help me please!!! I am panicing........ mental health unit have just called......

[jingleyjen]

They want to come and see me this afternoon.
At home,
I wasn't ready for their call,
am in a blind spin,
what am I supposed to do with the kids?
Dh doesn't think he is going to be able to come,
I am not ready
I want to call them back

My Mum has just arrived....

Fuck Fuck!!

Oh jinglyjen, that's brilliant.

I don't know your story, but seems to me that perhaps you'll be on the mend now?

Well done you

anyone around?
honest opinions sought..

Am here, but you probably do not recognise me, so may want an opinion from someone else.

I've just read your thread, and as I'm a new MNer you won't know me either. But from what I can see, you've definitely done the right thing and it's very apparent from the difference in your posts before and after seeing the psychiatrist you sounded so much more positive.

When we're feeling as low as it sounds like you have been, we try to cope and sort it out, but one bad day melts into another and it overwhelms us. We all need help from time to time and I really hope you feel better for having taken this step now.

Keep going and keep posting too.

Best of luck

Jen I have only just popped on to mnet briefly - but will be around a bit later if that helps - 8ish probably. (I posted a couple of times earlier on your thread).

How are things today? Have you got any particular worries or just in need of a supportive ear? (ignore me if too many questions)

JJ, I am really glad I read this.

I have a CPN coming tomorrow and I know by tomorrow morning I will be a complete mess.
Its been reassuring to see how much better you feel after the appointment.

Do you know when you will start your treatment?

need specific opinions.

I have been mulling over the psychiatrists guidance to go to the police.

the incident took place 23 years ago in September, there is nothing on record anywhere as I never told the police.

There is NO evidence.

I have read too much about really clear cases of rape without the timegap with the man being let off or given a few hours community service.

I can see why he wants me to go to the police however I can see nothing but further hurt and heartache for me.

I really am interested in your HONEST opinions about what you think would happen if I went to the police.

Thanks

wow jen
am going through similar myself atm
absolutely recognise the feelings you describe.
well done for getting through that stage. good luck with the rest.

ok spooky, but i have the exact same issue too. my 'event' was 16 yrs ago.
i have been told the police would listen to an 'historical' report. doubt theyd do anything, but it would be on record. (and maybe affect any future allegations/prosecutions?)
apparently if you call victim support they can guide you through it.
or even go with you.

i havnt been able to bring myself to yet.

NG sorry you are going through this at the moment, have you decided what you are going to do?

i had a thread a while back and got some advice on here. god knows what posting name i was using tho so dant fancy chances of finding in search.. sorry.

um, am currently adopting the 'head in sand' approach

He reckons it is a clear way to working through the post traumatic stress he has diagnosed me with.

I am not sure I can cope with more hurt..

sorry - typed the following reply ages ago and got dragged away. hope its vaguely relevent now.

really?

hmmm. maybe hes right.

wrt pain of doing it, i suppose that at least you wouldnt have to deal with them not prosecuting etc, since it was so long ago. it would just be a statement and then it would be over. i assume.
and i am assured that they would be sensitive. (remains to be seen i guess)

dunno.

I'm wondering whether someone with more knowledge about police procedures could give you a "practical" opinion about what to expect and what may happen if you did go to the police.

Perhaps someone with legal experience or victim support in the first instance?

Ultimately it is your decision of course. The psychiatrist is only giving you his opinion and this isn't necessarily the only way (or the right way) forward for you.

In terms of your recovery (mentally I mean) it is probably not essential that you follow his advice about going to the police. For some women it might be impossible to go to the police and this doesn't mean that they can't work through the post traumatic stress. This is just imo of course.

In some ways you will go through more hurt as you go through you therapy, but this is "positive" hurt iykwim - with the aim of a happier outcome and you being able to put things to rest as it were.

Hope this makes sense.

I haven't been through anything near as traumatic as you JJ, but your OP just sounded exactly like me and as I said, its relieving to read how you were after the appt.

I really dont know what I would do in your position.
Did you discuss what feelings you had if the case wasnt taken anywhere or if the man in question would be let off?

Hmm thanks ladies,
I said a clear NO to the chap on Friday afternoon, but in mulling over what he said, I have taken him to mean that the longer I do nothing the more people this chap will be able to abuse. He made it clear that in his experience incidents of rape on a stranger are very rarely a one off. If he felt confident enough to do it to me, and he got away with it, he would more than likely do t again and again until he was stopped.

The chap on Friday asked my permission for him to start a conversation with the police, fact finding about if there was any information known about the man that attacked me.(very specific traceable circumstances).
I said he did NOT have my permission to do that. I would need to be prepared to go ahead and talk to the police, which I don't think I am.

I have tried over the years not to think about him - let alone think about him attacking other girls. But I suppose I do feel responsible. I have knowledge about him.

Oh I feel so muddled about it all.

More opinions welcomed.

Ok, on reading through your latest post I had the following thoughts. I don't seem to be writing very clearly this evening so hope it makes sense.

You wrote that you do "feel responsible" and that you do have knowledge about him. You mentioned earlier that there is NO evidence. You are in a really difficult position and I really feel for you. You did so well on Friday opening up to this psychiatrist.

Is there an option for you to make a statement/report to the police (if/when you felt able to) BUT making it clear to them that you personally don't want to take it further, you are just supplying information about a very dangerous person? That way you would perhaps not feel responsible for him potentially striking again, whilst protecting yourself from further distress?

In some cases (you often hear of it in Domestic Violence cases in particular) a woman makes a complaint, then drops the charges. The police (depending on the evidence) then make a decision to either drop the case, or go ahead and prosecute anyway without the woman's input. (I may not be using the correct legal phrases but I hope you understand the gist of what I am saying).

hey jj, i know what you mean. how bloody awful beyond words to think that our silences may 'allow' these men to do it again.

its just really f'ing hard isnt it? i decided to for sure do the statemnt thing a few months ago. but i havnt done it.

feel free to cat me if you want to waffle about it ever. wish you lived closer we could get together and support each other through doing it and getting it done. think it has the potential to be quite healing... or at least banish some ghosts.

I can't sort it out in my head.
I already have enough hang ups about it all without allowing myself to feel guilty about his actions since.
The other person he was eager for me to contact was the person I turned to for help - they didn't help me,, he feels that as I know where that person is I should write to the person to let them know how their actions have affected me.
I cant see the benefit to doing that, he could tell me he is sorry for not helping me, it changes nothing, he didn't help and now 23 years later I am fucked up.. Sorry doesn't really cut it..

Sorry I am ranting, ..

Hi there Jingley - Only you can decide if you want to go ahead with this. I am so sorry for what you have been through - must have been awful for you.

I totally understand you not wanting to go down that road. But it is clearly playing on your mind, else you wouldnt be where you are now, so you need to do SOMETHING, but of course that something does not necessarily have to involve the police or anything to do with what happened.

One question? Would you feel vindicated and better in yourself if this peice of shit was brought to justice? Sadly, it is probably a very hypothetical scenario as , as you have said, its unlikely to lead to that . I guess there are so many questions you need answering. Why being one of them, what made this person do what he did? Was he evil, or was he seriously screwed up and needs your pity (i dont mean you should pity him in the way you would a poorly animal, but maybe how you would pity a worm that had just been squashed.) Maybe that is a road you could go down, find out WHY these people feel the need to do this. I guess this is not the place to talk about this, and im far from qualified to ask these questions, but i was just posing some questions to help you decide whether or not you want to persue this.

Maybe you could have it as a maybe, possible midway target for your therapy, that you might do this, but will work through other things in the meantime. That takes the pressue off, because who knows, it may well be that during your therapy it might become something you want to do, or not.

Remember, this is YOUR life, YOUR decision and YOU are in control here. I suppose the psychiatrist giving you the option to either go to the police or not, is really giving you back a great deal of control (something that is very important to you) you are totally in control of whether you go to the police or not. So that is already a battle won.

Just wish i could say something that made sense, hope that you have had a good weekend with the weather behaving itself. Give that gorgeous hubby a hug too

Jen, you are right, you should not feel guilty in any way about that person's actions since his attack on you. At the moment your priority is yourself and your family - not what might have been or what might happen if you do or don't take this further.

A lot is going through your mind at the moment - it was only 2 days ago that you had your appt after all. No need to put pressure on yourself to make decisions quickly and feel rushed into doing so.

Nappies, so sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation too. Hope that you and Jen are able to support and comfort each other in ways that those of us with no personal experience can't.

hmmm, im a bit dubious about the advice to contat the person who didnt help. like you say; what for? what would it achieve? what would you want it to achieve?
i cant see the point of it myself.
but then, im not a psychiatrist.

I think LEM has a very good idea - of NOT making any decisions about contacting the police. I don't have any personal experience of this, but I would have thought if you were feeling very depressed, then at this point, prior to having any treatment reliving the details of the attack in an official context would be bad for you unless you felt that you were 100% committed to doing it.

Please dont feel responsible, you are in no way responsible in any tiny way if this man repeated his crimes.

The fact you have "knowledge" about him seems to play on your mind. Could you make the report anonymously through crimestoppers or something?? That way you dont have to get involved if you dont want to.

The only reason im suggesting this is because it might help YOU, no one else, sorry that might seem harsh, but you have to focus on you.

If you asked me if you should go to the police i would have to be honest and say i really dont know, i do wonder if it were me, i probably wouldnt but whether that would be the right decision or not, god knows.