I can’t because of my beautiful girls

[70s]

But I am so low a lot of the time and spend time planning how to end it all. I won’t as I have them but I’m trapped.
nearly my whole life spent low, worrying and generally miserable. Bullied at school, sexually assaulted at 15 m, addiction in the family,
I’ve tried therapy, allsorts.
to the outside world I have it all but inside I wish I’d just die in my sleep.
work is causing me a lot of stress, I constantly worry and I am 20k in debt. I have undiagnosed adhd and have spent my whole life masking.!!it’s soul destroying and I am grasping at the last straw.
id appreciate any words of support, wisdom or how you’ve turned things around

I’m sorry you are feeling so low. You are doing so well given what you’re up against. Virtual hugs from me. I always recommend the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube for practical, low cost, simple strategies to overcome the legacy of a difficult early life given with kindness, compassion and good humour.

Hello OP,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well, which we appreciate you have tried.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to say that you are doing an amazing job having gone through all that. Your girls need you, always. Hopefully someone comes long soon with some advice.

I can't offer you anything but my love and prayers that you find the joy in your life to enable you to carry on.

Can you take a break out of work ? I have had to do it to focus on getting well, it's the most important thing. You could possibly get sickness/ disability benefit

You have got such a lot of trauma stacked up there. I'm not surprised you find things hard going. Can you try and focus on just one of your challenges at a time: I'm aware that undiagnosed ADHD can cause soooo many huge issues, more than people can imagine (My DS22). Lack of executive functions can make daily life so difficult and it's often accompanied by emotional dysregulation. Life can seem like an exhausting torturous trauma. Would you consider moving towards a diagnosis (i know waiting lists are long) and there is a possibility that medication could help.
In the meantime, Do you have anyone to support you? If not, I'd research support groups online or locally. I'm a member of a great one for parents of children with poor mental health. It's a nice online community where the other members really understand what you're going through.
It's really important to try and take care of yourself, to try and find even just brief moments in the day to find some calm or some fun.
It's shit not having money too. It shapes your whole life and is impossible to forget about, but it IS possible to look after yourself a bit without spending.

Thank you all for your kind comments and I will take every suggestion on board. This shot won’t ever beat me, but I wish I could just enjoy life rather than dread it. X

Have you tried any antidepressants? Can be a game changer for some. Also, could your hormones be contributing to? Perimenopause (usually in your 40s) can be very hard on your mental health.

Speak to the gp about a "right to choose" adhd assessment. It's a long wait but at least you're on the list then.

Regarding the debt try to transfer as much as possible to 0% and pay the highest interest ones first. Set aside a set amount each month that is manageable that goes to it and just view it as an ongoing bill.

For the mental health aspect, is your house tidy? That can contribute to poor mental health if not, and with ADHD is likely harder to manage.
Try to pick one room a night to tidy once the girls are in bed, put a podcast on so you're not as bored, and if there is clutter getting in the way of cleaning then get a bag for each room, put everything out into the bag and then tidy bit by bit from the bag. It's less overwhelming that way and you see more immediate results.

Also try to plan getting out of the house at least once per weekend, even if its just a walk or going to the park.

Again thank you all for your help. I’m in perimenopause and started on a low dose hrt but I think this needs to be increased.
regarding the house. I have been decluttering for years and doing well. I had been hoarding but I am clearing out the clutter and some rooms look really nice now.
im scared about medication as I worry bout addiction as it runs in our family. I tried Sertraline years ago but didn’t manage on it so stopped.
moving yes I need to move more. I am trying to move more and simply need to make the first move but I am struggling with this even though o know it will make a huge difference.
thank you again