False safeguarding referral after I disclosed ADHD and raised data concerns- is this retaliation from my child’s daycare?

[MinervaSwordss]

Hi all,

I’m writing this in the middle of the night, completely exhausted and emotionally drained. I haven’t slept properly in four days. I’m a working mum, raising my son with all the love, structure, and intention I can — and I feel like the very people I trusted to help me care for him have turned against me.

On 3rd April, my son’s daycare made a safeguarding referral about me. Not because of abuse or neglect — I want to be really clear about that. But after I disclosed that I have ADHD (something I shared openly and in good faith), and raised concerns about their data handling and lack of communication, things suddenly shifted.

They didn’t speak to me. They didn’t ask questions. They didn’t clarify or follow any transparent process. They simply filed a safeguarding concern. As of now, I have no access to information about my son, no support, and no explanation. I’ve been left to care for him full-time while still having to work full-time. I feel like I’m being punished for speaking up — or worse, for having a disability.

I have audio evidence that shows inconsistencies in their claims. I’ve submitted a Subject Access Request, and I’m seeking legal advice. But it doesn’t undo the emotional damage — not just to me, but to everything I’ve fought for as a mother.

This entire situation has reactivated childhood trauma for me. I was bullied from age 4 to 13 and never felt safe in school. So I’ve spent my whole adult life making sure my son would grow up safe, supported, and loved. He’s bright, kind, emotionally intelligent — everyone in our community knows and loves him. We’ve built a village. And now I feel like that’s being taken away, based on a false narrative I wasn’t even allowed to respond to.

The worst part? They’ve stained my parenting record, possibly permanently, and no one ever asked for my side of the story.

I’m in therapy, I’m documenting everything, and I’m fighting this legally — but I feel completely overwhelmed. All I want is to raise my son in peace, with dignity, and with the honesty and kindness I model for him every day.

My questions to the community:
• Has anyone been through something similar?
• Why would a nursery or daycare file a false safeguarding referral?
• What are your rights when this happens?
• Can a parent ever recover from this — legally or emotionally?

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m not usually one to post about personal things, but I feel deeply hurt and alone. I’m hoping someone out there understands, or can shed some light on what I’m facing.

— MS

It’s so hard to advise without more context. What are they alleging in the referral to safeguarding? What were your issues with nursery? I’m sure the investigation will uncover the facts of the matter. There’s a very high threshold for taking action against parents due to lack of resources so it’s unlikely their referral will come to anything.

I think you should be focusing on the content of their referral, not playing tit for tat. If there are safeguarding issues around your son, your ADHD is not a excuse

It sounds as though things escalated quickly. Trying to understand more of the background, what prompted this and what reason did the nursery give for excluding your child?

I agree that the safeguarding referral is unlikely to come to much.

Commenting as a teacher.

i don’t know what the referral was.

as teachers we are given training on what abuse or neglect (which these days is seen is a type of abuse) “looks like”.

we are then encouraged to report any signs or symptoms - eg bruises or physical damage to the child.

it then goes to someone in management who makes a decision as to whether to refer to social services.

most referrals to social services don’t result and any action, usually because (for example) the social worker phones up the family and finds out that little billy fell over in the garden and has lots of bruises.

it’s only if there is repeated incidents or if there’s a lot of evidence for abuse or neglect that social services will act.

even then, they will investigate.

so for example if a child alleges that their parent physically abuses them it’s possible for social services to put the child in temporary foster care while the allegations are investigated.

the key point is that social services do investigate the referrals that are made to them.

these days, any under 18 attending an a and e for an accident generates a social services referral.

most referrals are strictly factual as teachers and daycare staff are taught to write down only what they saw and or what the child said.

so you probably won’t get anywhere with saying the referral is false because it probably says something like “Billy had a bruise on his arm and said “my mum hit me” which will be a true statement of what Billy did.

What “parenting record” are you talking about? There’s no such thing. Whilst the referral is no doubt upsetting to you, if there’s nothing to worry about, social services will close the case. Just co operate with them and let them find out for themselves.
Im assuming by “audio evidence” you mean you’ve secretly recorded them… this is quite extreme and I suspect there’s more background to this than you’ve explained here. Childcare professionals couldn’t make a referral on the basis of you having an ADHD diagnosis alone unless there were reasons they felt your child’s welfare was being compromised. You’re unlikely to be the only neurodivergent parent on their books.

hi OP sorry you're stressed but just wanted to add I think it's probably best you make new childcare arrangements now as your relationship with these people has clearly broken down.

For whatever reason (and I strongly suspect it's because you taped them) they don't want to accommodate your child.

There's a shortage of childcare at the moment and it seems as though nurseries are aware of this - they are going to let go of any problematic families if at all possible, and if they give them an excuse, even better. I would imagine there is a huge amount of behind the scenes work to running a nursery, adding to that by giving them even more work with complains and covert recordings probably makes it financially not worth it for them.

It's nothing to do with your ADHD, As a pp said, you're not the only parent with ADHD.

I hope you manage to find good alternative childcare.

There's clearly more to the story than you're having adhd. Plenty of parents have disabilities, and some far worse than that.

In fact, I remember a thread with an autistic mum who couldn't work and her autism and adhd became so bad she couldn't even take her children to school. She found the school run overwhelming and instead arranged for her children to be in breakfast club and after school club, hence doing ten hour school days, which is longer than an adult working day, so her husband could drop them off and pick them up on the way to work.

She never got a safeguarding referral. Despite having such severe disabilities, which meant she couldn't even do the school run or work.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but there must be more to it than what you ve said. I'm guessing your son isn't in the nursery anymore.As you're working and caring for him full time.So you must be working from home whilst looking after him.

The safeguarding referral probably won't come to anything.Just wait for it to be over and find him a new nursery.

You won’t have been referred to SS for having ADHD. There’s obviously far more to this that you aren’t sharing, surely?

Social care would not be interested in a referral about a child because their parent has a condition. If the condition is part of a bigger picture of neglect or abuse that would be different, but on its own, it's not a safeguarding concern. You may have been referred to Early Help if you aren't coping. However, I suspect your place has been withdrawn as they do not appreciate your attitude towards them, which seems intense to say the least.

The care and what is best for your child should be your top priority not what you think of them and how it affects you as a parent, they are trying to put your child first you do not appear to be doing so, maybe concentrate on that first and formost, it is not a conspiracy toward you but someone trying to show care for your child

That’s not how safeguarding works. The Nursery will have contacted Children's Services to ask for advice regarding a specific concern they may have, then CS will look at the information to decide if it meets threshold for further investigation - a parent having ADHD would not meet this threshold.
Following the referral, if CS deem it to have met the threshold then they will investigate, firstly by speaking to the parents. It sounds like you’ve removed your dc from nursery, which isn’t a great thing to do during any CS investigation as it looks like you’re avoiding any contact.
So what precisely did nursery contact CS for?

Have you removed your child from nursery or have they excluded him or asked him
to leave?

I did an ADHD assessment and many of the questions were related to parenting. Apparently forgetting to pick up your child up was a very common issue. Losing them in a public location was another one.

I can also imagine that getting a child to school on time (or at all) is a widespread ADHD problem. Same for the quality and quantity of their packed lunch or remembering their clothing/water/books.

It must said that ADHD is a reason but not an excuse. If the safeguarding concern was legitimate then it's still valid, regardless of what caused it.

According to staff, my child allegedly said something about me during an exercise—yet there was no record of this in her daily log. In fact, on the specific day they claimed the statement occurred, the log was completely empty.

A few weeks prior, I had raised a concern about a male staff member. My child had mentioned not liking him, although she couldn’t articulate why. Out of an abundance of caution, I shared this with the management, stating clearly that I trusted they were taking care of my child but would appreciate clarity given I wasn’t there to see for myself. The staff member in question was subsequently let go, but I received no follow-up or explanation.

Soon after, I received a form stating I was being referred to social services due to an allegation that I “slap” my child—an accusation made without any pattern, context, or evidence. There is no prior record or concern raised, and the escalation felt abrupt and retaliatory.

I have been part of this nursery community for over two years. We are a known family in a close-knit area, and we had built a strong bond with the staff. However, since the change in leadership, several families have left—some due to specific issues with the current director. For example, one parent was denied access for a babysitter to collect their child because she had previously worked at the nursery. This was allegedly against policy, yet the policy itself was misrepresented.

My concern is not just the referral itself, but the way it was handled: with no transparent process, no attempt at a proper investigation, and no communication with me before escalating. I have nothing to hide. I have ADHD, which I’ve disclosed to the nursery, and I’ve also expressed concerns about my daughter, who has been increasingly frustrated about attending since January. I’ve even asked for an assessment to better understand her needs.

This place was once a loving, trusted space for our family, but I now feel the leadership’s actions are motivated by something other than concern for the children. Serious concerns have been raised, including mine, with no meaningful follow-up. This latest action feels retaliatory, especially since no one has clearly explained the issue, the process followed, or what exactly my daughter said or how the information was obtained.

If a child says a parent hit them that would not be written into their log but recorded separately as a safeguarding issue.

And the nursery has to act upon it, no matter how much you are known in the community.

If your child has made a comment which has prompted a safeguarding referral, the nursery MUST NOT discuss it with you or carry out any investigation. To do so would be viewed as prejudicial to any evidence obtained later.
Equally, they MUST NOT discuss any personal details or disciplinary actions against staff members even if you were the initial complainant, the staff member has a right to privacy. GDPR
The nursery appears to have acted correctly in the circumstances.

We are a known family in a close-knit area, and we had built a strong bond with the staff

Unless you're the royal family, you re not a well known family. And you have zero standing as not even the royal family is immune from criticism.

It's actually quite distasteful to say my family is big is a big deal, and therefore we shouldn't be criticized. It's no defense at all, and I think you know that.

If you've had no contact from SS, they didn't even consider it worth investigating. It really is a non issue

To put it in context, there was at least 5 safeguarding referrals put in on my ex, 2 of which were actually provable deprivation of necessery medical care, all by professionals third parties, all of which were nfa-ed or considered not serious enough to look at. The final one which involved documented injuries was nearly nfa-ed until their headteacher kicked up a stink and the SW who did investigate described him as a charming, hard working man who cared Deeply about his children, but maybe the children might want only indirect contact.

Seriously one referral, with no verifiable injuries, that you haven't heard anything about means absolutely nothing. Literally noone cares except you. That's not to say you haven't a right to be upset, but don't let it upset you so much it causes you anxiety for the future

It does sound like your faith in the nursery is gone though. Can you change?

Something your child disclose would not be written in the daily log, it would be written on the “cause for concern” form and then passed to management to decide whether to escalate it.

you don’t get referred for having ADHD, there is much more to this than you are saying.

a safeguarding report about a child is lots of paperwork, no staff member wants to fill these forms out due to the time it takes, unless something serious has been said or alleged.

so please be honest with yourself and everyone else..

There is not! And I came here to get empathy and you just missing the point. I was hoping to see if any other mother had went through similar situation and provide support. If you’re a great mother and you are being accused of sth out of character that you didn’t do that really hurts! Have a nice day!

Son or daughter? You've said both.

Hi,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. If you're child has said something then nursery have to record it. It would be on a separate log to the day to day stuff. Young children do sometimes say things that aren't true, but it's nursery's responsibility to follow it up regardless - they can't say 'oh they look like a nice family, let's not bother with it' or they would be quite rightly getting shut down.

You're not going to be in 'trouble' or have social services knocking on your door for this. But it's not something you should take personally from the nursery. It does sound like you have a lot of other issues with them though so maybe you should see if there is another setting available for a fresh start.

If your child has told nursery staff ‘mummy smacked me’ then the staff has a duty of care to follow safeguarding procedures. What is it about that that you don’t understand?

Gently OP, I don’t think you understand how safeguarding works. If a child says something that staff feel is a concern, they are duty bound to report it. It is correct procedure not to talk to you directly and you being part of a well known family in the community is irrelevant when it comes to safeguarding.
You were happy enough to raise concerns about a member of staff (I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have done that) but again, safeguarding policy means that they wouldn’t tell you the outcome of the result of your voicing concern.
You need to work with the nursery; not see them as enemies.

have audio evidence that shows inconsistencies in their claims. I’ve submitted a Subject Access Request, and I’m seeking legal advice. But it doesn’t undo the emotional damage — not just to me, but to everything I’ve fought for as a mother
Why are you recording phone calls? What do you want a SAR for? Your last sentence sounds flaky!