To feel totally and utterly defeated by my childhood trauma

[Clashofthetitans]

I have just had yet another failed attempt at coming off sertraline, having been on them for 3 years and feel completely at a loss with what to do.

I know it all stems from my childhood. Too much to write but two alcoholic parents, years of physical and mental abuse, neglect, a stint in a women’s refuge with my mum to just come out and her repeat the cycle. Two adults that were meant to keep me safe but basically did the exact opposite and refuse to acknowledge or apologise.

I thought I actually grew into a well rounded adult. A successful career, a lovely husband, a great life. I had DD and the postnatal depression hit me like a train - it was like the world’s biggest trigger.

And now, what? I can’t cope without being on antidepressants. Can I ever fix this? I have been in and out of therapy, never really finding that ‘closure’. Will I ever find it? Will it be with me until my parents pass away? Will it even go away then? I thought I was coping until I had DD and it’s like I can’t patch the cracks anymore. I’m so upset and angry, disappointed I can’t cope without medication.

Is there a future where this doesn’t all feel so shit?

EDMR is meant to be the most effective thing for trauma/PTSD - unfortunately it's not available on the NHS (or at least not where I live) and private sessions are at least £90 an hour which is out of most people's price range 😔

I've got friends (a couple) who plan to always be on sertraline. They haven't had the trauma you have but they need it

Hi OP, I don’t have your experience of trauma but have been on ADs for anxiety. Like you I was keen to stop them. With hindsight and looking back I can see I came off them too soon, had to go back on as I destabilised myself. It would 100% have been better to stay on for longer. Like others I have friends and family who are on antidepressants long term and definitely find their lives are improved. So I’m trying to say I understand your reluctance but also fully see the benefit of meds.

Your DD life will be so very different from your childhood, you’re a survivor, your parents were too ill to be any kind of caregivers yet you brought yourself up. You are very strong x

i love my sertraline. It’s made such a difference to the anxiety I was suffering. Hope things get easier for you.

@ClashofthetitansI’m on them since 2012 and tbh I could never think of coming off them. I’ve tried, but I could see the effect it was having on my family. I was constantly anxious and snappy. I really feel that if 1 tablet a day makes life a thousand times better, for me and my family it’s worth it.

Sending you love and strength

You have a lot of self knowledge, and because of that, I think you will find peace and be able to live without medication. But give yourself a break, you are doing really well, and it is helping.
Try being outside in nature whenever you can. Try to view your parents with compassion too, they had their demons, probably because of their childhoods, and they will have regrets, even if they can’t acknowledge them.

I hope you find suitable therapy that helps resolve this for you OP but if not just ask yourself why you are so desperate to stop the medication if it helps you. If you had a physical illness like diabetes for example you would accept that you need meds and I feel it should be the same with medication for mental health problems. It's not weakness, it's outside your control.

I had similar trauma. It was pretty horrendous. I buried it for years and was experiencing lots of MH symptoms. 20 or so years ago my GPs response was to load me with tablets. They kept giving me higher and higher doses and didn't seem bothered at all that I was barely functioning.

One day I said enough is enough. I tried to stop taking them cold turkey and had awful side effects. Without going to the doctor (because it was feeling like one flew over the cuckoo's nest) I very very slowly weaned myself off over about 6months. I started exercising, went to a therapist and most importantly got rid of all the shit heads in my life. I haven't looked back and haven't taken any meds since.

I'm not saying you should do this but it worked for me. I have a great life now but have had to work hard on my traumas. Emdr was OK. Just trying to piece together things with a therapist as well as alot of reading and self help/meditation worked a bit better.

I too have struggled for a long time with childhood trauma but then found an amazing therapist and we did therapy around the inner child , have a look at that . Today I feel free , I know my triggers now and can watch me and look after me whereas before I didn’t know . I would go back to therapy in a heartbeat , that’s been my treatment as childhood trauma is complex and there’s always one part I need to work through as it’s years of damage . Good luck and stay on Sertraline if it helps as you are in recovery from childhood trauma and that may take years but that’s okay as your taking your life back and moving further away from it and that takes bravery . Keep going look up inner child

I hear you OP. My childhood was similar. Except one alcoholic parent and one volatile one. You are so strong to have built the life you have now from that starting point.
things that are helping me to heal (and it is a journey not a one- time fix):
Therapy (4 separate blocks over about 5 years so far)
womens circle/sharing circle
yoga/somatic exercises and meditation (read up about trauma stored in the body)
Podcasts like Dr Rangan Chattergee
Learning about child development so i can parent better

I feel like I am just discovering myself and untangling myself from the webs of trauma and my alcoholic parent passed away nearly 20 years ago at a formative point in my life. It doesn’t stop with death I’m afraid.

What support have you got around you?

I think you have to remember OP that right now and forever are two very different things. Right now you need the medication and that's fine, it doesn't mean you will need it forever. You went through years and years of abuse, that's going to take time to move on from, give yourself a break you've been through a lot.

I agree with PP’s that if taking a medication helps you combat an illness, why stop. As others have said, a mental illness is no different to a physical one and you wouldn’t stop taking medication for diabetics or a heart condition, for example.

You don’t mention what dosage you’re on. I was able to reduce from 20mg Escitalopram to 10 after a while so perhaps you could consider a lower dosage if you find that the medication numbs you. 10mg doesn’t numb me, but it controls the worst anxiety and panic attacks.

Why do you want to come off them? I’m on Citalopram for life.

The GP probably didn't even think before they said that. Many don't have a clue about these things.

Now isn't the time to stop them. I would just take the buffer they provide and be proud of yourselves for getting so far here.

You have a young child and this is really igniting significant trauma that you have endured. People stay on meds all their life. Your nervous system did not have a chance to develop in a healthy way as a child. Your body and nervous system had no choice but to adapt to an incredibly unsafe environment. You are therefore changed in a way that puts you on an unequal playing field with many others.

You cannot compare yourself to anyone else, especially people who have not endured this. You are incredible to be alive, functional, parenting and still looking for a way forward. Many others would be dead or living in a bottle or severe drug dependency.

I have been in counselling for 15 years. It is a life long process for many who had a very substandard start in life that causes significant adaptations to our system,brain and behaviour.

It will get easier and better as your child gets older. Stick to the sertraline. I wouldn't go near CBT therapy as you can't convince your body out of the reality of this situation.

If you're still in regular contract with your parents, that itself can be very traumatic based on behaviour they will possibly continue to demonstrate towards you.

I just wanted to reassure you that I had an appalling childhood and significant issues following the birth of my children, but it has all changed. As my children have got older and I have been able to see that I've broken the cycle and parented them the way they deserved to be, it has healed a lot of my trauma.

It's there and it comes up at times (I work with children with difficult lives now), but I am broadly in control when it happens. I don't forgive, but I do accept and move onward. My children are my proof that I am doing well and have a different world to that one; that I'm just fine. This didn't happen at the start though - when they were small, it was quite different. I was overwhelmed by what I had gone through and the enormity of trying to process it and do better.

I hope seeing your success as your lovely child grows brings you healing, too 💐.

Thank you for sharing some really personal messages, you have no idea how much hope it gives me that this might be easier one day. I restarted my sertraline yesterday and feel relieved I’m moving in the right direction again.

I know I have so much work to do on this, but I will stop feeling guilty for using medication whilst I work out how to even start that journey. ❤️

I had an abusive childhood and its affected my whole entire life.

It causes a lot of deep damage at an early age.

There really needs to be more resources to help people to get over it

I think what often hurts me the most is the unfairness .

Why did that person have two loving parents and i had two horrendous parents. The unfairness is so unfair.

I guess i need to try and accept that some people always have it better or worse

I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I have two adopted children, both adults now. Back when they were growing up I used to to read up on the effects of early trauma and saw quite a few of the "big names" in trauma like Bessel van derby Kalk and Bruce Perry.

To cut a long story short, what seems to work best is (a) body based therapies like emdr, tapping (b) lots of physical activity but especially horse riding, breathing exercises and drumming (c) having talking therapy with someone who makes you feel safe, held and heard, but it doesn't matter what kind therapy. You really need to combine all three x

Another one who really really recommends EMDR therapy.

I totally get it. I witnessed andexperienced things I shouldn't have as a child.

It really helped me. I don't even understand how it works but I no longer feel broken.

I’ve been on AD long term and despite being able to reduce my dose, I have no intention of coming off them. They literally keep me sane and allow me to manage.

Someone else mentioned EMDR, I am just about to start that.

It sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot and have lived a ‘normal’ life given your trauma, which can’t be said for a lot of people (me!).

I hope you find something to help x

This is great to hear. I am about to start it

Gosh yes I was told that I may need ADs for two years. I feel that there perhaps was an NHS trend towards not putting people on them for long, and that's changed. I don't know.

I'm actually not on them now for various reasons. I've had sertraline before and it was a nightmare personally to come off it (lots of IBS) so didn't want to do that again. Another time I had citalopram - I found this much better for motivation and focus and sertraline (many people with adhd - which I have - say the same). However when I tried it last year it made me really tired and was counter productive. So I now only take it on my period and during ovulation when my mood drops.

So it's a balance/journey of following advice and finding what works for you - that's really important as most likely as a child you had to compromise on a lot and weren't able to have boundaries you wanted.

That’s a lovely update OP. So glad you feel a bit more positive about using the meds. A counsellor friend also explained it to me that medication enables you to engage more effectively with therapy and I found that a really helpful idea too.