My mum hates that I'm pregnant and is making my life hell

[beehivettcbaby1]

Hi all, I thought I'd start by giving some background. It's lengthy so please bear with me.

I'm 25, I'm a registered nurse and in a long term relationship (8 years). We recently moved to Cornwall to be close to my family, whilst here we fall pregnant after 6 years of infertility and 8 miscarriages. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with my miracle girl.

Anyway, me and my mum have always had a strange relationship, she was 33 when she had me, she never picked me up from school or took me to the park. I spent my childhood at childminders as she always prioritised her work over being a mother. My mum is also a functioning alcoholic and can be really nasty at times. I've had years of therapy for complex PTSD due to my childhood. I could go on for days if not weeks however it's not beneficial for me writing it or anyone reading through my years of trauma.

Anyway, when I first found out I was pregnant she was nothing short of disappointed in me, in fact her reaction still breaks my heart. You'd think I was 14 and had fallen pregnant by a stranger. She doesn't ask me how I am, how my pregnancy is. She hasn't bought anything for her granddaughter, she isn't remotely interested in speaking about the baby. (Unless she's on Facebook, in which she is the grandmother of the year). She is totally dismissive whenever I talk about my baby.

Today, after Xmas food shopping my midwife calls me and we decide on a date to do my birth plan, my mum asks what the call was about, I tell her it's to do a pre natal and post natal birth plan (little does she know the plan is with peri natal mental health due to the fact I still struggle). I say to my mum "my only real plan is to be at home with baby girl for 2/3 weeks in front of the fire). My gosh, you'd think I just said something awful. She absolutely flies off the handle, I sit back.. we are in a car, I'm around 40 minutes from home. I sit back and endure nothing short of vile abuse for around 35 minutes.

"It's not my fault I had to go back to work 3 weeks after you was born so you could have food on the table"
"It's not my fault I didn't bond with you"
"I don't even like you now as a person"
"I hope you don't do such a shit job like I did"
"You're lucky your grandfather is paying for your maternity you money grabbing (he's not, I've got SMP only and we've managed to save 4k by getting the majority of her belongings 2nd hand)

I could go on however my very clever brain has blocked the majority of it out.

Anyway we pull into a local shop that my mum insists she has to visit, despite me begging her to just drop me home. After enduring all this abuse of course my brain can't take it anymore and I have the mother of all panic attacks. I'm not sure if it's because my brain knew I was safe and I could then get out the car. Anyway, hyperventilating and my neck is now stuck to my shoulder due to the panic attacks. My mum totally overacts, grabbing at my neck screaming and shouting saying how she needs to call an ambulance.

She begs for me to go in the shop with her (probably to parade me round the shop in a state playing mother of the year). I convince her it's not a good idea and she finally gets off my case and goes into the shop.

I sit in the car, bang another panic attack. In fact I have 2 more. She comes back to the car.. does she stop the abuse? No, she carry's on. This time she needs to know how long I've been having panic attacks for. I physically cannot breathe, I beg her to just give me some time to get my breath back.

How does she respond? "Bit of a dramatic response to the truth though don't you think"

Let me just reiterate I'm 30 nearly 31 weeks pregnant, I've had fluctuating panic attacks now for around 25 minutes.

My baby girl starts kicking me, I put my hand out the window and manage to freeze my hand enough that my brain kicks back in.

I don't know how to navigate this, I don't want my baby around my mother. I don't want my mother around me. I live rurally and I don't have any friends locally due to moving recently. Luckily I've got good support via peri natal mental health and an amazing partner.

This isn't new, I fell pregnant back in February. My mum done similar to this (again it was to do with me taking my maternity leave) and I miscarried my baby a few days later. I firmly believe it was due to the stress she put me under.

Thank you for reading, please give me some advice xx

I agree and in an ideal world I would gut her out.. but she's my mum.. I'm still grieving her, it's like she shows me a little bit of kindness and soon snatches it away again. It's awful, but like you say I need to do it for my girl. And I will.

I went through therapy and felt like a new woman, I felt like I could then repair my mum and we could have a happy ever after. In fact my mum pitched it to me as "making up for lost time".. it was bullshit, and now I find myself doom scrolling on NarcMum.com at 11pm on Christmas Eve eve.. silly girl

I went through therapy and felt like a new woman, I felt like I could then repair my mum and we could have a happy ever after. In fact my mum pitched it to me as "making up for lost time".. it was bullshit, and now I find myself doom scrolling on NarcMum.com at 11pm on Christmas Eve eve.. silly girl

I hope you're feeling better now and I'm sorry you had to endure this.

You know she'll never be the mother you want her to be but you can be the mother you wished you'd had.

Just keep her away from you and the baby. Honestly, cut the contact.

Your not silly it's life you tried and seen for yourself its a lesson for yourself to know how it would be if you tried again
in fact i hope you have a healthy baby and happy life with your partner as you deserve it, and what ever you decided will be okay
go easy on your self x

I had to double check your original post to see if I'd made a mistake with your Mum's age. Is she really just 58? You speak about needing to help her with the Christmas shop and that she is old, but she is not. She is 4 years younger than our Prime Minister and some years off retirement age. Don't let her feign feebleness and play the old lady card to get you running around after her!

You need to let go of the mum you want. You do things for her out of fear and hope that it’ll finally be enough to make her be nice to you. It won’t ever be enough and she won’t change.
you’re putting yourself and your baby in an awful position. Someone else will just have to look after your grandfather, you need to look after you and your daughter.

I think the fact you’ve had 4 years of therapy, taken anti psychotics and have such severe panic attacks still because of this woman, to the point you think the stress caused a previous miscarriage…and yet you still opt to spend Christmas Day with her, planned to have her drive you home from hospital when you’re at your most vulnerable and still think you can change her, all shows your boundaries just arent right. I think you’re so abused by her you can’t even see most of it.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with her, and that she won’t be the mum you need or want, that is unfair and so difficult to deal with.

She's horrendous - please don't give her the opportunity to treat you like this ever again. Do not get in a car with her! And give her as wide a berth as you possibly can.

Do you have a dad in your life?

Someone else will have to look after your grandad. If you didn't exist, someone would do his care. I doubt he'd want you suffering this much because of him. You need to move asap - within a month I'd say. You need to never see this woman again. Don't spent Christmas Day with her. Act like she is dead. She is destructive. Stop allowing this. Move and don't speak to her ever again. Do it for you, do it for your baby. You deserve to be happy, and that isn't possible with this evil woman in your life.

I get you want a grandmother for your daughter but that is a 'nice to have' and she isn't a good person, so not even a 'good to have'. My mum was lovely, but died before I had kids. They're absolutely fine without a grandmother.

Do not continue to let this woman attempt to destroy you and your miracle.

There are so many upsetting examples of abuse posted on Mumsnet, but this is one of the worst I’ve read, perhaps because you’re still in it.
It’s so sad to read so many stories of people being treated horribly. Not knowing they deserve better. Exposing, however inadvertently, their children to the same. And so it goes, on and on.

The moment your mum threatens violence to you or anyone else, or threatens self-harm, you call the police.

You might need to get adult social services in to help with G’dad. I think you need to get yourself out of your mum’s way before baby is born. Pls understand that alcoholics tend to develop brain damage as they age and their self control, ability to filter behaviour and words and their empathy decreases. She can’t be trusted.

I feel for you.

I think once you have your child you’ll realise the truth. You’ll never let your child go through what she did to you.

just go low contact until you move away.

Who’s going to care for your grandpa when your having the baby or close to doing so?

move back now and be with your partner. Stop this charade with your nasty mum,

So you are able to raise your child independently away from her?

If so i don't see why you need to put up with this, yes i am wondering the back story to all this

Agree with this. OP, my mum is very similar (even the same age as yours) and my heart goes out to you, this is horrendous behaviour on her part.

Did she call you silly/silly girl in your childhood? Your language about yourself is quite striking. It’s not silly to have thought on some level that your mum might have changed - we’re programmed to want to be close to our caregivers and biologically wired to seek our mums, even if they treat us awfully.

It’s why children of parents like that (like us) end up with conditions like C-PTSD, because as children we rely on them to keep us safe, but they are the very ones doing us harm through emotional instability and abusive behaviour.

Give yourself grace, I know how hard it is to pull away even from a mum like yours.

It's so hard when you have a mother like this. Mums are supposed to be unconditional love, I knew a few kids with absent fathers but none with an abusive or absent mother. Can you at least manage not to get stuck in a car with her alone? Like meet at the shops in seperate cars? I'd stop discussing the baby with her, I know it hurts not being able to share that, but when you're with her I'd focus on things that she feels neutral or happy about. Whether that's the news, the weather, talking all about herself and her work, talk about what keeps things neutral and lite.

I understand very much wanting an actual mother who cares about you but the only thing you're going to get is more hurt. She is who she is and that's not going to change. If she can't be happy for you finally having a pregnancy that didn't end in miscarriage then she is incapable of being happy for you, at least outside some narrow constraints, maybe she'd be happy if you put baby in full time nursery at 3 weeks to go back to work. You can still be around her and keep things lower contact, keep your conversation light, no depth, no personal information, no expectations of anything back. For your own sake you need to stop trying to engage with her as if she was a loving mother. People don't change unless they want to and even then and even with help it's really hard. The only thing you can control and count on in this relationship is your own behaviour. Do what you can to step away. You can't save her, you need to save yourself from more damage, your baby needs that. If it helps if this was how your baby was being treated would you want them to put up with it and keep trying or would you want them to walk away? You are just as deserving of loving healthy relationships as your baby, just as deserving of not having this ongoing harm in your life. You deserve better, but you will never get that from her.

Hi, yes for sure I feel better. The kind and harsh words from strangers is what I needed.

I honestly think it's jealousy that I'm happy, my mum hates anyone that's happy.

Hey, maybe my wording was incorrect as it wasn't to help her physically with the food shop but the idea was to spend some time together and help her as we all know it's a stressful time of year and I wanted to help her with it. I also knew that if I didn't id only get a mouthful of abuse for not helping her with the shopping.

Oh bless you, you're doing it now my lovely.

She doesn't need help (physical or otherwise). She is a capable adult with 31 years more experience than you. It's part of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Sorry to belabour the point, but when you grew up without normal it's hard to spot the madness!

Hey, thanks for taking your time to reply. Yes, I totally agree with you and I really regret moving here straight back into her palms.

Funnily enough I don't need her in any shape or form but she isn't like this all the time. She can be really lovely, caring and attentive. She then switches so severely it's like she is possessed.

To be honest I don't give her enough credit for the damage she has done, because we grew up in a nice house and had nice things I was always made to believe by my mum that this isn't abuse or wrong because there is food in the fridge.

My mum had a real good attempt at fucking up my life. Luckily me and my brother both have done incredibly well (I think because we had each other, he looked after me when I was young and I looked after him when I was old enough to)

I turned to binge eating and my brother became Muslim, both a vice for us.

You know I look for a mother everywhere. I was in the queue for Costa yesterday. My mum was busy trying to find the sausage meat that I told her there was none of in Tesco, it gave me a welcomed breather from her. A lovely woman a similar age to my mum commented on my bump and how lovely I looked, how I was glowing and how I must be so excited. She also said "next year you'll be Santa for the first time, how exciting". I literally thought to myself I wish you was my mum, I wish my mum said those lovely words to me.

The world is cruel, I'm not sure how to be a mum but I know very well how not to do it. I love this little girl with all my heart and I'm going to do a bloody good job at loving her for her whole life.

@mainecooncatonahottinroof

lesson learnt for sure, I don’t need to share a car with her. She was in a foul mood and looking back it was all orchestrated so it happened so she had her chance to abuse me basically.

Dad is great but distant, my mum left him when I was 18 months old for the man she is still married to. He was pushed out massively at my young age and no doubt struggled to bond which is probably still affecting us now.

Anyway, he’s a wonderful human but far away geographically but always at the end of the phone. Unfortunately I normally only get “well I did tell you not to move closer to her”. Valid but unhelpful

The book Toxic Parents might be helpful for you if you haven't read it already.

Hello, thanks for taking your time to respond. My grandfather I don’t believe is long for this world and I want to wait it out for him, we’ve also just moved to a beautiful house on a farm and my 2 sphynx cats are the happiest I have ever seen them.

Me and my partner are both so happy too, we love it and I don’t want her to destroy our happiness.

Basically I need to avoid her which is easily done not that she makes the effort to come round anyway. When we moved she kept saying “I’m so jealous of your house” she then kept referring to my house as “the tiny house.. “do you like your tiny house?”. Yes mother I love my 9ft by 10ft lounge. She’s told all her friends and the landlady in the local pub we’ve bought it (we haven’t, we are renting)

it would make sense the new house in the country, the new baby and the happy relationship is eating at her hence the abuse has escalated.

thank you kind stranger for the enlightening moment!

Congratulations, by the way 💐 Your daughter is very lucky to have you.
Sending my best wishes 🙏