False safeguarding referral after I disclosed ADHD and raised data concerns- is this retaliation from my child’s daycare?

[MinervaSwordss]

Hi all,

I’m writing this in the middle of the night, completely exhausted and emotionally drained. I haven’t slept properly in four days. I’m a working mum, raising my son with all the love, structure, and intention I can — and I feel like the very people I trusted to help me care for him have turned against me.

On 3rd April, my son’s daycare made a safeguarding referral about me. Not because of abuse or neglect — I want to be really clear about that. But after I disclosed that I have ADHD (something I shared openly and in good faith), and raised concerns about their data handling and lack of communication, things suddenly shifted.

They didn’t speak to me. They didn’t ask questions. They didn’t clarify or follow any transparent process. They simply filed a safeguarding concern. As of now, I have no access to information about my son, no support, and no explanation. I’ve been left to care for him full-time while still having to work full-time. I feel like I’m being punished for speaking up — or worse, for having a disability.

I have audio evidence that shows inconsistencies in their claims. I’ve submitted a Subject Access Request, and I’m seeking legal advice. But it doesn’t undo the emotional damage — not just to me, but to everything I’ve fought for as a mother.

This entire situation has reactivated childhood trauma for me. I was bullied from age 4 to 13 and never felt safe in school. So I’ve spent my whole adult life making sure my son would grow up safe, supported, and loved. He’s bright, kind, emotionally intelligent — everyone in our community knows and loves him. We’ve built a village. And now I feel like that’s being taken away, based on a false narrative I wasn’t even allowed to respond to.

The worst part? They’ve stained my parenting record, possibly permanently, and no one ever asked for my side of the story.

I’m in therapy, I’m documenting everything, and I’m fighting this legally — but I feel completely overwhelmed. All I want is to raise my son in peace, with dignity, and with the honesty and kindness I model for him every day.

My questions to the community:
• Has anyone been through something similar?
• Why would a nursery or daycare file a false safeguarding referral?
• What are your rights when this happens?
• Can a parent ever recover from this — legally or emotionally?

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m not usually one to post about personal things, but I feel deeply hurt and alone. I’m hoping someone out there understands, or can shed some light on what I’m facing.

— MS

Believe me I have tried to…

I have audio evidence.

You you've recorded them covertly. Or what? That won't look.good.

Would you like to tell us what you have audio evidence of?

I'm not sure what you are seeking legal advice for?

The referral was handled correctly.

it sounds like your child said something about you slapping her.

the nursery followed the correct process.

the process is documented, and does not involve communicating with parents for obvious reasons.

This is some of the documentation around the process.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/66ce094e8e33f28aae7e1f6d/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_2024_part_one.pdf

Forget the nursery, your relationship with them has broken down for whatever reason.

The bigger picture is that you now need to find alternative childcare. Whether the safeguarding referral was vexatious or not, your son can no longer attend there.

Instead of wasting your time and energy on fruitless legal processes, draw a line under it and find a new nursery.

I understand you are anxious about the referral, but PP are right it will most likely come to nothing, or if they are concerned you will be referred to early help. Don't fixate on the nursery. There's nothing to be done about it now.

I'm a (secondary school) senior safeguarding lead.

I think it's relevant here that you have posted on the Mental Health board. In the gentlest way possible @MinervaSwordss you post is incredibly self-centred. That is a sign of MH struggles, which I would make an educated guess are relevant in the way you are responding to this incident.

Try turning your thinking to put your child - not you - in the centre of this.

The referral was made because people at nursery who care about your child had a significant worry. That is action of a loving, trusted space for your child.

That action has led to uncomfortable feelings about yourself. That doesn't change the above paragraph though. Some questions:

● Have you had contact from a social worker? (because you might not)
● If you have, are they doing an assessment? Have you been asked for your consent to do the assessment of needs? (Because sometimes this needs consent and sometimes it doesnt)
● Does another adult live in the home with you?

Childrens services are there to help you. That's all. Maybe you need help?

Your daughters voice is important. If she's said she was slapped, it's correct to be worried about that and not dismiss it. This doesn't mean shell be taken away or anything like that. Maybe you need some help to learn different ways to respond when she gets really difficult and challenging? Childrens services can offer you non-judgemental support and help in that.

This is a very well thought out and reasoned response.

OP - you sound overwhelmed, and are making some poorly thought out choices as a result of this.

It's not for the nursery to investigate a claim made by a child of physical abuse from a parent. What do you have audio evidence of?

It's not correct to say that safeguarding referrals should not be communicated to parents. They absolutely should, and in this case clearly they have. The only time a referrer should contact children's services without informing a parent is when there is a risk of immediate harm and potential police involvement.

It's not the case to say that the nursery must not discuss a safeguarding referral. They should absolutely inform the parent that they have made the referral.

Ive had something similar, twice, OP.

First time, I missed some antenatal appointments because the hosputal sent the letters to the wrong address.

Second time, my neighbour made an exaggerated report to the police about DD accidentally getting herself locked out on the balconey.

Both were really worrying at the time. Neither resulted in any action from SS.

I wanted to puck up on your comments about a "parenting record". As PP said, theres really no such thing. But i can appreciate your worry as I had similar feelings about being tarred for life. I did think that the referrals were a shameful thing that would have a stigma in the long term.

The thing is, OP, that the threshold for reporting a concern to SS is very low. Wheras the threshold for SS taking action is very high. This means that there are loads of Mums out there like me and you who have had a report made and then nothing happened. I read as high as 1 in 4 parents. As you continue your parenting journey you will probably meet some of them and realise that your experiance is not unusual or anything to be ashamed of.

It sounds like its been a really horrible time for you, OP, and brought up some feelings from your past. It moght be an idea to seek counselling.

If you want to do something practical to reduce your worry, you can call social services and ask whether there are any current child protection concerns and l, if so, what you can do to resolve them. You will probably be told that the case is already closed.

You can also reach out to any Mum friends you have made at the nursery and arrange a play date. When something like this happens its easy to imagine yourself as some kind of outcast and retreat into yourself. If you put yourself out there you will find that many people are still fine with you, and may even be supportive.

If your child made a disclosure then this is the worry.
They do not need to discuss it with you beforehand sorry. They may, but most do not if that person might be the problem.

Imagine if the child said you sexually abused him. They would again not ask you your version. This is just an example and not an accusation.

The rule is to pass on information and be wrong rather than fail to act.
Sometimes lots of little niggles hit the threshold rather than a large incident
If there are no concerns nothing will come of it.
If you need support this may be offered
If more is revealed they may act on this

Wait and see what happens and deal with that, not what might or might not happen.

They are safeguarding your child and are dammed if they do and dammed if they don't. Hopefully, it will all come to a reasonable conclusion soon.

You haven’t been referred for having ADHD, you’ve been referred because your LO has said to nursery that you have “slapped” them. Nursery have a duty of care to the child (not to you) to report these things incase anything is happening at home. Surely that’s not hard to comprehend.

Hopefully you are feeling reassured, OP:

1. There is no such thing as a parenting record, permanent or otherwise; there may be some notes in your son-daughter's children's services record, but unless there are further safeguarding concerns, these are very unlikely to be looked at ever again.

1. All HR processes regarding nursery staff are confidential and would never be shared with you.

1. Settings should absolutely not investigate safeguarding concerns, nor should they refrain from making a referral just because the family is known to them. They absolutely should let you know about the referral UNLESS DOING SO WOULD PLACE A CHILD OR ADULT AT INCREASED RISK.

1. Taking legal advice, making secret recordings etc. are a hiding to nothing; the MASH process will run its course and most likely lead to no further action.

This is a very good point. Childcare and school settings are trained to report any and all concerns, as it's not their job to decide whether thresholds for intervention are met and obviously they don't have access to other agency records. Whereas social services receive thousands of referrals per month that don't go anywhere. This is all correct and appropriate.

I think the situation isn't being helped by the dramatic and emotional way you seem to be viewing the situation.

You saw a loving, trusted environment, and feel betrayed. In reality, the nursery is a business providing a service for pay. It is not a family. The nursery abides by rules which they must follow, including making referrals if someone says someone slaps a child. It's not personal. It's not even unusual. Kids say lots of things.

Within all the misunderstandings or offhand jokes that are raised as safeguarding concerns, there will be some where a child is being harmed. So they can't be concerned with your feelings, they have to comply with the process. They are providing a service for your child, not for you.

Your ADHD isn't relevant, and your recorded evidence is harmful as opposed to helpful. It shows you are perfectly willing to break the law by recording people in their workplace without consent.

If a child states there parent has slapped them, then of course it will be referred. It doesn’t matter one jot whether you are a ‘well-known family’ or not (royalty? drug dealers? Mafia?)

I’m still failing to see where your ADHD comes into play here. Have you slapped your child/lost your temper because of your ADHD? You aren’t making any sense.

So you weren’t referred for having ADHD. The referral was made because your child made a disclosure of physical abuse. The daycare have behaved entirely appropriately here. What would you rather they did? Ignore any child who reported having been hit?
Clearly you’ve been made aware of the nature of the referral so I’m not sure what more dialogue you want from them, it’s up to social services to handle it now.

This is what I was going to say. By completely misrepresenting the reason for the referral you’re not helping yourself.

So to answer the questions you raised
Has anyone been through something similar? lots of people will have had safeguarding concerns raised against them, which they may not even know about because it will be a case of a form being filled in at school or nursery, and it going no further. Many others will ha e had referrals to social services, either as a result of one of these concerns being raised, or because the child and family us identified as needing extra support
Why would a nursery or daycare file a false safeguarding referral? It is not a false referral if your child has said they wrre slapped...it just means someone working with your child is doing the right thing in reporting this. It may be that your child has said something in the wrong context or even made it up, bit it is the correct thing for the staff to have written up a safeguarding concern.
What are your rights when this happens? Your rights are that nursery/school will let you know a referral has been made - which they did unless there are concerns which means that police or other professional may be involved or the child is in immediate danger. Your child's rights are that they will be listened to and that all adults around them and involved in their care will act in their best interests.
can a parent ever recover from this — legally or emotionally? that depends on the circumstances, and facts of the situation. Does it feel awful to feel as though people are judging us- yes. Is it right that the people we entrust with the care of our children raise concerns when they have them - yes.
Ultimately what matters is your child and their wellbeing... that should be paramount.

Ok to give the other side to the above.

I was actively recorded as being emotionally abusive to DC because "i had such a poor opinion of the DC's father it was damaging my childrens relationship" (the SW hac asked if I thought he was abusive and I told them exactly what I thought).

So yes for years the only SS's expressed concern was about me. Fairly in my case, I had a very poor opinion of the abusive git.

I cried alot, wondered if they were right and I just couldn't see it, made a few conplaints (wouldnt bother if i had me timd over) took myself to counselling....

And got on with the job of raising my children.

I knew the truth. The reality did eventually out.

You know the truth. Do what you need to do to get on with your life

Have you secretly been recording nursery?

Help me understand how your son turned into a daughter overnight 🧐