My mum hates that I'm pregnant and is making my life hell

[beehivettcbaby1]

Hi all, I thought I'd start by giving some background. It's lengthy so please bear with me.

I'm 25, I'm a registered nurse and in a long term relationship (8 years). We recently moved to Cornwall to be close to my family, whilst here we fall pregnant after 6 years of infertility and 8 miscarriages. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with my miracle girl.

Anyway, me and my mum have always had a strange relationship, she was 33 when she had me, she never picked me up from school or took me to the park. I spent my childhood at childminders as she always prioritised her work over being a mother. My mum is also a functioning alcoholic and can be really nasty at times. I've had years of therapy for complex PTSD due to my childhood. I could go on for days if not weeks however it's not beneficial for me writing it or anyone reading through my years of trauma.

Anyway, when I first found out I was pregnant she was nothing short of disappointed in me, in fact her reaction still breaks my heart. You'd think I was 14 and had fallen pregnant by a stranger. She doesn't ask me how I am, how my pregnancy is. She hasn't bought anything for her granddaughter, she isn't remotely interested in speaking about the baby. (Unless she's on Facebook, in which she is the grandmother of the year). She is totally dismissive whenever I talk about my baby.

Today, after Xmas food shopping my midwife calls me and we decide on a date to do my birth plan, my mum asks what the call was about, I tell her it's to do a pre natal and post natal birth plan (little does she know the plan is with peri natal mental health due to the fact I still struggle). I say to my mum "my only real plan is to be at home with baby girl for 2/3 weeks in front of the fire). My gosh, you'd think I just said something awful. She absolutely flies off the handle, I sit back.. we are in a car, I'm around 40 minutes from home. I sit back and endure nothing short of vile abuse for around 35 minutes.

"It's not my fault I had to go back to work 3 weeks after you was born so you could have food on the table"
"It's not my fault I didn't bond with you"
"I don't even like you now as a person"
"I hope you don't do such a shit job like I did"
"You're lucky your grandfather is paying for your maternity you money grabbing (he's not, I've got SMP only and we've managed to save 4k by getting the majority of her belongings 2nd hand)

I could go on however my very clever brain has blocked the majority of it out.

Anyway we pull into a local shop that my mum insists she has to visit, despite me begging her to just drop me home. After enduring all this abuse of course my brain can't take it anymore and I have the mother of all panic attacks. I'm not sure if it's because my brain knew I was safe and I could then get out the car. Anyway, hyperventilating and my neck is now stuck to my shoulder due to the panic attacks. My mum totally overacts, grabbing at my neck screaming and shouting saying how she needs to call an ambulance.

She begs for me to go in the shop with her (probably to parade me round the shop in a state playing mother of the year). I convince her it's not a good idea and she finally gets off my case and goes into the shop.

I sit in the car, bang another panic attack. In fact I have 2 more. She comes back to the car.. does she stop the abuse? No, she carry's on. This time she needs to know how long I've been having panic attacks for. I physically cannot breathe, I beg her to just give me some time to get my breath back.

How does she respond? "Bit of a dramatic response to the truth though don't you think"

Let me just reiterate I'm 30 nearly 31 weeks pregnant, I've had fluctuating panic attacks now for around 25 minutes.

My baby girl starts kicking me, I put my hand out the window and manage to freeze my hand enough that my brain kicks back in.

I don't know how to navigate this, I don't want my baby around my mother. I don't want my mother around me. I live rurally and I don't have any friends locally due to moving recently. Luckily I've got good support via peri natal mental health and an amazing partner.

This isn't new, I fell pregnant back in February. My mum done similar to this (again it was to do with me taking my maternity leave) and I miscarried my baby a few days later. I firmly believe it was due to the stress she put me under.

Thank you for reading, please give me some advice xx

You’ll love this, I don’t need her in anyway actually other than just to be my mum..

all I’ve ever needed was a mum.

That's horrific op. You need to go NC with her before she does more damage to you and your baby 🫂

Just thought it is worth pointing out that you don’t have to wait until you can move away to go NC or LC it’s about a frame of more than physical distance. Yes it would be easier if there was a distance there but please consider it whilst you’re still living just 4 miles away

Hello, please know I have taken years to heal and I am in a fantastic position mentally to ensure my children never ever go through this again. I have spent years reading, educating myself and trying to understand the psychology of my mother to ensure it never passes onto my children.

if I was living with my mother I’d totally understand but I don’t, I don’t rely on her in any way. Just stupidly I got in the car with her today which exposed me to this awful event. Looking back it was stupid but lesson has been learnt. She won’t be taking me to the hospital to have my baby or will she pick us up.

I’m upset from what happened but I’m glad for the refresher on my mother, I’m just sad my little girl had to feel those big feelings I was feeling.

Hi OP, I had a mum like yours. I was sad that I never had any maternal love but I realised that it wasn't my fault and nothing I could do would change anything.
It's tough though but it will get easier if you go non contact. One things for sure no matter what she says she won't change who she seems to be is actually who she is. If you spend time with her or communicate with her she will hurt you. Also you are not and never have been responsible for her happiness that's her business.
Live your life and practise not thinking about her, that's what I did anyway.

Hey. Yes thank you, you are right for sure. To be honest, I want her to see me doing a fantastic job, I want it to eat her up inside. I want her to see me and my baby girl playing and I want it to make her gut churn.

I dont mean I want to use my baby as revenge but I want her to know that I have broken this generational curse and from me onwards there is nothing but positivity and kindness. Tender loving care and mothers that thrive because of their children.

So all visits are on my terms and she doesn’t have a key to my house, I keep contact for maybe fortnightly and I keep it to a phone call. I’ve done low contact before I was thriving.

I am so glad this has happened now and not post natal when I could be struggling.

Hey thank you for taking your time to reply. She won’t get a chance to get near to harm by baby in anyway. Never ever will she be alone with her and the minute I sense the mood change I’ll be making an excuse to get out of there.

my baby is safe with me and my baby will never ever know the pain I have felt.

I’m going to have to arrange some private care for him, really my mother should be stepping up but she doesn’t do anything without a clause. We are so happy in our little farm house, we both have good jobs and we are in a happy bubble. My mum just got her chance to spit venom at me in close range yesterday. It won’t happen again. I needed to rant and I needed these strong words from strangers.

Hi Op,

Your posts made me really sad. She sounds like an awful human being and she didn't deserve to have children.

It sounds like she has so much control over you though and even though you realize she has abused you and caused you so much pain, you are still allowing her to be in your life and even worse, in your baby's life.

She wasn't a good mum, she was abusive. She isn't a good mum and she is still abusive. She won't be a good grandmother and I wouldn't just wait for her to show coldness to your child. You need to actively protect your baby from her and not allow any contact between them. Otherwise the circle of abuse will just continue.

Are you still in therapy? It sounds to me like you are still hoping you can change her and she can be a good grandmother to your baby.

As harsh as it sounds, if she treated you like this while you are pregnant, why would you think she will be a positive influence in your child's life?

I think you need to reframe your thinking a little bit from: "I am still a little girl inside who needs her mum and wants to be loved" to "I am a strong loving person deserving of love and affection. I won't allow others to treat me or my child in abusive way".

I understand how hard it is to let go of someone who is meant to love and protect you, but you need to do that for your child. Do not let your child be around her.

I am sorry if I am coming across as harsh, but it's hard to read how far you've come and yet she is still trying to drag you down.

You are strong and you deserve better. You can cut her off and live your life surrounded by those who love you and you can make sure that's all your little one knows.

I wish you all the best

For your own sanity and the wellbeing of your unborn baby, you need to go low or no contact with your Mum. She sounds bitter, resentful and is taking those emotions out on you. Unfortunately, your Mum is never going to be the type of parent you want. She's not changed yet, and isn't ever likely too either. Your Mum was never there, whilst you were growing up, and showed little interest in you. Now you're an adult, there's probably a marginal more interest, simply because she no longer feels any responsibility towards you. In my opinion, she's not maternal. She went through the motions with you, because she had little choice. A person like this, is never going to be interested in grandchildren. You need to step back and accept that your Mum is never going to be a doting grandmother. In fact you should keep your baby well away from her dreadful toxic behaviour. You need to protect yourself going forwards, in any way you can.

@Flustration
how ironic is this, I wanted to be there to help and support her. Xmas food shop is so stressful and I’ve done the last 4 on my own and I know it’s hard.

I also probably stupidly wanted to spend time with her.. forever the optimist.

she is never going to change and I need to remember that, I am so much happier when I am nowhere near her and I need to remember that.

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you have been through this. You mum sounds similar to mine - bitter, jealous, feels guilty how she behaved as a mum but will never admit it so gets angry and blames everyone else instead.

You have already given her a second chance and she has repaid you with her awful behaviour.

I am begging you to go no contact - when you've had your baby you will be in a lovely baby bubble but you are also very vulnerable for a while. And she will know this.

If you go no contact and put VERY clear boundaries in place then the ball is in her court if she wants to change or not, I imagine if she hasn't changed by now then she can't.

I know how this feels, I have been through the same with my mum and my dad. After years I eventually realised they caused more pain being in my life than not at all, so contact was cut. I still grieve them now but I hate to think what toxic traits they would have spread with me and my children.

I wish you all the best OP, please lean on the family that genuinely love and care about you, and not her just because she is your biological mother.

Sending a big hug to you and bump xx

Stop spending time with your mum. She is detrimental to your well being. She adds nothing. You owe her nothing. At this point you need to put you and baby first.

Go LC. Do not tell her your birth plans or it will be all about her. Stop telling her anything other than a non-committal 'I'm fine'.

If she asks just say you are very tired and snoozing a lot. Don't answer your door to her. Be asleep.

I'm so sorry you (and all the other lovely people on this thread) didn't get the mothers you deserved.

Gosh op, the more you write the more it's clear you do not have good boundaries with her.

The fact you thought after having years of therapy that you could have a relationship with her shows that you need much much more therapy than you did. It should have equipped you to know you wouldn't ever be able to change her. Instead you ran right back to her.

You still talk about your child having a relationship based on your friends experience and a hope that it's different between grandparents and grandchildren. Can you not see how messed up this is?

You then say about moving back away but still seeing her. Christmas. Shopping. Etc etc.

I want to hug you but also tell you to wake up and see this for what it is. It's almost like you know all the theory, and you say that you know what to do, but you can't put it into practice and you are in huge denial about it all still deep down.

I think caring for your granddad needs to stop, it needs to anyway while you are focussing on being a new mum. You can't possibly do both well. No one could. Put private carers into place for the long term. I'm sure he would not want you to sacrifice your whole self in this way for him.

Sending strength op.

Hello, please know I have taken years to heal and I am in a fantastic position mentally to ensure my children never ever go through this again

You just had repeated panic attacks and couldn't get yourself out of the situation, via taxi or whatever it took. Your daughter already had to go through that with you.

I'm not saying that to stick the boot in. I think proximity to your dm is undoing any work you've put in towards improving your mental health op.

I think it comes across from your posts that deep down you still think that this can be reversed, that your mum can be the mum you would like her to be, and you are trying to find some way to making this happen. I think you need to go back and get a lot more therapy to help you accept the reality of your relationship with her and that this is all there is, and should be a top priority for you so that you don't bring your child into this disfunctional situation.

You need to put yourself and your baby girl first.

Your alcoholic mother is trying to destroy you, she cares about no one but herself and you have a baby on the way so your priorities need to be you and your baby girl must come first.

You said in your post that you do not want your mother to have contact with your baby and I can tell you your instincts are absalutely spot on, so listen to them and take action. I know it is xmas eve but this arrogant woman is causing you and your baby harm so inform her in writing you are ceasing contact then block her, she is an absolute disgrace.

Get space from her and your mind will become clearer in time.

Think like a survivor because you are a survivor and remember that.

Yout baby is feeling the stress from the adrenaline you were producing durig the panic attacks which was why she started kicking, this is another reason you need to stay away from your mother because she's causing it.

Keep your doors locked so she can't just barge into your home and keep her out of you space as She is an absolute mess, she's a mean and selfish person who should have been supportive to you and excited for the birth of your new baby girl who aslo deserves better.

Stay strong, you got this.

Bluntly, OP, you’re doing this to yourself by opting to be around her. You don’t ’have’ to help her Christmas shopping ‘because it’s stressful’. Doing it caused you so much stress you had a string of panic attacks. Whose stress is more important? You’re about to have a baby. Do you really want to model ‘My needs are less important than anyone else’s’ for that baby?

My mother ruined large stretches of our childhood by having our dreadful, vicious grandmother, her mother, living with us. Be a grown up. Keep doing therapy. Don’t pass on this type of behaviour. If you can’t or won’t act for yourself, act for your child.

@beehivettcbaby1

First off huge hugs. Congratulations on your miracle baby

Second you are not alone on this. My mother did exactly the same. It was the thing that eventually shoved me into a no contact / very low contact relationship with her.

It had been brewing for years (as it sounds like yours has) and although it was tough, I had a very supportive DH and set of friends around me - who to this day carry me through any flying monkeys that come my way.

My only advice is to steer well clear up until and after the birth. Over the next 6 to 9 months you will be juggling a huge amount of new stuff, hormone changes and exhaustion. Do not engage with your Mother until you feel ready. The nesting / protective instinct in this situation is incredibly real and incredibly powerful. Trust it right now and put some time and distance between you, and then suss out your feelings towards your mother afterwards. I did counselling, about 10 months after my first born. I hated feeling so angry and distressed. But it made me realise I couldn't have a normal relationship with my Mum and it had to be on my terms or not at all. When you have a new family to nurture they have to be your priority.

All the very best for the next period of time. And come back on here if you need more support. MN has been brilliant for me.

To be honest, I'm quite concerned that you got in a car driven by a functioning alcoholic. How is she still driving? Hasn't the family tried to stop her?