Suicidal ideations - what to do

[Quaver213]

Dear dadsnet,

Not sure what I am aiming to achieve by writing this but I am genuinely contemplating suicide. I’ve had these feelings for some time. This is partly or even largely born out of feeling like a failure.

Whilst I am a relatively financially successful individual, earning over £100k,

• I feel I am not providing how I would like to be providing.
• I feel I am not the kind of father I had hoped to be. And before you say anything, yes I know suicide when you have kids is selfish.
• I am reminded by my wife of the many ways I am deficient and the way my “depression” impacts the family.
• I feel like a disappointment to my wife, despite all the ways I have tried to change, including losing significant weight (nearly 40kg)
• my life is stress from all angles.

I have rationalised that my family would be better off without me and have even planned my ‘exit’ as being towards the end of the year as this would bypass the 1 year exclusion period in the event of suicide for the renewed life insurance policy I have in place. This combined with life assurance from work would pay to my wife more than enough to pay off the house and look after the family until they are grown. Plus my pension pots are transferable to my spouse.

I genuinely think I might do it. Though not completely sure.

I don’t want to go to a doctor as I’d rather go with no fuss and don’t want to live with the taboo which will make every other area of my life more difficult (work, life insurance premiums, health insurance premiums etc…).

id also flag that I have a history of trauma (an avusive parent) and have had a life of hardship and stress from young. Growing up poor and working since 13 years old.

So what can I do next. I know no one is going to tell me to off myself but I know if I continue as is, I will. Which at the moment, doesn’t seem like a bad thing. As above, I don’t want to go NHS with this, so what might be available to me anonymously?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

So sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

As above, have you tried the Samaritans?

Id really suggest going to see your doctor, see if you can get some counselling. Do you know if you have an Andys Man Club near you? its a drop in on a Monday night, talk, don't talk, its entirely up to you, you go at your own pace.

And I bet you are a great dad! Even when you're talking about suicide your still thinking of how you can provide for them. Maybe some relationship counselling would help with your wife, it must be very difficult for her as well.

I lost my son to suicide almost 5 years ago, I don't see it as being selfish. I think my son saw it as a "cure" for his illness, and poor mental health is an illness but like a lot of things, you have to fight to get the help you need.

Please get some help, its a long road and it wont be easy but the alternative is worse for everyone, especially you.

It will fuck up your children for life - I think you need to grab on to that thought.

and then otherwise see a private psychiatrist

xx

My husband assumed the life insurance would pay out, but he’d actually made a mistake on his application form and the insurance company docked the payout by thousands. How this actually played out was that I had to work full time, trying to balance childcare pickups at both ends of the day with limited my ability to focus at work and progress for years. I was exhausted and my child has missed out on having the presence of two parents to support them through childhood.

You’re not solving anything for your family by thinking like this. In fact you’re creating massive problems for them by not bringing them in on a decision that’s going to have enormous life long ramifications for them.

You’re trying to live up to an imaginary ideal in your head about what your life ‘should’ look like. It’s likely a trauma response from your childhood. Some therapy would help you realise that you’re placing a huge amount of unnecessary pressure on yourself, and maybe once you strip away the ‘shoulds’, you’d find that you are actually an okay person, that you do have worth, that you are valued.

Look up Pete Walker’s steps for managing emotional flashbacks. Suicide ideation is often one big, horrible emotional flashback to childhood. I know because as well as being a widow to suicide, I’ve experienced childhood trauma and worked through a lot of my own suicide ideation. It is very fixable and life can look much brighter again. Why would you not give yourself the opportunity to find out?

Please seek any help you can, NHS or otherwise. Why would you expect stigma from the NHS? You would have patient confidentiality.

I have taught multiple teenage school kids whose parent committed suicide. I've witnessed the fallout, their ongoing inability to cope, and sometimes the breakdown of their relationship with the remaining parent. The parent's suicide will be part of them for the rest of their lives. Please don't do this.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Are you happy to say which county you're in?

I’m in the UK.

I think about this and whether it would hold true. I feel genuinely as though I fail at every metric/measurable aspect of parenthood and whether the turmoil would just be transient.

There are lots of alternatives before you take this irreversible and devastating step.

id also flag that I have a history of trauma (an abusive parent) and have had a life of hardship and stress from young. Growing up poor and working since 13 years old.

This is very fixable - not what happened to you but how it is affecting you now. If you would like to talk to a private male therapist, for a free consultation I would be happy to DM details of a couple of colleagues. What have you got to lose?

That’s the depression making you feel those negative thoughts. It doesn’t mean it’s true.

You don’t say what age your children are, but right now they are secure in knowing they have a dad who loves them. If you go, that becomes a past, a memory. They will know that you left. I’m working with a child in school at the moment for whom the feeling of loss is so overwhelming they can’t function beyond anger - it’s been a year of anger so far. The child feels rejection, that they were not enough to keep their parent with them.

I have anxiety and depression, I really can empathise with the feelings you have now, but you do have choice, you do have the option to get support including medication. You have every right to heal and have a good life, you are loved, and the fact you are writing here shows that there is a side of you that wants that help. Talk to whoever you feel able to (Samaritans or local dads group if not GP) to take that first step. You’re not alone.

It’s true and it won’t be transient. It will destroy them. And you very clearly care about them.

Is your partner abusive to you?

I work in children’s mental health and have lots of experience within adults services too. They will never get over it and as another poster said, will mess them up for life! And it increases their chance of ending their own life also. Depression is treatable - death is very final and I’ve seen so many people get better. You can also overcome the effects of trauma with the right support/treatment. You can’t reverse death but you can take a day at a time and get some support. Please reach out to your GP! Just focus on each day, one small thing, don’t overwhelm yourself with the ideal as you’re putting so much pressure on yourself when you need to give yourself some kindness x

Mind is accessible outside of the nhs x

No she isn’t abusive to me but I would say she’s apathetic to me. Says she loves me but I told her I was feeling depressed, I’ve even told her I think of killing myself.

Her response is “go and see a doctor” but no sense of care from her.

Honestly, I don’t want to play pity party but she has a sister who had depression early in our relationship and the way she rallied around her is nothing like the level of support I receive. Different circumstances I guess, no children or other responsibilities but I guess I just feel like a non entity as a result.

She still, despite what I have divulged about how I am feeling tells me everything I do wrong from how I parent our children, to having gained a couple of kg (literally a couple) over the past few weeks (despite losing 40kg over the 1.5 years). So I’ve just stopped talking and my mood gets even more dark and even more in to these ideations.

Alas I’m not a great dad. I’m short tempered, easily frustrated and impatient. I try my best but I can’t seem to overcome my flaws.

My son (7) regularly tells me he hates me. He has some behavioural difficulties, being mildly autistic (but below the diagnosis threshold).

I don’t know how to parent him and his challenges without being a disciplinarian (not hitting or anything like that) and I am regularly told by wife that I am ‘doing it wrong’. To be honest, I think she’s right.

My child isn’t messed up for life. I think it’s important to be measured about that and not try to twist your arm with extreme statements. But it’s not about whether your children will be messed up - it’s about whether they’ll thrive or not, annd that your presence matters to them. By disappearing you will definitely leave a gap and risk their poor mental health (present, attentive parents are the best protector against mental health difficulties later in life).

My child still misses his dad and feels the gap. As he grows, he’s not going to have a father around to talk to him about being a man. He misses out on all the benefits of a 2 parent family - 2 incomes, fulfilled parents because they support each other to socialise and pursue interests. I can’t give him regular holidays and I worry about how I’m going to afford to put him through uni. I’m rubbish at teaching him skills his dad was great at. For my child it’s meant long hours in childcare, not having dad around for things like Christmas, birthdays, school - no dad to run in the sports day dad’s races, no father to write a Father’s Day card for at school. And generally living in the constant stress and anxiety that being a lone parent family brings.

I’m sure you have unique skills you bring to your children. You clearly have a huge capacity to reflect on the impact you have on others, and that’s a lot more than many other parents can offer their children. You are doing great - I suspect you just can’t see it right now because you’ve got a raging inner critic telling you you’re not good enough. It’s lying.

I’m sorry you feel like a non entity. It sounds like your partner isn’t able to be present for you and supportive. That’s no reflection on you or your worth. It could be that your background has programmed you to choose a partner who ‘loves’ in a way you’re familiar with. That’s fixable too - whether your current relationship grows, or whether you meet someone new in future, you can ‘reprogram’ yourself to understand what real love and care feels like. (I think you already know - you might just need to build the confidence to trust yourself).

Are you on medication - I had suicidal ideation due to a medication I was taking.

Have you tried EMDR for the difficulties in childhood. Find a psychologist-or someone with letters after their name to help you with this. It completely banished some sad and difficult memories I had (and had had for 60 years!!).

Getting divorced and totally restructuring your life are preferable to being dead. Your wife doesn’t sound very supportive, so it’s no wonder you feel so lost.

I just wanted to say at 52, I’ve started therapy for the fourth time, due to a damaging childhood, and have made some amazing progress. Please consider this, you don’t have to struggle.

You have been very brave coming to Mumsnet. These feelings are difficult to disclose.

Your life has a value beyond what you are and you are not to other people.

I am sorry you aren't seeing it this way.

I think you need to find a good private therapist. You won't need to disclose your full details if you go private.

You need to talk to someone. Lots of women feel threatened by a man partner disclosing mental illness. Your wife could be more supportive however she is not. She might her own demons, she might not.

Please do not rely on your 7 years old to tell you the true reflection of you. You would be more patient and understanding if it wasn't for your depression.

Please start looking for private therapy tonight

Hi OP, I too have been in a similar situation to yourself very recently and have a young child. Please reach out to your GP or another family member or friend to talk about how you are feeling. Or Samaritans, Mind or CALM like others have previously suggested. CALM have a number to call, a live chat or a WhatsApp to speak to someone. https://www.thecalmzone.net

I know that it can feel overwhelming and all consuming, but please reach out to someone for help. There are people that will listen to you and will be able to help. I promise it will get better, even though it doesn’t feel like it right in this moment.
Please remember you are loved and take care of yourself x

If you dont want to go and see your gp I would recommend seeing if you have any mens mental health groups in your local area. We have some in our area and I've seen that the men that attend benefit so much from being around others in the same situations

I also have a friend who's father committed suicide several years ago & even though they had a rocky relationship before hand his death really hit her hard. She often posts his photos on social media and mentions how sad she feels that he didn't love her enough to live for her, she wonders what she could have done differently, could she have saved him? It's so sad to see. Your children don't car about money, materialistic things, what you can provide, they just need you to be there with/for them as they grow

You mention you don't know how to parent your son due to his autism, maybe look for a local autism charity, or autism course where you can learn more. They help you learn how to understand them, how to manage their behaviour in different ways and how to help them and you cope with different situations

Men who are awful fathers don’t worry about being awful fathers. You may not be doing everything perfectly now - who ever does - but you very clearly meet the basics of being a good father - you care and think about your children.

if you don’t want to go to a mentla
health professional I agree some sort of a men’s group could be helpful - I think there are often men’s sheds groups and things along those lines.

i know it doesn’t feel it now - but there is hope and you won’t always feel like this.

Dear @Quaver213
Im so sad to read your words and that you feel so hopeless that you would plan this.

You sound like you are a good person to me.
You have a good job so you are obviously valued there and strong financial acumen.

You have DC - but you’re struggling with them - everyone does at some point … but you have them and you can work on your relationship. It shows great character that you want to improve your parenting - many don’t. This makes me question whether you’re really as bad as you make out.

You’ve lost weight - this is hard to do - but I wonder if it’s left you a bit depleted and run down- again this could be fixed by looking at your diet.

For now, how about you put a pin in the idea of suicide and think about everything you could potentially do to make things better so you can capitalise on and appreciate some of these strengths of yours???

People have offered names of private psychologists on this thread. take them up on this and book in some therapy once a week. Perhaps you need to see a psychiatrist and get some meds too?

Can you use all your mental energy to enrol into physical activity that could help you? Gym, 5 aside, long walk, evening run?

Diet - are you eating well? You may be deficient in certain minerals or vitamins after your massive weight loss and this may also be affecting your mood levels. Sometimes at a certain age men lose testosterone. This could be worth discussing with your GP - if you want to go with a more specific problem than feeling low?

In my experience, just following through on these acts can help one feel a bit better.
Tell your wife you’re doing everything you can to do these things for her and the family.

Maybe also make a plan to do something you know your wife and son like. Can be a small thing.. going at getting their favourite ice cream a small picnic, going to cinema… try and find a spark of joy even if it’s fleeting.

when I have felt desolate at times - ive imagined how I’d feel if something happened to my DC and I couldn’t see them again - really visualised it - and that’s sometimes jolted me into wanting to do something to get better or helped me find more patience with them.

when you’re feeling a bit stronger maybe then is a time to connect with your wife maybe even joint therapy? But right now you need to work on getting yourself better. THIS TOO WILL PASS - but death is irreversible so put a pin in that thought and see how you feel once you get try to make some positive changes.

I wish you so much luck and sending you a warm hug @Quaver213 and I genuinely hope you follow some of the advice on this thread.

I’ve considered divorce but in all honesty wouldn’t know how to restructure my life again.

She’s the only one I have been with. The only person who knows about my childhood trauma. The only person I’ve really let in. I tend to be a closed book, hence why I guess the state of our relationship is a contributing factor to how I feel.

Aside from that. I know the kids would end up with her and would naturally gravitate towards her and away from me.

I did foolishly toy with the idea of cheating in my mind. Two issues:

1. I’m not exactly a ladies man. I mean sure I scrub up ok but Im not the suave type. The confidence I display in everyday corporate life is really a facade.
2. I didn’t think it would give me any of the things I am missing.

I Don’t know. But I have been thinking a lot about this. Perversely, that divorcing and then offing myself would be the ‘least traumatic’ way to do it.

Can I suggest EMDR therapy. It’s changed my life. I was at points where you were. (Also trauma background here and some very rough years through plain old bad luck.) It helps get into the subconscious bit of your brain. Being a parent is bloody hard. The fact that you are so concerned about being a good one shows that you are. You care. I’ve realised over the years there is good out there. There is kindness. You are worthwhile. You are worth being here. Overwhelm - when you can’t breathe and don’t know which way to turn and think the worst is flight or fight response. They are thoughts not facts. Phone Samaritans tonight. Sleep. If you can’t sleep breathe though your nose. Look up a EMDR therapist here in your area make the call to them tmw. And know we are all here holding your hand. You’re not alone. You need support and your partner pointing out your negatives is not support. https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/