My mum hates that I'm pregnant and is making my life hell

[beehivettcbaby1]

Hi all, I thought I'd start by giving some background. It's lengthy so please bear with me.

I'm 25, I'm a registered nurse and in a long term relationship (8 years). We recently moved to Cornwall to be close to my family, whilst here we fall pregnant after 6 years of infertility and 8 miscarriages. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with my miracle girl.

Anyway, me and my mum have always had a strange relationship, she was 33 when she had me, she never picked me up from school or took me to the park. I spent my childhood at childminders as she always prioritised her work over being a mother. My mum is also a functioning alcoholic and can be really nasty at times. I've had years of therapy for complex PTSD due to my childhood. I could go on for days if not weeks however it's not beneficial for me writing it or anyone reading through my years of trauma.

Anyway, when I first found out I was pregnant she was nothing short of disappointed in me, in fact her reaction still breaks my heart. You'd think I was 14 and had fallen pregnant by a stranger. She doesn't ask me how I am, how my pregnancy is. She hasn't bought anything for her granddaughter, she isn't remotely interested in speaking about the baby. (Unless she's on Facebook, in which she is the grandmother of the year). She is totally dismissive whenever I talk about my baby.

Today, after Xmas food shopping my midwife calls me and we decide on a date to do my birth plan, my mum asks what the call was about, I tell her it's to do a pre natal and post natal birth plan (little does she know the plan is with peri natal mental health due to the fact I still struggle). I say to my mum "my only real plan is to be at home with baby girl for 2/3 weeks in front of the fire). My gosh, you'd think I just said something awful. She absolutely flies off the handle, I sit back.. we are in a car, I'm around 40 minutes from home. I sit back and endure nothing short of vile abuse for around 35 minutes.

"It's not my fault I had to go back to work 3 weeks after you was born so you could have food on the table"
"It's not my fault I didn't bond with you"
"I don't even like you now as a person"
"I hope you don't do such a shit job like I did"
"You're lucky your grandfather is paying for your maternity you money grabbing (he's not, I've got SMP only and we've managed to save 4k by getting the majority of her belongings 2nd hand)

I could go on however my very clever brain has blocked the majority of it out.

Anyway we pull into a local shop that my mum insists she has to visit, despite me begging her to just drop me home. After enduring all this abuse of course my brain can't take it anymore and I have the mother of all panic attacks. I'm not sure if it's because my brain knew I was safe and I could then get out the car. Anyway, hyperventilating and my neck is now stuck to my shoulder due to the panic attacks. My mum totally overacts, grabbing at my neck screaming and shouting saying how she needs to call an ambulance.

She begs for me to go in the shop with her (probably to parade me round the shop in a state playing mother of the year). I convince her it's not a good idea and she finally gets off my case and goes into the shop.

I sit in the car, bang another panic attack. In fact I have 2 more. She comes back to the car.. does she stop the abuse? No, she carry's on. This time she needs to know how long I've been having panic attacks for. I physically cannot breathe, I beg her to just give me some time to get my breath back.

How does she respond? "Bit of a dramatic response to the truth though don't you think"

Let me just reiterate I'm 30 nearly 31 weeks pregnant, I've had fluctuating panic attacks now for around 25 minutes.

My baby girl starts kicking me, I put my hand out the window and manage to freeze my hand enough that my brain kicks back in.

I don't know how to navigate this, I don't want my baby around my mother. I don't want my mother around me. I live rurally and I don't have any friends locally due to moving recently. Luckily I've got good support via peri natal mental health and an amazing partner.

This isn't new, I fell pregnant back in February. My mum done similar to this (again it was to do with me taking my maternity leave) and I miscarried my baby a few days later. I firmly believe it was due to the stress she put me under.

Thank you for reading, please give me some advice xx

I live 4 miles away, as soon as I can go no/ low contact I will. Trust me, my baby is safe with me x

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com helped me heal... as did books by sherrie campbell "but its your family...right?"

Stupid me wanted her mum in her life again..

Totally agree and I hear you. Thank you x

My partner is my bestest friend, when he got home I told him what had happened and he was absolutely devastated I was in that situation and all evening we have been figuring out ways it will never happen again.

He's seen me have a panic attack and knows they don't happen lightly, it takes something pretty massive to happen. We have escape plans for the next few meetings with her (Xmas day being one of them). Also she now won't be taking us or picking us up from the hospital when we have baby girl.

Thank you x

Why on earth did you move to be closer to your mum!!! You need to cut all contact with her!

What a beautiful and well rounded comment, thank you. You rounded that up perfectly so thank you.

You are right I don't owe her anything, but little people pleaser me will always feel like I do.

I got the gammon for Xmas lunch, cushioned with 2 sorry's "for whatever she said"

The most infuriating thing is I was doing this SO well before I moved down here to be closer to her. Silly silly me!!!!!! It's fine, I can always move away again.

Yep jealous and guilty she sure is, old and bitter too. I can't wait to be the best mum I can be, I can't wait to have a little girl to adore and love. I can't wait to see a little me without all the shit I had to go through.

She's pretty special already. She's a proper miracle baby.. and she's all mine x

I was young, maybe 18. I kept getting these gripping, horrible, pains in my stomach - they’d double me over and honestly, they were excruciating.
I spent a good amount of time in the ER.
One afternoon I was with my mum, running errands, when these pains started. I couldn’t speak they were so painful. I squeaked out that I needed to go to the hospital.
My mum instead drove to the suede shop and picked up the outfit my dad had gotten her for Christmas.
Those were my mum’s priorities.
I lost my gall bladder the following day.
What we want isn’t necessarily what we receive.
You’re about to become a mum, @beehivettcbaby1— it’s half past time to concentrate on yourself and your wellbeing and that of newborn.
Be good to yourself. ❤️

This.

You have your own daughter to protect now.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.

@beehivettcbaby1

I've done this before and my mum threatens to off herself, I didn't want to put it in the OP due to the trigger warning but it's pretty constant with her once she looses control. I've dragged her out of a lake before.

^ she threatens it because she knows it's a way to control you.
You've dragged her out of a lake before; so she tried to off herself in front of you ..... can you see what she's doing to you?
She is manipulating you; to keep you close / subdued to do what she wants. She is abusing you - I know it sounds strong - but she is. This is no different to a husband / wife relationship - we would call it abuse. Just because she is your mum let's not pretend that this behaviour is allowed or to be tolerated. Would you put up with it from your partner? - I'm willing to be you wouldn't.

You are about to be someone's mum; and you sound lovely; but you really need to put boundaries in now - before your baby comes.
You've already said After today I know that she will try to destroy me after I have my baby.

As much as you want her to be a mum to you - she is unable or unwilling.
I'm going with unwilling - because people who want to change; can.
They work on themselves & do better - she is not. And will not.

You can still care for your grandparent and be a good mother to your baby without her input. Your partner should help you in putting in some firm boundaries with your mother. But it needs to be lead by you.
Do you have a time frame for staying down there? Is this a short-term thing or are you staying permanently?

If you can self fund therapy I’d start there - if not then pop your name on the NhS waiting list (which is quite long). Use your MH team and see if they can help with a therapy referral and say it’s needed urgently. It doesn’t suit everyone but perhaps start with some CBT (if you’ve already had courses you could ask for some additional ones, with the aim of helping you set boundaries). Your mum has no boundaries to be ranting at you like that. She wasn’t respectful, kind or loving and that’s what you need - some loving support.

Id be really concerned about the effect on your DD of being around a person like that. My dad was of a similar nature and a really vile POS. When he was cruel to me whilst pregnant I made the decision to keep him from my DCs life. I made sure he had minimal contact - in fact he saw my DC three times in fifteen years.

When my DC was 15 they were thankfully mature and sensible enough to form their own opinion when we met my dad. DC saw through the fake niceness. DC was able to ignore the shitty comments made.

You sound in a fragile state. And you don't need your difficult mother making things worse, just go no contact for the foreseeable future.

@OrangeSlices998

i will be with her Xmas day but we’ve got an escape plan (2 house cats).

no its just me, I totally agree but I knew if I didn’t I’d be in for hours of comments and side glances over Xmas dinner on how I didn’t help with Xmas dinner. Sadly, I know how to play her games, I just fumbled with telling her my wish of being with my baby undisturbed,

trust me it won’t happen again, I’m so angry with myself for letting it happen but it’s a hard lesson I’ve had to learn yet again.

i just feel guilty my little girl was exposed to a panic attack for that long, she’s been a little quiet this evening but I’ve done everything in my handbook of happiness (a bath, cup of tea and of course some chocolates) and she’s moving around just fine. No doubt tired from the excitement of her grandmother..

thank you for your kind words x.

And just to add you’re in an awful position and you don’t deserve a mother like this - you deserve kindness and warmth and lots of love and hugs, someone who supports you. You’ve been through so much in life already and you don’t realise how strong you’ve been - which means you’re resilient, you’ll be a bloody good mum, because you know first hand how not to parent. 🌺

your probably feeling guilty because its your mum and trust me when you cut contact it will be hard but time does heal and i know how you feel all you have to think is that you cant raise your kids around that kind of energy especially after you give birth its will be harder as hormones and sleep deprived you cant function this kind of abuse
leave her to it she will be forever not happy for you because most likely she sounds like a narcissist its all about her, as a normal person would only think about you and your babys safety first because you are pregnant and cant have any stress.

You cannot change her OP. I know you think, somewhere inside that you can. That you can just figure out how to handle her, what to do to flip the switch and really make her love you and be kind to you and treat you right. But you can’t make her change, because none of this is your fault.

I realised this about my father when I was 30. I haven’t spoken to him in 10 years now, he hasn’t met my children. We are much better off without him in our lives, no how painful it is to me that he chose not to be a loving father.

You sound lovely, and you already love your little baby. It’s time to grow a very thick skin and protect yourself and your baby from this woman. You might not be able to do it in one step - I want to go through your posts with red pen and cross out “soon, when I can, I can’t yet, I’ll see her as little as possible” but I know it’s not that easy when you’re in the middle of it - but you need to work towards not having her in your life.

@bridesmaid1024

i am an absolute take no shit from nobody however my mum has a hold on me, of course she’s my mum. I want nothing but to be loved by her.

my granddad is elderly and won’t be long for this world as awful as that sounds, as soon as I can move away I will, there is nobody else to care for him and to be honest I know I’m the best person for him.

im going to take the next 8 weeks before baby comes to focus on setting boundaries because you are totally right! X

@Viviennemary

hey, please don’t mistake my honesty for being fragile, I’m hormonal for sure but strong. I’ve come a long way x

The only way you'll be a good mum is if you gut your own mother out of your life
NO way should she be in your life

@FeliznaviDogs

hey, I’ve been through the STEPPS programme through the NHS. All together I’ve done around 4 years of therapy, I’ve been on anti psychotics and then mood stabilisers, I went through therapy and I’m now on no medication and doing well (when I’m not trapped in a car with a narc of a mother)

I’ve been utilising the peri natal mental health team who I self referred to as I managed to hide my colourful history as I had moved trusts, if I was still back home it would of been an instant referral from the community mental health team to peri natal but I fell through the gaps. I took it upon myself to make sure I had help during this time as I knew my mother would raise her ugly head.

it’s so hard to navigate what to do, my Nan was my absolute world and the only woman to show me any form of maternal love however she passed away. My best friends grand mother was an awful mother but an amazing nan. I don’t want to deny my daughter a grand mother (my mum done it, I grew up with those 2 arguing constantly and never had a relationship with her). A grandmother / grandchild relationship is very different to mother and daughter. I feel I’m going to have to give her the benefit of the doubt and make sure it is always supervised, the minute she shows any coldness to me with my daughter present we will be out of the house straight away.

STEPPS gave me what my mother never did, of course I’m still learning but we all are.

thank you x

personally and its just my opinion i wouldn't give her the benefit of seeing my child because she didn't think of the baby when being mean to you and causing stress to you while you pregnant and also you said you have lost a baby because of stress previous time and that your mother could be of fault for that but its just from my point of view i could be wrong x

Hey, thank you,

It's so heart breaking because with the right help I'm sure she could change, I'm sure if I didn't get help and I chose to pickle myself I'd be the same bitter, twisted old woman.

I just wish I could show her how wonderful the world really, I wish I could give her head a wobble.

I don't want to be without her, she isn't always like this but as she is getting older it's becoming worse. I honestly wonder if she has some early onset which is making her this way. When she is kind she is so kind, but her warmth is cooling and I'm seeing a really nasty side to her.

I love this little soul I've been blessed with and I cannot wait to meet her.

Unfortunately I am genuinely stuck until my granddad passes, I need to be here geographically to care for him and once I can get out of here I will but until then it's boundary setting for sure.

Please know I have taken on your advice, I've just put it in a Tupperware for later.. 😉 xx

Hey, no you have a good point for sure. She was going to come to the hospital with me and my partner but she's lost that privilege now and we are going to go and come home on our own.

In fact I'll be getting the isofix and car seat ready in my car in the next few weeks. I never want to be in a car with her again!