Are you happy with your life?

[BexAubs20]

I’m 37, nor sure if I’m having a midlife crisis or what but I’m so deeply unhappy! With my weight, appearance, house, financial position. I have an amazing family of 4 children, a good career, half decent husband. I do my best for them all but it never seems good enough. I just thought I’d be in a better/ happier position in life by now. Anyone else feel this way?

I'd say I'm not particularly happy.

I'm in a job that is no longer fulfilling, I'm a single parent to a (admittedly fabulous) 18 year old. I lost my house 15 years ago and now rent from a housing association. I have no real friends and rarely do anything at the weekends unless it's visiting family. I do suffer from depression.

I try to be grateful, though. I've lost quite a bit of weight through WLI, my house is on a reasonable estate and we don't lack food. I have a car, my sister, her husband and family are amazing and, as I said, my 18 year old is an utter diamond. So, much to be thankful for really.

If I could change three things they would be:

Be able to buy a house outright and retire comfortably
Get to goal weight
No longer be depressed

It really is about mindset (unless you're clinically depressed of course).
This bit stuck out to me" but it’s my sons birthday so whole weekend is going to be taken up with his friends staying over (trashing the house and garden) which I’ll also spend a small fortune on feeding and entertaining them."
Try to feel proud of yourself, giving your son a lovely birthday and making his friends welcome is a wonderful gift. Even if he moans, he's a teenager, so not unexpected to be critical of parents efforts.
Trite, but at the end of each day just write down 3 things you're grateful for- in 1 month I promise, you'll feel better.

Thanks. Yea I have depression.

I’m happy for you. You should be very proud of yourself and you sound very grateful which is good. I have worked hard all my life and don’t own a house and have a crappy run down car.

This is it, would should spend as much time focusing on the good things as we do the bad. It is hard some days tho

The first one is within your direct control. What's the timescale?

Who do you want to impress with the show home?

What's more important - time or money or energy?

No I'm not happy, but I don't know what 3 things I would change. If I change the fact I married my ex then my 2 kids would never have existed, but equally, if the kids didn't exist then I would happily just kill myself and get it over with.

I mean, I can't because I have kids and I wouldn't do that to them, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered it

Are you on social media? I feel less happy when I spend time on that, so have just closed my account actually. I did previously for a few years then got sucked back in for a family connection thing, but find it just isn't healthy seeing the privileged parts of so many other people's lives. It's hard not to compare or feel a bit envious of multiple big holidays per year when I'm scrimping and saving for a UK break as a single parent! And that's just one example.

But of course, you need to treat your depression, as no positive thinking can change brain chemistry, so sending a hug and hope you are being supported with it.

I think we all have times where we feel unhappy and it's easy for the house to get on top of me and stress me out, but I think caring less as another poster said is important, as it'll never be perfect (the house or life!) and it is a waste of time focusing so much energy on it.

I know for me the essentials take long enough anyway, but now if there isn't something urgent that needs doing, I try and do something nice for myself such as a walk, sit in the garden or read, rather than giving all my free time to the sodding house. If there's a hobby or similar you can commit to once a week that would give you some space away too and a bit of time for yourself. Maybe swimming or a walking group?

That said, if you can talk with your H and older kids and put some rules in place so it's not all left to you, that'll probably do wonders for your wellbeing too.

I'm pretty happy with my lot, and I think a lot of that comes from just not comparing myself/my life with other people. That seems to be the source of a lot of unhappiness, I've noticed.

At the end of the day I just don't think one can directly 'compare' lives, and also we never know what's going on under the surface with others.

Think of the housework as a good work out towards your weight loss. Make a cake for your anniversary or break out a nice bottle of wine, or whatever else might be nice and a treat instead of the meal out. Enjoy your son's birthday, remember all the good times, be glad he has friends, if they are entertaining each other have break, sit down and watch a film, plan something for a late anniversary celebration. As someone else said re-frame things in a positive way.

Well you have three teens and a dh so why the heck are you doing all the cleaning?!

Funny I was just thinking about this earlier

I think I may be in the part of my life where I feel ok now

After fleeing DV
Extreme abuse
Family loss
Stressful job

I now have a brand new house I built and have a few payments left on a loan I took out for building it

I wfh mostly and the job is really interesting

Wonderful sister

Two lovely kids

Farm

House full of pets

Loving dog

2-3 caring loyal friends

Travel 2-3 times a year (short Europe trips but very lucky also)

I deleted Instagram last week and I have to say

I have felt

Less anxious

Less down

Less hooked to my bloody phone 😝😝😝

I logged back on briefly to check times for a drama club and I instantly felt so bad

Neighbours out for a posh meal
Another friend out with her 2k handbag

Like how ridiculous really am I

I guess it really depends on the day.
Some days I feel I could conquer the world, others I really struggle to get out of bed.
I absolutely love my DC but can’t really say I’m a good mum to them as I’m too focused on my career. And that kills me inside. They grew too fast and I missed so much their earlier years it’s painful.
I have a love and hate relationship with my home as it essentially falling apart and I don’t really have the money to fix unless I leverage a lot which then creates a loop of focus on my career to make sure I can pay the mortgage and not give time and attention to my kids.
I can’t afford to go on holidays because of the house so my life is now just work and paying bills while have teens at home that totally ignore me. The thought about losing my job freaks me out so I end up working like a donkey.
But there are days that I get to have breakfast in my garden with the sun and birds singing and I try think that this is just a phase and things will get better.
Im not particularly happy with my appearance but I have the most amazing partner that treats me like a queen. So that helps a lot as well.
The way I see it as we can’t have everything. We have to make choices and they are hard. And there will be easier days than others… not all bad, not all good.
I know I am in a privileged position despite how hard it is.

The trouble with happiness is it’s fleeting. It’s can’t be a life goal because lasting happiness is unobtainable. I’m not sure anyone can be truly “happy” with their life but we can be grateful for our health and life. You sound as if you are overwhelmed and feel unappreciated at the moment. Could you do something for yourself - it doesn’t have to cost a lot - so book a couple of hours time out next week where your family aren’t to disturb you and go do something just for yourself. Make this a regular habit and reinforce your space - your husband or your eldest can look after your daughter for 2 hours. By doing this you will be being kind to yourself and telling your family that you are a person in your own right and not just mum and wife. Life is precious and is to be lived in the moment, not wishing for some utopian future. Also if you are depressed and/or peri menopausal make an appointment with the dr. Medication can really help support you whilst making the changes you want to make.

I totally get this. I wouldn’t do it to my kids either. I think that’s why I have so many lol and had them young. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t try so hard every day that’s for sure!

Thanks. I’ve been on medication and in therapy for approx 13yrs. It’s just something I live with and have to work on, on a daily basis and believe me when I say its exhausting!

@BexAubs20i do sympathise, Depression is a living nightmare I spent 25 on an antidepressant which barely worked
I was changed to Duloxetine when it was first marketed and they were both lifesaving and life changing.
Hit the menopause and was diagnosed as Bipolar triggered by my ex husband leaving on Christmas Day while my 3 sons were opening presents!
I'm mostly stable except a mild high when summer starts every year( hence the term Lunatic)
Please do talk honestly to your GP they're many new antidepressants which work differently but aren't routinely offered because they are more expensive.
You need to be stable to get benefits from Therapy.
Warmest wishes from one who's been there.

Change up your expectations regarding working long hours and caring for your beautiful young children and maintaining home beautiful standards. The family will always be so grateful you did.

They will think of you as the happy, fun mum who had a kid friendly welcoming home rather than the stressed out mum not content with life, and unable to treasure the magic of her children’s young lives.
Fuck the house work - let’s dance

Plus - I don’t subscribe to you doing lions share of housework because you work 3 days - the rest of your time you are providing free childcare.

im on meds for 3 years for anxiety and depression because of work. I refuse to let it bite me and I refuse to take time off even when the darkness was black. Now the darkness is almost white (very light grey) and I am getting better.

I deleted Facebook and have no social media and it’s stopped doom scrolling or feeling others have better lives, homes, families, cars etc

I’m finally content at 52 with what I have and who I am.

If you’re feeling down remember that there are so many of us who are struggling or who’ve been there - women do tend to take on a lot more of the life admin, fucking cleaning, driving, childcare, nursing / caring for sick family members, and it’s no wonder it’s all getting on top of you. Men also find themselves drained by the relentlessness of work family life but sometimes women buffer them by doing the lions share of just about everything but the 5 day a week grind. My 4 kids are adults now but I’ve worked 5 days a week since all kids at school and sometimes yes I wished I could be home with kids but luckily used purchased leave for school holidays, but also I have sometimes found it easier than always being the one doing lions share of so much and feeling ground down at home.

There’s no easy answer,as trust me - life grinds you down….and the younger years are hard with small children - so let the mess begin! ! Take kids in puddles. Take them out to parks and just for messy walks around the neighbourhood Make lots of nasty mess baking cakes or making burgers or favourite food together. Leave the dirty couch and delight in making more mess and making videos of your kids doing silly dancing and helping clean up to funny songs!!!!!

That’s so awesome you’re doing great now. It’s just so hard that the way things are at work are so stressful and likely to impact people’s lives so much -mental health has spiralled down for many. I hope you have better conditions where you work now.

Yes, I am deeply happy. In an "overall contented" way rather than smiley happy. I still have plenty of ups and downs, frustrations and stresses. But at the core I'm grateful for my family and friends, stable job, and relatively good health.

Things that help me are:

• lots of exercise, especially weight training (I am strong and lift heavy things!) and time in nature. Something physical most days. I never regret a workout, it quietens my busy mind.
• not caring about the state of the house. Life's too short. There are hills to climb.
• expectations for the children pulling their weight (both primary age). They do chores and what tasks they can do on their own. I'm not martyring myself running around cleaning up after them and prepping food they can do themselves. They will thank me when they are older and have life skills.
• avoid social media, shopping, and comparisons on "stuff" like clothes, cars. Those things never make people deeply happy.

The biggest factor is the exercise. I get down/irritable very quickly without it and getting back to regular, intense exercise really has felt transformative for me in terms of coping with stress.

OP, do you exercise regularly and is this something you could do more of/add variety or challenge? Good evidence for the MH benefits of all forms of exercise; weight training in particular has myriad benefits.

I also wonder if you are martyring yourself for your kids (if your son makes a mess he should clean it up!). And you might be happier if you lower your standards in the home. The more time you spend out doing activities away from home, the less you might care about the state of the sofa covers.

wish I could wave a magic wand to bring you much joy today. Can’t but here is a sad internet wandflower? Love your honesty- I’ve been there and it’s like the other pp were saying- a blackness that surrounds- Would you trust a GP who you can talk to ? Sometimes it’s worth the wait and reduce pressure, seeking help first