Don't have the guts to end it.

[Itsprobablyme]

You know that saying. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Im really thinking shit it going to carry on until Im not longer here. But i don't know if i have the guts to actually do anything about.

When anything good or positive does happen it's very short lived. Things start to get better then something happens to fuck it up all over again.

My shit show of a life it posted all over MN its gone on for years nothing ever changes I feel totally misunderstood I feel I am to blame for everything that's ever happens. I feel im to blame when the answers are not simple.

I mean does there come a time when I'm meant to say enough is enough of this life. Surely there's only so much one person can take

Can you remove yourself from those people?

No i cant

Why not?

Because its not that simple . If it was it would have been done.

I don’t know your circumstances because you aren’t saying much (and I’m not judging you for that ❤️) but I had to leave a whole family behind to gain freedom from unbearable pain.

Therapy could actually really help you to deal with the negative people that you can’t shut out of your life OP. Also, don’t dismiss AD as they can also make it easier to deal with stressful life situations.
FWIW, I’ve been where you are atm and I’m proof that things really can get better with the right help and support.
I know that things seem so bleak at the moment but don’t despair. Keep posting as they are lots of kind and supportive folk on MN who can help xx

I know im posting in a distant sort of way . Im trying to say things without saying to much. That probably doesn't make sense. I just don't want things used against me.

Our situations are likely different but im glaf you have found peace. I hope things are better for you now 💐

Thank you sweetheart, that’s a lovely thing to say. I’ve found peace in one sense but still hurt greatly from the loss. I’ve come to terms with that and know life is a constant stream of ok and not so ok times. Looking at the Buddhist understanding helped somewhat, that suffering is a fundamental aspect of existence.

I wish you could separate yourself from the people that are hurting you.

It just feels like nhs therapy for 6 sessions? Is not going to help a life time of shit. Im sorry you have been through a hard time to. I hope things stay good for you 👍

I agree with you here.

I guess it takes alot of healing when you have been through a hard time. But also loose something in the process. And I find people often think everything is ok because you dealt with the situation. When its much deeper than that. Sounds like you have come a long way though . Your very strong 💪

I agree that 6 sessions is useless for dealing with any deep or longstanding issues. Could you afford to pay for some private therapy as that could make a real diffference to how you feel?

The pain was unbearable and lasted the majority of my life, I tried to off myself several times. It’s not that easy though is it? I don’t know how people do it tbh. I reconciled myself to being strong. I also knew I didn’t deserve the way I’d been treated, no one does.

You don’t either.

No im not able to. I have debts to pay at the moment

Can you contact your GP and see what help they can provide and/or signpost you to?

im another one who had to cut a toxic family off (some of them at least) and whilst it was the hardest thing to do, its given me peace.

itsprobablyme

I just want to say, I got no help at all from the Samaritans or my GP, or God. If you do, that’s good. If not though, please will you pm me?

Any time. Big hug.

Do you want advice on different strategies that may help?

When i was a teenager 14ish maybe I used to take mini od roughly 30 pills. It wasn't enough to end my life. But I didn't know that at the time. I actually used to write it in a book along with stuff that was going on and a teacher asked if they could read the book and I said they could. Nothing was ever done. Then I used to do similar with anti depressants. I did take a larger OD once ended up on hospital but to this day I dont know how I got to the hospital or how I got home.

Its definitely not easy thing to do . Its so scary.

I decided once I had kids I had no choice but to be stronger my life was kind of not my life anymore I owed it to my kids .

Sorry I went of in one your post just reminded me of past stuff a bit.

I hope you feel stronger that you did back then. And I hope my thread has not triggered things for you .

This is a bit flippant, but I hope it might make you smile a little:

"What doesn't kill you gives you maladaptive coping strategies and a dark sense of humour"

What Neitze missed with his assertion about being stronger in adversity isn't true, having yo be too strong for too long is damaging.

Obviously a good therapist can be helpful but I understand the financial constraints. Might journalism help? I have found that journalism using prompts related to my issues can help shift my mindset.

You could perhaps start by having a deep think about why you've had to be so strong, and whether you should and the roles other people have played over time. Ultimately you can only change yourself, rather than other people.

You haven’t triggered me at all, I am completely open to this conversation. strangely enough, I was 14 too when I tried my first overdose. No one cared about me, ever and that was my problem. I’m not being a aww please feel sorry for me victim, it was a fact of life. I wasn’t wanted and it was made known to me in terrible ways. That kind of abuse, that cruelty, is torturous and hard to deal with.

Can you share why you are trapped in your circumstances?

I have been the same. Trying to find positive things trying to make the things I CAN control into something more positive sometimes that slips but i still have the chance of making it better again things that I can achieve. So I can try and balance things.

Your always welcome to pm if you want to. I hope your ok

Im not sure what you mean

Action you can take that may make a difference to your circumstances and help improve them.

There's not any clear answers to the situation.

It often feels that way at first. However, if you don't want to take any action, that's fair enough. I hope things get better for you soon.