To feel totally and utterly defeated by my childhood trauma

[Clashofthetitans]

I have just had yet another failed attempt at coming off sertraline, having been on them for 3 years and feel completely at a loss with what to do.

I know it all stems from my childhood. Too much to write but two alcoholic parents, years of physical and mental abuse, neglect, a stint in a women’s refuge with my mum to just come out and her repeat the cycle. Two adults that were meant to keep me safe but basically did the exact opposite and refuse to acknowledge or apologise.

I thought I actually grew into a well rounded adult. A successful career, a lovely husband, a great life. I had DD and the postnatal depression hit me like a train - it was like the world’s biggest trigger.

And now, what? I can’t cope without being on antidepressants. Can I ever fix this? I have been in and out of therapy, never really finding that ‘closure’. Will I ever find it? Will it be with me until my parents pass away? Will it even go away then? I thought I was coping until I had DD and it’s like I can’t patch the cracks anymore. I’m so upset and angry, disappointed I can’t cope without medication.

Is there a future where this doesn’t all feel so shit?

I’m so sorry reading this. You sound like a strong, amazing person. It is very normal for the post-natal time to destabilise people. You will get back to where you were. You should be so proud of yourself for building a stable, calm life.

Didn’t want to read and run. I haven’t been through anything like that but I have been on Sertraline for many years. If the brain chemicals aren’t working you need help. Same as a diabetic wouldn’t stop insulin.

Is there any reason why you feel you need to come off sertraline? I think I’ve been I it over ten years now.

You could also consider some therapy?

Thank you for listening ❤️ I just needed to get that all of my chest tonight, it was really more of a rant. I just feel really disappointed I can’t parent DD without needing that help, I think. I just want the absolute best for her, realising that’s probably me on antidepressants. But I can’t help but feel a bit sad that I can’t just exist without them, if that makes sense.

I think when I first went on them my GP said they were very much a short term measure and I shouldn’t be on them for long, which has always stuck in my head.

Getting where you are now from where you came from is bloody impressive. There's no shame in needing medication.

It's about finding the right person and the right kind of therapy and being 100% ready to engage. As for the medication, if you had another illness like diabetes, or asthma, that needed life long medication you'd take it. Don't beat yourself up because you need antidepressants.

Years ago, I was on them for PND and my GP told me to start taking Agnus Castus with a view to then replacing the ADs. They helped amazingly well and I took them for years as tbh, too scared to try without. Then I did. Wobble for a few days to a week then I was okay. I've had decent therapy though.

So sorry to hear you’re struggling op, the wheels also came off for me when I had dd. Have you looked into ACE and trauma? I recommended having a look at Dr Jessica Taylor on Instagram and Facebook too. What you say about your parents really resonates with me regarding my own mother, I don’t know if parents passing eases the pain of trauma or if it will be just as bad but in a different way, I.e so many questions left unanswered forever at that point. Having your own dc and being a parent can be a huge trigger for stuff we’ve buried

Thank you so much everyone. It’s reassuring to hear that others have been on them long term. I do find they numb me a lot though, so I don’t really feel anything. Although that’s probably preferable to the way I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. Started back on them this evening, looking forward to that weight being lifted back off my chest again.

I definitely do need to find a good therapist and really deep dive, but the thought of it feels exhausting.

Thank you @Violet80 and I’m sorry you have experienced similar feelings. I pushed so much down and when DD came into the world it was like how could you ever do that to your child, she’s my entire world and I wouldn’t dream of it. It was massively triggering and not something I was expecting to feel.

Im so sorry to hear this OP. Have you had a diagnosis of CPTSD? I received one due to childhood trauma and then had EMDR which cured me. Absolutely life changing. I did have to pay for it privately though. Have you spoken to your GP about EMDR? Normal counselling and CBT did nothing for me.

I was also made so much worse by DS being born, it is very common.

EDMR might be helpful for you? It made a huge amount of difference to me after childhood trauma x

I have heard of EDMR therapy and that it can be really effective, I will look into that, thank you!

This sounds very difficult and draining for you.

like a PP, I might start looking at CPTSD and if some of the symptoms apply to you. Antidepressants are fine to take, but they are crutches really, and it might be good to address some of that childhood you mention; EMDR can really help.

Best to you. You deserve contentment, and recognition of what’s happened

I have had no trauma, just happen to have anxiety, and I never plan to come off my meds. Talk to your GP, I'm not sure you should have to come off. If they work, why not? Lots of sympathy by the way on what sounds like a really difficult childhood.

I’ve been on antidepressant medication continuously for 26 years and have no intentions to come off them x

Sorry, typo! It’s EMDR x

Be kind to yourself OP, there’s nothing wrong with staying on the tablets for now. I found they helped keep me and my symptoms level while I found the right therapist to help me actually deal with the cause x

i definitely think I’m on my antidepressant long term and I’m not concerned by that in itself.

Childhood stuff, also. good luck.

I am about to talk to the GP about going back on antidepressants after nearly 13 years off them.
I found having ds very difficult and antidepressants helped, but I really didn't want to take them, because it always felt like defeat. It took me a long time to come off them.
When my parents died a couple of years ago it dredged up a lot of difficult things for me. and I have been floundering ever since. I think it's been really exacerbated by a sudden menopause due to a hysterectomy.

I can't shake this feeling of being pissed off with myself for needing them, but can't go on like this, and don't feel able to access therapy.
Good luck op.

I was on Sertraline for about 26 years and was quite happy just bobbing along.
I’ve just come off them gradually over a couple of weeks to start taking a different antidepressant that hopefully will work as a painkiller for my chronic pain as well.
I’m a type 2 diabetic and I would be very ill if I didn’t take my medication
I treat my antidepressants the same way, I would be very ill if I didn’t take them.
Be kind to your self

Thank you everyone ❤️ there is so much kindness on here sometimes.

Perhaps the GP didn’t know or properly process even if told your full history? They say lots of things, GPs, under time pressure and without the resources to properly delve into people‘s backstories… and they are generalists not mental health specialists so the advice will always be a bit on the generalist/ basic side which is a shame and it shouldn’t be but it just is. I wouldn’t see it as a reflection on you that somehow you have failed…

Can I ever fix this?

Simple question, simple answer. Yes. For me the clue is in this sentence: "Two adults that were meant to keep me safe but basically did the exact opposite and refuse to acknowledge or apologise."

Whilst your mind continues to grapple with the thoughts of 'why and how did they behave like that' and 'why can't they see what I, and everyone else can see?' you will only ever be able to paper over the cracks with guesses and unreliable memories. Truth is you can't go back, you can't mind-read, you will never know, and that's what defeating you at the moment.

The ONLY thing that will make this right is to let it go, to stop looking for answers, reasons and motives and to accept that A. it happened and B. it wasn't personal to you; i.e. these two people perhaps didn't have a chance and would have fucked up looking after a goldfish, never mind a child.

Long reply but the bottom line is you can let this go.

I'm sorry to read this OP.

I too had a fairly traumatic, neglectful childhood (which my parents won't acknowledge as they think they did their best... Including taking me out of school at 13). Then got into an abusive relationship that lasted nearly a decade.

I think I've also grown into a fairly rounded adult, professional job, husband etc. But I will be on antidepressants (mirtazipine in my case) for life. The one time I forgot them when I went on a trip for a week I tried to kill myself, got sectioned and then got fired from my job for not telling them what was going on 😬

If sertraline works for you why not just keep taking it? I would never risk trying to wean myself off after the last experience

You need to stop looking at the past. All it can help with is how not to parent. If you need to be on anti ds them stay on them. There's no medal for coming off them and spiralling into depression again