare for him also.

My husband doesn't seem to mind too much, apart from a bit more financial instability than he's probably used to. There are elements of it that he really enjoys.

It manifests differently for everybody.

I'm very big on transparency and accountability for my behaviour, and I think that's important.

Do you genuinely believe he’s doesn’t remember what he’s done or is this a way to avoid engaging with his behaviour?

I would genuinely believe they don’t remember. DD describes it like splitting into the fragmented parts in DID (formerly multiple personality disorder) it is almost as though you have never had the interaction as far as they are concerned. But the interaction would have happened. It is not quite delusional though because the have literally stepped into another part of their personality that didn’t do the abusive action.

This.

You have my permission to leave too.

Do you genuinely believe he’s doesn’t remember what he’s done or is this a way to avoid engaging with his behaviour?

As @Plethorapeach has said yes, I do believe it most of the time. As I will bring something up and he will have a genuine look on his face that tells me he has no idea what I’m talking about.

I do wonder if sometime he exaggerates it though.

I Think of a bit like going out for a meal, then pub with friends and getting a bit drunk. You will remember the restaurant and the pub and who was there, but the particulars of the conversation are gone. Also he has no memory of the anger/irritation he displays, which changes the experience of the interactions completely.

I left, after 30 years (only diagnosed for the last three) I was done when he refused to take his medication. After researching I believe it's pretty typical that they love the highes and don't remember the lows, so why take it, umm because you profess to love me and I'm asking you to because then your not c*ing me off on a regular basis. I would have been prepared to forgive but he just couldn't do that for me, so I had to leave, I just couldn't continue to live like that for the rest of my life.

Leave.

My father had bipolar.

I can tell you for free your children will not thank you for staying.
And based on what you have said here i'd bet good money he will not continue to take his meds reliably. They love the highs waayyyyy more than their families.

My mother stayed "for the kids". It did NOT benefit us. It did do untold damage.

One of my.siblings was NC with our mother for almost a decade as an adult over it. Are you prepared for that?
very honestly, without therapy I'd probably have gone NC too I had a lot of unprocessed anger over what she did. She was the adult. She had choices. We didnt.

Protect your children, protect yourself.

Edit:
When I say prepare for the worst. I mean if there is any abusive behaviour again, I will leave him.
This is the kind of bullshit my mum used to say... i listened to it from aged 4 until i was mid 20s. She wasted 35 yrs of her life.

Read back what you've written - look at what hes done already. You do not have a happy future ahead of you.

I'm also going to challenge this frankly minimising statement. I get its hard and you have to make difficult choices but you need to be honest.

It’s now about making sure me and the kids are well and happy (not that I neglected the kids before, but he was very much the star of the show if that makes sense)

You cannot honestly say the children arent ever neglected /deprioritised... that his needs dont get met first and that your household doesnt operates around managing him, his needs and his emotional state.
You also cannoy honestly believe thst you can compensate for him - you cant.

I lived with a bipolar father for 20 yrs I know the score...
Nothing you try to do and mitigate things now is going to meaningfully change anything. They are already trained to manage and accomodate him and his emotion rainbow.

While its him "doing this", the fact remains you are the only adult in the room - you need to look after your kids and priorise them.