False safeguarding referral after I disclosed ADHD and raised data concerns- is this retaliation from my child’s daycare?

[MinervaSwordss]

Hi all,

I’m writing this in the middle of the night, completely exhausted and emotionally drained. I haven’t slept properly in four days. I’m a working mum, raising my son with all the love, structure, and intention I can — and I feel like the very people I trusted to help me care for him have turned against me.

On 3rd April, my son’s daycare made a safeguarding referral about me. Not because of abuse or neglect — I want to be really clear about that. But after I disclosed that I have ADHD (something I shared openly and in good faith), and raised concerns about their data handling and lack of communication, things suddenly shifted.

They didn’t speak to me. They didn’t ask questions. They didn’t clarify or follow any transparent process. They simply filed a safeguarding concern. As of now, I have no access to information about my son, no support, and no explanation. I’ve been left to care for him full-time while still having to work full-time. I feel like I’m being punished for speaking up — or worse, for having a disability.

I have audio evidence that shows inconsistencies in their claims. I’ve submitted a Subject Access Request, and I’m seeking legal advice. But it doesn’t undo the emotional damage — not just to me, but to everything I’ve fought for as a mother.

This entire situation has reactivated childhood trauma for me. I was bullied from age 4 to 13 and never felt safe in school. So I’ve spent my whole adult life making sure my son would grow up safe, supported, and loved. He’s bright, kind, emotionally intelligent — everyone in our community knows and loves him. We’ve built a village. And now I feel like that’s being taken away, based on a false narrative I wasn’t even allowed to respond to.

The worst part? They’ve stained my parenting record, possibly permanently, and no one ever asked for my side of the story.

I’m in therapy, I’m documenting everything, and I’m fighting this legally — but I feel completely overwhelmed. All I want is to raise my son in peace, with dignity, and with the honesty and kindness I model for him every day.

My questions to the community:
• Has anyone been through something similar?
• Why would a nursery or daycare file a false safeguarding referral?
• What are your rights when this happens?
• Can a parent ever recover from this — legally or emotionally?

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m not usually one to post about personal things, but I feel deeply hurt and alone. I’m hoping someone out there understands, or can shed some light on what I’m facing.

— MS

I received a form stating I was being referred to social services due to an allegation that I “slap” my child
That is the ONLY reason you got referred to SS, the rest of your posts is fluff and distraction, trying for the pity party rather than focusing on the alleged abuse.

Why are you recording staff and taking legal action? And have you posted about something similar before as this seems really familiar.

Did you withdraw or or did they ask you to leave?

I don't think anyone can help you unless you're honest. And you're not really being honest - first you said it was your son, then that changed to your daughter. First it was because of ADHD then it was because your daughter said you slapped her. So it's confusing. And what did you mean about your fight as a mother? I appreciate you're feeling very upset but I think if you were just open and clearer about what happened people would be able to help more.

Don’t move nurseries. This will raise more safeguarding flags. The nursery were doing their job properly and followed the correct procedure. You need to embrace any overtures made by SS or social workers. They will likely drop the case or offer you support.
If your ADHD makes parenting harder at times then surely you can see that from the child’s perspective, any help would be of benefit?

I have ADHD @MinervaSwordssand I don’t know about you but a component of mine (and many with ADHD) is a strong reaction to [perceived] criticism or rejection, known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It’s difficult to describe this but it feels like complete devastation and over-personalised about an “attack” when we are doing our best and sometimes we react to it in a way that is not proportionate, sometimes by “acting out” in a defensive, hurt reaction or “acting in” by ruminating, extreme self-criticism and isolating from others (or both). I’m not diminishing your situation but I wonder if your ADHD is relevant to your reaction? I also wonder if RSD means that you spend a lot of time trying to micro-manage your reputation and manage away any less than positive interaction from the nursery to prevent “rejection” of your DC and by extension of you? I’m not saying this is the case for you but you wouldn’t be unusual if it was part of your ADHD.

The nursery is following the requirements set down in law as they would and should do for any of our children in the same circumstances. I know when there is a question mark over our parenting it’s very upsetting but actually this isn’t personal as such.

OP said in her post she was left to care for her child FT

I took that to mean the nursery has withdrawn her place.

If i got the wrong end of the stick, I agree with you.

It must be really hard for you OP.

but as others have said, the referral to SS wasn’t personal, there was a good reason for it

You sound highly anxious, possibly to do with your ADHD and to me I get the feeling you were getting on the nurseries nerves before your daughter said what she said.

Focus now on continuing to be a good mum and finding a childcare you trust

Oh and no way should you stay at the nursery, it sounds as though your daughter isn’t enjoying it there either and it would be terribly awkward now.

We had a malicious referral made about us by the childminder. This followed us raising concerns to her about leaving our youngest in the same nappy all day and that the children weren't being fed enough for lunch. Nothing came of it as it didn't meet threshold and the agency checks with health visitor didn't raise any concerns. However our trust in her was utterly broken and we were left devastated that someone would do such a thing.

@BlueMoon23

How do you know it was malicious?

Just like nurseries, they have a duty of care.

Because there was no basis for the referral and no evidence. Before you ask, I spoke to the social worker who confirmed this. Of course they have a duty to report where there are safeguarding concerns.

@BlueMoon23

Of course I very much believe you that if didn’t meet a threshold especially if there was no evidence. There must have been a reason you were referred though.

I think that’s why it’s very hard for early years workers, especially childminders with a more personal relationship with parents, to report concerns as it’ll result in a reaction like yours (totally normal and human of course) either to say it’s retaliation or to feel totally betrayed, and no action taken in the end from SS.

It’s a shame

As a childcare provider, I can tell you that a child disclosing that a parent has slapped them does need to be referred on.

It doesn't matter if the nursery have a great bond with you and think you are a great parent - they have no training to investigate abuse, their role is simply to refer. It's not personal.

The one point you may have is that they should let you know they are making the referral. Presumably someone has told you though?

Don't panic though, I have had to make similar referrals and social services are very unlikely to be interested in a first time allegation from a young child of a slap/smack without any other concerns. The nursery may signpost you to parenting classes or support groups or possibly Early Help.

Excellent point @YouOKHun. RSD could well be at the root of the OP’s reactions.

Yes you are correct, I worded it badly. They should let the OP know that a referral has been made, in general terms, (assuming no immediate serious risk) but not discuss the details of the referral or ask any questions which could prejudice any investigation or put at risk child, parent or caregiver.
edited : meant to reply to
@FortyElephants

The one point you may have is that they should let you know they are making the referral. Presumably someone has told you though?
I think the OP said in her second post that they informed her about the referral.