Someone I went to school with has put her teenage diaries online

[Freshpanic]

I was quite unhappy at school. I struggled with friendships and didn't always behave in very positive ways - I'm sure lots of people who knew me then don't remember me particularly fondly. I'm in my late 40s now and I'm much more sorted and have a pretty nice life.

I am still in IRL contact with one person from my schooldays, and there are maybe three people on my social media from back then (probably added on there about twenty years ago and we don't interact). One of these three people has a lifestyle type website with articles and a blog etc.

I was looking just now at the website and I see that about three years ago she started publishing instalments from her recently unearthed teenage diaries. She has changed names, but if you were there at the time then these are all easily decoded (the initial letters remain the same, have the same syllables etc.). I read them and quickly recognised myself. I don't feature a lot (we didn't really have a lot to do with one another) but needless to say, the twenty or so mentions of me are not flattering.

I know she can do whatever she likes with her diaries - she's changed names and it's her story to tell (and I'm the most minor of minor characters). But... I'm just so upset reading this. I don't like remembering how I was back then and try to avoid it. But I'm just horrified at the thought that if I am reading it, then lots of people I went to school with will similarly have read it and be remembering events and remembering me and how I behaved, rather than it staying in the past.

I just don't know what to do with how this is making me feel. Lots of self-loathing and shame and anxiety that I thought I'd left behind me.

Not even sure why I'm writing this, really. Just needed to tell someone about it, maybe?

If you are recognisable to others then she might have a problem.

Is what she wrote true?

Well everyone is recognisable. She's published them verbatim - she's being affectionately mocking of her teenage self and all her teen shenanigans, I don't think she's trying to settle scores or set people up. I'm such a bit part that I don't think it would have occurred to her that I might not like it. I've not seen her for over twenty years after all.

Yes. Or at least, that's her viewpoint on events/me.

Anyone can tell their perspective of true events online using real names. She’s tried to hide identities so it’s only recognisable to people who were there and already know what she’s saying. I’m not sure what problem she would have.

Fight fire with fire.

You know what OP, everyone has chapters in life that they don't want to reread.

Cut yourself some slack - when you were young and foolish, you were young and foolish.

Also other classmates may have a different view of what happened.

I don't know what you mean?

I'm not denying that I did/said the things she's talking about. I don't have bad things to say about her and wouldn't want to if I did.

Thank you. This is kind and good advice. It's just very confronting and I feel very 'back' somewhere I thought I'd said goodbye to.

Is what she's saying bad? Is it that you were violent/abusive, or is she writing the daft things did as a teen ie sex/drugs/rock and roll?

I wasn't violent or abusive.

I was attention-seeking, made up lies, caused trouble in others' relationships and friendships. Just wasn't really very nice.

I agree that you should cut yourself some slack. I’m guessing you didn’t have a happy, supportive home life if you behaved like that.

I’d love to hear what you consider abusive.

Draw a line under it and move on, you can’t change the past. If she was on the receiving end of your behaviour, it might have had a fairly significant effect. It’s not just your story. That’s consequences unfortunately.

I doubt anyone outside of her immediate circle will know/care.

There were definitely some things about my childhood that I think contribute to why I was like that. But plenty of people had it lots lots lots worse. And I also knew that how I was behaving was wrong at the time.

Well it’s embarrassingly that it’s public & nobody would feel comfortable but what can you do.

Oh for goodness sake - she was a teen.

OP honestly you've moved on from this.

Oh for goodness sake - she was a teen.

we all have been teenagers but lots don’t behave like the OP did.

Just because other people may have had it worse, that doesn’t diminish your experiences. You were a child coping the best that you could with the difficulties in your life. Try to go easy on yourself and don’t let it impact your happy life now.

She and I didn't really interact much. Any mentions of me were more reporting stuff that happened elsewhere.

I do understand that this a consequence of my behaviours. I know that she can say whatever she likes about her own experiences (it's a very lighthearted "aren't teens daft" type of post btw).

I know that very few people will care. It's more about how it's making me feel right now that I'm trying to work through.

You have said goodbye to that, and just because this person has unearthed their diaries and decided to put stuff online does not mean you need to engage with it.
People learn, people grow, I very much doubt any of us are the same person we were when we were teenagers. There is a reason why school-aged teenagers are not treated as adults.

If you are recognisable, it will be to a very small group of people, who mostly you don’t interact with these days. As you say you are more sorted now with a different life. So maybe take it as an opportunity to reflect on how much you have grown, otherwise just ignore. But mostly, be kind to yourself. It is a long time ago and you were very young.

It’s natural to not want to be reminded of that part of your past but you have recognised you weren’t the best & have now changed so you don’t need to beat yourself up.

This post nails it.
I feel for you OP- I was similar as a teen, like you have made a nice life but still feel really guilty and embarrassed about the ways I behaved when I was younger, so this situation is my nightmare. I would contact her and ask her to edit out your bits. If she's a nice person (sounds like she is) she'll consider it.

Your feelings now show you've moved on though and matured. The fact you know that your behaviour was wrong and this publication of it embarrasses you is a sign you have changed?

Well bless your cotton socks! I didn't either but teens aren't known for sensible behaviour.

OP ignore the pile on.